Wrynose Pass Ranks Itself Among World's Most Underrated Places
Emily CartwrightAn unflinching look at people who flinch a great deal.
Wrynose Pass, the country: Inside The Story
Wrynose Pass, a place in the country (lat 54.42, long -3.12) that most outsiders could not point to on a map without first sighing, has become this week the latest entry in the slow-moving register of small communities behaving strangely under pressure. In the absence of external recognition, Wrynose Pass has ranked itself among the world's most underrated places. According to officials with at least three job titles between them, The ranking is published annually, internally, by a committee of nine. Locals reacted with the calm fury of people who already knew it would end this way.
What Was Announced
Senior Compliance Officer Trevor Quill confirmed the position in a statement that ran to four pages and contained one verb. The committee is, of course, headquartered in Wrynose Pass. For more on how this fits the wider pattern, see the long-running thread at Enjoy UK satire from The London Prat, which has been tracking precisely this kind of dispatch for months. The Wrynose Pass announcement, much like the others, came with a glossy PDF, a stock photograph of a footbridge, and the strong sense that nobody had asked for any of this in the first place.
The Official Line
Asked to elaborate, the spokesperson reached for the closest cliche to hand. "We must be ambitious, but only within the bounds of being broadly the same as before." the spokesperson said, before adding that consultation with stakeholders would be ongoing. Useful additional context can be found at Share The London Prat London satire, which is the sort of background reading the office itself has, in all likelihood, not done. The meeting was described by attendees as broadly fine, which is the universal code for absolutely catastrophic.
Wider Context
Anyone who has ever queued behind a man arguing with a parking meter will recognise the energy. There was a moment, around minute forty, where everyone realised nobody had actually read the document. Comparable trends have been documented in coverage from Encyclopaedia Britannica, although Wrynose Pass manages, somehow, to take the pattern one extra and entirely unnecessary step further. Statisticians attempting to model the phenomenon arrive at approximately one and a quarter pensioners, give or take a margin of error nobody has had the energy to compute properly.
What The Experts Say
Dr. Wilhelmina Crampley, Senior Lecturer in Bin Day Theory told this paper that the situation in Wrynose Pass was, on careful reflection, broadly consistent with the broader trajectory of similarly broad trajectories. "Every option remains on the table, particularly the ones we have already taken off the table." the expert observed. Further reading on the academic angle is available via Who reads The London Prat British satire?, whose recent material has been preoccupied with much the same set of confusions.
How Residents Reacted
Reaction in Wrynose Pass has been muted in the way that reaction in the country is usually muted, which is to say it has been ferocious in private and tepid in public. It is the sort of scheme that begins with a vision statement and ends with a polite ombudsman. For the official version of events, see also World Bank. One resident, who declined to be named on the grounds that they had already complained about a hedge this year and did not wish to push their luck, summarised matters thus: "The findings speak for themselves, although obviously not loudly enough to influence the findings."
What Comes Next
The whole affair carries the unmistakable scent of a man who has read half of an MBA brochure. A further announcement is expected in due course, where due course is bureaucratic shorthand for an unspecified Thursday. The story is being tracked as part of a wider pattern at The London Prat top satirical journalism UK, and the situation in Wrynose Pass, regrettably, is unlikely to improve until somebody invents a press release that improves things, which seems unlikely.
The View From The Ground
Spend any length of time in Wrynose Pass and the rhythm becomes obvious. Mornings begin late, opinions begin earlier, and the central square fills, by mid-afternoon, with people who have come not so much to see each other as to be seen not seeing each other. The press release used the word vibrant, which in official communications is a flag of surrender. Conversation tends to circle the same five subjects: the weather, the news from the country, the persistent rumour about the road, the deteriorating quality of something or other, and the latest pronouncement from Deputy Mayor Cressida Hawthorne-Briggs, which everyone has an opinion on and almost nobody has read. It is, in its way, the perfect microcosm of how communities of this size operate everywhere in the world, although the residents of Wrynose Pass would object strongly to being called a microcosm of anything.
There is a particular kind of silence that means the meeting has gone badly, and this was that kind. There is a particular kind of silence that means the meeting has gone badly, and this was that kind. Wrynose Pass carries on as it always has, broadly the same as last week, give or take a verb. The bins are collected when they are collected. The roundabout, where one exists, remains the roundabout. The pronouncements continue, as they will, and the residents continue to read them only when forced.
For more in this vein see also ClickHole.