Worst Deepthroat

Worst Deepthroat
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Putting a penis in one's mouth is not as simple an endeavor as one might assume it is. Learning how to give a blowjob is a complicated process that can be a source of anxiety, fear, and unexpectedly deep soul searching. While the person being fellated might not be aware, the person on the other end is being bombarded with a lot of blowjob-related mind garbage. But no one ever talks about these little nagging things that have to do with giving head. It's difficult enough to bring up blowjobs around the water cooler or at a dinner party, so getting into the dirty little details can be tough. Obviously, not so for me, since I'm broaching them right now.
Generally, conversations about blowjobs center around who can deep throat, how easy/difficult it is to get a penis in your mouth hole, and whether or not you should kiss after completion. But there are far more mundane factors at play, and all of them far more important than these racier questions. I don't know why we don't talk more about the minutiae of giving head. What I do know is that there are certain things I can guarantee most women are thinking when we go down on someone. Such universal thoughts deserve to be shared and commiserated over. Here are six things about blowjobs that no one ever talks about, but which I'm forcing you to listen to me talk about right now:
Blowjobs are scary - not because of what happens to you when you're giving them, but what you might inadvertently do to the person you're giving them to. For instance: suddenly, reflexively biting down for some reason. There are a lot of things I'd like to go through life never having experienced. Orally castrating someone is certainly one of them.
I envy anyone who can give a blowjob and retain sexy thoughts in their brain. For most of us, we're just trying not to choke on the chunk of our own hair that keeps slipping into our mouths. We're also thinking about the sweat smell of balls, making eye contact, the giant drip of our own spit smeared across our face, not biting down, etc.
Again, I have much envy for the sucker who has no gag reflex. Because for everyone else, when a penis hits the back of your throat, its all we can do to stop from vomiting. Add "vomiting on someone's penis" to the list of things I would like to go through life without ever doing. It doesn't exactly scream "sexy" - unless you're one of those fetishists I once saw on Jerry Springer (I'm aware that a Jerry Springer reference reveals my age, and I don't even care).
Look, I don't want to brag but, like, I work out. Even still, there's no workout quite like kneeling with no hands for support (one's on the shaft, the other's on the balls) while angling your face downward and bobbing your head up and down. There's no amount of yoga that will prepare your core for the exercise of giving head. It's a full-body experience that requires poise, concentration, balance, and abs and thighs of steel.
No matter how many blowjobs you've given, nothing can prepare you for giving your first one to a new person. Every penis is unique, and no two blowjobs are the same. The same can be said for all sex acts, but there's something particularly intimate about having someone's penis in your mouth. The whole experience can be quite discombobulating, what with all the balls you have to juggle (pun intended) with a new person.
It doesn't matter whether you're an established spitter or swallower, or how many times you've had a man cum in your mouth. There's always an intense anxiety when you feel him come close to orgasm. What is going to happen? Even though you know, you're still scared. For instance, every time it comes to that point, I start worrying that so much semen is going to squirt out so hard and fast that I will choke on it. This has literally never happened to me. But as soon as a guy starts clenching, I fill with fear. Even the most seasoned fellator has anxiety when it comes to finishing the job. Snap decisions have to be made, fast and in the heat of the moment, which can lead to embarrassing situations, like naked runs to the bathroom to spit up.
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1. “It’s actually not a big deal. It depends on the woman’s gag reflex, but for the most part, it’s relatively tame. The only thing that can be a drag is if a guy takes forever to finish.” — Liz, 25
2. “I like it, but I can’t stand swallowing. If it’s someone I really trust and love, I’ll do it. I’m not a fan though. The actual act of the blow job is fine, enjoyable even, but I always dread the ending. And when guys don’t even warn you? The WORST.” — Tina, 26
3. “I’ve always been into them. They don’t require a ton of work. There are certain things you can do to up your BJ game, but for the most part, it’s the same thing. I really get off on how vulnerable men are during them. You have the most tender part of their body IN YOUR MOUTH. You’re 100% in control. I love that.” — Kelly, 23
4. “Being down there you really get a sense of your dude’s hygiene level. It’s funny how many jokes exist about the way vaginas smell. You ever been nose level with balls? It’s not always fantastic.” — Jennifer, 25
5. “It’s a thing you do because you know they like it. But that’s about it.” — Keisha, 22
6. “So, I’m actually waiting until marriage for the full V-card action. Yeah, I know some people consider oral sex cheating but whatever, you’re not my God. Because of this, I find blow jobs to be pretty erotic. Knowing you’re making someone you care about feel THAT good with your mouth/tongue? That’s a turn on.” — Alicia, 23
7. “It’s okay. Not great. Not terrible. Very average.” — Emily, 22
8. “I’m only down if he’s reciprocating. Men seem to think blow jobs are a given, but eating a girl out is optional. Nope. Not if you want something, man.” — Billie, 28
9. “Entirely disgusting. I hate every moment. I only perform them for people I’m really serious about, or special occasions. I’d rather just have sex.” — Sissy, 20
10. “It doesn’t do much for me, but if my boyfriend gets pleasure from it, I’m willing. It only becomes terrible if you’re with someone who hasn’t showered in a bit. Sweaty dick/testicles smell like an old shoe locker. It’s terrible.” — Barb, 24
11. “Tedious. I’ve got TMJ and I STILL do it. Men wouldn’t last one day in our shoes, I swear.” — Viv, 27
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