Women Who Cant Orgasm

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Women Who Cant Orgasm
Have trouble orgasming? The best fix is in your hands.

Amy* enjoys being intimate with her husband, but she finds it difficult to have an orgasm when they're having sex.


She tends to get in her head a lot, which makes it hard for her to focus on the sensations she's feeling. When this happens, she gets fixated on having an orgasm and starts worrying about how long it may take, why she isn't climaxing sooner or that she won't have an orgasm at all.


"The more I think, the less I can relax," Amy said.


Sometimes, using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation can help Amy have an orgasm, but it's far from a guarantee, and Amy's challenges around orgasming weigh on her sexual self-esteem.


"When I don't orgasm, I feel like I am letting my husband down or making him feel like he's not doing enough to satisfy me," Amy said. "My partner orgasms nearly every time we have sex and he wants me to experience that pleasure, too. But it often just doesn't happen for me."


Amy is hardly alone. Research indicates that, for women, orgasms can be elusive; this is especially true for women in heterosexual relationships.

"Lesbian women experience orgasms about 75% of the time with their partner; bisexual woman experience orgasms about 58% of the time, and heterosexual women experience orgasms about 62% of the time," said Dr. Emily Jamea , a sex therapist.
There's no concrete answer as to why lesbians most consistently experience orgasms with one another, but Jamea reasons that it could be because women understand women's bodies better, and that there is perhaps less pressure to orgasm during intercourse.
"Most orgasms happen through clitoral stimulation," Jamea said. "And most women just get that."
This brings us to a key question: How many types of female orgasms are there?
Traditionally, female orgasms have been defined as vaginal and clitoral.
"As to the difference between those two, the jury is still out," Jamea said. "Some research suggests that there are different sets of nerve endings in the clitoris versus the vagina, but we also have to remember that the clitoral body goes deep inside — and is usually about 3 inches long, with two wing structures. So arguably, all orgasms could be clitoral."
Things get even murkier when considering that there are so many individual differences. Some women swear that there is an area of their vagina that has more sensation than the rest of the vaginal canal, constituting the storied "G-spot," while other women say they feel no difference.
What's more, there's growing research that there are more ways to orgasm than just through clitoral or vaginal stimulation.
"Some women may experience orgasm during nipple stimulation and anal play," Jamea said. "Some women have nocturnal orgasms after a sexy dream, and others can even think themselves into an orgasm."
But there are some women who have never had an orgasm of any variety.
"One consistent finding is that about 10% of women report never orgasming in their lifetime," said Dr. Laurie Mintz , a sex therapist.
Why do the vast majority of women orgasm but some don't?
Barring medical conditions such as chronic pain disorders or the usage of SSRIs (both of which can inhibit a woman's ability to orgasm), lack of orgasm can come down to a number of factors, including culture and the distorted value we place on intercourse between a man and a woman.
"Culture is a huge reason behind why women may not orgasm," said Mintz. "We know that there is a massive orgasm gap between men and women and that women are having fewer orgasms than men in all types of contexts. A lot of that is due to the way we talk about heterosexual sex and how societally we paint a picture that intercourse is the most important thing."
In fact, as Jamea notes, only 21% to 30% of women orgasm through intercourse without simultaneous clitoral stimulation.
Another major reason women may never orgasm may come down to psychological stressors and even environmental factors.
"You aren't going to be able to run as fast on a hot day as you can on a cool, clear day," Jamea said. "It's the same with orgasms. You may not orgasm as easily when stressed out or when you're in an uncomfortable environment. There is such a strong mind-body connection and anything going on that affects our context can improve or inhibit climax — and women tend to be more sensitive to these factors."
Also falling under the bracket of psychological roadblocks are a sense of feeling rushed to climax along with — or as quickly as — your male partner, which is quite the physiological challenge.
"Men usually orgasm within the first five to ten minutes of rapid stimulation," Jamea said. "Women may take upwards of 30 minutes to get there. So, a lot of women who have never had an orgasm may simply have not given themselves enough time."
Yet another more complicated roadblock in the way of achieving orgasm is past trauma.
"Trauma causes a dissociative response, which means the mind and body become disconnected," Jamea said. "In situations where vulnerability and trust are necessary, fear can take over, resulting in a similar dissociative response. In other words, it can result in someone freezing up."
Some women, like Amy, feel guilt and other negative emotions about not being able to consistently orgasm, which is totally normal, albeit distressing.
"[Negative emotions] are a definite problem for many women who don't orgasm," Mintz said. "A lot of it comes down to feeling like they're not normal, or that they're flawed or broken. This can lead to low self-esteem, shame and the avoidance of sex."
Both Mintz and Jamea champion masturbation with an open, patient mind as the ultimate treatment for women who have never had an orgasm, or have trouble orgasming.
"Experiment with your own touch, with what feels good to you and try out different toys," Jamea said. "Vibrators can do wonders."
Mindfulness techniques can also help get you in tune with your body and help quiet the chatter of the mind that can intensify when you're fixated on having an orgasm, or worried that you're taking too long. Anxious thoughts can be particularly intense when you're with a partner.
"Do I look good, smell good, taste good?" Mintz said of some of the many questions that may flood our minds during sex. "You can't orgasm when you're thinking so hard."
Most of all, it's important to recognize that you aren't having an orgasm for anyone but yourself. Own it and don't judge it. Let it happen without trying to control it.
"This is your orgasm, not anybody else's," Jamea said. It's in your hands."


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Partin AW, et al., eds. Sexual function and dysfunction in the female. In: Campbell-Walsh-Wein Urology. 12th ed. Elsevier; 2021. https://www.clinicalkey.com. Accessed Jan. 11, 2022.
Agronin M. Sexual dysfunction in older adults. https://www.uptodate.com/contents/search. Accessed Jan. 11, 2022.
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Anorgasmia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.
Among all women, the frequency and intensity of orgasms vary. Also, for any individual, orgasms can be different from one time to the next. The type and amount of stimulation needed to have an orgasm also varies.
Multiple factors may lead to anorgasmia. These include relationship or intimacy issues, cultural factors, physical or medical conditions, and medications. Treatments can include education about sexual stimulation, sexual enhancement devices, individual or couple therapy, and medications.
Female orgasmic disorder is another term for the spectrum of problems with orgasms. The word "anorgasmia" specifically refers to not being able to have an orgasm, but it's also used as shorthand for female orgasmic disorders.
An orgasm is a peak feeling of intense pleasure in response to stimulating sexual activity.
Vaginal penetration during sex indirectly stimulates the clitoris. But this may not be enough stimulation for orgasm. Many women may also need direct manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris to reach orgasm.
Anorgasmia, or female orgasmic disorder, is defined as experiencing any of these in a significant way:
Women who don't always reach orgasm during sexual encounters may not find it distressing. In that case, the lack of an orgasm is not considered a disorder.
Talk to your health care provider if you have concerns about your sex life, especially if you're concerned about your ability to have an orgasm.
Sexual arousal and orgasms are complex reactions to various physical, emotional, sensory and psychological factors. Difficulties in any of these areas can affect your ability to have an orgasm.
Past experiences, behaviors, background or mental well-being may contribute to problems with orgasms. These include:
Problems with your sex partner may be contributing factors to problems with orgasms. These may include:
A wide range of illnesses, physical changes and medications can interfere with orgasms:
Women experiencing anorgasmia may have one or more related sexual problems. These may contribute to or complicate the problem with having orgasms. These conditions include:
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Why Can’t I Orgasm? A Neuroscientist Explains
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In my practice as a certified sex therapist and in my work as a neuroscientist studying pleasure, there’s one question I hear a lot: Why can’t I orgasm?
Having a regular stream of orgasms isn’t just about having a good sex life; it’s about prioritizing pleasure—something that’s beneficial for our brains and bodies, as I discuss here in my Ask Dr. Nan column and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters .
In past columns we have explored what an orgasm is and how it feels , as well as various types of orgasm ( clitoral , nipple , and vaginal/cervical ). This week we will address one of the most urgent and common of concerns for which clients seek my services—usually expressed with a little embarrassment: “Why can’t I orgasm?”
Getting reliable data about how many women suffer from orgasmic dysfunction , which is how difficulty having an orgasm is generally described, isn’t easy. There’s big variability in how dysfunction is defined, how questions are phrased, who is sampled, and other technical issues too boring to discuss, but recent data indicate that 16% to 25% percent of women in places like the U.S., Australia, Canada, and Sweden, report these challenges. In other countries where cultural attitudes about sex are more negative, rates are significantly higher. (A whopping 74% of women in Ghana report orgasmic dysfunction, for example.)
“ Anorgasmia ,” as it’s scientifically referred to, can be situational. You may be able to orgasm during certain circumstances—for example, when masturbating alone but not when your partner is present, or not during sexual intercourse. That’s pretty common actually—”mild” anorgasmia like this has been reported to affect up to 60 percent of women.
So what can you do about it? Let’s dig into the common reasons women can’t orgasm and how to address them.
In my clinical work, I’ve found that for women who’ve never ever had an orgasm, the most common cause is simply insufficient practice masturbating.
Orgasm isn’t just the result of a glass of nice wine, a little Marvin Gaye, and some fairy dust; it’s a learned skill. I’ve studied the sensory pathways from the genitals to the brain’s pleasure machinery—connecting and strengthening them is what makes orgasms possible and easier to access.
Males appear to have an easier time discovering how to masturbate to orgasm than females. This may be in part due to biology—an erect penis is hard to ignore—in combination with a culture that more readily accepts male masturbation as the norm. So it isn’t surprising that discovering our orgasm capacity may not be automatic for women.
The solution: If anorgasmia is persistent, masturbate . And while you are doing that, Kegel, Kegel, Kegel. Kegel practice can be the single most powerful tool in ramping up the orgasm machinery. Helpful hint: Use a vibrator (and don’t worry about diminishing your sensitivity—that’s a myth).
Our culture bombards us with conflicting and creepy messages about our sexuality: You should have a perfect body. You should be a sex object. You shouldn’t enjoy sex too much or have too many partners, because that makes you a slut.
Learning plays a big role in our sexual dysfunctions. No matter how sophisticated or sex positive the attitudes and beliefs at the top of your mind are, old sex-negative messages and experiences can trigger defenses and prevent us from letting go into the experience.
Beyond cultural programming, traumatic experiences related to our sexuality can shut down our ability to relax into sensations and feel comfortable with and entitled to having sexual pleasure.
The trauma needn’t be extreme to imprint us with a blockage to letting go into the release of orgasmic delights. For example, a client of mine struggled with the ability to orgasm for years that stemmed from something that happened when she was a kid. While taking a bath, her mom walked in and saw her touching her genitals when the soap slipped between her legs and yelled in an uncharacteristically harsh way. Put that together with a Catholic school education, and what you got was a big, fat orgasm blockage.
The solution: If you have been shamed about sex or have traumas big or small, talk to a sex therapist. After some work, that client was able to permit herself to release into orgasm after recognizing how her bathtub shaming experience kept her from exploring pleasure. After a few sessions of unpacking this old learning, she was able to discover her orgasm after making good friends with a vibrator.
Age can also play a role; women 49 years and older are more likely than younger women to experience orgasmic dysfunction. As we age, the production of our sex hormones tends to slow down, making arousal and orgasm potentially more challenging> Another factor can be a loss of tone in the pelvic floor muscles.
The solution: If you use it, you’re less likely to lose it. Being physically and sexually active is the most potent way to maximize our ongoing sexual potential by bringing increased blood flow to our genitals and strengthening the pelvic floor.
Feeling depressed or anxious can certainly put a damper on our sexual response. And so can the use of antidepressants like SSRIs (Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro, etc.) that can treat these conditions. These drugs can impact the serotonin system in ways that squash sexual desire and impair the ability to orgasm. And likewise, if you are self-medicating anxiety or depression with alcohol, that also can blunt the sexual response.
The solution: If you are anxious or depressed, don’t hesitate to consult a therapist and explore tools to help improve your mental health. If you need an antidepressant, talk to your doctor about any potential sexual side effects when making the decision of which medication to take. And if you are already taking an antidepressant that appears to be negatively impacting your sexual response, talk to your doctor about reevaluating your medication regimen. There are some antidepressant medications that are less likely to cause sexual problems.
If you can orgasm solo but not with a partner (situational anorgasmia), you are not alone. This is a common issue and usually stems from either being too uncomfortable about letting go all the way in the presence of a partner, or from having issues asking for the precise kind of stimulation you need.
Conflict in relationships can also be a big reason the orgasm becomes elusive. If you don’t feel safe with your partner or harbor big resentments, orgasms can be the casuality.
The solution: Women often aren’t comfortable asking for what they need in bed, larg
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