Women Scared Of Sex

Women Scared Of Sex

New Study Finds Women Are Scared During Sex More Often Than Men
NCOSE leads the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation with over 300 member organizations.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation has had over 100 policy victories since 2010. Each victory promotes human dignity above exploitation.

NCOSE’s activism campaigns and victories have made headlines around the globe. Averaging 93 mentions per week by media outlets and shows such as Today, CNN, The New York Times, BBC News, USA Today, Fox News and more.

NCOSE’s activism campaigns and victories have made headlines around the globe. Averaging 93 mentions per week by media outlets and shows such as Today, CNN, The New York Times, BBC News, USA Today, Fox News and more.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation has had over 100 policy victories since 2010. Each victory promotes human dignity above exploitation.
NCOSE leads the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation with over 300 member organizations.

Survivor Lawsuit Against Twitter Moves to Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals

Survivors’ $12.7M Victory Over Explicit Website a Beacon of Hope for Other Survivors

Instagram Makes Positive Safety Changes via Improved Reporting and Direct Message Tools

Sharing experiences may be a restorative and liberating process. This is a place for those who want to express their story.

There are more ways that you can support dignity today, through an online gift, taking action, or joining our team.

1201 F St NW, Suite 200 Washington, DC 20004

202.393.7245

PUBLIC@NCOSE.COM

Email Address** This value is not valid This field requires a value Please enter a valid email address This value is not valid
In April 2019, the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy published a study discussing what caused people to feel fear during sex. The study, titled “Feeling Scared During Sex: Findings from a U.S. Probability Sample of Women and Men Ages 14 to 60,” came to some interesting conclusions. At one point, the authors of the study even pointed out a potential connection between pornography and certain violent actions that scared women during sex. Sadly, many of the findings weren’t all that surprising given the prevalence of rape culture in society today.
Out of the 2,533 participants in the study, 474 indicated that something scary had happened to them during sex. Of those 474 people, 347 responded to the open-ended prompt to share an example of a scary sexual experience they had experienced. The descriptions of “scary sex” varied from person to person, but included rape, sexual assault, anal sexual behavior, risk of STI and/or pregnancy, choking, aggression, threats, being held down, BDSM, and more. As is consistent with previous research and observations, women were significantly more likely than men to indicate having experienced scary sex (70.9% of female respondents vs 46.9% of male respondents [Herbenick, et al., 2019]). Indeed, of the 58 respondents that described rape/forced sex/sexual assault as having been their example of scary sex, 50 were women (which is approximately 86% of the respondents).
A particularly striking, though not altogether surprising, observation that was made in this study was the stark differences men and women had in the sources of their fear during sex. When asked about what made them feel scared during sex, women were more likely to respond based on physical safety. For instance, women were scared by their partners not stopping when they said no, unexpectedly choking them during sex, or being overly rough/aggressive. Men, on the other hand, were more likely to report being afraid of “the female period cycle,” the number of prior sexual partners a woman had, or a condom breaking. These gendered differences in sources of fear during sex might be a good topic of exploration for future research.
While noting that many of the men did have different answers than most of the women, there were also men who reported experiences that caused them to fear aggression, forced penetration, etc. Quite of few of these men alluded to the other person in the scary sexual encounter as being male. The researchers involved in this study noted that this finding was “consistent with literature demonstrating that gay and bisexual men are at disproportionately greater risk of sexual violence” (Hebernick, et al., 2019). It is also consistent with the overarching motive of sexual exploitation to cater to the fulfillment of male sexual desires , as our VP of Policy and Research, Lisa Thompson, pointed out in “ The Global Supply Chain of Sexual Exploitation and the Necessity of Combating the Demand for Commercial Sex .”
An interesting point that sticks out in the study is the prevalence of choking and other aggressive behaviors among the responses given by participants when asked what scared them during sex. The researchers noted that “ Like anal sex, choking appears to have become more commonly portrayed in sexually explicit media and sexual choking behaviors (and interest in choking) are associated with pornography use” (Hebernick, et al., 2019). Given that strangulation is a particularly common form of intimate partner violence (IPV), it is unsurprising that so many women reported feeling scared when their partners tried choking them without prior consent. While the researchers hesitated to put the full blame for these behaviors on pornography without doing more nuanced research, there is already much research regarding the effects pornography has on sexual aggression/violence.
Another important point that was made during this study was that “ unwanted, unpleasurable, and even frightening things can happen during sex that is otherwise wanted and pleasurable” (Hebernick, et al., 2019). In other words, while sexual intercourse itself, or even a particular sex act, may be consensual and pleasurable in the beginning, that can change in the midst of the sexual encounter. This reinforces the need for ongoing communication between partners, in order that the non-consensual and/or unpleasurable acts may be terminated and subsequently avoided. Communication includes listening to the verbal and/or physical cues given by one’s partner, taking care to remember that not all partners feel empowered to verbalize their displeasure.
The idea that anyone is scared during sex is part of what motivates the National Center on Sexual Exploitation to so passionately work towards a world free from sexual exploitation. We believe that every individual, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, sexuality, etc., has inherent dignity. As this study showed, that dignity is too often stolen away from people in more ways than the average person tends to think about. That is why we make it part of our mission to educate the public on the numerous aspects of sexual exploitation and the ways those harms are interconnected. The fact that, as this study briefly pointed out, pornography use is connected with sexually violent behaviors against women is just one example of those interconnected harms.
It is important to note that feeling scared during sex is not normal. If you feel that you are being sexually abused, the National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-4673. You can also speak with someone online at this link , and find more information at rainn.org .
If you or a loved one is a victim in a domestically abusive relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 and there is also information on their website at https://www.thehotline.org/ .
If you have other questions or need more information about how to help yourself or a loved one, you can always visit our Resources page . Please know that there is hope, that you are not alone, and that there are people who want to help you!
Thank you for subscribing to our email updates!

News & Politics

Culture

Food

Science & Health

Life Stories

Video

About

Profile
Login/Sign Up
Sticky Header: off
Night Mode: off
Saved Articles
Go Ad-Free
Logout

Sticky Header

Night Mode

Published August 21, 2012 12:00AM (EDT)

Related Topics ------------------------------------------
Fathers
Love And Sex
Psychology
Psychotherapy
Relationships
Sex
Since You Asked

My girlfriend is a sweet, kind and intelligent woman. She just graduated college and is a nurse. She is 22 and she is very inexperienced at relationships. I'm 29 and I have had a number of relationships over the years and I generally know what I want in a woman. My girlfriend has been good to me for the most part and she has almost every single quality that I am looking for in a woman.
We have been dating for over four months now and we have a sticking point in our relationship. Affection and sex are a problem. She isn't anywhere near as affectionate as I am and getting her to express her feelings is almost like pulling teeth. I am just the opposite. I am outgoing, personable, not afraid to tell someone how I am feeling, and I am very affectionate. I hug my friends (girls and guys), I hug my family, I am not afraid of contact at all. But she is back and forth with me on affection and the subject of sexual intimacy.
Some days she is very affectionate and we have these intense make-out sessions that would make many people blush. More often than not she will barely kiss or hug me in a night and get annoyed a few days later if I try to get her to be more affectionate. Then there is the subject of sex and it is all kinds of confusing with her. First of all I know she wants to have sex, she has told me as much. She has even said that she wants to "f--- my brains out" on more than one occasion (those are her words, not mine). But then she says she wants to wait until marriage.
I have asked her why she wants to wait until marriage and I have gotten a range of answers, but her fallback/go-to answer is always religious belief. This coming from someone who doesn't read the Bible, doesn't go to church and never prays. Once or twice she has used the word "scary" to describe things related to the subject including when we talk about being more serious. If I ask her about doing other things before marriage I have gotten inconsistent answers from maybe, to possibly, to not until the wedding night.
If I ask her to talk about sex she usually doesn't want to talk about the subject. But then will bring it up on her own from time to time, usually to ask questions about why people do this, that or another. Recently she asked me about why men go to prostitutes instead of masturbate. This led to a long discussion (we were drinking a little) and I found out that she (says) has never masturbated but has had a guy finger her once. When I asked for more info she said that masturbation seems "wrong" to her and after she was fingered it felt "wrong" to her even though she really enjoyed it when it occurred. That relationship "fizzled out" soon after (her words).
If I ask her why it's OK that her boyfriend, her mother and all of her friends have had premarital sex but not OK for her she doesn't really have an answer for that. She doesn't think we are wicked or evil or going to hell. She never judges any of us for it at all. For some reason the rules don't apply consistently.
I want to add to this that her father left when he found out her mother was pregnant with her and she has never met the SOB. I personally hate the guy just on this basis alone (abandoning your child is unforgivable to me). From this lifelong experience she definitely has some resentment.
I really care about her and on the days she is being affectionate I have gotten to the point where I almost feel like telling her I love her. The feeling isn't consistent enough yet for me to tell her that; I think it will get there soon though. Here is the thing, though: I am very very frustrated. I have been with multiple women (something she is aware of). I think waiting until marriage is insane and a horrible idea. I have intimate needs that are not being even addressed, let alone satisfied. I am still not sure that I can marry someone without having had sex with them beforehand. In fact, before her I used to make it an absolute must before marriage or engagement.
The thing is, she is a very high-quality, wonderful woman. I really enjoy her company and I am finally dating an intellectual and (mostly) moral equal. I can't imagine being able to find a better person to spend my life with and raise kids with. She tells me I have been more respectful of her than any man she has ever met by a huge margin. I buy her flowers about once every two weeks. I always ask permission to do something instead of just assuming I can and doing it (i.e., touching her in certain ways).
But I can't seem to get her past this and I don't know how long I can take this very frustrating wait. What do I do? How can I convince her that sex isn't scary or bad or wrong? How can I convince her that it is a normal, healthy part of an adult relationship and that waiting is a bad idea? How can I get her to be more consistently affectionate? And is there any way to just get her to be more consistent in general? Is she going through something that needs professional help?
My guess is that the choices your girlfriend is making about sex are her way of guarding against the existential threat of abandonment.
The message your girlfriend got as an infant, and throughout her childhood, is that men will abandon you. That's what happened to her and her mother and that's what will happen to her again if she allows it. Men you love, men who are important to you, men you have sex with, men who get you pregnant, they abandon you in a way that is painful and threatens your survival.
"Fear of abandonment is the hallmark of the fatherless daughter," writes Pamela Thomas, author of "Fatherless Daughters: Turning the Pain of Loss Into the Power of Forgiveness."
So she is never going to let that happen to her. That's the message operating on an unconscious level: Whatever she must forgo, whatever she must endure, she is never going to let another man come into her life and abandon her. So when you treat her kindly and want to have sex with her, she may feel a strong urge to love you and have sex with you. But she also feels powerfully conflicted feelings of terror and rage.
The thing about early life experiences like hers is that they're not available as conscious memories. So they work on us in baffling ways. We fear things that others find pleasurable. We justify our fears in implausible ways. She says she wants to put off having sex for "religious" reasons. That doesn't make sense to you because she's not religious. Of course it doesn't make sense. She's not able to make sense of this because it is unconscious and irrational.
"Directly linked to fear of abandonment," Thomas says, "are many other emotional problems, including issues with intimacy, sex, trust, commitment, shame, and most of all, anger."
If she were to begin psychotherapy and then decide, at some time into it, that she's ready to try having sex, the first time might trigger powerful memories and symptoms. She might feel suddenly angry and frightened and not know why. That would be a sign that her early experience is coming alive. It might actually be a good thing if it happened in the context of a supportive, ongoing relationship with a partner and also with a psychotherapist.
However, if she decides to have sex before she's ready, it could be rough going indeed. She could seem to come apart. So I do not recommend that you keep trying to help her have a satisfying sexual experience.
We can't force people to confront the awful pain of early abandonment. One generally begins exploring such things only after enduring enough pain and disappointment to force the issue. If she genuinely wants to explore the deep origins of her feelings about life and romance and men and sex then I would definitely recommend that she begin serious psychotherapy, of a psychodynamic variety.

You could gently suggest this to her. But you can't fix her. In fact, to assume that every woman must become sexually active and functional is a sexist assumption. If women are to be truly free, we must labor to free ourselves of these expectations. If we truly believe that a woman would be "happier" if she had a decent sex life then we must gird our loins and grant women the freedom to be "unhappy."
It's her choice. I have little doubt that she is living with discomfort and fear that could be alleviated through long and diligent work with a strong, protective, loyal and insightful therapist. But it's her choice.
In a nutshell, here is my thinking on your prospects for a satisfying sex life with this woman. It won't happen unless you and she have a shared understanding of how she was affected by her early abandonment and a shared agreement that you want to work on this together in an intimate therapeutic setting.
So please, don't just marry her and expect her sexuality to magically blossom. Instead, ask yourself if this is the relationship you want, now, today, the way it is. If not, don't marry her and expect things to change.
If you're not happy with the relationship as it is now, then do not commit to it. Marrying will not change her. She will change if and when she is ready.
Copyright © 2022 Salon.com, LLC. Reproduction of material from any Salon pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. SALON ® is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office as a trademark of Salon.com, LLC. Associated Press articles: Copyright © 2016 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

We use cookies to make wikiHow great. By using our site, you agree to our cookie policy . Cookie Settings
{"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/a\/a5\/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Sex-Step-1.jpg\/v4-460px-Overcome-a-Fear-of-Sex-Step-1.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/a\/a5\/Overcome-a-Fear-of-Sex-Step-1.jpg\/aid214862-v4-728px-Overcome-a-Fear-of-Sex-Step-1.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"License: Creative Commons<\/a>\n<\/p>

\n<\/p><\/div>"}

Face your fear. Determine what you are afraid of and challenge it. When it comes to being fearful of sex, you need to know what has caused you to be afraid. Identifying specific fears will help you focus on finding a solution.

Sit down and make a list of the things you fear about sex. For example, you may not know how to approach the subject, you might be afraid of doing something wrong, or you're embarrassed of
Old Mom Xxx
Little School Girl Porno
Long Japanese Mom Sex

Women Scared Of Sex

Report Page