Women Assholes

Women Assholes
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We've established that all couples are disgusting , and I'm not just talking about the pet names — I'm talking about the way that every time you and your sweetie exchange a tender kiss, that kiss contains 80 million bacteria (okay, I'm also talking about the pet names). Yeah, those are 80 million harmless bacteria, but the whole thing still feels a little gross. And that's not even touching on all the gross stuff that couples do that doesn't involve swapping any bacteria, but does involve being wildly foul —like sharing toothbrushes, pooping with the door open, or picking a stray piece of broccoli out of their teeth. It's enough to make you want to swear off dating and barricade yourself inside your house alone forever, right?
Well, you might want to think it over a little more before you take a vow of celibacy and commit to a monogamous relationship with Seamless — because as foul as we are in pairs, we are inarguably a thousand times fouler on our own. After all, no matter how long you've been in a relationship, you still probably hope that the other person still finds you kinda sexy, or dignified, or at least doesn't think that you have actual chunks of garbage flowing through your veins.
But when you're alone, there's no one you have to impress by not peeing in the shower, or, you know, even taking an actual shower. And that is why when we're alone, we let loose —with these 19 thoroughly disgusting solo behaviors below that pretty much every woman does (but I'm sure you've never done any of them, fair maiden).
Especially when someone in your office mentions a "weird smell." I mean, it's never actually you that's the weird smell, but that fact seems to have little impact on one's overall crotch stank paranoia levels.
Soap down the pits and crotch, hit your roots with some dry shampoo, and no one is the wiser (right? RIGHT??).
Raise your hand if you have ever suffered the instant karma of peeing in the shower, only to have the drain immediately become clogged, leaving you covered in soap, standing in pee water, and cursing the day you were born.
Bonus points if the hair strand is so long that it has managed to wedge itself into both your butt crack and vulva. Double bonus points if you only realize the hair is stuck there after you start hooking up with someone, and desperately try to figure out a way to extract it without drawing too much attention.
Even though every other time you've done this, it's gotten torn to weird shreds and left your underwear a bloody mess, you still hold out hope that this time is going to be different. No one in the world is as blindly optimistic as a woman who has just made a pad out of toilet paper.
I mean, it does look kind of cool. But it's still probably not an acceptable topic to bring up at brunch. Same goes for poop.
It's so strange how when you dealt it they somehow don't smell as bad.
Everyone has a favorite, right? Mine's a Neutrogena microdermabrasion wand with the exfoliating pad ripped off. Sonicare toothbrushes can, however, be disappointing.
The feeling of relief that washes over your body after you successfully extract an ingrown pubic hair is probably life's greatest feeling that can be shared with absolutely no one else ever.
I have a single chin hair, which I once measured before plucking it. It was one inch long. Does admitting this on the internet mean that I'm no longer eligible for any political jobs?
Your skin always looks worse after, but you feel so satisfied.
And not just because you forgot to bring your phone in with you when you went to the bathroom (but also that).
You know, the piece of gum that's been knocked out of its wrapper by random purse crap? The kind that you'd act super disgusted about and make a big show of throwing out if someone else were there?
Admit it: when you are all alone, you caress your last-shaved-five-days-ago calves lovingly, as if they were a beloved house pet.
Dudes, you are not the only one who stick your hand down your pants in a non-sexual way while you're watching TV. This is your notice.
Sometimes just around the bra band area; sometimes all over the boobs themselves, if you've gotten really sweaty that day. Way more pleasurable than it should be.
The crack between your bed and the wall is not a trashcan.
Or a whole package of Oreos. Or most of a pizza. Then falling asleep next to the plate; then looking at the evidence in the morning with an air of shock and confusion, like you have no idea what happened. Who ate garlic knots in your bed last night? Probably aliens! It's the only reasonable answer! Or ghosts. Could have also been ghosts.

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Best Sex Positions for When Have Time To Kill

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5 Best Sex Positions For An Extra Special Occasion

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Claire Lampen
Claire is a freelance writer covering sex and gender.

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Personal opinion/possible fact: 69 is the worst sex position ever invented. Allow me to explain with an extended metaphor.
I'd do most things in exchange for a back massage—my whole situation back there is nothing less than a hot mess. Unless, of course, that rub-down happens as part of a massage train, and I'm not sitting at the front. In that case, I pass as hard as humanly possible. How am I supposed to pay attention to the pleasurable sensations of a back massage when I also have to invest effort into someone else? It degrades the experience and I'm not having it.
Same thing almost always goes for 69, an abysmal sex position. Here you are, all jazzed to have someone go down on you , and then all of a sudden there's this obligation to maneuver and suspend your body over, or next to, theirs. Neither configuration is comfortable. Why are we purposefully overcomplicating and ruining a nice thing?
Turns out, my opinion is a popular one. Among the 15 women who agreed to tell me about their least favorite sex positions, 69 came up—a lot. In fact, their loathing clustered in a few key places:
"69 is not fun and I think it was made up by people who want bodies to fit together in a way they don't really [fit together]. Just go down on each other one at a time!" — Sandy*, 26
"My answer would be 69. I prefer when noses are pointed away from, rather than toward, assholes during oral sex." — Liana, 28
"Probably 69...because it's uncomfortable and I find it hard to multitask, ya know?" — Maddy, 30
"Well, it depends on the person—I'm on the small side, and if the dude is tall, it's hard to do, um, anything where I'm on top. There's some restriction re: leg movement, if the guy is really big and then my hips can't move as freely. Otherwise, I hate 69. It is never fun and requires way too much concentration." — Rebecca, 28
"TBH, I don't really like 69. Maybe I haven't done it enough, or with the right human, but it's never been satisfying and it feels overly choreographed." — Angelika*, 27
"Also, shower sex. Maybe I also haven't gotten it right but it's too slippery and I fall." — Angelika*, 27
"If you love getting water in your eyes, water up your nose, water in your—WHEREVER—then you'll love shower sex." — Brianna, 27
"I guess I would have to say up on a wall. Mostly because I always slide down it and it makes it so awkward. Seeing it in movies, when some big jacked guy is railing a tiny person, you think this is going to work for everyone. It doesn't." — Krista, 32
"The sexual position of someone holding you up—it's impossible and bizarre and like, why are you trying to do this? I'm not an orangutan, I can't climb for sh*t." — Kit, 28
"The one position that still hasn't done it for me—no matter how confident I get— is having sex while standing up. I'm an awkward person to begin with, and when you throw in trying to achieve penetration while balancing on one leg and usually leaning against some sort of unstable surface, it's difficult—if not impossible—for me to feel any sort of real pleasure." — Gabby, 27
"Probably missionary because often I feel a little forgotten if the other person isn't looking at me." — Char, 28
"Not a position, but sex on the beach blows. So much grit everywhere." — Leigh, 29
(Girl, try these beach sex positions instead.)
"I don't like sitting on someone's face. I can't get comfortable and I want to relax, but also not let go too much, and then I feel self conscious so just none of it is sexy to me." — Kaitlin, 28
"I'm not the biggest fan of reverse cowgirl. I feel a little self-conscious when I have my back to my partner, and never feel like I'm moving my pelvis the right way. And I feel like, if I sit on it in too 'porn-y' a way, I'll look and feel foolish." — Jenny, 26
"My least favorite position is anything where I have to squat—like sitting on someone's lap facing forward—because it makes me feel like a sexual frog and my quads are not equipped for such activity." — Abby, 28
"Having my legs up over my partner's shoulders rarely feels good, because it's way too much pressure. Also, I feel like a pretzel and my legs cramp." — Ashley, 27
* Names have been changed at subject's request.

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