Without Penetration
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Without Penetration
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Allow me to introduce you to The Pretzel Dip.
ICYMI, penetration isn't the end all when it comes to sex. And while, sure, it can feel good to have someone (or something) inside you, penetrative sex simply isn't what brings everyone over the hump to, you know, orgasm . In fact, there are plenty of people out there who don't really enjoy penetrative sex. And even for those who do enjoy it, there's something to be said about dedicating time to exploring and experimenting with pleasure that isn't all about going in deep.
"Many prefer outercourse for various reasons," says Wendasha Jenkins Hall , PhD, a sex educator who specializes in the well-being of women and femmes. "For example, non-penetrative sex helps one explore their body or their partner's body more intimately ." Sex without penetration helps switch up the monotony of penetrative sex as well, and can allow people to engage in new kinds of sex-pleasure or sexual fantasies, Jenkins Hall explains.
Alternatively, you might also want another option aside from penetrative sex due to trauma, body dysphoria, or other medical conditions that make penetrative sex uncomfortable, says Jenkins Hall. That said, whatever part of the spectrum you fall on when it comes to your non-penetrative sexual desires, there are plenty of sex positions out there that will be perfect for you to try, either with a partner or all on your own. Each takes the focus off penetration and instead puts the emphasis on make-out sessions, clitoral sex toys , dry humping, and more, says Gigi Engle , certified sexologist and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide To Se x, Love, And Life. In the end, there's a good chance you'll have discovered new ways of getting off that you didn't even know were possible. Keep reading for the a list of 10 expert-approved non-penetrative sex positions out there that'll get you started.
Want to sit back and relax? Try the Pretzel Dip. "Have your partner sit back against the pillows or headboard with [their] knees up and legs spread," says Engle. "On your knees, stimulate [their] clitoris with your hand. Feel free to lean in. This is a great position for passionate kissing. You’ll also have prime access to each other’s breasts in this position for double-duty nipple stimulation."
Do it: Prop up some pillows or use your hand and lean back. Then, let your partner's hands and mouth do the rest.
If you're looking for an optimal angle for genital stimulation, maybe it's time to give the Spork a try. It's perfect for kissing their neck and reaching down to stimulate their nipples, perineum, or clitoris
When you're ready for round two, slide your body down a bit for some oral sex." Have your partner lie on [their] back, propping [their] elbows underneath [them] to tilt [their] pelvis forward," says Engle. "Lean in on your hands, knees, or stomach to go down on [them]." This position is ideal for easy access to the clitoris or penis and you can easily incorporate a sex toy whenever you need to come up for air.
Do it: Lie on your back and place your elbows and hands underneath you so that you're at a slight angle. Have your partner lean over your genitals and pleasure you.
"Outercourse can be done in the missionary position where both partners are close and kissing, touching, and rubbing bodies," Jenkins Hall says. Make the missionary position non-penetrative by having them grind on top of you, leaving you to sit back and relax while they show your clit some love.
Do It: Lie on your back while your partner straddles you on top and grinds up and down.
The bedroom? Been there, done that. Take things to the shower , Engle recommends; it's THE place to explore each other's bodies. "Have your partner turn around and let the water run over them while you give them a hand job or rub their clitoris [from behind]," she suggests.
"Standing behind your partner while using your hand on them sets up a seductive power-dynamic. You have them sandwiched between the shower wall and your body, the soap running all over both of you," she adds.
Do it: Hop in the shower and face the wall. Then, have your partner press up against you and let their hands touch your genitals. Bend over for easier access.
Did you know that most people with vaginas don’t orgasm from penetrative sex? "Some form or clitoral stimulation is needed, and outercourse provides an avenue for that," Jenkins Hall says. That's what makes The Chairman so great. You can sit on your partner, allowing them to scoop you in. (It'll feel intimate being sooo close.)
Then, you can grind on them as you please, and they can reach around and stimulate your vulva and clitoris from behind while kissing your neck, pulling on your nipples, and more, says Engle.
Do It: Your partner sits on the edge of the bed (or a chair) and while you sit on them, facing away.
"Partners can also sit facing each other or in front of a mirror and engage in mutual masturbation," Jenkins Hall explains. In the Magic Mountain position, each of you has great access to your own genitals for self-touch. If want to heat things up, you can reach across and touch your partner's parts, too, or just grind against each other by swiveling your hips in a figure-eight motion.
Do It: Both you and your partner sit with your legs bent. Inch toward each other until you you make contact.
Non-penetrative doesn't have to include a partner. Jenkins Hall encourages mirror play, so grab your handheld and start exploring the likes of your most personal places with a vibrator. "From running it along the labia, to using it on the mons pubis, to trying different motions around, up and down, or across the clitoral glans, there is no limit to vibrators. Vibrators are there to be your helping hand in self-discovery. And that is a beautiful thing," Engle explains.
Do It: Sit in a comfortable chair with a hand mirror. Try propping one leg up on the bathtub, bed, or couch so that you can get the best possible look at your goods. Here's the trick: Don't just focus on your sensitive clitoris, but also venture away to discover other erogenous zones.
Something to note: Outercourse allows people of all sexual orientations and gender identities to safely explore sex in a non-prescriptive way, says Jenkins Hall. That's why absolutely no one will judge you for doing the literal Couch Grind . Your couch, your rules, right?
It's a way to stimulate your clitoris in a non-abrasive way (full-on touching the clit can hurt for some people). Want to spice it up even more? Place a vibrator between you and the couch, Engle suggests.
Do It: Don't question it. Just ride the couch, edge of a table, or desk with a thick towel or blanket folded over to keep the surface soft to the touch. Bring a vibrator to grind on too if you want to take things up a level.
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Because you don’t have to put anything in to get it on.
For many people, 'good sex' is synonymous with penetration – whether it’s vaginal or anal. Heck, some people don’t even define it as ‘sex’ unless penetration is involved, thanks to the heteronormative, ableist and one-size-fits-all attitudes to sex that we’ve been fed through the media and subpar sex education.
But there are so many reasons why we might want to skip the penetration and focus on many, many, many other aspects of sex out there to be enjoyed. Some individuals experience vaginismus which might make penetration difficult and painful, then there’s also the fact that around 80% of women and people with vulvas can’t orgasm via penetration alone and will need clitoral stimulation in order to get there. And then, of course, there's simply the fact that you might not fancy penetration at any given time – it’s up to you to define what constitutes good sex to you.
So, to celebrate the fact that sex comes in lots of different shapes and forms, we’ve rounded up a selection of non-penetrative sex ideas to get you started.
“‘Kunyaza’ is a practice that’s been exercised for hundreds of years between heterosexual couples in central Africa,” says owner of the Whores of Yore sexual history hub, Dr. Kate Lister. “During kunyaza, the man rhythmically and firmly strikes the clitoral glands with his erect penis,” she explains.
“As the woman [or vagina-having person] becomes more aroused and the vulva starts to swell, their partner rubs their penis from the top to the bottom of the vulva, then left to right, and then in a zigzagging motion – always returning to strike the clitoris after each rotation. Finally, as the woman or vulva-haver is brought close to orgasm, their partner simultaneously stimulates the whole vulva area using long strokes... but never penetrating. The technique itself may sound deceptively simple, but kunyaza literally means ‘to make urinate’, or ‘to make squirt ’."
Tenga eggs are soft, stretchy, squishy hollow ovals with a hole at the bottom. You pour a little lube into the hole, pop them over the end of a penis, then use them to give your partner a hella good hand job – each one has a different texture inside it, to caress them in different ways. The ‘hard boiled’ varieties give stronger sensations than the classic editions, and you can also use different lubricants (warming, cooling, or extra helpings for a sloppier, slippier, more blow-job-esque feel and sound).
These aren’t just toys for the boys and penis-having people, either. Try flipping one inside out over your fingers, and using it to stroke the clitoris and labia , again with lashings of lube.
Alternatively, you can use sex toys to stimulate parts of your partner's body other than their genitals, says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist and host of The Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast .
"Try incorporating a vibrator into a sensual massage by running it up and down your partner's spine," Kate suggests. Or if you do want to go down below you can use a vibrator to externally stimulate yours or your partner's genitals, without actually penetrating.
Clit sucker sex toys are also non-penetrative and provide a totally new sensation. Instead of vibrating, they send out pressure waves that attempt to replicate the feeling of oral sex.
The perineum is the fleshy part between a guy or penis-haver's balls and anus, and it’s chokka with nerve endings. “It also hardens as he does,” explains Topher Taylor of Clonezone sex shop. “The perineum graduates from soft, to firm and back – which gives you a plump area to rub, tug and massage. I find that stimulation using your tongue and your knuckles works well.”
With your partner lying on their back, try holding the first and middle fingers of your dominant hand as though you’re flicking the Vs at their genitals, then pushing those knuckles either side of their perineum, gripping against the firm flesh and rubbing up and down while licking the surrounding areas.
The perineum responds well to moisture, pressure and temperature. Try pressing against it with a heavy, ribbed stainless steel dildo, like the Lovehoney 7 inch beaded glass dildo , that’s been chilled in the fridge or submerged in warm water.
Massage can be a great way to get intimate with your partner without your genitals even getting close to touching each other. Focus on massaging your partner's upper body, their back and shoulders, and making them feel relaxed; the skin-to-skin contact will still help to release oxytocin, the same chemical released during sex.
You can take your massage to the next level by introducing some temperature play, suggests Kate Moyle. "Try something like the Lelo massage candle to mix things up," she says. "As the candle burns it turns into a massage oil which can be used on the skin."
Introducing temperature can also be a simple way to create an element of power play, especially when one partner is in control of the different temperatures. "You can combine the massage with ice cubes to mix up hot and cold temperatures," Kate explains, "and it can be a great way of introducing teasing and giving up control to your partner."
If you usually have penetrative sex with a partner, try setting yourselves the challenge of not doing so for a week or two, suggests Kate Moyle. The time off from penetration will not only build up a tonne of tension, but touching each other outside of penetration might mean that you discover whole new sensations or erogenous zones that you'd never tapped into before.
"Anticipation is one of the best aphrodisiacs that we have, and teasing and sensual touch can play a big part of that," explains Kate. "It will help you to be more playful and imaginative - and it can really revamp your sex life to discover different parts of each other's bodies where you or they like to be touched."
"Plus, it's also important to remember that pleasure is not all about penetration," Kate adds. "In fact, most women [and people with vaginas] orgasm through direct clitoral stimulation, rather than penetrative sex alone," she explains. Try having your partner just massage your clit without actually putting anything inside - and see where else on your body feels good to be touched.
They say that the brain is the most important sex organ - and using your imagination holds endless power when it comes to sex.
Kate Moyle suggests using a prompt like the Pillow Talk card deck from The School of Life to ask each other questions about what you want during sex, whether it's asking what kind of power dynamics you find exciting, or an unusual location you've always wanted to have sex in. And there's no touching required!
"Many of us can find opening up the conversation about sex really challenging," says Kate, "but opening up communication can actually really help with intimacy."
You can also try learning more about sex and exploring different sexual subjects together, Kate adds. After all, knowledge is power!
Try listening to a podcast like The Sexual Wellness Sessions to open up a conversation about sex with your partner, says Kate. You can talk about what you enjoy, what you'd like to try, or any fantasies you might have.
And if you're done with conversation then try listening to some audio porn together. "Apps like Ferly have sensual stories and audio erotica for you to listen to, which can help to spark your erotic imagination," says Kate.
Sarah Berry is a sex and relationships therapist who often works with women and people with vaginas who suffer from dyspareunia, vaginismus and vulvodynia : conditions that make penetration or just touching the external genitals uncomfortable, even excruciating. For such clients who want to enjoy play without pain, she suggests a variety of exercises that don’t focus on the foof – but says they’re also beneficial for couples who find it hard to pause in their busy lives, or who are struggling to get aroused, especially if they feel pressure to perform sexually. They’re spot on for simply switching up your routine, too.
She recommends enjoying a lighthearted, indoor ‘Nil Penetration Playtime Picnic’ on a lazy, loungy Sunday afternoon: it’s a less tense and intense time than the night, when you might be tired, or worried about what’s coming up the next day.
“Get some finger food – no pun intended! – and some booze or decadent non-alcoholic fizz, put on some music and sit opposite each other on the bed in comfy undies or robes,” Sarah says. “Mix up chatting and snacking with touching, stroking, kissing , and masturbating if the mood takes you.” If your bedroom has accidentally become a place that’s centred around frantic fucking and insomniac fretting, this helps rebrand it as a space for chilled thrills too.
“We’re big fans of ‘outercourse’ here,” say The Vaginismus Network . “Pain-free penetration (if you want it) may be the physical end goal of vaginismus treatment, but in the meantime, if you want to have a sex life, you have to embrace other options. Vaginismus forces you to be creative in the bedroom, and actually has the potential to deepen the connection between you and your partner because you can’t just ‘have a quickie’ - you have to put a bit of effort in. Also, because vaginismus is often rooted in anxiety , fear and shame, it’s important to keep your sex life fun and interesting, to reduce the sense of humiliation and worry and the feeling of being ‘second best’ to people without genital issues.
“People with vaginismus usually have fully stocked lubricant collections , as it’s invaluable when attempting to insert dilators (slim dildos that start teeny weeny and increase in size, designed to gradually get the vagina used to accommodating an object). However, it’s also great to use for slickly stroking and massaging the labia and clitoris.”
For ultimate sensuousness during an extended massage sesh, try first smoothing on a layer of long-lasting silicone lube, like Durex Play Perfect Glide - then adding a ‘cushion’ of thick water-based lube on top, like KY Jelly Water-Based Lubricant .
“ Blindfold your partner, then stroke or press on the skin all over their body using household items you’ve gathered that have different textures: a feather duster; a leather glove; a foamy sponge; a blusher br
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