Wifes Wearing A Strap

Wifes Wearing A Strap

Posted on February 9, 2015
- By
Veronica Wells

Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN

I hate the label “good girl.” But for whatever reason, when I tell people the most cursory details of my life; and later, what I do and don’t do sexually, the phrase always seems to come up. And it makes me cringe.
One, because it diminishes my complexity as a woman and human being; but also, because that’s just not how I see myself. In my mind, I’m something like a freak. And I try very hard not to judge people on their own sexual expression. I just do–and don’t do–what’s best for me.
If anyone understands this it’s my sister and best friend. The latter of which happens to have much more varied and partnered sexual experiences than myself. And even though there were times she jokingly (?) referred to me as a Puritan, she understands my complexity. And we talk about sex and sexuality openly, in both the practical and theoretical sense.
And it was during one of these many conversations that the issue of strap ons came up. You know, like using them on male partners. (Just in case some of y’all were starting to wonder what type of “friend” I was talking about.)
I can’t remember if we were discussing Freud’s theory of penis envy or what, but either way I just so happened to mention that I would be down to use a strap on during sex…with a man. And as much as I thought my friend was going to share my reaction, her being the open-minded and adventurous one, that was not the case.
We had this conversation years ago; but basically, the idea of a man bent over booty tooted in the air was just too much for her to handle. It read “gay” to her. And it would send up so many red flags about what he was doing when he wasn’t in her presence, that she couldn’t even get past the very imagined scenario. Vehemently against it. I shrugged it off, thinking different strokes for different folks; but as for me and my hypothetical house, if my hypothetical man were down for it, I would be ready and willing.
The conversation reemerged again this weekend when this same friend shared this absolutely hilarious video from the Comedy Central show “Broad City.” And as you might suspect, a woman is faced with the decision to use a strap on with her new beau. And she is freaked all the way out. So in a panic, she runs into the bathroom and calls her bestie for advice.
I could tell you what happens next but the humor lies in the visual, so just watch it. And we’ll resume the discussion afterward. Surprisingly, after the first 10 seconds or so, you can get away with watching this at work, if your coworkers aren’t too nosy.
Hilarious, right? *Makes mental note to start watching “Broad City.”* Just in case you haven’t been following the narrative, I’m the friend that starts p poppin’ on a handstand at the thought of getting to wear this type of equipment. I certainly didn’t wear strap ons to bed in college, but I’ve thought about this possibility quite a bit and even asked one person if he’d be willing to try it. He said no. 🙁
And even though the video ends with the first woman deciding to “gurl, bye, give it a try. Give your boy a chance,” my friend was still not persuaded.
Me? I was only reassured of the decision I’d made years ago.
I wrote on her Facebook page, underneath the video: “Gurl…listen…when I tell you I pray that I am called upon with this opportunity. I would not even have to think twice. #geeked. Would.not.have.to.think.twice.”
But my friend still had reservations, which she phrased in the form of questions.
“This also begs the question…how do you feel about using other people’s artillery? Like how many people have worn this strap. I prefer my own toolkit.”
Fair. I too, am not one for hand me downs, particularly when the genital area is involved.
Perhaps a raincheck until I can get my own strap?
Then another friend asked, “ Where do you go from there? Is this the new norm? Does this escalate?”
Hmm…I don’t know about escalating but I’m assuming that once you’ve crossed that threshold there is no going back.
I get it. We’ve all been warned and re-warned about the “down low brotha.” And if we’re honest, a lot of us are still walking around with some residual homophobia. But I’m of the mindset that the anus, booty meat and all that is an erogenous zone for quite a few people, men and women alike. Wanting to get pegged or plugged or whatever by an apparatus, with a woman on the other end of it, doesn’t, by default, make you gay. Just means you want someone to play with you booty hole. Really, if you take away all the preconceived notions, and just think about pleasing that particular individual, what’s the crime in that?
Basically, the same general rules apply. Having sex with someone you don’t trust can be a risky game. So naturally, if he tells you he’s straight, bisexual or gay but trying new things for a couple of days, don’t sleep with him, strap on or no strap on, if you don’t believe, wholeheartedly, what he said.
Later that evening, my friend texted me very disturbed by her “close-mindedness.” She was concerned that she, who considered herself “open,” couldn’t get past this mental block and incorporate the strap on, even though, to my knowledge, she’s never been asked to do so.
I told her what I’ll tell you, if it’s not your thing, it’s nothing to stress over. But I think it’s healthy to question yourself and your opinions.
While I can probably guess what a majority of these responses will be, I still want to ask the question, if your man said he wanted to try a strap on or a peg, would you be down to ride…or drill?
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“My Husband Kept His Kinks A Secret Until After We Said ‘I Do'”

By: Dear Wendy

October 2, 2015

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New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here . If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com .
I try not to be a hypocrite. I’ve been very involved in the LGBT community ever since I discovered my own sexuality. But for some reason I cannot get over these fetishes he has introduced. It breaks my heart. I feel that he isn’t the man I married and like I can’t be sexually attracted to him if he wants to wear women’s underwear. Also, I’m bisexual, but I am far from being a Dom.
I don’t know what to do. I figure I can cut my losses and take my kids and get out. And then try to find a man who will protect and take care of us. But I love my husband. Any advice to help me accept him would be great. Or anything that would make me feel more comfortable with his choices. — Not a Dom
When you say that your husband’s fetishes break your heart, I wonder if that’s partly because he wasn’t upfront about them from the beginning like you were about your bisexuality. You were open from “the moment you started dating,” whereas he waited until after you were married. It’s completely understandable if you feel blindsided and resentful, but I wonder if you can separate those feelings from the physical part of your relationship. He should have been open with you from the beginning, no question. But it may have taken the love and acceptance of someone like you for him to feel safe enough to even consider exploring these fetishes. Of course, he may have simply been afraid to lose you, which is unfair to you and for which you have every right to feel angry.
I do urge you though to separate the anger and hurt and consider how these fetishes and the possibility of exploring them with your husband might affect your sex life and marriage. Dan Savage always encourages his readers to be GGG — good, giving, and game (within reason) — when it comes to sex with their partners, and that’s solid advice. Being GGG doesn’t mean being a sexual martyr, but it does mean stepping outside one’s comfort zone for a partner’s pleasure and, ultimately, the benefit of the relationship. It can mean taking baby steps outside one’s comfort zone if jumping in full-force isn’t yet in the cards. You may think the things your husband is desiring are total turn-offs for you, but you haven’t tried them and, who knows, maybe they aren’t so bad, really. Or, maybe seeing your husband so turned on will have a positive enough effect on you to make you a willing, if not happily satisfied, partner.
I would try at least to be GGG — to meet your husband halfway. Let him wear some women’s underwear while you take charge in the bedroom. Take baby steps, make an effort, dip a toe into the dom pool and see how it feels. In turn, communicate your desires and needs — let him know how he can be GGG to you, too. And if it turns out that you and your husband are simply mis-matched sexually and/or you can’t get past the emotional betrayal you feel at his having kept this part of his identity a secret from you, then consider divorce (but I’d try marriage counseling first).
As for needing a man to protect and take care of you and your kids, this is 2015 and you don’t need a man to take care of you. Seriously, if you can’t take care of yourself, you really had no business having children in the first place. What was your plan if anything ever happened to your husband? Was it to simply go find another man to step in? I hope not. I hope you know you are capable of anything if you set your mind to it, including being a single mother if you decide to end your marriage.
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram .
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com .
I was sympathetic until your last paragraph. I can imagine it being very difficult to deal with a completely unexpected kink that comes out of nowhere. But, even if you do divorce he will still be your children’s father. I don’t like the idea that you feel the need to replace him at this point. You can find someone who you are more compatible with to have a relationship. What does needing a man to ‘protect and take care of us’even mean?
*
As far as ideas for accepting him I think Wendy has excellent advice. But, if you’re willing to ‘cut your losses’ and split your family up are you even open to them?

From a husband
November 12, 2019, 11:18 am

Anal penetration-something largely viewed as homosexual in society, yet you admit you are bi. A bit hypocritical don’t you think?
That’s the fear men have. We don’t want to be labeled or looked down upon. Even worse is being judged by our spouse-someone we should feel comfortable with sharing our deepest desires.
My wife and I both equally enjoy strap on play. She sometimes has me wear panties because she says it’s sexy. We take turns with the DOM/sub roles depending on our moods.
For you to even mention leaving him because of his fetishes is close minded of you, and the exact reason husbands don’t like to reveal their kinks.
A man to take care of you? Is this 1850? You want the modern sexual freedom of being bi, but only for yourself. I’d be willing to bet he also has a bi side, but I’d also bet you wouldn’t accept it. Look at your hypocrisy, and you’ll understand why he didn’t trust you enough to tell you sooner.
I don’t understand the mind frame. Why is the choice to do something sexual that you hate or get a divorce? Has he alluded to this being a non-negotiable? Is it because he has been willing to accept kinks and you can’t reciprocate? Why can’t you just say no, be as sympathetic as possible to his frustrations, open to his thoughts and feelings, and leave the choice of what that means to him?
I thought it was a strange mindset too, does she see no middle ground? from the sounds of it she hasn’t even tried to work this out with her husband and has jumped right to considering divorce

Sunshine Brite
October 2, 2015, 9:11 am

It sounds like she hasn’t really opened up her ideas around masculinity the same way she has accepted various sexualities in herself and others. Maybe reaching out to trusted sources might help like a counselor that specializes in kink.
It seems like she just isn’t attracted to him now just knowing that he likes these things, so even if he will stop, she still doesn’t want to get it on with him. She actually sounds like she is grossed out by him for some reason. She also sounds like a D***** B**. She is just going to take his kids away from him, and replace him with the next guy that comes a long that can protect them. Like he can’t protect them anymore because he wears lady panties, and she can’t protect herself, because she is just a lady. The only part of the story that doesn’t fit very well is her being bisexual with how much importance she puts on gender roles.
Yeah I have a hard time understanding how the parent’s relationship has to do with his ability to parent. I can sympathize with her no longer being sexually attracted to him. But, she lost me once she started talking about needing to be ‘protected’ and ‘taken care of’.

Skyblossom
October 2, 2015, 10:56 am

I think she will find that you can’t just take his kids away from him. He will still be the father and still have parental rights and responsibilities.
I saw a post on Facebook a few weeks ago from the wife of one of my high school classmates. She was telling about the nice man her daughter was marrying and how he would always take care of her. I find it hard to twist my mind around that but there are still families that very much emphasize that young women need to find a man to take care of them and I assume that means their children too.
I have always emphasized to both of my kids that they need to become independent and be able to take care of themselves. We take care of each other and have each others back but we also realize we have to be able to be self-supporting and able to live an independent life.
Yeah I think you just have to take the “always take care of her” in context. I will always take care of my wife, just like she will always take care of me (I hope) it has nothing to do with making money, buying her things, and fighting off bears with my bare hands. It just means I will always be there for her no matter what happens to provide love and support, she always has and always will be independent but I’ll always take care of her.
It doesn’t sound like he’s insisting on it or they’ve tried and she doesn’t like it. It seems like she just isn’t attracted to him because of his newly revealed interest.

PumpkinSpice
October 2, 2015, 9:05 am

Jlyfsh I think the LW is saying that she
” needs a man to take care, etc” is because, due to his fetishes for women’s underwear, and want to be submissive, she believes he will no longer be/ or she doesn’t see him as the man of the house anymore. To me, a man is a man. Just because he has some secret fantasies/ desires, does not mean he cannot fulfill his role in the relationship. But besides that, LW, listen to Wendy. She gave you some really great advice. Try couples counseling with someone who specializes in sex issues. Maybe they can help you both discover what you are comfortable with.
Yeah, I’m sure that’s what she meant. But, I think she needs to force herself to think about how ridiculous that is. His kink in the bedroom doesn’t affect his ability to be a good parent. And the fact that she needs someone to ‘protect and take care of us’ like Wendy mentioned what was her plan if something happened to her husband and he died?

Skyblossom
October 2, 2015, 9:23 am

She may also be wondering if he is gay or trans. The man she has found him to be isn’t th
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Wifes Wearing A Strap

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