Wife Will Not Have Sex With Me

Wife Will Not Have Sex With Me
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(This is a post specifically written for husbands. For wives , we’ve got one for you too.)
That sad and somewhat crude comment came from a respected spiritual leader who I had come to know quite well. And I knew right then that his marriage was in trouble. I can only hope he and his wife got some professional help while they still could.
One of the most frequent things I hear from my coaching clients and from the many people who write to me is how frustrated, hurt, and even angry a man can become when repeatedly rejected sexually by his wife. I remember sitting with a classmate and his wife, watching him boil inside with embarrassment and powerlessness over his wife’s emotional and physical distance.
As a woman, I could copy the social correctness and start blaming men for being insensitive and single-minded (sexually, that is). But that’s often not the case. God did not promise you a happy sex life. You are not entitled to sex . But God made you the sexual being that you are. And if some in the Christian church have led you to believe you are spiritually defective because of your sexual drives, I apologize on their behalf. God needs you to be strong, virile, masculine! (More on that another time.)
But as a woman, I want to give you the inside story on how to get more of what you want and need – within your marriage only, of course. Your wife is completely responsible for her behavior: if she is behaving badly, that’s her problem.
But rather than feeling sorry for yourself, or looking outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction, here are five questions to consider, and some practical things you may do, that have a good chance of improving the sexual connection between you and your wife.
The Number One love need for women is unconditional love , just like it is for men. This is not an excuse for you to blame yourself, but it’s an important question to consider. What’s it been like to be married to you ? Many women will only be able to engage sexually if the emotional temperature between you is warm. She’s likely to have a much harder time than you do in putting aside “unfinished business” in your relationship to be sexual right now.
Your part: be sure she knows you love her unconditionally, not just in words but in actions. If there are conflicts in your relationship, take the initiative to start working through them together . Focus on seeking her heart rather than her body. (And believe me, she will know the difference!)
A woman goes through numerous hormonal changes during different life stages which can significantly affect her sexuality. The most common of these include immediately after having a baby, right before her monthly period, and during the menopause transition. Other medical problems or medication side effects can also affect her this way. And if she’s experienced physical pain with sex hopefully you can appreciate how that would lead her to be reluctant. A woman’s sexual response is usually more complicated than a man’s. A doctor can evaluate for any underlying physical problems that may be affecting her.
Your part: encourage her to see a physician. Offer to go with her: she may or may not want you to. Check out our Guide to Sex and Menopause .
If work, children, worry, finances, or caring for aging parents is wearing her out, it may be difficult for your wife to find the mental and physical energy to connect with you sexually, even if she wants to. It may be harder for her to put down those worries than it is for you.
Your part: at a time when she can listen, let your wife know how much you miss intimacy with her. Creatively find a way to relieve some of her burdens: YOU arrange for a housekeeper or babysitter, or take over some of her “chores” temporarily.
This is one of the most important ways in which your wife’s sexual feelings may not be about you. Unhealed sexual trauma can lead a woman to hate sex . So can harmful religious messages. Some women struggle with pornography , which is an equal opportunity relationship destroyer. And some women, even Christian women, do cheat . Your wife’s sexual story will significantly impact how she relates to you.
Your part: Start by being curious, not with accusation. Seek to understand. If she feels safe with you, talking about her sexual story with you can be so helpful. And if she’s getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere, make sure you are getting some godly support for yourself.
Foreplay doesn’t start when you crawl into bed at night: it starts with all the little things you do and say all day. A woman needs to feel desired, thought about, cherished, and cared for. She will sense if you only want her for her body, or if you truly care about her . And caring for her unselfishly is no more than God asks of you. ( Ephesians 5:25 )
Your part: Stretch yourself and find a way to romance your wife. You were creative when you dated her: do it again! You may be surprised at her response.
Remember, you cannot control your wife. A healthy marriage, including healthy sexuality , is a matter for both husband and wife to continually work on. She is completely responsible for her behavior. This is only focusing on what YOU can do.
But you don’t need to remain powerless and frustrated. See yourself as seeking the key to your wife’s heart, and stay on your knees. Know that God understands your heart. He knows what it’s like to feel lonely and rejected. And it’s just possible that He can use you to be the catalyst in bringing healing and stronger connection in your marriage, sexually and otherwise.
Your Turn: How does your wife’s emotional or physical distance affect you? What can you do as a husband to help bring the two of you closer together? Leave a comment below.
You said “I do” expecting lasting love, connection, sex, and joy. But you may now be feeling more loneliness, frustration, or anger. What happened to “happily ever after?”
In one important sense it’s not your fault. Nobody ever taught you how to do marriage, intimacy, sex, and relationships well. Our Fully Alive Marriage online course shows you how to overcome marriage challenges, learn to love well, and build an intimate and Fully Alive marriage that lasts!
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© Copyright 2020 Dr. Carol Ministries

7:19AM Saturday, November 19th, 2022
A NOTE ABOUT RELEVANT ADVERTISING: We collect information about the content (including ads) you use across this site and use it to make both advertising and content more relevant to you on our network and other sites. Find out more about our policy and your choices, including how to opt-out. Sometimes our articles will try to help you find the right product at the right price. We may receive payment from third parties for publishing this content or when you make a purchase through the links on our sites.
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More stories to check out before you go
Not getting as much action as you’d like? Nadia Bokody knows where you wife’s sex drive has gone and what you can do to get it back.
“Why can’t all women be as horny as you?”
If I had a dollar for every time a guy left a comment like that on one of my sex columns, I wouldn’t need to be writing this.
Of course, I could retire equally as early if I earned the same every time a man responded to one of my articles or social posts calling me a “wh*re”.
These paradoxical statements explain everything you need to know about the collective male understanding of female sexuality.
And that is, quite simply, that they just don’t get it.
Now, before you start taking to your keyboards and wielding your digital pitchforks, you should know this: I’m not here to blame men. If anything, I’m here to confirm the fact they’ve been given the short end of the stick.
Sexual education in our country is wildly inadequate. And that’s coming from an ex-schoolteacher with a hell of a lot of respect and empathy for what teachers do.
While I’m sure most of us can recall giggling through the health class as our teacher was forced to say “erection” and “ejaculation” out loud, I’d hazard a guess you don’t have a similar memory of a lesson even hinting at female pleasure.
That’s because, for the girls among your class, sex ed was an exercise in familiarising ourselves with the pain the female body could inflict — from menstruation to pregnancy.
Around the same time, we were also learning not to talk about our sexuality out loud.
While jokes about wanking and wet dreams proliferated public dialogue around sex, any utterance of the word “vagina” or suggestion of a woman enjoying sex was met with embarrassed expressions and hushed words.
None of us should have been surprised, then, when a study emerged earlier this year suggesting over 70 per cent of women are in pain or discomfort during sex.
I’ll give you a second to let that sink in. Seventy per cent.
Further research additionally confirmed most women couldn’t even correctly label their own genital anatomy.
In fact, the majority of women are so detached from, and ashamed of, our sexuality that by the time we’ve hit adulthood, we naturally assume when we stop wanting sex, it’s a sign there’s something pathologically wrong with us. That we need to make a beeline for the nearest doctor’s clinic and start trawling Google for pharmaceutical solutions.
It’s around this time in people’s relationships, I start to get the emails from men. They’re all some variation of the following:
“My wife has lost her libido. How can we get it back?”
This question misses the point entirely: Female sexuality is far more complex than something that can be “lost”, like an unattended shopping basket at a Zara sale.
At the heart of this issue is the flawed idea that women simply aren’t very sexual to begin with. That really, we only have sex to secure monogamy. So naturally, once the paperwork is signed, we’re done.
Be a fly on the wall a few chardonnays into any girls’ night and you’re guaranteed to discover that’s simply not the case. When women are alone and the boundaries are loosened, we readily share sex stories with similar fervour to any group of men.
Vibrators continue to be one of the top-selling online products for women, and lingerie brands aren’t having any trouble getting us to part with our credit cards in exchange for faux leather teddies and lace G-strings.
There is not some strange global phenomenon occurring, whereby these same, sexually healthy women’s libidos are all simultaneously vanishing into thin air a few years into marriage. If it were the case, the percentage of married women having sexual affairs wouldn’t be skyrocketing.
The reason your wife isn’t having sex with you, is a far more uncomfortable truth: she’s bored.
Research shows women — far more than men — crave novelty in relationships.
It’s why we love date nights so much, and devoured the Fifty Shades Of Grey books, despite the terrible writing. Newness, mystery and spontaneity are key factors in the process of female arousal.
Unfortunately, we don’t learn this in school — or anywhere, for that matter. Men are essentially left to scrap together what knowledge they can from the pages of RedTube, where the orgasms are instantaneous and the women never require foreplay.
Pair that with a lifetime of telling women their bodies are sources of pain and shame, and you have a recipe for a sex-starved relationship. Or — at best — sex that’s painfully unsatisfying.
I’m aware you might have gotten to this point in the story feeling rather depressed and hopeless about it all. But take heed, this problem isn’t incurable.
In fact, it’s easily solvable if you’re ready for a perspective shift.
Here it is: “Horny” women like myself aren’t the exception — we’re the norm. Most women simply won’t own up to the fact they crave sex for fear of slut-shaming, which brings me to my second point: Women who actively seek out sex aren’t wh*res. And calling us so is only perpetuating the culture of female sexual oppression stopping you — yes, you, the guy reading this — from getting laid.
Finally, you might be surprised at what a few surprise date nights, trying something new together and asking her what she likes in bed will do for her “lost” libido.
You might even discover that, actually, it was never lost to begin with. You just needed to know where to look.
Nadia Bokody is a freelance writer and Instagram influencer. Continue the conversation on Instagram | @nadiabokody
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A former model claims she was duped into giving up her career and livelihood for a man who demanded to have sex with her multiple times a day.
A man who’s recently started dating a “cute and funny” woman is distracted by one sexual habit she can’t shake.
Nadia Bokody reveals some of the strangest practices women perform in the lead-up to sex.

7:19AM Saturday, November 19th, 2022
A NOTE ABOUT RELEVANT ADVERTISING: We collect information about the content (including ads) you use across this site and use it to make both advertising and content more relevant to you on our network and other sites. Find out more about our policy and your choices, including how to opt-out. Sometimes our articles will try to help you find the right product at the right price. We may receive payment from third parties for publishing this content or when you make a purchase through the links on our sites.
Nationwide News Pty Ltd © 2022. All times AEDT (GMT +11). Powered by WordPress.com VIP
More stories to check out before you go
Not getting as much action as you’d like? Nadia Bokody knows where you wife’s sex drive has gone and what you can do to get it back.
“Why can’t all women be as horny as you?”
If I had a dollar for every time a guy left a comment like that on one of my sex columns, I wouldn’t need to be writing this.
Of course, I could retire equally as early if I earned the same every time a man responded to one of my articles or social posts calling me a “wh*re”.
These paradoxical statements explain everything you need to know about the collective male understanding of female sexuality.
And that is, quite simply, that they just don’t get it.
Now, before you start taking to your keyboards and wielding your digital pitchforks, you should know this: I’m not here to blame men. If anything, I’m here to confirm the fact they’ve been given the short end of the stick.
Sexual education in our country is wildly inadequate. And that’s coming from an ex-schoolteacher with a hell of a lot of respect and empathy for what teachers do.
While I’m sure most of us can recall giggling through the health class as our teacher was forced to say “erection” and “ejaculation” out loud, I’d hazard a guess you don’t have a similar memory of a lesson even hinting at female pleasure.
That’s because, for the girls among your class, sex ed was an exercise in familiarising ourselves with the pain the female body could inflict — from menstruation to pregnancy.
Around the same time, we were also learning not to talk about our sexuality out loud.
While jokes about wanking and wet dreams proliferated public dialogue around sex, any utterance of the word “vagina” or suggestion of a woman enjoying sex was met with embarrassed expressions and hushed words.
None of us should have been surprised, then, when a study emerged earlier this year suggesting over 70 per cent of women are in pain or discomfort during sex.
I’ll give you a second to let that sink in. Seventy per cent.
Further research additionally confirmed most women couldn’t even correctly label their own genital anatomy.
In fact, the majority of women are so detached from, and ashamed of, our sexuality that by the time we’ve hit adulthood, we naturally assume when we stop wanting sex, it’s a sign there’s something pathologically wrong with us. That we need to make a beeline for the nearest doctor’s clinic and start trawling Google for pharmaceutical solutions.
It’s around this time in people’s relationships, I start to get the emails from men. They’re all some variation of the following:
“My wife has lost her libido. How can we get it back?”
This question misses the point entirely: Female sexuality is far more complex than something that can be “lost”, like an unattended shopping basket at a Zara sale.
At the heart of this issue is the flawed idea that women simply aren’t very sexual to begin with. That really, we only have sex to secure monogamy. So naturally, once the paperwork is signed, we’re done.
Be a fly on the wall a few chardonnays into any girls’ night and you’re guaranteed to discover that’s simply not the case. When women are alone and the boundaries are loosened, we readily share sex stories with similar fervour to any group of men.
Vibrators continue to be one of the top-selling online products for women, and lingerie brands aren’t having any trouble getting us to part with our credit cards in exchange for faux leather teddies and lace G-strings.
There is not some strange global phenomenon occurring, whereby these same, sexually healthy women’s libidos are all simultaneously vanishing into thin air a few years into marriage. If it were the case, the percentage of married women having sexual affairs wouldn’t be skyrocketing.
The reason your wife isn’t having sex with you, is a far more uncomfortable truth: she’s bored.
Research shows women — far more than men — crave novelty in relationships.
It’s why we love date nights so much, and devoured the Fifty Shades Of Grey books, despite the terrible writing. Newness, mystery and spontaneity are key factors in the process of female arousal.
Unfortunately, we don’t learn this in school — or anywhere, for that matter. Men are essentially left to scrap together what knowledge they can from the pages of RedTube, where the orgasms are instantaneous and the women never require foreplay.
Pair that with a lifetime of telling women their bodies are sources of pain and shame, and you have a recipe for a sex-starved relationship. Or — at best — sex that’s painfully unsatisfying.
I’m aware you might have gotten to this point in the story feeling rather depressed and hopeless about it all. But take heed, this problem isn’t incurable.
In fact, it’s easily solvable if you’re ready for a perspective shift.
Here it is: “Horny” women like myself aren’t the exception — we’re the norm. Most women simply won’t own up to the fact they crave sex for fear of slut-shaming, which brings me to my second point: Women who actively seek out sex aren’t wh*res. And calling us so is only perpetuating the culture of female sexual oppression stopping you — yes, you, the guy reading this — from getting laid.
Finally, you might be surprised at what a few surprise date nights, trying something new together and asking her what she likes in bed will do for her “lost” libido.
You might even discover that, actually, it was never lost to begin with. You just ne
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