Wife Telling

Wife Telling
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I found messages by my wife telling her friends about our sex life
‘I was shocked to see they were talking through all their husbands’ problems’ (posed by model). Photograph: Alamy
Fri 29 Jan 2016 12.17 GMT Last modified on Sat 25 Nov 2017 05.54 GMT
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
I feel I’m being unfairly judged by others, and I can’t defend or explain myself. I’m pretending I don’t know about it, but I need advice
I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. We have been married for more than 10 years and have one child. I have a medical condition that meant I had to quit my job. Now I am the one who takes care of all the house chores, and of our son. She goes to the office from morning till night, Monday to Friday. I happened to see her mobile phone when she received a message from her friends: they have this chat group that they made. I read most of them and was shocked to see that they were talking through all their husbands’ problems and their sex lives. I find myself being unfairly judged by others, and I can’t defend or explain myself. I don’t tell anyone negative things about my wife, even close friends. Right now, I’m just pretending that I don’t know anything about it, but I need some advice.
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If you would like fellow readers to respond to a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of about 150 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns.
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Home » Relationships » Diary of a Divorced City Girl » What exactly is your wife telling her friends about your sex-life!?
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Women have been known to be the worst kind of blabbermouths – they tell each other everything and anything. “But to the point of discussing intimate bedroom secrets of their partners?” gawked Desmond when I reminded him of this fact. Married for 16 years, he’d a bit of a misunderstanding with his wife. Again! Was he doing something wrong? Did Labo, his wife’s best friend have an insight into what his wife believe he should be doing? Taking courage in his hands, he recently had a word with Labo. As their little `talk’ progressed, he squirmed as Labo processed to confide in him some of the things that were bugging her friend.
“Now we’re being honest about problems in your marriage”, Labo whispered conspiratorially so her husband wouldn’t hear, “Dedun (Desmond’s wife) always gets apprehensive when you have sex. She says you go on and on to the point of making the whole thing look tedious. “I was shocked and annoyed”, Desmond said. “Most of the time when we made love, I sort of held back so she could reach a climax. Not knowing I was irritating her. Why couldn’t she tell me? What other intimate secrets has she shared with this so-called best friend of hers? I know Dedun is an incurable gossip, and I’ve had ear full of some of the shenanigans her friends and their husbands were up to. But to actually table my sexual prowess in front of her friend? I was really furious and took it up with her as soon as I got home.
“She actually laughed when I broached the subject. She said I was being silly that all women talk about sex, with their friends. Up to the intimate details of their sex lives? What was there not to talk about?, she asked. What I would really want to find out is if it’s true that women are shameless gossips. If they are as my wife alleged, how do I get her to stop?” Poor, poor Desmond! He’d just admitted his wife was a gossip who blabbed about everyone’s business, she’d even entertained him with some of her friends’ escapades. So, why was he so surprised she’s blabbing about his secrets as well?
Smutty tit-bits always oil the gossip machinery. Just as a person who bitches about others will bitch about you to others, someone who spills others’ secrets will invariably reveal yours. Would Desmond hit the roof if he found out that his wife had talked about the rest of their life together, without the sex? Or is it just sex that’s off limits? The fact is, not all women discuss their sex lives with their friends but a lot do – and usually in a lot more details than men. All men often do is boast about conquests, how often or where and how they did it, but it’s women who go into the nitty gritty detail, giving a blow-by-blow description of the session. It’s not just gossip, but to seek reassurance that what they’re getting up to is “normal”, or to ask advice or how to fix any problems.
I told Desmond that if he thought his wife was boasting about whet a super stud he was, he wouldn’t be so outraged, or was Dedun talking about other problems she was having in her marriage or other sexual issues that could be really sensitive? A man would naturally be upset if that’s the case. Gossiping is fun but spilling sexual secrets is disloyal, leaving partners embarrassed and exposed.
Dialogue is the best weapon here. While Desmond can’t stop his wife talking behind his back, he should let her know he finds the idea disrespectful and hurtful. Knowing everything he does will be reported back to her ‘gang’ might stop him from wanting to have sex with her at all and this could be detrimental to their marriage if it continues. Some gossip is harmless but a lot of it isn’t, it hurts people.
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I enjoy when wife tells me about her boyfriend

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I am married for over 10 years and have kids.
My wife is sexy and lately she went on a dating sites and found a boyfriend. Now she sees him once in a while for sex, though she maintains it's only for sex, and she loves me.

I get highly aroused when she confessed to this and we ended up having good intimate sex.
Am I wrong to continue allowing this? Thing is if I say no, maybe she can still do it behind my back anyway and pretend all is well.
It is not my place to judge and tell you whether your choice is right or wrong in this situation.
Many couples today are exploring what are known as non-monogamous sexual relationships and life-styles. Such as open marriages, polygamy, ethical slut-hood etc.
What is important is that you and your wife discuss this openly and honestly and clearly negotiate what would work best for the two of you and set up an agreement which includes the rules that you both come up with in setting up such a relationship. It is important that you both fully consent to whatever agreement you set up and that one is not being pressurised into it.

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