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Savage Love
Mar 27, 2019 at 12:55 pm
Her Husband's "Ultimate" Fantasy Is a Big Ask
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When you say "monogamy on your side," OWED, what do you mean? — Dan
I mean I expected/promised monogamy on both of our sides. I do not want/did not sign up for either of us sleeping with other people! I do not want to see or have him with other people, but he does on my side.— OWED
So… you don’t want him to have sex with other people. You expect monogamy from him. That’s one half the equation here.
But to be clear: he’s not asking you if he can have sex with other people. He’s asking you to have sex with other men. He’s not asking you to release him from the monogamous commitment he made to you. He’s releasing you—in a certain context—from the monogamous commitment you made to him. You say, “I do not want to see him or have him with other people.” But the issue here isn’t about monogamy generally or the commitment you got and still want from him—a monogamous commitment—it’s about the commitment he got and apparently no longer wants (if he ever wanted) from. So setting aside the commitment you got and still want...
Do you want to have sex with other men?
Usually when I get email from women whose husbands or boyfriends want them to have sex with other men they’ll say, “I really don’t want to have sex with other men," and/or, “I’m worried that once I’ve done this he’s going to want to have sex with other women and I’m not okay with that.”
Maybe it’s an oversight—maybe you meant to say “I don’t want to have sex with other men.” Maybe that’s how you feel. But I’m wrote you back because that is, again, something most women in your shoes usually state without a prompt or a follow-up Q. and i think the answer factors in to your decision/dilemma. So... — Dan
I'm writing this badly, but I’m not sure how to entirely express it. My badly phrased question is kind of, if this is his main desire, and I don’t really on my own want to have sex with other men, because I am very personally satisfied sexually by him only, how much do I “owe” (very bad word but I’m trying to explain) it to him to explore this thing he very much wants to do that I don’t independently want to do but don’t actively object to? — OWED
If this thing turns you on too… well, that’s a stroke of luck. Just be clear about what you are and aren’t agreeing to. And you would have to be in control of who the other man is, how fast you move, etc. But this would have to be something you wanted and were comfortable with if you decided to move from fantasizing about it to actualizing it. And you've already taken a baby step or two in that direction. The reality may differ from his fantasy—which is why you need to move slowly, if, again, you decide to move on this at all. And the needs and wants of the other man, if and when you find one, have to be factored in as well. Thirds aren't props, they're people.
But to be absolutely, positively clear: you don’t “owe” him this. If you think you might want to, well, then you should think about it, talk about it, and maybe one day—if it feels right, if you meet the right very special guest star, if you can honestly say you're doing this because you want to and not just because he wanted you to—then do it. Maybe. If you want to.
That this was his fantasy may be the only reason you began to think about it, OWED, but it doesn't follow that his fantasy is the only reason you wound up doing it. Sometimes our partners' fantasies become our own. (And going there—meeting a partner's sexual needs—can make the person doing the needs-meeting feel "more satisfied and committed to their relationship," according to science .)
But your comfort and safety must be centered, as the kids say. This is a big ask on his part and your physical, emotional, and sexual safety are a make-or-break part of the conversation. If he's making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe... that's a bad sign. — Dan
He has expressed many different scenarios and in them I’m always in control of my own body and comfort. Thank you for the advice. I think part of it is I’m not necessarily actively desiring it, but not actively opposing it either, and how far do you push your own comfort level for your very fulfilling and respectful partner. I’d be happy either way. I will try to think of the right situation for me, or decide it’s not for me at all. — OWED
He also needs to think things over—some men enjoy the fantasy of cuckolding but can’t handle the reality of it. In some cases the man will get angry at his female partner for “going through with it” after he’d begged her to do it. You can’t predict how someone will react in the moment, which is why you want to take baby steps—like the ones you described (flirting with other men in front of him, etc.). Test the waters before jumping into the deep end of the pool. If you jump in at all—which, again, has to be your call. — Dan
Thank you. These are exactly the kinds of trial things he has asked me to consider, so this makes me feel reassured he has been thinking it through mentally and not just physically. We have talked about it both in and out of the bedroom, so that I know is good too. I know "owe" wasn’t the right word. Just how far to push myself within a caring and respectful relationship where my partner’s desires are beyond my own, but nothing I find inherently offensive, and what to think about in deciding how to navigate that, so this exchange has been helpful. — OWED
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Savage Love
Jun 13, 2019 at 4:20 pm
She's Been Blowing Her Husband for 25 Years But Something's Suddenly Off...
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I really like giving him head because it's really his favorite and I can get creative and make him practically scream. But this taste thing means he only gets it maybe once a month because it's truly a labor of love. We have tried putting flavoring on (chocolate, etc), and that helps somewhat, but it's not always practical to have that stuff on hand. Is there something he can eat/take that will improve the flavor? Or any tips/tricks for not gagging? It really is the flavor and not how deep in my mouth—I used to go deeper than I do now, exactly for this reason.
Men tend to produce less ejaculate as they age, ANB, and ejaculate isn't produced in the balls. Sperm cells, which are produced in the balls, only account for a tiny percentage of a man's total ejaculate—and sperm isn't a sweetener, ANB, so removing sperm from the mix (by getting a vasectomy) won't impact taste much.
So what's in his jizz then? Take it away, Encyclopedia Britannica ...
In the sexually mature human male, sperm cells are produced by the testes (singular, testis); they constitute only about 2 to 5 percent of the total semen volume. As sperm travel through the male reproductive tract, they are bathed in fluids produced and secreted by the various tubules and glands of the reproductive system. After emerging from the testes, sperm are stored in the epididymis, in which secretions of potassium, sodium, and glycerylphosphorylcholine (an energy source for sperm) are contributed to the sperm cells. Sperm mature in the epididymis. They then pass through a long tube, called the ductus deferens, or vas deferens, to another storage area, the ampulla. The ampulla secretes a yellowish fluid, ergothioneine, a substance that reduces (removes oxygen from) chemical compounds, and the ampulla also secretes fructose, a sugar that nourishes the sperm. During the process of ejaculation, liquids from the prostate gland and seminal vesicles are added, which help dilute the concentration of sperm and provide a suitable environment for them. Fluids contributed by the seminal vesicles are approximately 60 percent of the total semen volume; these fluids contain fructose, amino acids, citric acid, phosphorus, potassium, and hormones known as prostaglandins. The prostate gland contributes about 30 percent of the seminal fluid; the constituents of its secretions are mainly citric acid, acid phosphatase, calcium, sodium, zinc, potassium, protein-splitting enzymes, and fibrolysin (an enzyme that reduces blood and tissue fibres). A small amount of fluid is secreted by the bulbourethral and urethral glands; this is a thick, clear, lubricating protein commonly known as mucus.
Anyway, ANB, the older a man gets, the less of all of that—the less fructose (a sweetener!), amino acids, citric acid, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, glycerylphosphorylcholine, and that "thick, clear, lubricating protein commonly known as mucus," etc.—he produces. Consequently, your husband's ejaculate is more concentrated these days than it was when you first started blowing him 25 years ago, ANB, something that could impact taste and " mouthfeel ," as they say in junk food R&D.
So what can you do? Well, you don't have to keep swallowing. As I've said long said ....
Swallowing is extra credit. It's not a course requirement. I say this as someone who gives and receives blowjobs: If someone sucks your dick until you come, you got your damn blowjob. What a blower does with the blowee's come after the blowjob is over—spit, swallow, spread it on toast—is the blower's call to make.
If given a choice between fewer blowjobs with swallowing or more blowjobs without swallowing, ANB, I imagine your husband would opt for the latter. (Protip: blow him until he's just about to come—when he's just past the point of orgasmic inevitability—then pull out as he starts to come and keep a spitty/wet hand working his shaft and head until he's drained.)
And while it's a myth that eating pineapple or chugging two cans of sweetened condensed milk can improve the flavor of a man's ejaculate, it's a fact that our bodily fluids are impacted by our diets. If your husband has a shitty diet—if he doesn't do fresh fruit or drink much water, if all he eats is junk food and all he drinks is booze and/or coffee—the effect on his ejaculate would become more pronounced over time. Getting him to eat better and drink water—not sweetened condensed milk—won't turn his come into vanilla pudding, ANB, but it could make it easier to swallow.
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org !
Tickets to HUMP 2019 are on sale now! Get them here!
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