Wife Shared With Friend From Work

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It all began as an occasional after-hours and work-related text from one of her husband’s female co-workers. Soon, the texts began to come more frequently, often late at night. Then she found several naked pictures that the female co-worker had sent to him.


03/17/2017 11:47 am ET



Updated
Mar 15, 2019



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Recently, I was chatting with a woman who had contacted me after what she felt was a disastrous marriage counseling session with another practitioner. She described a scenario I’ve seen play out many times.
It all began as an occasional after-hours and work-related text from one of her husband’s female co-workers. Soon, the texts began to come more frequently, often late at night. They would be sitting on the couch watching TV or lying in bed when her husband would drop out of a conversation with her to text his female co-worker back.
When his wife said this bothered her — did she need to be texting him at 11 o’clock at night? What was so important? — her husband became defensive. He said they were “just friends” and told his wife to relax.
But it bothered her. She told her husband that this female co-worker didn’t seem to respect the boundaries of a married man’s life. She texted him at all hours and confided in him about her love life. She cried on his shoulder when a boyfriend mistreated her. She called him to help her move, fix her computer and so on.
They spent every lunch hour together and then talked or texted multiple times during the evening. This wife was particularly worried because her husband would now leave the room to text this co-worker back. He had also started deleting his text messages ever since his wife had found a text from the co-worker that ended in “xoxo.”
Growing evermore defensive of this friendship, the husband blamed his wife for his secrecy. He said he was sick of her suspicions, so that’s why he texted in secret and deleted the text history. He accused his wife of being insecure, jealous and even called her “pathetic” during a particularly heated argument. He told her that she needed to “get out more” so she wasn’t so obsessed by everything he did.
When she told him that she felt “second place” to this other friend, he said she was “crazy.” He then went on to defend his female co-worker, talking about how she “needed him” because she was going through a hard time. He talked about what a good person she was.
His wife took a deep breath. She swallowed the sense of panic, betrayal and hurt rising in her throat, and asked her husband if he would at least stop communicating so much with her after work, and pull back from serving as her personal confidante.
But he said that “wouldn’t be fair” to his friend, since she wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was his wife who was overreacting. And moreover, he was really starting to resent how controlling she was getting.
So they took the fight to a counselor’s office. When they sat down, the wife spilled it all. She cried, talked about how hurt she was, how betrayed she felt, how fearful she was for the future of her marriage and family unit (they had two small children).
This husband continued to prioritize his friendship over his wife until the wife one day gave in to her insecurities and looked at his phone while he was in the shower. There, she found several naked pictures that the female co-worker had sent to him.
Then it was the husband’s turn. He said — loudly, defiantly — that they were “just friends” and there was no need to end the friendship. It wasn’t fair. She was a co-worker and they had to stay friendly.
And so the counselor took the path of least resistance. She said the wife was allowing her insecurities to drive a wedge between her and her husband. The counselor said she needed to “respect” her husband’s right to have outside friendships, and even suggested that the wife get to know this female co-worker on a social basis.
At this, the husband spoke up. “No,” he said. “I need my own friendships outside of marriage.”
“That’s also healthy,” said the counselor.
You can probably predict the rest of the story. Armed with the back-up of the counselor’s advice, this husband continued to prioritize his friendship over his wife until the wife one day gave in to her insecurities and looked at his phone while he was in the shower. There, she found several naked pictures that the female co-worker had sent to him.
She confronted her husband. He said, “I can’t help what she sends me.”
And that’s when she called me. The first question out of her mouth was, “Is it fair of me to ask my husband to totally end this friendship?”
“Let me get this straight,” I replied. “Your spouse deletes his texts to and from another woman. She sends him xoxo’s and naked pictures and this issue has landed you in counseling. And you’re wondering whether it’s reasonable to expect him to end this friendship?”
“Well,” she said, “when you put it like that...”
But unfortunately, many people lose their clarity and common sense when it comes to situations like this. We live in a society where any sign of insecurity in a spouse — even reasonable insecurity — is seen as pathetic. Any requests made by a spouse — even reasonable requests — are seen as controlling.
Now, for the record, this goes both ways. I hear from just as many men who are concerned about a friendship their wife is having with a male co-worker. Wives can behave in the exact same way and husbands can be just as hurt and betrayed by it. When it comes to this issue, it really is 50/50.
While we all have opposite-sex friendships at work (and elsewhere), not all of these friendships are created equal. Not all are entirely platonic. Some are sustained by a certain erotic tension that provides both an ego-boost and a bit of excitement in an otherwise ho-hum workday.
So is it okay to ask your spouse to end a friendship with an opposite-sex co-worker? If you truly feel it’s an issue that is undermining your marriage, then yes. But be prepared for resistance. A person who is having an overly intimate opposite-sex friendship - the kind that leads to infidelity — can display a profound and often belligerent level of denial, defensiveness, deflection and divided loyalties.
If they can, they’ll try to spin it so that no matter what they’ve done, you’re the problem. That’s precisely why I created my audio course Overcoming Infidelity // For Betrayed Spouses.
Married couples need to know that the vast majority of emotional and sexual affairs I see in my practice begin as opposite-sex friendships. And a majority of those involved co-workers. After all, many affairs are fueled and facilitated by sheer opportunity. It’s a common, predictable path to infidelity and divorce. So if you truly prioritize your marriage and family unit, you’ll do what it takes to avoid going down that path...and if you’re already on it, you’ll change direction.



09/26/2012 03:58 pm ET



Updated
Nov 08, 2017




Signs You’ve Crossed The Line With Your Work Spouse

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“Office spouse” relationships often start out innocently: Coworkers grab lunch, share inside jokes, commiserate.
Sometimes, though, they go too far.
Susan Healy, a clinical therapist in Pound Ridge, N.Y., has counseled many husbands and wives who’ve seen their relationships rocked by inappropriate work friendships.
In one case, a husband and wife started a popular events business, in which he handled the day-to-day work and she took care of the finances. He spent long hours with one colleague, a manager, planning and running the events. They’d often stay late after everyone went home to talk about the evening. The talks turned personal, with the husband sharing that he had fallen out of love with his wife.
By the time the couple separated and sought counseling, the emotional affair had progressed to the point where the husband could see himself having children with the manager — and the wife no longer felt comfortable walking into her own business. Still, the husband couldn’t bring himself to fire the manager.
“She fulfilled his need to take care of someone, and he knew firing her would put her in a bad situation,” said Healy. “The wife felt indignant, that it was her business and her husband, and this woman was replacing her in both areas.”
Having a best friend at the office to confide in can be a positive — sometimes even necessary — element of work, said Jacqueline Olds, a psychoanalyst and associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. “Work is often so stressful, we need somebody to process things with.”
The problem, Olds said, is when that close friendship is with someone of the sex you’re attracted to. “Two good friends who don’t think they would be attracted can accidentally fall into infatuation. It happens quite often at work. People underestimate the power of infatuation and think they can handle temptation much better than they can.”
Work spouse relationships subtly evolve into emotional affairs by meeting basic human needs. “It starts out with affection, which basically means you care about the person and want to see him or her succeed and you’ll be there when they need you,” said Willard F. Harley Jr., clinical psychologist, president of Marriage Builders and author of “ His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage .” “Next is conversation, when that conversation turns personal. Admiration is another emotional need, where you tell the person they’re great at what they do. Once someone does enough of this for you, you start looking forward to being with him the next day, can’t stop thinking of him — one thing leads to another, and next thing you know you’re having sex.”
Knowing better isn’t always a deterrent. Harley said he’s counseling a bank president who has had a work affair even though he has a long history of firing people for having affairs.
“If you work with someone daily, watching each other’s backs, helping each other with the problems of life, I wouldn’t say a romantic relationship is inevitable, but it sure is highly probable,” Harley said. “Many people never expect it to happen, and it ruins their lives.”
Recent studies show workplace coupling is becoming increasingly common. It’s good news for single workers looking for love and increasingly stuck at work — but more treacherous for those in committed relationships.
A study last year by career information site Vault.com found that 28 percent of those surveyed said they had an office “husband” or “wife,” while a survey of 640 white-collar workers from digital programming and advertising firm Captivate Network found that 65 percent of the employees have or have had a “work spouse.”
The Captivate study also found that the lines between personal and professional can get a little blurry, with 24 percent of those surveyed saying they continue communication on weekends and weeknights. About a third of respondents said their work spouse’s appearance is important to them. Fifty-nine percent confided in their work spouse about problems at home, and more than a third discussed their sex life with their work spouse.
One participant in the Vault study wrote, “My wife even calls her [my coworker] my second wife. I talk to my coworker more during the day than I do my wife in the evening ... I even caught myself saying ‘Love you’ to her ending a call ... a couple times ... once in front of my wife, but thank God we all found it funny.”
Not all transgressions are considered funny, as seen by the personal and professional fallout in publicized workplace affairs involving Best Buy CEO Brian Dunn and even “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders and actress Kristen Stewart .
Dangerous liaisons happen out of the spotlight, too. Ruth Houston, founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and author of “Is He Cheating On You?” described a woman who first became suspicious about her husband’s work spouse when she was in a bathroom stall during his office party. Houston said the woman overheard co-workers saying, “That’s his wife? I didn’t even know he was married. I thought he was dating so-and-so.”
“Having an affair does terrible damage to the person you promised to care for. In our surveys, a spouse having an affair is listed as more painful than losing a young child, losing your arm, having your house burned down and physical abuse,” Harley said. “And from a career standpoint, an affair can be devastating. I know quite a few people who have lost everything.”
Healy, whose work has been highlighted in the “Ladies’ Home Journal” series “Can This Marriage Be Saved?,” said the husband and wife entrepreneurs she counseled did end up getting back together and salvaging their business — without the manager. But there were warning signs before the situation got to the breaking point, she said. The wife started sensing the connection between her husband and the manager when she’d come into the office and was hearing from friends that they had seen the pair together around town.
You’ve crossed the line, Houston said, if you’re hiding any aspect of your relationship from your spouse, meeting after work for social rather than work situations, start moving your conversations from business to personal topics, and specifically, if you start complaining about your real spouse. “That’s telling the person there’s an open door. If this relationship supersedes your relationship with your spouse, where you’re spending more time or sharing more information with this person, that’s a danger sign,” she said. “And if you’re reluctant to share anything you do or say with your spouse, even if it seems innocent, you have to ask yourself why.”
To get right, you have to “back pedal,” Houston said. “Stop having lunch. Keep your office door open. If you’re on business trips, meet in the conference rooms or lobby, not in hotel rooms. If you sense anything is going on, nip it in the bud.”
And if you still proclaim innocence, Houston said you can test yourself with one specific question: ‘If you were single, is this the type of person you would want to be with?’ If the answer is yes, that’s a red flag.”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/work-husband-become-an-affair_b_610874fde4b0497e67026d85
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/work-spouse_n_1901577
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Wife Shared With Friend From Work