Wife Sexual

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Wife Sexual
2:45PM Thursday, September 8th, 2022
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They’d been happily married for years when she confessed something that left their relationship in tatters and him devastated.
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man whose wife has come out as asexual, a woman whose partner is married to his job and a husband complaining his wife has “let herself go”.
QUESTION: My wife has told me that she is asexual (I think that is the right word) and wants nothing to do with me and has since left me after 38 years of marriage – 18 months later I am still hoping or am I wasting my time and should just get a divorce and get it over and done with? We are still friends but there is no affection from her at all – we have sold our house and both now renting in the same town and do see each other often, usually about once a week or so. Is there hope?
ANSWER: I occasionally hear women say they think they’re asexual, as they’ve lost their desire for sex, but only in rare cases do I find this to be true.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone experiences little to no sexual desire. There are different kinds of asexuality – it’s often more helpful to think of it as a scale, rather than a defined category.
Asexuality is different to having had desire at some point and then losing it during a relationship, which is what we see more commonly. Asexuality is also different from aromanticism. Someone who is aromantic has little or no romantic attraction to others.
Both asexuality and aromanticism – like other forms of sexuality express differently in different people.
None of this necessarily changes a person’s desire for a relationship – although it can.
It is possible to want to be in a relationship if you’re asexual (or even aromantic) – and with a lot of understanding and compromise, you can find ways to make a relationship work with someone who is neither of these.
All of that being said, whether you wife is asexual, aromantic or neither seems to be beside the point here.
Your wife is showing no signs that she wants to try to work this out and find a way that you can stay together.
There have been plenty of chances for you two to reconcile, but that doesn’t seem to be on the agenda. You’ve now taken significant steps in separation over a prolonged period of time.
“Once a week or so” isn’t very often to see someone that you might be hoping to rekindle a relationship with. I think you need to get really honest with yourself about the kind of relationship you really want.
It’s normal to hope that a relationship can be reconciled, but I think it’s time for you to let go and move on. If you can do that and still remain friends, kudos to you. If not, a transition period might be required.
QUESTION: My husband started his own business around the same time I fell pregnant with our first child. That baby is now six months old and I’m at my wit’s end. I feel like a single parent because he is working so much but I am also proud of him and know him quitting is not an option. How do I reconcile my need for help with his need for my support?
ANSWER: I don’t know what the right balance is here, but I do know that it’s one you need to try to find together. It isn’t just up to you to reconcile your own need for support and how you give to him at the same time – it’s up to both of you to juggle your individual needs and those of the relationship and your family.
Talk about what you need from each other. Share what you want from each other in terms of support, what you think you can offer each other and what you definitely can’t. See where these overlap and where you might need to find compromise. This won’t be just one conversation, but something you’ll be continuously sharing on.
It might also be helpful to look for ways to bring in extra support to the relationship such as paid help or child care.
QUESTION: My wife has stopped putting any effort into her appearance since we had our second child a year ago. How can I gently nudge her in the right direction? I don’t expect a full face of makeup but I would like her to shave her legs.
ANSWER: When you say “right direction” it sounds like you actually mean “towards what you want her to do”.
I’ve made this point before, but I’ll make it again: Women face far more scrutiny, comment and demand around their appearance than men do.
It’s a symptom of a patriarchal culture that feels it has a right to control women’s bodies.
There might be many reasons your wife “stopped putting any effort in”, as you call it – like because she’s exhausted, feels like she needs to take care of everyone else before herself or doesn’t have the energy to try to please others anymore.
She might also be struggling with her changed body and identity and feels uncomfortable grooming or dressing the way she used to. Have you had a conversation with her about how she feels about herself and her body right now?
More importantly, have you had conversations about how she’s coping or what support she needs? Have you been looking for ways that you can maintain your relationship and emotional intimacy during this challenging time?
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram
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A woman is sharing her tips on how to embark on one controversial occupation – for those willing to take the risks.
A jilted woman is going viral after revealing how she figured out that her boyfriend was cheating: when he unexpectedly got better in bed.
Nadia Bokody has revealed the “anxiety-inducing” five-word phrase that could be “ruining” your sex life.

2:45PM Thursday, September 8th, 2022
A NOTE ABOUT RELEVANT ADVERTISING: We collect information about the content (including ads) you use across this site and use it to make both advertising and content more relevant to you on our network and other sites. Find out more about our policy and your choices, including how to opt-out. Sometimes our articles will try to help you find the right product at the right price. We may receive revenue from affiliate and advertising partnerships for publishing this content or when you make a purchase.
Nationwide News Pty Ltd © 2022. All times AEST (GMT +10). Powered by WordPress.com VIP
More stories to check out before you go
They’d been happily married for years when she confessed something that left their relationship in tatters and him devastated.
Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man whose wife has come out as asexual, a woman whose partner is married to his job and a husband complaining his wife has “let herself go”.
QUESTION: My wife has told me that she is asexual (I think that is the right word) and wants nothing to do with me and has since left me after 38 years of marriage – 18 months later I am still hoping or am I wasting my time and should just get a divorce and get it over and done with? We are still friends but there is no affection from her at all – we have sold our house and both now renting in the same town and do see each other often, usually about once a week or so. Is there hope?
ANSWER: I occasionally hear women say they think they’re asexual, as they’ve lost their desire for sex, but only in rare cases do I find this to be true.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation where someone experiences little to no sexual desire. There are different kinds of asexuality – it’s often more helpful to think of it as a scale, rather than a defined category.
Asexuality is different to having had desire at some point and then losing it during a relationship, which is what we see more commonly. Asexuality is also different from aromanticism. Someone who is aromantic has little or no romantic attraction to others.
Both asexuality and aromanticism – like other forms of sexuality express differently in different people.
None of this necessarily changes a person’s desire for a relationship – although it can.
It is possible to want to be in a relationship if you’re asexual (or even aromantic) – and with a lot of understanding and compromise, you can find ways to make a relationship work with someone who is neither of these.
All of that being said, whether you wife is asexual, aromantic or neither seems to be beside the point here.
Your wife is showing no signs that she wants to try to work this out and find a way that you can stay together.
There have been plenty of chances for you two to reconcile, but that doesn’t seem to be on the agenda. You’ve now taken significant steps in separation over a prolonged period of time.
“Once a week or so” isn’t very often to see someone that you might be hoping to rekindle a relationship with. I think you need to get really honest with yourself about the kind of relationship you really want.
It’s normal to hope that a relationship can be reconciled, but I think it’s time for you to let go and move on. If you can do that and still remain friends, kudos to you. If not, a transition period might be required.
QUESTION: My husband started his own business around the same time I fell pregnant with our first child. That baby is now six months old and I’m at my wit’s end. I feel like a single parent because he is working so much but I am also proud of him and know him quitting is not an option. How do I reconcile my need for help with his need for my support?
ANSWER: I don’t know what the right balance is here, but I do know that it’s one you need to try to find together. It isn’t just up to you to reconcile your own need for support and how you give to him at the same time – it’s up to both of you to juggle your individual needs and those of the relationship and your family.
Talk about what you need from each other. Share what you want from each other in terms of support, what you think you can offer each other and what you definitely can’t. See where these overlap and where you might need to find compromise. This won’t be just one conversation, but something you’ll be continuously sharing on.
It might also be helpful to look for ways to bring in extra support to the relationship such as paid help or child care.
QUESTION: My wife has stopped putting any effort into her appearance since we had our second child a year ago. How can I gently nudge her in the right direction? I don’t expect a full face of makeup but I would like her to shave her legs.
ANSWER: When you say “right direction” it sounds like you actually mean “towards what you want her to do”.
I’ve made this point before, but I’ll make it again: Women face far more scrutiny, comment and demand around their appearance than men do.
It’s a symptom of a patriarchal culture that feels it has a right to control women’s bodies.
There might be many reasons your wife “stopped putting any effort in”, as you call it – like because she’s exhausted, feels like she needs to take care of everyone else before herself or doesn’t have the energy to try to please others anymore.
She might also be struggling with her changed body and identity and feels uncomfortable grooming or dressing the way she used to. Have you had a conversation with her about how she feels about herself and her body right now?
More importantly, have you had conversations about how she’s coping or what support she needs? Have you been looking for ways that you can maintain your relationship and emotional intimacy during this challenging time?
Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram
To join the conversation, please
log in. Don't have an account?
Register
Join the conversation, you are commenting as Logout
A woman is sharing her tips on how to embark on one controversial occupation – for those willing to take the risks.
A jilted woman is going viral after revealing how she figured out that her boyfriend was cheating: when he unexpectedly got better in bed.
Nadia Bokody has revealed the “anxiety-inducing” five-word phrase that could be “ruining” your sex life.

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My husband and I have a fairly traditional marriage. I stay home with the kids and he goes out into the world and “slays dragons.” (Well, he works for the local gas and water company, but “slays dragons” sounds more edgy, doesn’t it?) We are your typical chaotic family.
On any given day, I’m breaking up sibling squabbles, staring into my pantry to see if the “dinner fairy” has again overlooked me, and trying to tame the calendar. Oh, I also clean up the dog poop. Besides his regular job, my husband juggles his fair share of home responsibilities, too — cars, lawns, broken stuff, clogged pipes and precarious “about to fall” tree limbs. In addition to all this, we care for two elderly family members.
My husband and I are Christians and therefore I believe that it is my calling to be a “submissive” wife. So, what does submission look like for me? I am submissive in that while my husband and I openly discuss all major decisions that impact our family, I ultimately yield to his decisions. We agree on some things; we disagree on others. That’s marriage, but when it comes down to deciding time, I defer to him.
Certainly submission does not mean going against what I believe is right or moral. For example, if a husband tells his wife she should “steal,” then she would be completely justified in not submitting to him. And submission absolutely does not mean a woman should overlook abuse (either of herself or her children).
But I do seek my husband’s advice and opinion and defer to him on many decisions. I believe that he is the head of the house and I respect his leadership role. This isn’t hard for me. I am fortunate to have a husband who “loves his wife as Christ loved the church,” which is part of a verse from the Bible (Ephesians 5:21-32) that instructs husbands to care for their wives.
So, despite what many people think, submission for me is not so hard. The life of a submissive wife is a daily reality for many Christian couples. And I wouldn’t exchange roles for anything. In fact, our traditional roles and Christian values have led to a great sex life.
So what does this have to do with sex?
Let me clarify that when I say “submission” in regards to sexual intimacy, I am not talking about a wife automatically doing whatever her husband wants sexually, especially if what he wants flies in the face of what the Bible commands. For example, if your husband wants to have a threesome or wants you to view pornography, this would be adulterous, which certainly is outside the bounds of God’s design for sex.
If, on the other hand, your husband simply wants to try a new position or add some variety, I urge you to not instantly say “no” without some legitimate discussion and prayer.
The Christian model for a marriage encourages women to be modest, but that doesn’t inhibit us from sexual expression with our husbands. In fact, in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, God says that husbands and wives should not withhold their bodies from each other. Sexual intimacy is a mutually-shared endeavor, where both the husband and wife bear responsibility. And let’s not forget, orgasms were designed by God. And orgasms feel really, really good.
Odds are that because the clitoris is a bit less predictable than the penis, your husband is going to need your help in understanding what it is going to take to make you climax. This is where sexual confidence can strengthen your marriage. You both need to learn with each other and from each other what arousal looks like for each of you.
Because I submit to my husband, I feel confident in his care and love and this gives me sexual confidence as well. We have a mutual sense of safety and trust that can’t help but lead to great sex. I believe God gives good gifts to married couples to be savored and enjoyed, not ignored and treated carelessly. My husband and I do enjoy a tremendously satisfying sex life, because we have grown in our sexual confidence and because we are secure in our roles for our marriage.
Another way that submissiveness outside of bed lends itself well in bed is that my husband and I have grown in our vulnerability. Without a doubt, because I am a submissive wife and my husband “loves me as Christ loved the church,” we have really learned to listen to each other with respect. This equips us to be able to say what we like sexually and to really listen to one another.
We have a foundation that allows us to be able to say when we make love, “I like it when you (fill in the blank with random exciting sexual details).” It’s so reassuring to have that kind of vulnerability that leads to great sex!
All too often, people think that a good Christian wife isn’t sexually confident; however, following the traditional plan for marriage that God has outlined in the Bible has given me an immense confidence not only in bed, but in my husband’s love and care for me.
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