Wife Punishes

Wife Punishes
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When your spouse does something that hurts you or that you don’t like, is it okay to punish your spouse? Although many people might initially say that they wouldn’t ever punish their spouse, if they looked more closely at some of their behaviors, they may discover that they have in fact, attempted to punish their spouse at one time or another.
There’s lots of different ways people attempt to teach their spouse “a lesson.” It’s important to examine the motives behind your behaviors and to look at how your behaviors are impacting the marriage. Punishing your spouse is likely going to do more damage to the relationship rather than motivate your spouse to change.
If you punish your spouse, it breaks down the idea that the two of you are partners working together. Punishment means that one person tries to gain the power and control over the other. Instead of an equal partnership, punishment creates more of a parent-child dynamic where one spouse is teaching the other how to behave. No one wants to be married to someone that acts like his mother. And it isn’t healthy to be married to someone that you think behaves like a child either.
When people are punished by another adult, they sometimes grow angry and resentful. Your spouse may feel manipulated by you. It can cause the partner who feels punished to begin acting more like a rebellious child. It is important that the two of you can talk openly about your feelings and work through problems together without developing power and control issues.
There’s lots of different ways people punish their spouse. Withholding physical affection, such as sex or even hugs and kisses, can be a form of punishment. Another way people punish their spouse is emotionally. Giving the silent treatment can be a punishment. Some people avoid their spouse by sleeping on the couch or leaving the house whenever their spouse is home.
Sometimes just not doing what your spouse asks of you can be a form of punishment. For example, “You didn’t do what I wanted, so now I won’t do what you want.” Refusing to do things out of spite to make your partner feel bad on purpose is a form of punishment.
There are more passive-aggressive approaches to punishment as well. For example, a wife who purposely makes her husband late because she is angry that they are going to his mother’s house for dinner. To punish him, she secretly tries to sabotage his efforts out of anger. Another form of this may be pretending to forget things that are important to your spouse, such as a husband who says “oops I forgot to pick up your dry cleaning today” because he is angry at his wife for working long hours.
Punishment Versus Natural Consequences
There is a difference between punishing your spouse and allowing for natural consequences. For example, Janie disliked her husband’s drinking. She told him that whenever he came home drunk, it was not enjoyable to spend time with him. She warned him that in order to meet her own needs and take care of herself, she would not spend time with him when he was drunk. And when he returned home after drinking, she left the room. When he was sober, she chose to spend more time with him.
If Janie had wanted to punish her husband, she could have used something like withholding sex for a week or refusing to go with him to his mother’s the following day. Punishments often don’t have much to do with the behavior. A natural consequence directly relates to the behavior that your partner exhibits. Allowing for natural consequences sometimes can be very effective in creating change. Where punishments can damage the relationship further, natural consequences can help someone take more responsibility for their behaviors.
You certainly don’t have to tolerate behaviors that are unhealthy and you have a right to take care of yourself. If your partner is doing things that you don’t like, talk about it together. It is important to express your hurt, anger, or sadness in a direct manner.
Also, tell your spouse what you need. Effectively communicating your needs and wants can be a good first step in creating change. If your partner refuses to change, determine what steps you can take to take care of yourself.
If you have developed a habit of punishing your partner, it can be a difficult habit to break. Learning new skills can help improve your marriage. Marriage counselors can help the two of you learn how to resolve conflict and solve problems together. Counseling can also assist you in learning new ways to deal with unpleasant feelings, such as sadness and anger.

This article was written by Amy Morin, LCSW , and posted

on Wednesday, April 18th, 2012 at 5:32 am. It is filed under Marriage .

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If I have a problem in my life I always try to put a system in place and the simpler and more intuitive the system, the better its chances of working.
In the marriage workshops I teach we learn many systems. Punishment is not an effective system when it is arbitrary. Like Amy Morin states in her article, “Punishments often don’t have much to do with the behavior.” The woman with the drunk husband set up a system that is directly related to the undesirable behavior and it worked.
Thanks for the great advice, Amy!

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When you hear the word “punishment,” sex probably isn't the first thing that comes to mind. But in BDSM —an umbrella term that encompasses bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism—punishment can be a major component of sex. And a pleasurable one, at that.
“Punishment is a behavior modification tool used in some [dominant/submissive] dynamics to train or discipline a submissive when they’ve defied a boundary or disobeyed an order,” explains Charyn Pfeuffer, a sex and relationships writer and author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating . “There’s no one-size-fits-all playbook for punishment, and not every kinky relationship uses it.”
Every couple is free to determine the type and severity of punishments they want to use—and the options are essentially endless. For example, if the submissive partner is a "brat" (a sub who enjoys disobeying their dom’s rules), a dom might give you a spanking as a punishment for being naughty.
“Punishment can include spankings, slapping, choking, use of restraints, or (consensually) forcing your partner into sexual acts," says Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness , a private members Open Love club for the adventurous. "It's really up to you and your partner to set the limits of what's okay for punishment and what's not.”
Like with most deliciously kinky things, punishment is not just about pain, but also pleasure. It’s a dance between the dom and sub that allows them to explore sides of themselves they may not get a chance to express in real life.
“Sexual punishment is when you know there is a part of you that is under-expressed, maybe from shame or fear,” says Kenneth Play , international sex educator and and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series . “So, if you feel like you’re being a dirty slut, being punished by your partner allows you to live out that feeling, while also enjoying your 'dirty slut' side.”
IMPORTANT: Before you engage in any BDSM punishments, you and your partner must thoroughly discuss your boundaries and limits beforehand. Despite the connotation of punishing someone, the activity still requires enthusiastic consent from all parties; the punished wants to be punished, and the punisher wants to punish.
This is where you bring someone to the brink of orgasm, only to stop touching them right before orgasm. Oh, the sweet agony.
Put them over your knee and show them what happens to naughty people who break the rules. Just remember to aim for the fleshy parts of the body, such as the butt cheeks and upper thighs.
Or, you could deny them a spanking. “Sometimes a submissive will ‘act out’ to get the punishment that they really enjoy," says Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop. "One way to punish them is to NOT give them what they enjoy."
Force your sub to agree to keep their pretty little mouth shut. You can go a step further by not allowing your submissive to speak while in a public place without asking permission first.
This would be cruel outside of a consenting dom/sub dynamic, but hot as hell if both parties are into it. “[This entails] getting your submissive dressed up for an event that they really enjoy, but upon arrival making them sit outside on the ground with their hands in their lap and not allow them to come into the event for a specific amount of time,” Sparks says.
Make your submissive walk on all fours with a collar and a leash like a dog. You can incorporate a dog mask designed for kink, like this one , and even take the act outside for the public humiliation factor.
This is a form of public degradation: You make your submissive wear a shirt that literally says "slut" on it.
“Chain your partner to the bed and leave them there to wait for your return,” Saynt says. “Leave your home and decide how long you want to make them wait for you. Come back to them begging you to set them free.” Oh, the fun that can ensue afterward!
This is when you "make" your partner "take" the pleasure, even if it feels like over-stimulation. “Force your partner to have orgasms until they are completely overwhelmed—then keep going,” Play says.
This is when the dom has sex with someone else and forces the sub to watch. Cuckolding is a more advanced activity, and we suggest doing your research before bringing a new person into the bedroom. For a slightly tamer version, the dominant partner can make the submissive watch them get off with a toy.
“Refuse to let your partner pleasure you and make them beg for a taste," Saynt suggests. "Come within a few inches of their mouth, watch their tongue slip out and get just close enough but not quite there. Make your body their prize and make the longing for it the punishment.”
“Grab ice cubes and use them to run along your partner's body while they are restrained,” Saynt says. “Use the ice to stimulate their body and offer a chilling experience.” This can go really well with a blindfold—that way the sub’s other senses, including touch, are heightened.
“What chore(s) does your sub hate doing? Make them do it—meticulously,” Pfeuffer suggests. What better excuse to not have to do the dishes tonight?
If your sub is naughty, take away their table privileges and force them to eat off the floor like a dog.
Tell your sub to get on all fours and act as a stool for you to rest your feet. Dive into a good book and force them to stay still until you’re good and ready to let them get up.
Is your sub being a little brat? “Put your submissive in the corner for a time-out,” Pfeuffer says. “Being ‘grounded’ for a little while can be incredibly effective” in getting them to follow your rules next time.
Dribble hot wax on a naughty sub’s body. Be sure you’re using a body-safe candle (like these from LoveHoney ), unless you really know what you’re doing. You don’t want to cause burns.
“Only allow your sub to pleasure themselves with your permission," Pfeuffer says. "If rules are broken, that permission is revoked." This means you hold the power over whether they experience pleasure or not; their pleasure is a gift you’re allowing them to enjoy in return for good behavior.
Have your sub go to the grocery store, the dry cleaners, or some other ordinary place while wearing a panty vibrator. You can accompany them, if you choose. We love the We-Vibe Moxie , which comes with its own remote for the dom to control.
If your sub breaks the rules, write what they did wrong on their body in permanent marker. Make them wear it around all day so they don’t forget how naughty they were.
Have your sub sit in the shower or bathtub and pee on them. This kind of humiliation play can get messy, so you might want to do it in the nude.
This is a form of “restrictive discipline,” much like giving your sub a “time out” in the corner. If they break the rules, take away something they enjoy as punishment. This could be access to the show they want to watch, their cell phone, or even an orgasm.
This one is taken right out of the old Catholic school playbook. If your sub does something they’re not supposed to, have them write out what they did a hundred times as punishment.
Have your sub wear a collar around. This shows them that they belong to you and you are in control. If you want ideas, we love this one .

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