Wife Has Lesbian Affair

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Wife Having Lesbian Affair!!
divorce
wife
child
affair
I am new to this site and look forward to receiving your advice.
I have been married (happily, I thought) for 16 years. Normal ups and downs of marriage and we have 2 wonderful children. I caught my wife having a lesbian affair with one of our neighbors over a year ago. When I confronted her she admitted it and said it was nothing and they were just curious and experimenting.
We agreed that we would move past this and she would no longer remain friends with this neighbor and I would end my friendship with the husband which I did. My wife agreed to have nothing to do with this woman going forward. About 6 months later, I saw emails between my wife and this same neighbor in which they tell how much they love and need each other. Again, I confronted her and again she admitted the continued affair but promised she would put in end to it in order to save our marriage and our family. I agreed to try to get past it again because I love my children and do not want them to have to deal with the issues of divorce and growing up in a single parent home. I was also afraid that if we did get divorced, the reason would eventually come out and I did not want my kids to have to live with the embarrassment of what their mother had done. Again, my wife promised she would end the lesbian affair and we would move on. She also agreed to go to therapy.
Well it is now six months later and the lying and cheating is still going on. My wife does not know that I know what is going on since I have not confronted her again because I can not handle the BS story and lies. I am still trying to go on with my "married" life so that I can give my kids as normal a life as possible but I must admit that I am tortured by this whole thing. We have friends in common with both families and I am often asked why I will not attend parties or events where I know this neighbor will be. Unfortunately, my wife has no problems going....probably because she is unaware that I know what is going on.
I would really appreciate any advice that anyone would have on what I can do to maintain my sanity while I stick this out for my kids. I have often said that I would take a bullet for my children and I guess that this is proof!! I think I am doing the right thing but sometimes I wonder??
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Dump her and move on? While I've always been one for a second chance..she has had that and more! What will hurt your family more, the continued lies, secrecy and so forth, or a quick divorce?
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have you checked out the following website:
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Your wife has already shown you that she has no intention of discontinuing this affair. I can totally understand that you would rather not have your children living in a single parent home, but are you willing to put up with this from her indefinitely?
Your children will hurt initially, but they will get past it. And if your wife continues this affair, the truth will likely come out at some point anyway. You are probably only postponing this and not really avoiding it.
You can't absorb this kind of pain on a continuing basis. It's unhealthy for you, and it's unhealthy for the children. If you are hurt and depressed you will not be able to enjoy life with your children like you want to and they will know it. You are already avoiding social engagements because of this.
My advice to you is to separate and take your children with you. This may be the ultimatum your wife needs to either commit to you or to decide the marriage is indeed over and stay with the other woman.
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Cut the internet off. That will force her to get caught up in her own lies.
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Your children will hurt initially, but they will get past it. And if your wife continues this affair, the truth will likely come out at some point anyway. You are probably only postponing this and not really avoiding it.
You can't absorb this kind of pain on a continuing basis. It's unhealthy for you, and it's unhealthy for the children. If you are hurt and depressed you will not be able to enjoy life with your children like you want to and they will know it. You are already avoiding social engagements because of this.
This is unhealthy for you and unhealthy for you children.
You deserve better. And your children they deserve to have a happy healthy family & example of marriage, this is not it.
YOu're wife is a liar & a cheater, she has broken her vows repeated & is hurting you & tearing apart her family, that destroy you affect your children.You've given her 3 chances, she has made her choice.
I know you don't want your children to go through a divorce, but I believe having 2 happy parents separated is far healthier than 2 unhappy ones together.
You can't put on a charade for the rest of your marriage and the truth WILL come out eventually. You're just postponing it. And it could cause more damage the longer it gets put off.
I'm so sorry for what she is doing to you & your family. I think the best way to protect you & your children is to stand up for yourselves & get out of there. You are thier father. Why should mom be allowed to tear you & the family apart?
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If your wife cannot have enough respect for you to either live up to her word or tell you she cannot, and have you then decide what to do, she is showing you a lack of respect. Deception does not exist when you act with respect. So, that being the case, it will continue so long as she is forced to not act with respect. Say nothing, collect your evidence on her affair, then serve her with divorce papers.
You may not take it all the wya to divorced, you can wiithdraw and dismiss such cases, but she needs to know you are serious.
Without serving the papers, the lies and cheating will continue.
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Personally, it sounds like it is three strikes, your out time. Does the neighbor's husband know what is going on? I do admire that your trying keep stability for the sake of your children, however do you honestly think you can keep up the charade until they move out?
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End it...this is a trainwreck in the making.
My brothers ex-wife did the EXACT same thing. Strung him along for a full year until both wifes had saved enough money and left their husbands and moved to Canada together. Karma kicked her butt though as the OW left my brothers ex to go back to her hsuband and my brother never looked back.
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Rationalizing staying in your marriage for the children is a horrible thing to do. It is obvious that you want to stay in your marriage but your wife has no intention to stop the affair. Confront her again that you know what is going on.
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.
Fool me three times... gee Baby, I dont know why your key doesnt work anymore... what? Your clothes? No that pile of ashes on the driveway isnt your clothes... Ok maybe it is... but really you shouldnt have lied to me and cheated over and over while playing me like a fiddle.
Do yourself a favor and get rid of this woman. Either that or tell her you want to join in... Ok maybe not... just get rid of her.
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Cut the internet off. That will force her to get caught up in her own lies.
whats the point of that? He already knows shes lying and cheating. The option here is a, deal with it and b, end it because she has shown that she is unwilling to change or compromise, or be faithful or honest.
Why make her stumble over her own story, he already knows the truth, just kick her out.
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I also really want to know whether the neighbor's husband knows what is going on. I totally agree that she either needs to let you join in or be done with it.
I say that from a different perspective though: your wife, if she really is a lesbian, is also living a lie of sorts. It happens all the time and its not someone's fault per se -- there could be all sorts of reasons she hid her true sexual orientation, or denied it.
Nonetheless, now she knows she is a lesbian (or bi?) and perhaps wants to be able to be true to herself as well.
Ordinarily, mean old FogLifter would advocate something along the lines of what Rabican said: brutal divorce (find an un ultra-conservative judge for this case and she may end up having to pay YOU alimony) and general ostracism from the family. But I suppose you could also allow her to save face by telling her that the reason you want the divorce is because you know she needs to be true to herself.
This all depends on whether she is a good wife in other ways. Would you be OK with some kind of arrangement where you maintain the semblance of a family life for the sake of the children, but then you both are allowed certain privileges or rights, say to see others?
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Well, this may sound crazy but I would ask to at least join in. Who knows, maybe that little expieriment will re-invigor your own marriage. Just a thought.
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I want to thank you all for your advice so far. You have given me alot to think about. It is a very tough decision as it involves that stability of my two children. So far, I think that I have been able to shelter them from most of it but if the truth ever came out it could be devastating for them. As you know other kids can be very cruel. At this point, picking up and moving to another town is not an option.
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Can you clarify whether she is fully lez, or just bi? I know it sounds man-piggish of us men, but asking whether you (and maybe even the other guy) can join in could indeed be a blessing in disguise.
Does she still (or if you don't want to, is she at least willing) to have sex with you? I do know someone whose Dad came out of the closet after so many years, and its finally allowed them to have a better relationship because there is no more lying to himself or his family.
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yeah foglifter, good point. Does she still at all have sex with you? Like I said, do the romantic thing.. Try asking to join in, whatever needed. However, by not doing or saying anything, the kids will pick up on that and that will be torture for them, they will sense animosity and anger with you both. Sometiems to save the children, you must separate from your other half. Sometimes it is better then toughing it out, after all your happiness is improtant as well.
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Well, this may sound crazy but I would ask to at least join in. Who knows, maybe that little expieriment will re-invigor your own marriage. Just a thought.
Perhaps I am just fickle - but this neighbor is married too... Are you suggesting that he sees if both him and his wife can sleep with the neighbor's wife? Still interested whether the other husband knows what is going on...
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Infidelity is infidelity, whether its with the someone of the same or opposite sex...and she have proven she can't be trusted and totally disregards you and treats you with disrespect.
You want to do the kids a favor? Make the break-up as amicable as possible. Be a happy loving father who lives honestly and with healthy boundaries.
Trust me...my parents stayed together for our (me and my siblings) sake. Still paying for the therapy. We would have MUCH rather grown up with happy divorced parents, rather than miserable, repressed ones.
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This is the kind of thing that most likely would be found out, and in a way that is much worse for the children than you and your wife agreeing the marriage is over and finding a way to tell the kids this and work out a life that is not a lie...
if your wife and her lover are sneaking around, there is a good chance at some point that one of your kids could walk in on them engaging in some form of sexual behavior, or a neighborhood child discovers it and blabs it around school. these are MUCH more traumatic ways for your kids to find out than you and your wife agreeing on a plan to separate and work out a life that is comfortable for your children.
in fact, your children might already know, even if they don't tell you, because children take their cues from their parents, and if silence, secrecy, and misery is taught, they learn it very well and will suffer in silence, or act out in ways that don't directly correlate to the elephant in the living room, that your wife is a lesbian and in love with another woman.
children know and see far more than their parents ever know, and i am positive they feel the tension between you, whether you think you are 'covering' it well. better to give them an example of how to courageously face reality and deal with it, than avoid it.
please demand marriage counseling from your wife, and start dealing with this head on rather than trying to sweep it under the carpet. you deserve a partner who loves and supports you, not lies and undermines you. marriage counseling can help both of you move forward to a decision, rather than continuing to sweep this under the carpet and repeat a destructive pattern of her cheating and lying about it, and you tolerating it.
and one of the posters is correct, they could very well be plotting a future together and are just not ready for it yet... including taking your kids and a whole bunch of child support with them. please be aware that in most areas, if you know about your spouse's affair and condone it (i.e., continue the marriage in spite of this awareness), then you cannot divorce on grounds of adultery. this can affect custody issues and support payments, so i suggest you consult both a marriage counselor and an attorney on how to deal with this.
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I know that you are right that I should get a divorce and move on but it just seems so selfish. I am afraid of not being there for my kids. I do not want to miss watching them grow up every day and being there for them. I also think that my wife is far to selfish to raise them properly. Look at what she has done already!!!
I would love to get out of this whole thing and move on but my ultimate responsibility is to my children. They did not sign up for this and they deserve everything that I can give regardless fo what turture I have to endure. I hope that you guys are wrong and that I can somehow shelter them from the truth. I certainly hope that I can because living with this is very painful but the pain will be worth it if I can protect them and let them have as normal an upbrining as possible with me there for them.
Perhaps it is selfish, but I can not do anthing that will make it so that I do not live with my children and am there for them every day!!!
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Then go for full custody and make sure you are their primary caregiver. Some family courts are more apt to give you custody if your partner is having an affair or doing something which could morally impact your children. Other family courts may not care.
At least talk to an attorney in your area and check out what your chances might be in winning custody.
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Now it's 2011- What did you finally do with your situation?
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