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Wife Hand
Wife Hands Husband Target Receipt With Classified Purchases Redacted
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Aug 26, 2022 · BabylonBee.com
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DAYTON, OH — According to sources, local woman Grace Barton committed to reveal her most recent Target receipt to her husband by noon today, but when she submitted the document, almost every word and line item on the receipt was redacted with a thick black bar.
Barton claims the redactions were for "security purposes" and that the purchases were on a "need to know" basis only.
"I'm being as transparent as I can at this time," she assured her husband as he looked over the receipt, which was almost entirely just black bars save for the Target logo and the cute little Target dog. Barton went on to claim she is the "most transparent wife" in marriage history, despite the redactions, and that she would look into declassifying more items as she is able.
"This should clear things up and reassure you that all these purchases were, in fact, justified," she added before putting up another Magnolia brand knick-knack near the entryway.
At publishing time, her husband had turned in a redacted Bass Pro Shops receipt after smuggling in a long package that was shaped suspiciously like a fishing rod.
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By Heather Finn Published: Sep 6, 2016
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The viral photo shows what it truly means to grow old together.
This real-life love story is one for the ages: After 77 years of marriage, a 100-year-old man held the hand of his dying wife, who was 96, until the very end.
Their story went viral when Reddit user (and the couple's granddaughter) RealLiveGirl shared this beautiful photo of the couple. Covered in blankets and curled up side-by-side in hospital beds, the duo has struck a chord with many, showing us what it truly means to grow old together.
Although the image is certainly heartbreaking, one commenter found the beauty in the couple's final moments and wrote: "Sorry for your loss. But what a 'great' way to go. Holding hands with your spouse, in a warm bed, presumably with loved ones around. Sympathy to your Grandfather who lost his lifelong wife. God bless all around."
Now, excuse us while we dry our tears.
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Heather Finn is the content strategy editor at Good Housekeeping, where she heads up the brand's social media strategy and covers entertainment news on everything from ABC's 'The Good Doctor' to Netflix's latest true crime documentaries.
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Nearly four years into the presidency, seeing Melania Trump swat away her husband's hand is almost expected. Every time she's done it so far has been compiled into a hilarious video.
It’s no secret that Melania Trump isn’t awfully fond of sharing PDA with her husband. But when each and every moment of her awkwardly brushing his hand away from her is put together side-by-side — oof, it’s absolutely brutal. The Lincoln Project compiled a video showing just that, all of the times that the First Lady refused to hold President Donald Trump ‘s hand, and every grimace, starting from his January 2017 inauguration. CLICK HERE to watch it.
Titled “Here’s the Melania and Donald Love Story,” and tagged with a heart-eyed emoji, the organization’s cheeky Twitter video begins with that famous face she pulls behind his back as he’s sworn into office. Set to “ Don’t Touch Me ” from the ’90s animated show Cartoon Planet , the video goes through all of the biggest “hits,” like Melania swatting Donald’s hand away without breaking her stride during a 2017 state trip to Israel.
Then, there was that infamous France state dinner at the White House in 2018 when the Trumps attempted to take a normal photo with Prime Minister Emmanuel Macron and his wife, Sophie . The First Couple stood stiffly outside the White House, expressionless, as Melania barely grazed Donald’s hand. She let go almost immediately. There’s their various awkward photo ops while boarding and embarking Air Force One, as well.
That includes their more recent foray into attempted PDA, when they arrived in Morristown, New Jersey on August 16. As the couple and their 14-year-old son, Barron Trump , descended the stairs of Air Force One, the president attempted to grab his wife’s hand multiple times. He eventually gave up, and they continued to ignore each other with smiles plastered on their faces. Naturally, social media had a field day with this.
160 Hilarious Wife Jokes to Spark Joy in Your Marriage
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If you’re seeking for wife jokes, you’ll find lots of them here. Relationships are difficult. Marriage? Even more difficult. Anyone who claims marriage is simple is delusory. Don’t get us wrong: matrimony has advantages.
Nevertheless, at the end of the day, a marriage is two individuals coming together and establishing a life who have had different childhoods, tastes, and experiences. It’s a reasonable compromise.
It’s also a lot of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the form of wife jokes. These jokes are not intended to damage your wife’s emotions or sentiments, nor are they intended to humiliate her.
We also oppose gender stereotyping. Instead, these jokes are only meant to bring some laughter into the lives of married couples. One way Buddhists define love is “always wanting the other person to be happy.”
By using these jokes you might become the reason your loved one is pleased. And what better way to be joyful than to laugh together at some old-fashioned husband wife jokes?
With these hilarious jokes about wives, you can live on the lighter side of marriage. Marriage may be difficult. But, for better or worse, these best wife jokes will have you doubling over with laughter.
My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days. What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once. What’s the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side. When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word. They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.” A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.” How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife? You don’t. I play the world’s most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife. I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body? She said, “Your sense of humor.” My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess we were just raised differently. Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet. Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.” She: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.” He: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.” She: “True, but I do.” When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere. But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere. My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law. My wife said she needed more space. I said, “No problem” and locked her out of the house.
Wives are a popular target for jokes. Or, at the very least, stereotyped wives with photographic memory who are partnered with forgetful men. Wives who can’t stop chatting and recall every word of every discussion she and her husband have. Here are some funny wife jokes about them.
“I love you,” she said. “Is that you talking,” I asked, “Or the wine?” “It’s me talking to the wine.” Doctor: “Your wife’s in hospital.” Me: “How is she?” Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.” Me: “Ah, you get used to that…” Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands? Because they always have to repeat themselves. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.” My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me. He said, “I just used a modem.” Two men were talking about their wives The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.” My wife said if I don’t get of the computer she’s gonna slam my head in to the keyboard but I think I’ll ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhf How can you tell if a woman is divorced? She’s bungee jumping for joy. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me. What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife, your house, and your kids back. What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father. “It means ‘happy’,” replied the father. “Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?” “No, son, I have a wife.” My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows. Man: I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. Friend: Why not? Man: I don’t like to interrupt her. My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly. So I got her a new set of bathroom scales. At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. “She must have COVID,” my wife said. “Why?” I asked. “Cuz she clearly has no taste.” She responded.
Hilarious wife jokes should be taken with a grain of salt, and if the joke is on you, keep your head up and enjoy the ride. Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke on you that isn’t true to how he feels about you.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids. If you’re interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off. What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? To put it bluntly, she gave him the cold shoulder. The cops still haven’t found my wife’s killer. Lucky for me, I already fled the country. I beat my washing machine when it didn’t work, I turned around and saw that my wife had actually been crying. Wife: Don’t argue with me! I’m so thoughtful and can think of everything. Anything you throw on me, chances are I would’ve seen it coming. A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!” I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing. I told them I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak. Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window… If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in. What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game? They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked. What do a wife and a grenade have in common? They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring. What is the difference between a potted plant and your wife? The answer would be the first one decomposes quicker. A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” asked the beautiful woman. To which the man replied, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.” If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the woman is new.
Short wife jokes may sometimes make the world go round and have everyone on the floor laughing like mad! Here are a few short jokes for you to enjoy.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry. Onions was a good dog. I just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner,” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings. Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him I’d start lying to my wife. There was a cannibal who had a wife and (eight) kids. Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver It’s only ok to beat up an dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say your hair smells nice My wife thinks I’m immature, so I told her to get out of my fort. You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “I can’t do both.” My wife gives me sound advice: 99% sound and 1% advice. I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream. Hey what is the difference between a painting and a wife? Only the wife was hung up Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them. Wife starts with a “W” Because all questions start with a “W” Who? Why? What? When? Which? Whom? Where? I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes. My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs. how do you know when your wife is cheating on you? she comes home with sparkles on her face If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.
Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing.
Every morning I like to remind my wife who’s in charge by holding a mirror up to her face. I like to watch my wedding video running backwards so I can watch myself walk out of the church a free man. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it. I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby. Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who don’t. The trouble is they’re usually married to each other. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving. An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds! ¨ The wife divorced him. My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me. My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car. I comforted my friend about his wife’s death: until I found out who did it. I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort. A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone. My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it! My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife. When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset. A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
For wives, who want to get back at their husband we have assembled a beautiful and hilarious collection of husband wife funny jokes. Make use of these wife and husband jokes and have fun.
Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight! Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on. Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.” Wife: “Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work, but you don’t. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How could I do that? I barely know her.” Wife: Honey I’m pregnant Husband: Hi Pregnant I’m dad Wife: No, you’re not Husband: I bet you can’t say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time Wife: You have the biggest penis out of all your friends A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him: Wife: why is your face all bloody? Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face! Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar! My husband and I were looking at the marriage certificate for thirty minutes when it hit me. Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date. A programmer and his wife. She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.” After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread. The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?” He replies, “They had eggs.” My partner and I took out life insurance policies on each other. So, now it’s just a waiting game. Husband to Wife… Start your day off by learning to embrace mistakes. She rushed to hug him. Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace so here are some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you!!! Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, wha
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