Wife Glory

Wife Glory

“A Friend Groped My Wife At a New Year’s Party”

By: Dear Wendy

January 4, 2018

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New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here . If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com .
She did not pull away or remove his hand. I stared briefly and then looked away. I was shocked and felt uncomfortable; I wasn’t sure how to react. I don’t know how long his hand was there. I did nothing that night.
As the night continued, I did not see any more groping, but I wasn’t really looking, I seemed to forget about it, probably from more drinks.
The next day I remembered what had happened and asked my wife about it, that I had seen “Jay” grabbing her buttocks. She said he had, that he was telling her how “hot” he thought she was, and that he had told his own wife that he thought my wife was hot. His wife had already gone home when the “groping” occurred. She went further in telling me that he had told her once before that he thought she was “hot.”
I didn’t ask her how long he had his hand on her or if he had done this before; I suppose in hindsight I should have. We talked a bit more about it and chalked it up to alcohol, but in the past few days it’s been bothering me as I keep thinking about his hand on her and that he’s told her before that he thinks she’s hot. And this was the first time I’ve heard of it.
We have a great marriage and I’ve never had a reason to not trust my wife, but I’m having a hard time getting over this. I’m also reluctant to see him again as I’m not sure how I might react if we happen to be in a similar situation.
How should I feel about this? — Angry, I Think
Wow, so you see a man grope your wife’s butt at a party and rather than, I don’t know, ask your wife if she’s ok, confront the guy, or suggest leaving the party, you… do absolutely nothing. Until the next morning when you ask your wife about it and then start getting bothered — not because of how your wife might be feeling about all this, but because you feel threatened. You say you’ve never had a reason to not trust your wife, implying that maybe now you do. Because some other man called her hot and grabbed her butt at a party. You’re having a hard time getting over this, not because your wife might feel objectified, uncomfortable, or even victimized, but because YOU don’t like that someone is moving in on your territory. You know, maybe this neighbor friend isn’t the only guy treating your wife with less respect than she deserves.
You want to know how to feel about this? Here are some ideas: maybe you could feel concerned about how your wife feels being called “hot” by another man. Did it make her feel uncomfortable? Was she flattered? Did it make her wish you called her hot more often? How did she feel when he grabbed her butt at a party? How does she feel knowing you saw and did nothing?
I don’t see this so much as what happened between your wife and the other guy — it’s important, of course, especially if your wife feels in any way unsafe or uncomfortable — but I see this as more about what is (or is not) going on between you and your wife and how your immediate and most dominant reaction is concern for YOU and YOUR feelings rather than hers. If this is typical of you and your relationship, then perhaps your marriage isn’t as great as you say it is. And maybe that attention from the neighbor guy wasn’t completely unwelcome. That’s not to say it WAS welcome or that your wife did or said anything to prompt it. But maybe a wife whose husband would see such behavior and literally sit there and do nothing is desperate to be noticed.
Notice your wife. Pay attention to your wife. Regard your wife. Make your wife’s feelings in this scenario more important than yours because she was the one who was groped on her ass by a guy who isn’t her husband. Ok? And I guess in answer to you specific question about how you should feel, you should probably feel a little ashamed that I need to tell you this.
Since I found out, she has been doing everything she can to show how much she wants this to work. My questions are: Should I give her another chance? Is the relationship worth it? Can this be fixed? — Mr. Wrong Sometimes

I can’t answer whether the relationship can be fixed and whether it is “worth it,” but you do have kids together and your girlfriend did give YOU multiple chances after all of your self-described “wrongs,” so it seems fair and logical to give her another chance and to do your due diligence to make things right for a change. It’s going to take you BOTH working together, going to therapy, building your trust, and making an investment and genuine effort to prioritize your relationship and your family. Give it at least six months and then re-evaluate. A family is worth at least that much before you walk away.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com .

Juliecatharine
January 4, 2018, 9:46 am

LW1 WWS. You watched a guy put his hands on your wife and turned away….if my husband did that to me I would be devastated. Honestly I would probably leave him.
LW2, please use birth control. Neither of you are mature enough to be parents, don’t add another hostage to this mess. You can live a better life, for the sake of your kids please try. Stop the drama parade.

Skyblossom
January 4, 2018, 10:07 am

LW1 I have a different take. I think you are upset because a man had his hands on your wife and she didn’t seem to react in any way. She didn’t act bothered or concerned or upset. She didn’t act at all bothered by his hands on her buttocks.
In general, people don’t touch anyone below the waist unless they are intimate unless they are groping and it is unwanted. Your wife didn’t seem to act like it was unwanted so you are left with the concern that they are intimate. It is a real concern. They were both so comfortable with that touch that they did it openly in a group of people that know them. I’d be concerned too.
Even now your wife doesn’t seem to be upset by that touch. You don’t mention her being angry or upset or hurt. She just says the neighbor thinks she is hot. I’m leaning toward them being in an intimate relationship.

Northern Star
January 4, 2018, 10:29 am

This. The wife didn’t pull away or end the conversation, according to the LW. Gropy neighbor has apparently commented about her hotness before—and she’s never told the LW. She apparently isn’t creeped out by his gropy nature.
I think the husband is right to wonder what the wife’s thinking.

Bittergaymark
January 4, 2018, 11:50 am

Glad you all went here — because as I read Wendy’s response I thought … EEEEP…. maybe I should sit this one out.
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But yeah, I had the same take.
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The wife’s reaction doesn’t fit the narrative Wendy put forth. Maybe the wife didn’t pull away as she simply enjoys a little mild public flirtation. Some do. God knows I used to when I was younger and hotter.
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This doesn’t make her a bad person. Far from it in my book… Look — the idea that a grown women has to always be rescued from a public flirtation where all she had to do was slightly pull away isn’t exactly very empowering.
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I think the husband is simply concerned that his wife WASN’T more upset. And who knows — maybe she wasn’t? I suspect this also freaks hubby LW out as friend is a wee bit hotter than he is…
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They should talk about this. But I would love to hear from the wife. If she did in fact feel trapped and powerless, by all means, that changes everything. But at this point I am not at all sure she did.
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PS — I am NOT trying to blame the victim here, merely stating that as it reads, I am not creating one either.

Skyblossom
January 4, 2018, 11:57 am

I didn’t see her as a victim either. The one thing she wanted her husband to know about the incident was that the neighbor thinks she is hot and that this wasn’t the first time he has said she is hot.
I think she liked it. She found it flattering. She would like to rub it in.

Dear Wendy
January 4, 2018, 12:09 pm

But why? I think that’s an important question here. I agree that it reads like there’s strong potential the wife wanted to rub it in, and when you take that in combination with the husband not doing a damn thing when he saw it happen and then not prioritizing his wife’s feelings about it — we don’t even know what her feelings might be bc he didn’t share that. did he even ask? — you have to wonder if maybe the reason the wife might want to rub it in (if she did, in fact, want to run it in) is possibly bc the husband/LW is giving her a whole to of attention.

Northern Star
January 4, 2018, 12:26 pm

Well, she could also be sleeping with the neighbor because she doesn’t get enough attention from her husband, too, couldn’t she?

Skyblossom
January 4, 2018, 12:35 pm

I think there are so many words she could have used to describe the situation and/or the neighbor in a negative way and she didn’t choose any of them. She could have said he was disgusting, gross, douchy, handsy, an a**hole, or many other things and she chose none of them. If she didn’t like it she would say something negative or say that she wished he had come over when he saw what was happening or say that she froze and didn’t know what to do or that she was creeped out or that she was embarrassed. All she chose to say was that the neighbor said she was hot. She didn’t make any comment about being distressed or disgusted or hurt. She chose what she wanted to say and it was that the neighbor said she was hot.
I don’t think it is fair to blame the husband for the actions of the neighbor as if the wife needed him to run over and save her. If she was distressed and needed saving don’t you think she would step back or flinch or turn to look for her husband for help. She did nothing to indicate that she was uncomfortable. Not when it happened and not later. I think the husband turned away because he was stunned and didn’t know what to do. If you aren’t the type to be confrontational and possessive and you are stunned and hurt you turn away to pull yourself together.

Richard Hamilton
February 1, 2021, 2:49 pm

what does she have to do to get your attention ! its obvious that man makes her upset. she wants reassurance that you love her , even in public , especially in front of friends . sometimes getting physical with someone is important to a marriage . i don`t condone violence ,but sometimes a face to face is necessary , or a well placed shove or punch .

Moneypenny
January 4, 2018, 12:45 pm

I had the same thought as well. It seems odd to me that she did nothing- not move his hand off or push him away.

Moneypenny
January 4, 2018, 12:46 pm

And to be fair, she could have just froze when he did it and that’s why- but really the husband should ask!
I agree. I think the husband is warrented in his reaction. I think, however, he needs to have a frank and open discussion with his wife about the situation, and if she is in fact welcoming it, discuss the why. I don’t think it’s fair to say he’s wrong in thinking of his own feelings when his wife doesn’t seem upset or uncomfortable with the groping or being called “hot.” He’s entitled to feel a little threatened and worried that his feeling their marriage is a good one is maybe off-base.
I think if a woman came on here with a similar story with roles reversed, the first reaction wouldn’t be to admonish her because she didn’t ask if her husband was ok. We would tell her that she should talk to her husband about the situation and examine if there is a reason he is looking for that type of validation outside of the marriage.
LW1. I’m not sure if your wife liked the grope or not. Maybe she liked the attention, or more likely she felt paralyzed, didn’t want to cause a scene and was counting the seconds in her head until it was over. Or maybe it was something in between. Did you ask her she felt about it? Or did you ask her how she’d prefer you act if you saw something like this again?
Anytime I feel threatened by unwanted attention, whether it’s at work, on the street, at a party, on the bus, at the grocery store, etc. I immediately tell my husband about it. There’s really not much he can do, but it feels good to tell him some of the hardships women face. It’s cathartic. I think it’s telling that she didn’t mention it to you. Maybe it’s worth having a conversation about and perhaps you’ll feel less territorial and more understanding. And maybe she’ll feel more comfortable sharing concerns in the future.

Skyblossom
January 4, 2018, 11:13 am

When he asked his wife about it she said the neighbor says she’s hot. She didn’t say he is a creepy, he disgusts me or anything derogatory about him. She doesn’t say she didn’t know what to do or that she froze. She just shared that the neighbor says she is hot.

Bittergaymark
January 4, 2018, 11:54 am

Exactly. No… “OMIGOD, that was SOOOOO fucked up, I almost died…”
Just remember, we’ve only got one perspective on this situation and in my eyes, it’s skewed. I don’t trust LW1 to relate the story truthfully or fully as he is too concerned with his own feelings to accurately convey his wife’s.
Yeah, I feel like some folks are looking to make this about sexual misconduct when the information we have doesn’t indicate this at all. Maybe there is truth in there, but I find we often read into the information we’re given, or add information we just don’t have.
If you read my response, I did say that maybe she liked the attention. Or maybe she was completely skeeved, or maybe it was somewhere in between.
I wouldn’t say it doesn’t indicate sexual misconduct *at all*. Based on the actual facts (and not assumptions), it’s a friend who should not be grabbing her butt. If it turns out she’s cheating on the LW with the guy or something, then of course it’s not sexual misconduct. But there’s no true evidence of that either. Not calling someone creepy isn’t hard evidence.
I think this is a letter where there’s no real advice beyond “get more info” and “communicate with your wife.” There’s very little relevant info in the letter, and I don’t see how a stranger can say one way or the other what happened.

Bossy Italian Wife
January 4, 2018, 11:39 am

LW1- I think you have reason to be concerned from the perspective that your wife seemed unperturbed by the “affection” this neighbor showed. It’s strange— her reaction, that is. My advice would be to re-approach your wife and tell her you’ve thought about this and you are upset.
Tell her that you no longer feel comfortable with the neighbor, so much so that you feel the need to talk with him about this behavior. Be willing to do it and explain to this guy that it’s way over the line, and inappropriate. Tell him you have to think about socializing with him in the future.
This will give your wife an opportunity to know that your concern is two fold: her physical space and integrity and the marriage. It can also give her a chance to say how she feels… if it made her uncomfortable, etc. I find her non reaction strange… but you need to talk with her about it and also tell this guy “oh hell no!”
Something similar happened to me while I was with my husband. We were out at a high end bar by a lake near our house with out of state friends. An old man (probably in his late 60’s) up to talk to my husband. The nice drunk kind saying come out on my boat this summer. It will be fun. During that time, the old man grazes my butt. I thought for sure it was an accident but nope, he did it twice.
Anyone who would have seen it happen would have seen no reaction from me. I didn’t want to cause a scene and I simply ended the conversation between him and my husband so he would move on.
I told my husband later but I thought twice about it. He was upset and wanted to go find the old man. He was upset that another man put his hands on me without my consent and disrespected our marriage and me, as a person. Not once did he say anything about HIS feelings or not being sure he could trust me because of what another man did.

Bittergaymark
January 4, 2018, 12:08 pm

That man was a creepy old stranger… which is, frankly, quite different.

Moneypenny

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