Wife Doing
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Wife Doing
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How to Do It, Slate’s sex advice column, now has its very own podcast featuring Stoya and Rich! Twice a week, they’ll tackle all-new questions together, no matter how out there. The second episode each week is available exclusively to Slate Plus members. Sign up for Slate Plus for just $1 for your first month.
For our first week only, the episode and transcript are available to everyone.
My wife and I, a woman and man in our 30s, have been married for almost two years. We live in a condo, and last month, my best friend, Max, got a new job in our expensive city across the country and came to stay with us while he looks for his own place. This arrangement has been nice because we have had no social lives for the past year-plus, thanks to COVID. But it’s also a little frustrating at times because he’s always around, and my wife and I have no alone time.
Max has boundary issues and acts like we were still roommates in our 20s. He thinks it’s fine to walk around in a towel and leave his clothes in the bathroom after he showers—that kind of thing. I throw his dirty clothes at him, but my wife tolerates all of it, and even does his laundry sometimes when she’s doing it anyway. I shake my head at this, but I know she’s just trying to be a nice host.
The other day, when I assume my wife thought I was still upstairs and Max was gone, I caught a glimpse of her picking up Max’s underwear from the bathroom floor and putting it up on her face. I couldn’t fully see, but it looked like she was smelling it. I was a little shocked and made some noise, and she acted like nothing happened. I have not mentioned this since, and I am not sure what to do.
Max is finally leaving in a couple of weeks. I might be wrong about what I saw, but a part of me is now thinking about the few times they’ve been alone. I do trust my wife and Max, but the last year has made us all a little crazy. Should I bring this up to my wife? What should I say?
Stoya: I feel like there’s one chunk that’s the smelling of the underwear that definitely happened. And then there’s this other chunk, where our writer seems to be fearing that some physical act of infidelity has happened between his wife and best friend.
Stoya: And that seems like a lot of distance to cover in one paragraph. And I think it might be worth them trying to dial back that concern.
Rich: Yes. So, it’s hard to untangle the suspicion from the jealousy because he says she’s doing his laundry and this is annoying to him. It’s like, are you painting us a picture of this entire thing that’s leading up to this point? Are you crafting this? Or are you walking around feeling paranoid about this for whatever reason that you didn’t specify because Max has boundary issues?
Stoya: Yeah. If I were in his position and my wife was, I don’t know, making positive comments about Max walking around in a towel, I would mention that in the letter. So, I think we can assume that she doesn’t encourage him in any way.
And if she has a fetish, fetishes aren’t necessarily connected to people. Some foot fetishists don’t care at all who the foot is attached to. She may be super into smelling underwear and just be really excited at a fresh set of genitals for some diversity. And be willing to tolerate specifically this laundry thing because it gives her a chance to interact with the underwear.
Rich: But there is the chance that she’s so attracted to Max that she’s sniffing in particular his crotch smell and loving it because it belongs to him.
Stoya : There is. And that is where we then have to tread carefully because we don’t want to send the writer off in this paranoid spiral and have that result in him storming into the room. But it is a valid concern.
Rich: Certainly, my willingness to confront any situation I find gets me into plenty of trouble and creates strife. But if I were in this situation and I saw my boyfriend doing that, I’d be like, “What are you doing? Like what?”
We’re open, so he’s allowed, in any definition, to sniff somebody’s underwear. He’s allowed to do a lot more. So, something like this that exists in kind of a gray area of fidelity, that might be a reason why you wouldn’t want to confront somebody because you don’t want to create a fight, you don’t want to accuse them. If I ask my boyfriend, “What are you doing?,” we can laugh about it, but it can be open like that. I understand, in a different sort of scenario, why it might be difficult to broach that conversation.
At the same time, your wife had underwear on her face. What is she doing?
Stoya: Yeah, they don’t mention whether they’re monogamous or not, which implies to me that they’re default monogamous, which comes with a lot of details not being discussed.
Stoya: So, it’s going to be very difficult for him to broach the conversation because she probably feels conflicted, maybe guilty, maybe ashamed. And she has very good reason, given the situation, to fear that the faintest mention is the prelude to judgment and accusation. She may not be in a position to clearly answer a direct question about what she was doing. But I do think it’s worth asking.
Rich: Yeah. Just: “I happened to see. What was up with that? Are you into Max?”
Stoya: You don’t necessarily have to go at it from that route. He could be like, “So, I’ve smelled your panties,” presuming he has. “Here’s what it did for me. Do you ever smell people’s underwear?” And like give her an opportunity to be like, “Why, yes,” but still feel kind of in control. But I worry if he jumps straight to like, “So, when you had my friend Max’s underwear on your face… ”—that might cause a breakdown in communication.
Rich: It could. Although I would say that if somebody came at it like you just suggested, I would immediately be like, “Oh my God, he saw me doing that the other day. And now it’s a confrontation.”
Rich: Yeah, this is a rip-the-Band-Aid-off kind of thing.
Stoya: Brace for it to be wacky and make sure you have a good couple of hours to deal with any complications where you have privacy, because the last thing you need is Max walking in, in the middle of some super tense discussion.
Stoya: That he leaves on the floor like a 20-year-old.
Rich: And if we don’t know how she’s going to react, then the best that you can do as the person talking to her is make sure you don’t escalate—to make sure that you use compassionate, nonaccusatory language. If you’re trying to find out information, you’re trying to find information. If you want to fight, you want to fight. But I think the former is what you’re going for here. So, just be patient and kind, and say it bothered you.
Have a question for Stoya and Rich? Submit it on this anonymous form , or leave us a voicemail at (347) 640-4025.
This week, Stoya and Rich answer letters from a man who falls in love for a very embarrassing reason, and a woman whose good friend just started a new OnlyFans account—and seems to be targeting all her friends’ husbands for follows .
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New York ’s Sex Diaries series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. This week, a 32-year-old works-from-home mom skipping the vibrator in hopes of husbandly oral: married, straight, lives in Riverdale.
7:07 p.m. Just got home after a longer-than-expected drive from a little family vacation. Walked in to find our house hotter than the wrath of hell and reeking of Friday’s trash. Nothing says welcome back to reality more than two sweaty, grumpy children, several suitcases full of dirty laundry, and a refrigerator offering no options for a quick/easy dinner. As I am not the chef in the family (I once set fire to spaghetti), my exhausted husband, Jack — a creative director in advertising — has been sent out for necessary provisions: dinner supplies and condoms (apparently, we’ve run out of those as well). After a long weekend in a shared hotel room, I seriously need to get fucked.
9:31 p.m. The kids, who are 7 and 9, are finally asleep. A 24-count package of condoms was purchased — Jack and I practice all methods of safe sex … except abstinence. We got married in 2004 (we were both 19; I was a month away from 20).
7:50 a.m. Kids are off to school with much griping and complaining this morning. Not that I can blame them. The 7 a.m. alarm was equally painful to me. Getting back to normal life is always an adjustment. Starting a load of laundry as I down my morning coffee and take inventory of what needs to be done today.
2:51 p.m. Kids are home from school and complaining about impending homework time as I scramble to put away my fourth load of laundry. It’s hard to feel sexy or imagine anybody wanting you like this. At least now that the kids are older, I don’t smell like spit-up or formula anymore. Since I was young when I had kids, the last thing I wanted was to look like a “mother.” I still worry about that from time to time. I gained a lot of weight with my first, and was super self-conscious about getting naked until I finished shedding those pounds. Now, people are constantly surprised to learn that I’ve had kids at all, let alone two, but I still find myself fixating on my imperfections sometimes (the stretch marks, the desire for Victoria’s Secret abs, the fear my girl bits just aren’t what they used to be). Jack is amazing about making me feel like the most sexy and desirable woman, even when I don’t feel up to par.
10:35 p.m. One kid still wide awake upstairs as Jack and I have a stupid (non) fight downstairs. One thing we’ve been pretty good at our whole marriag
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