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Originally Published: Jan. 25, 2019
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My wife, Lauren, went away for the weekend with her mother, ostensibly for some R & R at a spa in Pennsylvania. She might have just gone to her parents’ house and hid there for 48 hours . I wouldn’t blame her if she did.
This left me alone with the children from Friday evening through Sunday. Expectations were low as I am a sometimes-depressed/always-lazy parent who preaches discipline, which in reality translates to impatience, yelling, and finally caving to all their desires.
Lauren (before leaving): I left you four notes.
Lauren: Four! Read them and text me any questions.
(I have skipped Friday night as no major injuries occurred and the children made it to bed on time. I would argue that my superior parenting was the cause. Reality would say they were exhausted from school.)
I’m not sure how it’s mathematically possible. Liz and Matt know twenty other kids tops. Yet there are multiple birthday parties every weekend of our lives. I’m convinced some parents throw their kid a
party three times per year. Which brings me to my first problem. Lauren’s aunt can’t make it. I have to become the parent who brings the kid who isn’t invited.
11:16 A.M. We arrive and I explain to Jenny’s mom that the babysitter bailed.
“Of course he’s welcome! What’s his name?” Jenny’s mom says (while cursing under her breath).
Matt hides behind my leg. He’s in a stage where he does this a lot.
Like the hypocrite I am, I totally excuse this behavior when it’s me he’s clinging to, as opposed to when he does it with Lauren.
Speaking of types of invites, a cousin to the “uninvited sibling” is the “parents’ friends’ older kid who’s invited to avoid offending the parents’ friends even though they didn’t want to come anyway but didn’t want to offend you.” I scan the room and get a look at all the children running around. I spot an older kid not participating. I make eye contact and nod my head at him like, “I feel you, kid.” He looks back at me and appears to be debating if he should scream “Stranger Danger!”
It’s time for the kids to eat. Minus my obsession with germs and complete lack of self-control when there are three pies of pizza sitting there and no one to tell me “No,” I think this portion of the party goes fairly smoothly.
Am I too old to eat icing from a cupcake?
At home, we watch New York Minute with the Olsen twins which won 14 Academy Awards, I believe. I try not to look at my phone and the college football games. Liz loves it. It’s kind of entertaining. Wait,
did I just say that? Have I lost that much perspective after less than 24 hours with my kids?
(Does anyone else find these notes slightly condescending?)
5:58 P.M. It’s time for showers. Do they really need showers? Lauren didn’t say anything about showers in her note. In my mind, I run through their various exposures to the outside world. My germaphobia and my laziness are in a tight battle.
I play in the poker tournament. In a past life, I played a lot of poker and it’s one of the two activities (along with eating peanut butter straight from the spoon without choking) that I’m good at. So I
last until the final table. It’s getting late.
What???? That’s a violation of babysitting etiquette. You can’t leave the house until the parents come home.
We’re down to five people and it’s $1,000 and town bragging rights on the line. I am at a crossroads. It’s been a long time since my gambling problem directly interfered with my life.
“They’re sleeping. What’s going to happen?”
“It’s only $1,000 to the winner, right?” I confirm. I think if it was more than $5,000, I’d have to take my chances. I intentionally lose and leave.
11:00 A.M. Birthday party for Matt’s classmate. We’re on time to this one since Lauren’s aunt is watching Liz, and bringing one kid to a party is 50 times easier than bringing both.
Twenty years (and pounds) ago, I was a good athlete and played competitive tennis and soccer. (Lauren met me later and refuses to believe that I’m capable of extending past whatever speed I get up to when I run to the free sample line at Costco.)
I’m also a sports fan, and I badly want my kids to play sports so I can live vicariously through them. I just need something to root for again.
It was hard to accept that I may not ever have that experience.
1:25P.M. (clinic halfway done) I have finally gotten their cleats and shin guards on. Liz is wearing jeans because she only cares about her appearance and has no interest in running, which, at least when I was
playing, was an essential part of soccer.
Matt is more interested, though he spends 90 percent of the clinic picking the wedgie out of his butt from the jersey that’s tucked into his shorts because it’s huge on him. He is engaged
Until he’s not. “Daddy, my hands are cold.”
Fuck, I forgot the gloves. I spend the next twenty minutes intermittently blowing hot air into his hands and sending him back out to play.
We started out okay on Friday. I have since been broken down. In this case, I used McDonald’s as a bribe to get my kids to cooperate while getting ready for soccer (which didn’t work anyway). I also want to close the weekend strong so that Daddy gets proper credit. What’s the point of this weekend if not to make me the favorite parent?
I eat McDonald’s for the first time in a decade. A few thoughts: One, this food is delicious. Two, how do I have to go to the bathroom already? It just went past my esophagus three minutes ago. It’s a public bathroom though so I hold it in.
Matt and Liz are only eating the French fries.
“Three bites of your burgers,” I threaten.
“Four bites,” Matt bargains against his own interests.
“Matt, four is more than three,” Liz points out, ruining things.
I go to my bag of tricks. “Five-and-a-half bites each.”
Note: I’m not sure why exactly I’m so anxious for them to eat a burger over the fries. Protein, maybe? I think I’m just personally offended that my children ignore food. As I am a total pig, I would question
whether they are in fact my kids. But I can’t imagine there’s a man out there who Lauren could have had an affair with who has this level of disregard for food.
We arrive home and I can see the finish line. I could stick them in front of the TV until Lauren gets home. Does New York Minute Part 2 exist?
I decide against the television route. If Lauren walks in and they are watching TV, she will assume they have been in front of the TV all weekend.
“Kids, let’s clean up.” They have no interest in complying, but I have one card left to play. When they finish, we will bake an apple pie from the 564 apples left over from apple-picking last weekend.
“Would you like some apple pie, dear?”
“No. We met a nutritionist. I’m eating clean now.”
Whenever Lauren is introduced to something new, it changes her entire perspective on life. Until the following day when she forgets about it. I excuse myself to go upstairs. I am not as organized as Lauren and don’t plan weekends away. But I will now pretend to use the bathroom for the next thirty minutes.
This article was originally published on Jan. 25, 2019

By Jorge, 10 years ago on Being Married
Well one day my wife aked me if she could go to the club with her friends t...

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Well one day my wife aked me if she could go to the club with her friends to celebrate a graduation and I said ok but before that I notice that she wanted to drink more often so that might she went out she dissent come home till 5:00am and the next day she woke up hung over so it kind of concerned me because she can't handle liquor well so the next day I felt something was wrong so I went up to her and asked what happend and she said nothing happened I was worried because she's been coming home and leaving with a friend to go make jewelry and wasn't cleaning or feeding our kids seems the jewelry was more inportent so the next day after me feeling her distant I asked her if she could please start helping me clean and feed the kids befor leaving and she got mad saying that she does clean which she wasn't helping so while we were discussing that situation I brought up another one about her sister adding my wife's first the guy she first slept with on face book a problem that happend about 2 years ago but I felt insecure that my wife added her on face book agin after she deleted her because of that situation well it runs out that guy tryed to add my mother in law and a nother sister in law of mine that's why I felt insecure aboUut her having her sister on face book even tho my wife said that guy has been deleted don't worry it still was on my mind cause I didn't trust her sister so I told my wife that it's bothering me that her sister is on face book and as her husband cans she please delet her and she said no no no so I said its ether me or he and she said I choose herso that's how she ended our merrage but she tells me it's all the arguing in the past years what's really going on is it me or her she has new Frieda **** well so next day after she broke it off she said she is moving and wanted me to terminate our contract at the apartments and she seperated our cell phone contracts what's going on
Jorge I think she is done with the relationship. How do you feel about all this? If you are not there, Who will watch the children when she goes to her "jewelry classes"?
Yeah I she tells me she is done but I still try to convince her to try to work things out that I can change my ways I wasn't really that bad of a person just in the past with our arguments when they would get bad but as I'm getting older I'm changing don't want it to end cause I want my family together that's the only thing with me is my anger and our arguments but she has no respect for me the very next weekend she starred going out she keeps the car she wanted me to leaver her the apartment so she can get a roommate and I told her if she could please not move in a guy because of my lil girls and says it don't concern me she can do what ever she wants to do things like that she would take the girls with her or I'll take care of them or her mom so she can make jewelry
I feel like she gave up to easy she never seeked for me to stop me she would only tell me one thing tho that crosses my mind is how can you stop loving somebody overnight we have a 7 month old baby that don't even help not even the good memories and we have afour year old
Is there anyway to get your wife back?
You deserve better she doesn't want to be married. I think you should move on let her goand when she sees the masteak she made don't take her back.
You speak like you are about 5 years old. Are you mentally unstable? I see why she left you. It is because you are an idiot.

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