Wife And I Sex

Wife And I Sex
My wife says she has a low sex drive and suggested I sleep with other people. Is that really wise?
‘She says that while she doesn’t have a high sex drive, she views sex as an expression of our love.’ (Posed by models.) Composite: Getty/Guardian Design Team
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
I initially felt some excitement at the thought but now feel very uncomfortable about embarking on meaningless affairs. Am I being too demanding of my wife?
My wife and I have been together for about 10 years, and it has always been pretty clear that we have different sexual tempos; I want far more sex than she does. Recently she told me that she views sex with me as special, but that she wouldn’t be that interested in having it with someone else. She said she views it as an expression of our love, but her sex drive isn’t very high. However, she went on to say that she would be fine if I wanted to go out and have meaningless sex myself. After my initial reaction (a slight frisson of excitement, I must admit) I found myself quite put out by the suggestion. If I was to have more sex than I am having currently, I’d like it to be with my wife, rather than with strangers . Am I being too demanding? Should I bring this up with her? Or should I take her up on her offer and try sleeping around to fill that sexual need?
When a partner gives this kind of permission they do not always mean it, and rarely think it through. Aside from the physical risks, there are plenty of emotional and relationship hazards. Even “meaningless sex” is quite loaded with “meaning” in the context of a sexless marriage and I’m not surprised you are questioning it. It could damage your relationship. Your first idea is the wisest – to confirm your desire for your wife and begin to seek ways to interest and engage her more. It is important to avoid assuming either that she is no longer attracted to you or that she simply has “a low sex drive”, per se. There are a number of reasons why a person might not match a partner in libido; some are fixable, while others need to be investigated. Seek help together to understand if there is a hormonal, relational, psychological or physiological reason for your desire mismatch.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

Facing A Challenge And Feel Like Nobody Can Relate?
My wife has no sex drive, what can I do? Can I help my wife regain her sex drive? How can I reverse my wife’s low libido? Can my wife love sex again? Is low sex drive reversible? If you are looking for answers to one or all of these questions, this article is for you.
Hi. My name is Sean Galla. I have been facilitating online support groups, including sexless marriage support groups, for more than 10 years. In my years of work, I have seen how lack of intimacy in a marriage can negatively affect the man and the relationship in general.
Finding reliable advice and information on how to handle a wife with a low sex drive is the best way to find healing and lear n how to overcome this difficult hurdle. Here is everything you need to know about sexless marriages and what you can do as a man.
My wife has no sex drive what can I do? This article gives solid advice about how men can help improve the sex drive in their homes. This is based on my years of experience helping men in your situation. Whether you are looking for guidance or professional help, this article has everything you need to know.
An experienced facilitator, community builder and Peer Support Specialist, Sean has been running men's groups for 10+ years. Read Sean's Full Author Bio .
Any gynecologist will tell you, that at least 50% of women have at least one sexual problem when it comes to their sexual function, and men suffer the side effects. This can either be low sex drive, lack of sexual desire, painful sex experiences even with lubrication, or trouble having an orgasm. However, this is not something you hear much about.
If you are a man living with a wife who seems to have a low sex drive, you are not alone. Studies also show that 1 in 3 women aged between 30 and 59 suffer from what is commonly referred to as low libido or low sexual desire. There are numerous causes of reduced sex drive, determining how best to deal with it.
The libido is simply one’s appetite or desire for sexual experiences. According to sex therapists, sexual desire can either be responsive or spontaneous.
When a person has spontaneous libido, they are sexually aroused spontaneously, which is what most people associate with people in their teenage years or early 20s. This is a sudden desire to have sex that washes over an individual from nowhere. When you have a spontaneous libido, you only need to think of sex to want it.
Responsive libido is the opposite of this. This type of libido is only awakened as a response to a stimulus. It is the kind of sexual desire that occurs when you read or watch something erotic or feel the touch of someone you have an emotional or sexual connection with. For people with a responsive libido, arousal has to happen first before they can have a desire for sex.
For women, spontaneous libido is only present in their formative years and is replaced with responsive libido after their teen years and early 20s. It is possible to confuse responsive libido with low libido when a woman fails to react to a sexual advance spontaneously.
While it is essential to ensure you do not confuse responsive libido with low libido in women, women can experience reduced sex drive as they grow older, which is a common sexual dysfunction in marriage.
When there is a mismatched sex drive in marriage, this is commonly referred to as Sexual Desire Discrepancy (SDD), when two partners fail to share the same level of libido or sex drive. In contrast, the medical term used for low libido is HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder), an arousal disorder.
If you’re looking for tips on How to Get Your Wife to Have More Sex , follow mensgroup.com.
Sexual desire in women fluctuates naturally throughout their lifetime. How high and low their sex drive is at any one time depends on their mental health, physical health, life changes, and even relationship changes, with pregnancy, menopause, mental health, or other health issues being the most common causes of these changes.
For a woman to be said to have a sex drive disorder, they should have shown signs of low libido for at least six months.
Common symptoms of low sex drive in women include:
If you are looking for guidance on your relationship, read our article How to Deal with A Sexless Marriage as A Man .
In most cases, low libido in women can result from a medical condition. Common conditions and medications that can cause low sex drive include:
Daily stresses of life can negatively impact a woman’s libido. If your wife spends her day at a stressful job or taking care of the kids and household, chances are they will have little to no energy for sex. At the end of the day, sleep and rest become more important than sex, causing a lack of sex for you.
One of the most significant factors contributing to the high and lows of a woman’s libido is the quality of her relationship. Women value emotional connections more than sexual connections with their partners. If she feels her emotional need are neglected, this can affect her desire for sex. Some common relationship issues that may affect your sex life include:
On the other hand, you can also read our article How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex .
As a partner with a higher sex drive, it can get frustrating when your wife has a lower libido. If your wife is showing signs of a low sex drive, you need to help her overcome this hurdle, which calls for an honest and open conversation about the issue. Here are steps you can take to bring back the spark in your bedroom.
While men have no problem connecting through sex, most women seek emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. If you feel that the connection between you has diminished, you need to start building it up again. You can foster an emotional connection by making quality time for the two of you, helping out with the kids or around the house, or doing things that will bring you closer together.
You can create at least 10 to 15 minutes every day where you tell each other the highs and lows of your day. This undivided attention can help rekindle the connection between the two of you.
To get your sex life back, you need to foster a sense of vulnerability and openness in your relationship. Start by talking to her about your unexplored sexual fantasies and let her open up about hers. While she may not be ready to explore these fantasies yet, talking about them creates a form of intimacy and stimulation.
If you cannot remember the last time you went on a date with your wife, this may be part of the problem. Helping your wife get back her sex drive involves dating her and making her feel special. Start putting in the effort to plan romantic dates and getaways and make them a regular thing in your relationship. This kind of energy is sure to help her desire sex more.
If your wife’s low libido results from an underlying health issue, it is important to address it. Mental health issues such as anxiety, stress, and depression are known to lower sex drive in individuals and require treatment to improve the sex drive. Talking to a mental health professional or a women’s health doctor can help restore her well-being and sex drive.
It is also important to have medications for health conditions altered or balanced as an imbalance can also cause low libido.
If you do all the above and still find that you and your partner are still experiencing a libido mismatch, it is advisable to seek the help of a professional about your relationship problems. This can be a marriage counselor, sex therapy from a certified sex therapist, or a couple’s counselor. Speaking with a professional can help you improve your communication, mindfulness for one another, and ultimately get back to a matched sex drive. Also, joining a support group for men like MensGroup can also be an ideal solution for you.
My wife has no sex drive what can I do? Sometimes, talking to fellow married men is all the help you need to spice up your marriage again.
MensGroup is an online-based support group that ensures you can get help and advice on how to get your wife to have more sex. On this men-only site, you will meet other men who have experienced sexless marriages and managed to overcome the challenge.
You will learn how to get your wife sexually interested in you again. If you are a man in a sexless marriage, Men’s Group is a free space to share, learn, and grow, even as you make new friends.
Being in what feels like a sexless marriage can be frustrating. If you want your relationship to work and your marriage to last, following the tips highlighted in this article and joining a support group is the best decision you can make for your relationship.
If you are a man looking for guidance and support on how to get your wife to have more sex, the men’s group is the perfect place to get the advice, feedback, and support you need from fellow men who want to see you thrive and enjoy a happy marriage.
We’ll get you connected to guys going through similar things. Enter your email below to get access to our confidential MensGroup discussion forum and online men’s groups on Zoom:

Your Wife Has No Desire For Sex? You Better Read This

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Zorro, Calle "Your Wife Has No Desire For Sex? You Better Read This."
Your Wife Has No Desire For Sex? You Better Read This .
5 Nov. 2009 EzineArticles.com.
18 Nov. 2022 < http://ezinearticles.com/?Your-Wife-Has-No-Desire-For-Sex?-You-Better-Read-This&id=3215824 >.

APA Style Citation:

Zorro, C. (2009, November 5). Your Wife Has No Desire For Sex? You Better Read This .
Retrieved November 18, 2022, from http://ezinearticles.com/?Your-Wife-Has-No-Desire-For-Sex?-You-Better-Read-This&id=3215824

Chicago Style Citation:

Zorro, Calle "Your Wife Has No Desire For Sex? You Better Read This." Your Wife Has No Desire For Sex? You Better Read This
EzineArticles.com . http://ezinearticles.com/?Your-Wife-Has-No-Desire-For-Sex?-You-Better-Read-This&id=3215824

By
Calle Zorro  |

Submitted On November 05, 2009

Recently, a man asked me the following question:
"Calle, can you tell me what's going on? My wife and I have been married for 15 years and after the first year, the sex started becoming less and less frequent. My wife simply wasn't in the mood for it...she didn't feel like having sex...she had a "headache"...she was "tired" or whatever.
Now, if we make love once a month it's a miracle and even then, she's clearly and obviously just "giving it" to me so I'll shut up and go away. It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, my wife just doesn't seem to have any interest in sex. And, that's how it's been for years. That's not how it was before we married and during the first year, but after that, it's like her desire for sex just completely disappeared.
And now...the latest thing I have discovered is that my wife seems to be having an affair. Of course, she is denying it but I'm seeing too many indications...too many red flags...and the last time we made love it was definitely like she had been in bed with another guy and since then, she has been even more distant and has shunned my approaches even more strongly than she has in the past.
So, my question is, how can a woman who has had no desire for sex all these years...who has avoided intimacy with me go have an affair with another man? That just doesn't make any sense to me...I don't get that!"
That's a good question don't you think? How can a woman who seemingly doesn't like or want sex go engage in sex with another man? Well, let's explore what's really going on by asking another question...
What kind of man does your wife want?
The answer to that question is my famous line, "A woman wants a man that she can have a positive and sexual reaction to." A woman wants a man who understands and meets her needs. And, she wants a man who thinks, behaves, and operates in a way that is appealing, attractive, and sexy.
And, when the man who asked the question above didn't provide those things to his wife, she began to move away from him...she began to stop wanting sex with HIM.
BIG, BIG, distinction here...she didn't stop wanting sex...she stopped wanting sex with HIM. She stopped wanting sex with a man who wasn't turning her on sexually.
Now, the issue was not that this man was incapable of turning his wife on sexually. The issue was that he had not yet learned how to do that.
As a comparison, imagine that right after this man married his wife she started growing uglier and uglier until she eventually became this horribly grotesque woman. If this had happened, the man would have stopped wanting sex with his wife, right? Well, for a man, it primarily has to do with physical looks. For a wife, it primarily has to do with the feelings that the man she's with creates inside of her...and this man just needed to learn how to create the right feelings inside of her.
Your wife wanted sex in the past. She wants sex NOW. She wants sex in the future. So, if your wife doesn't want sex with you, then she wants it with someone else. If your wife does not want sex with you, I suggest you use that as motivation to become the kind of man that your wife wants before she goes and finds someone else.
Now, I want to raise a related point...
I was helping a different man recently who also found himself in an almost identical situation...he and his wife had been married for 18 years, wife had resisted and rejected sex for years...and then he discovered that his wife was having an affair, etc. Anyway, as I began talking with this man, one of the things he kept saying over and over was...
"Overall, I have been a very good husband and father!"
I'm sure you've heard other men say this about themselves, right? And in fact, you may have even said or thought this about yourself too.
But, let's ask ourselves, what does that really mean to say you are a good husband and father? Well, when you boil it all down, for most men it means three things:
1. They are a decent provider.
2. They aren't an alcoholic or drug-addict.
3. They aren't physically abusive.
Now, here's what men must wake up and realize...none of those three things mean a man has satisfied, excited, or generated a positive and sexual reaction in his wife towards him. None of these three things mean a wife really respects or admires or is attracted to her husband.
In fact, all too often "I've been a good husband" really just means a man has been a soft, passive, be nice, put up with a lot of nonsense and misbehavior kind of guy...and that's NOT the kind of man a woman will have a positive and sexual reaction to. So, let me say it again...
A woman wants a man who understands and meets her needs. And, she wants a man who thinks, behaves, and operates in a way that is appealing, attractive, and sexy. For the sake of your marriage and any children you may have, I strongly encourage you to become this kind of man.
Copyright 2009, Article by Calle Zorro. Permission is granted to reprint this article ONLY if authorship credit is given to Calle Zorro and a link to DoThisGetSex.com is included with it.
The issue for most husbands is NOT that they have a non-sexual wife (although that's what they usually think). The real issue is that men need to learn how to think and operate in the way that lets them get more love and get more sex [http://www.dothisgetsex.com]. So, if there is a lack of affection, lack of intimacy, and lack of sex in your marriage, go here: [http://www.dothisgetsex.com] You'll be glad you did.
© 2022 EzineArticles All Rights Reserved Worldwide

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