Wife 2 Men
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Wife 2 Men
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There if often a powerful longing, and curiosity, about "the one who got away." Old boyfriends are our history-holders; they watched us grow from girls to women, they took us to drive-ins in Mustangs on summer nights.
Bestselling author of relationship books/American University professor
Mar 13, 2012, 11:34 AM EDT | Updated May 9, 2012
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Bestselling author of relationship books/American University professor
Can you love two people at once and stay married?
I have interviewed dozens of wives who love, or have loved, two men simultaneously. They have shared different strategies -- and different outcomes -- to this "euphoric, painful juggling act" as one 42-year-old wife put it. She says she "deeply loves" her husband of 20 years, father of her two young children, though is "madly in love" with her first boyfriend with whom she chatted all night at a recent high school reunion.
She wants to stay married and stay in touch with her teenage love, which she has, so far, kept as a "text- no-sex-affair." While the numerous conversations I've had with wives on this subject show there's not one surefire cure for this schism of the heart, here's one piece of advice that comes up a lot: It is possible to love more than one at a time if you love each person differently. Translation: It's rough on the psyche to have multiple sex partners unless you swing or come from a polygamous culture.
"My old boyfriend and I realized that we have to keep our revived love affair virtual," says the wife described above. "We had a lingering goodbye kiss -- okay a long make-out -- then when we got home we both realized, 'Put us in the same room and it is absolute, guaranteed disaster for our marriages.' So we communicate online, and maybe, someday we can meet again -- if I outlive my husband..." Her voice trails off.
There is often a powerful longing, and curiosity, about "the one who got away," the prom date who re-appears 10 or 30 years later -- with less hair and more belly but with the same penetrating eyes. Old boyfriends are our history-holders; they watched us grow from girls to women, they took us to drive-ins in Mustangs on summer nights.
The chapter on flirty friendships in my book " The Secret Lives of Wives " has prompted a deluge of mail from wives who swear by their boyfriends-with-boundaries, men they love in their hearts and not with their loins. These flirtations can spice up the gray corridors of a long marriage. Feeling sexually and cerebrally charged by others beyond a primary relationship is a natural response of the human animal. And when kept within limits, who can deny that it feels good?
Men we aren't married to find us smart and extraordinary because they don't live with us in the grind of ordinary life, with kids, mortgages and sinks strewn with toothpaste and their newly shaved facial hair. In old boyfriends, we find our lost youth; in new men friends, we get the endorphin rush of being on a first date. The trouble starts when sexual crackle between two people who aren't married to each other erupts into a roaring bonfire love, an urgent attraction that is both dangerous and delicious. These are the stories in the "Naughty Girls" chapter of my book, depicting wives who cross the line, propelled by a "passion I need and am not getting at home," as one woman accounts for her "justified" philandering .
This is a wife who is married to a man who has initiated sex "maybe four times" in 25 years of marriage, and each time was "cold and unsatisfying," she says. She doesn't want to divorce a man she loves as a friend, and who is a doting father and grandfather.
"What he doesn't know won't hurt him," she adds. "I feel like I'm getting the best of both worlds -- a stable family and passionate love. And so far I've been successful at compartmentalizing my two lives without suffering."
This woman is rare in that she possesses the compartmentalizing skills most prevalent in the male species. Most wives who speak to me about sleeping with men they aren't married to feel like their insides are being torn up. I hear the word "Xanax" a lot.
"Sleeping with two people at once is exhausting, torturing and makes you bitchy to your kids" is one common summation.
Acting out on forbidden love has been shaking up, and shattering, marriages since men and women first started forming permanent bonds. I can't interview women from prehistoric times who played around in the cave next door. Yet I bet their reflections wouldn't be that different than those of the modern women in " The Secret Lives of Wives ," who come from a plethora of experiences but agreed on one thing: There are no road maps to navigating illicit love. Only you know what you are capable of doing, without losing your mind.
Can you handle a secret second life? Are you willing to risk your marriage since most secrets get found out? Can you keep a sexy male friendship in the platonic state while feeling stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage? If that answer is "no," can you handle a divorce?
I know I leave you with more questions than answers on this subject that has fascinated writers like me for centuries. Yet there is one fact I know for certain: Fantasy is too often better than reality. A new boyfriend becomes an old boyfriend who probably shakes gross facial hair off his razor into the sink like that yucky husband of yours does. Holding a flirtation at arms length allows you to sustain the alluring mystery. This blogger's book, " The Secret Lives of Wives " can be found here, and she can be found on: www.iriskrasnow.com
Bestselling author of relationship books/American University professor
Truly
Published November 21, 2017
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Two men and one woman are tearing up relationship rules with a unique status - meet the ‘thruple.' Taking “three’s company” to a more intimate level, Cait Earnest shares an intimate one-bed apartment with her two boyfriends and their two adorable pups.
Her partners Chris and Matt, 28, Brandt - who are married - have been together for eight years and were exploring an open relationship when Cait, 28, met Chris, 38, on a dating app in 2015. When they realized that they had strong feelings for each other, Chris asked Matt if he could invite Cait into their relationship.
Chris explains: “Matthew had never had any experience with women before he’d met me. And before I met Matthew I had dated quite a few girls and quite a few guys. I suggested to Chris, ‘How would you feel about involving a woman in some fashion?’ At first he was completely opposed to the idea but after a while we talked about it and he warmed up to the idea.”
Before long the threesome, from New York, were smitten with each other and became inseparable. Nine months into their relationship with Cait, Matt and Chris tied the knot but they made sure Cait was right there with them.
While Chris and Cait are both bisexual, Matt identifies as homoflexible, meaning that he is flexible towards women, he just prefers men. Another issue the 'thruple' has faced was jealousy, because having to share Chris with Matt presented a challenge with Cait and vice versa.
Now that they have been living together for two years, the 'thruple' are even discussing future children. But, as Matt says, they have two dogs for now and that is enough.
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The 22-year-old marriage of a 60-year-old Lagos businessman, Mr Tunji Oyedele, may be dissolved over his wife’s alleged sexual recklessness and infidelity.
Oyedele told an Igando Customary Court in Lagos, on Wednesday, that his wife, Romoke, a 55-year-old trader, with whom he had four children, was promiscuous.
He said, “Whenever I travel, my wife brings men into our house; on two occasions, I caught my wife with her lovers in our bedroom.
“On one occasion, I came home unannounced and caught her with one of her lovers in our bedroom.
“On another occasion, I caught her with another man who she claimed was her Pastor.
“She claimed that the said Pastor wanted to take her to a river for a special bath to avert spiritual attack.”
The petitioner further alleged that his wife was fetish and was always in possession of different charms.
He said, “I see different strange objects in my bathing water, food and everywhere in the house.
“There was a day I entered her room in her absence and saw feathers tied with clothes and other diabolical objects.
“I believe that my persistent illness, which has deferred medical solution, is as a result of her fetish acts.
“I have been forced to leave my own house because I don’t want to die now.”
Oyedele presented the pictures of the charms as exhibits, and begged the court to dissolve the marriage as he was no longer in love.
Romoke, however, debunked the allegations, and stated that she and her husband had lived in peace until January 2016, when he married a new wife.
“My husband and I never fought; but immediately he married another woman, his attitude changed.
“His new wife accused me of sending hired killers to her and my husband turned me into a punching bag,” she said.
Romoke told the court that she was not adulterous.
She said, “The man my husband first saw in our bedroom was my classmate in primary school.
“The other man was my Pastor, who came for spiritual purpose.”
The respondent said that she was not ready to divorce her husband because she was still in love.
The court president, Mr Adegboyega Omilola, adjourned the case to March 7, for further hearing.
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