Why Women Moan During Sex
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Why Women Moan During Sex
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When you think of moaning during sex, you might envision an Oscar-worthy performance à la When Harry Met Sally , or friends “ Yes!” -ing in the background of a call with your mom in an effort to embarrass you. Or maybe you think of the other night when you let a noise slip mid-romp that—wait, actually made the moment so much hotter for the both of you?
Moaning during sex is basically a power-up in the bedroom. One breathless peep or guttural grunt typically serves as a nonverbal cue that things are going *great*, thanks. Letting out those hot and heavy noises can even point to a more satisfying sex life, according to one 2012 study published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships .
Still, the thought of adding a few moans to your romps can be stressful if you haven't done it before. I get it—the last thing you want is to sound like a bored adult film star trying to act like she’s actually turned on. And for some (especially those with ah, roommates), the thought of moaning during sex might send cringey shivers down your spine. No sweat.
A couple of sex experts are here to tell you everything you need to know about easing into the proverbial waters of hot and loud sex. Who knows? You might test out those vocal chords sooner than you think.
It’s pretty simple: You’re turned on. “Women moan during sex to communicate to their partners they’re enjoying what they are doing,” says Nicole Buratti , sex and relationship coach. Think of it as a nudge in the right direction, a pleasure-filled response that a partner is doing all of the right things. And let’s be real: It’s often an involuntary response to all that physical exertion. People don’t compare tennis grunts to sex moans for no reason, after all.
Not to kill the vibe, but people also moan when they’re uncomfortable or flat-out bored. “A partner shouldn’t have to decipher your pain moan from your pleasure moan,” says Laurie Mintz, PhD, author of Becoming Cliterate . If something hurts or feels meh, say so with your words and ask your partner to do the same for you.
“Some research says the deeper you are into the sexual experience, the less inhibited your sounds may be,” Mintz says. “Your own sounds may serve to enhance your own arousal.” The best sex is freeing, and moaning when the urge comes to you helps release your inhibitions (shout out Natasha Bedingfield) so you can be totally immersed in pleasure.
Letting out a few ooooohs can even make your other O bigger and better, Buratti says. “When a woman moans during sex, her throat opens, her breathing slows, and her pelvic floor muscles relax.” This, she says, can lead to a mind-blowing orgasm .
If it’s not your thing, no big deal. “There are people who are silent during sex and who don’t want to make noise—and that is completely fine,” Mintz says. “Noise helps some people turn on and experience pleasure, and for other people, it gets in the way.” Sometimes a loud moan (or a scream even) fits the mood, and sometimes you’d rather enjoy it quietly. Just do what feels good.
“Honestly, it’s the same thing that I recommend with getting comfortable with a lot of things: Try it on your own,” Mintz says. So, skip the porn research and go right for a test run instead. Next time you masturbate, let yourself moan. “Start with taking deep belly breaths and letting it out slowly with a sigh punctuating your breath,” Buratti suggests. See if it enhances the experience. Feel good? It’s worth a try when someone else is in the mix.
If you’re still unsure, bring it up with your partner first. “You can say, ‘Let’s talk about the noises we make during sex’ or ‘I think I want to try making more noises because I heard they were a turn on,’” Mintz says. It’ll be fun for you and fun for them. A win-win.
“If you’re sitting there thinking, ‘Is this a good moan? Is it loud enough? Too loud?’ You are not having the kind of moan that’s going to enhance your arousal,” Mintz says. “In any area of sex, there is rarely a one-size-fits-all.” Preach.
This is not the time to overthink. When you’re stuck in your head or critiquing your every move, it will take you right out of the moment. And trust me, there’s no fun in that. Or orgasms. Instead, take a deep breath (or two), lean into the moment, and let your body and mouth do what it wants.
Again, whatever noise spills out is bound to turn you both on. If you want to be specific, Buratti suggests "using your breath as the lead in your moaning. On the exhale, let your voice come out just a little. Think about sending your breath and your moan down to your pelvis.” It'll kind of feel like a meditative exercise or tantric sex.
When in doubt, let yourself be. “The deeper you are in the sexual experience, the less inhibited your sounds will be,” Mintz says.
Girl, don’t do it. Even if you’re guilty of it in the past, faking it won’t help your sex life. Moans can be positive reinforcement and give your guy a boost of confidence, but faking it sends a mixed signal. “By faking, we are teaching our partners to do exactly what doesn’t work for us," Mintz says. And you and your partner being on the same page sexually? That’s worth moaning about.
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Key points
A sexual experience can involve both pleasure and suffering expressed in moaning.
One benefit of sexual noises is that they can demonstrate that the partner is not indifferent.
One study found that many people moan to speed up their partner’s orgasm or to pretend they are reaching their peak.
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted April 16, 2019
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Reviewed by Davia Sills
“Moan or screamer? Well, neither . . . probably more of a moaner . . . I think I have a more guttural grunt when I orgasm . . . but fairly quiet until that point.” —A married woman
“I believe that screams are not genuine. I expect men to express their pleasure only in a few moans.” —A married woman
Many people associate moaning and screaming with pain. Why, then, should people make these noises while experiencing sexual pleasure? Are we not embarrassed to have such sounds coming out of our mouths?
“When I have feelings inside of me, they need to get out—making noise is a great way to do that.” —A woman
“I am a restrained woman, and so was my ex-husband—thus, we had complete silence in bed. Now with my new partner, I moan in a low voice, while my partner moans very loudly. I am a bit embarrassed to moan loudly.” —A divorced woman
The link between such noises and pain is longstanding: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a moan is “a long, low sound made by a person expressing physical or mental suffering or sexual pleasure”; and to scream is “to make a loud high cry because you are hurt, frightened, or excited.”
These definitions correspond with the characterization of noise as a loud or unpleasant sound that causes a disturbance. Can such sounds be part of enjoyable sex?
How can pain generate sexual pleasure?
“If I'm screaming, it's because my SO and I are having particularly rough and painful (in the good way) sex.” —A woman
Let’s first tackle the conceptual puzzle of how negative experiences, such as moans and screams, can be part of—and even enhance—positive sexual pleasure. Two phenomena are most relevant here: the feasibility of emotional ambivalence and the mechanism of arousal transfer.
In my book, The Arc of Love (2019), I emphasize the ambivalent nature of emotions in general and love in particular. Such ambivalence, which refers to experiencing negative and positive emotions at the same time, is common due to the partial nature of emotions. Emotions are partial in two senses: (a) They are focused on a narrow target, such as one person or very few people, and (b) they express a personal and interested perspective. Accordingly, each (partial) perspective may be appropriate, while no single perspective expresses an overriding emotional perspective. Thus, a widow attending the wedding of her daughter feels joy, but also sadness that her late husband, the father of the bride, is not present. Similarly, a sexual experience can involve both pleasure and suffering expressed in moaning.
In arousal transfer, arousal in one situation generates arousal in another. Thus, makeup sex takes place after an unpleasant, heated fight with a partner has created a gulf between the two and threatened the existence of the relationship; makeup sex reestablishes their bond in a very tangible manner. The high arousal state associated with the fight is transferred to a high arousal state during the makeup sex. Likewise, when one partner acts wildly, and even sadistically, the arousal underlying his anger can be transferred into sexual arousal. A subtler manner of increasing sexual arousal is teasing, which involves a gentle and humorous argument (simulating a “fight”) that increases sexual arousal.
The arousal transfer can also arise from positive emotions, such as enjoying a good dinner together and then experiencing intense sexual arousal.
“From beginning to end, I love the sexy voice exchange that whispers and purrs with heavy sighs of intensity and the sweet moaning of pleasure.” —A married woman
“Moaning is a way of reassuring your lover that he or she is pleasing you. You use all of your senses to have sex, and your audial senses should not be ignored! It’s important to make noises of pleasure so your partner isn’t put off thinking the wrong thing by silence.” —Trina
Moans and screams are types of noise; moans are low noises, whereas screams are loud ones. Noise, which is unwanted sound judged to be unpleasant, loud, or disruptive to hearing, has been described as the price we pay for getting what we want. Moans and screams seem to be types of noise, expressing pain and suffering. Is such noise essential for pleasurable sexual experiences, or is it a price we have to pay for getting sexual satisfaction?
A major benefit of sexual noises is that—if genuine—they demonstrate that the partner is not indifferent; in this sense, any noise is better than complete silence.
Consider the following views of women and men concerning whether sexual noise is a turn on for them (cited in Reddit, e.g., here and here ).
“For someone who watches porn on mute, I appreciate a little noise in my own bed so long as it is natural and not forced. I also appreciate feedback and moderate dirty talk.” —A woman
“I like my partner to be silent. How else can they fully focus on doing a good job? ;-)” —A woman
“My favorite noise that a woman makes in bed is a sudden declaration of "YES!!" As if her team just won a goal.” —A man
“I don't really care much if they're vocal or not. Even if they were vocal, I wouldn't hear it, because I'm probably the most vocal person during sex.” —A woman
“I prefer my partner to be mostly quiet. Noise interrupts my headspace. I loathe talking, especially dirty talk. I need to focus in order to have an orgasm. The occasional moan or sigh is fine.” —A woman
“I'm weirded out by people who don't make any noise during sex. I need some indication that you like what we're doing, c'mon.” —A woman
“I like a moderate amount of noise, also laughter is the best.” —A woman
“I don't mind a little noise, but if it turns into full-blown screaming, I don't think I would respond positively to that.” —A man
“I need noise, I need to hear moans, I need to know I'm doing the right things.” —A woman
“I'm not turned on by screaming, at all. It's distracting and unnecessary. Noise itself is fine, but I would doubt that anyone has such a strong orgasm that they're screaming.” —A man
“LOVE when my partner moans! I love a guy that makes noise in bed. Silence is strange.” —A woman
“Enough noise to get the mood just right. If he sounds like a buffalo, he gots to go.” —A woman
“Every little involuntary noise she makes when we have sex is solid gold. The more noise the better.” —A man
Most respondents consider the noise of moans and screams to be valuable communication. It seems that for most people, moderate noise is bliss, while complete silence is toxic. When it comes to sex, silence is far from golden.
“I'm dating a half-Japanese model. All good, as you'd expect. Except she hardly does more than sigh when she comes. Is it cultural, or am I, in fact, missing the mark?” —Anonymous man, cited in GQ magazine
We have seen that moderate moans and screams are quite beneficial for enhancing sexual satisfaction. However, are most moans and screams genuine? Apparently not.
Gayle Brewer and Colin Hendrie in their study of why women make noises during sex found that 66 percent of the respondents moan just to speed up their partner’s orgasm, while 87 percent moan to pretend they are reaching their peak. Brewer and Hendrie show a dissociation of the timing of women experiencing orgasm and making copulatory vocalizations, indicating that these vocalizations are at least partly under control, thus providing women with an opportunity to manipulate male behavior to their advantage. The study also shows that women moan whenever they are getting bored , tired, or uncomfortable during sex, just so the man gets turned on and climaxes faster. Thus, while female orgasms were most commonly experienced during foreplay, copulatory vocalizations were reported to be made most often before and simultaneously with male ejaculatio
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