Why Older Couples Don't Need to Get Married to Have Good Relationships
Having great relationships doesn't require marriage for older couples
During her marriage at age 22, retired election consultant Rochelle Ventura says she felt like a domestic slave. We were equals. Now 83 and living with Phil Doppelt, 82, a retired software engineer, she says, We were equals. Initially, I explained that it wasn't my responsibility to prepare dinner every night.
Separating their finances allows them to spend time at different residences, either in Los Angeles or San Jose. The couple has been finding love and joy together without getting married for more than a decade now. During our marriage, I felt as if I wasn't my own person, she says. I felt stuck. You can now leave if you want. With Phil, it's impossible to leave.
A demographic and social wave is sweeping through Ventura and Doppelt. According to Bowling Green sociologist Susan L. Brown, "Older adults are at the forefront of family change," the social landscape for older couples has changed dramatically over the last two decades. The divorce rate after 50 doubled between 1990 and 2010 and has remained at record levels, she says. The result? More older singles.
Women and men are finding each other in unprecedented numbers and in unconventional ways, whether it's online, at the gym, or in church. In the past two decades, the remarriage rate has remained steady, but cohabitation rates have more than tripled among people over 50, according to Brown. The number of LAT couples (long-term committed couples living apart together) is scarce, but sociologist Huijing Wu found that in 2011 a third of Wisconsin's unmarried but partnered adults over 50 lived apart from each other.
These couples don't just differ in the way they partner. Researchers at Boston University have studied re-partnered older couples and found they are more likely to be financially equal, more autonomous and freer from gender roles than younger couples. According to Carr, the same applies whether they are remarried or cohabiting. Carr has not studied LATs. Nonetheless, living apart together is built upon autonomy and equality.
As part of the picture, Carr says, social attitudes are changing as well. Once cohabitation was stigmatized as living in sin or as less than marriage. Even if some still disapprove, many older adults do not mind. As I am 60 years old, I will do as I please.
The real difference between these couples is that they are not raising children or accumulating wealth together. It's common for married couples to keep their finances separate. According to Pennsylvania certified elder-law attorney Tammy A. Weber, this is true for over 75% of her clients. A majority of people want to pass on their assets to their children. It is common for people to retain Social Security benefits or alimony. However, fiscal impacts are only part of the reason they keep their money separate.
Maryan Jaross, 68, of Louisville, Colo., for example, built a successful career after her divorce and gained independence and autonomy, she says. The last thing I wanted to do was give it up. Despite having a thousand pairs of shoes, I can buy a pair of shoes. Tom Lepak, 65, works for an industrial construction company as a sales representative. She built a legal barrier between their finances in part because of this.
Many women, like Jaross, have achieved economic independence, have been able to establish equal relationships and are determined to do so. https://www.bangro.co/lifestyle/over-50-dating-sites-cost-of-memberships/ does the laundry and cleans up after she cooks. Aside from making the bed and doing yard work, he also likes to spend time outdoors. Both companies hire people to do jobs they don't want to do. Our lack of kids and obligations is a huge advantage, says she. Couples now have a different mindset.
Partners like these feel no obligation to operate as a unit when they visit family, friends, or travel. In Jaross and Lepak's case, for example, some of their children attend separate events, some together. Hell spend a week with his brother in the East; Shell visits her mother in New York for a month. Occasionally, Doppelt and Ventura travel separately. Doppelt will be hiking in South Dakota with five other guys while Ventura will be touring Cuba with women friends. He told me it was fine to travel separately. It's hard to imagine that feeling when I was previously married.
Living in one's own home (and expecting to do so for several years) is associated with the least traditional relationships and the greatest amount of freedom. They can avoid a conflict over all the habits, needs, and people in their lives accumulated over the years by living apart. Is he a morning person and she sleeps late? No problem. He requires a thermostat set to 65 degrees, but she's miserable unless it's set to 75 degrees? Not an issue. Her grandkids regularly run riot in the house? Hey, its her house. Since many have lived alone for years, they need their solitude and space.
Neither Jeff Ostroff nor the woman he describes as his second love live together in suburban Philadelphia. Stroff, who is in his late sixties, is busy working, surfing social media, exercising, and serving his community. He also spends time with friends and his children. He and his girlfriend of more than six years talk several times a day and video-chat for over an hour at a time, but they often see each other only at weekends. As a result of spending time alone during the week, he can then devote almost all of his time to her.
Whether a couple marries, lives together or apart, the depth of their emotional affection is what truly distinguishes them. People often change after a major life transition, such as having children or an empty nest. They know exactly who they are and what they need. Their priorities are clear to them. When Teresa Cooney compared later-life remarriages to first marriages, she discovered these older couples are better at problem solving and argue less.
Even though older adults feel no pressure to re-partner, if they choose to do so, they pick someone who suits their lifestyle. She thought her first husband would be a good father, and he was. He was, however, not the right mate for midlife and beyond. The relationship, companionship, and emotional support are the only things that unite couples who partner later in life.
Researchers from Haifa University found that in remarried older couples each spouse felt more equal within their relationship, creating a deepening of intimacy and equality. Torbjorn Bildtgard, a sociologist at Stockholm University who has studied romantic partnerships after 60, says that time acts paradoxically on older couples. While they have more leisure time together, they also have more independence. They are, however, aware that their time together will be limited. They feel extremely grateful to have found each other. They cherish their love.
Lepak expresses it this way. Rather than focus on the end result, he says, we try to make the most of every moment we have together. The fact that we've found our soul mate makes us feel blessed.