Why Not Be Porn

Why Not Be Porn

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Porn may not be on most parents' list of things they need to discuss with their children, but it probably needs to be.
Erotic images are available anywhere there's internet and a device.
Some kids use adult entertainment as a source of information and education about sex.
By not addressing the existence of pornography, parents may be leaving kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues.

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Mental Health

Addiction

Anxiety

ADHD

Asperger's

Autism

Bipolar Disorder

Chronic Pain

Depression

Eating Disorders

Personality

Passive Aggression

Personality

Shyness

Personal Growth

Goal Setting

Happiness

Positive Psychology

Stopping Smoking

Relationships

Low Sexual Desire

Relationships

Sex

Family Life

Child Development

Parenting

Talk to Someone

Find a Therapist

Find a Treatment Center

Find a Psychiatrist

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Trending Topics

Coronavirus Disease 2019

Narcissism

Dementia

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Neuroscience

The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.

Posted October 14, 2022

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Reviewed by Devon Frye

Last week, I had an interview scheduled with essayist Rebecca Morrison. We planned to discuss body image for an article she’s writing, so I did what I do: I searched the web for her previous work. The following title, published in Salon , popped onto my screen: “Why I Started Watching Porn When I Turned 50.”
Huh? The subtitle read, “I suspected my teens knew more about porn than me. I didn't want to talk to them about it until I did some research.” OK, I was intrigued. While pornography had zero to do with our discussion topic, I couldn’t resist.
Rebecca wrote that she’d wanted to “satisfy her curiosity” and be knowledgeable for her teens. By the end, she’d reported learning, for example: why porn's so popular, the difference between "soft" porn vs. other ratings, how adult entertainment widely influenced personal hygiene styles, and how to find female-friendly sites with ethically-sourced porn (e.g., respectful and consenting, legally made, and celebrating sexual diversity). That all got me thinking.
I realized that my primary education in erotica happened in college in the 90s. Back then, to attain videos such as Mummy Dearest or Chatterbox (yup, her vagina spoke), we’d have to work for it. We’d physically get in a car and drive to a local video store. Then, there’d be that “back room” with the black curtain. We’d scan the store to make sure no one was looking and then we’d almost jump behind the fabric. With a racy video finally in hand, there’d be one more step to get the porn back to the dorm. We’d head to the checkout counter where (probably to make us goodie-goodies squirm) we’d hear, for example, “Your Edward Penishands is due back on Monday.” (Did he have to say the title so loudly?)
Notice all the effort that went into attaining erotica? None of that’s needed nowadays. Online, kids may accidentally type the wrong address or a well-intended search term that results in porn images. Kids can also get random adult entertainment popups. Pornography is available anywhere there's the internet and a device, such as at home, school, a classmate’s tablet, or a playground.
For adults, pornography use tends to be personal and often secret, and may be associated with feelings of shame. It makes sense that parents and guardians might prefer to avoid the topic with their kids. Yet, by not addressing porn, you may be leaving your kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues—possibly even legal problems.
According to a study published in 2022, of the 385 undergraduates surveyed, “28.2 percent of males and 23.7 percent of females recalled their exposure [to porn] as occurring between 9 and 11 years" of age. A small number of participants were exposed even earlier.
Though COVID and lockdowns could have blown up the ability to trust existing studies and data, so far, research indicates that porn use by minors has remained fairly steady.
Various studies confirm that youngsters sometimes use pornography as a source of information and education about sex. A 2017 synthesis of articles, published by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, offered the following key messages:
While many parents hope and believe their kids won’t fall prey to influences based on violence or fantasy , that's not necessarily the case. For instance, a 2019 study suggested that exposure to violent porn may be one risk factor for teen dating violence (TDF). In the study, female adolescents who were exposed to violent porn were “over 1.5 times as likely to perpetrate physical and threatening TDV, whereas male adolescents who were exposed were over 3 times as likely to perpetrate sexual TDV.”
It may also be important to consider the various styles of sex that kids may be exposed to through porn, especially those that it's especially important to be thoughtful, safe, and mindfully consenting about (e.g., BDSM ).
Yes, the ongoing, built-in risk of kids witnessing adult sexualized stills and videos leaves a lot to discuss with innocent, young minds. When the time is appropriate, consider the following.
Please do what you need to ensure you can have the healthiest and most honest, helpful, protective, and shame-free conversation possible with your kid(s).
This blog is for informational purposes and does not provide therapy or professional advice.
Bernstein, S., Warburton, W., Bussey, K., & Sweller, N. (2022). Mind the gap: Internet pornography exposure, influence and problematic viewing amongst emerging adults. Sexuality, Research and Social Policy. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-022-00698-8
Bőthe, B., Vaillancourt-Morel, M. P., Dion, J., Paquette, M. M., Massé-Pfister, M., Tóth-Király, I., & Bergeron, S. (2022). A Longitudinal study of adolescents' pornography use frequency, motivations, and problematic use before and during the COVID-19 pandemic. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51 (1), 139–156. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02282-4
British Board of Film Classification. (n.d.) New research commissioned by the BBFC into the impact of pornography on children demonstrates significant support for age-verification. https://www.bbfc.co.uk/about-us/news/children-see-pornography-as-young-…
Jochen, P. & Valkenburg, P. M., (2016). Adolescents and pornography: A review of 20 years of research. Journal of Sex Research, 53 (4-5), 509-531. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2016.1143441
Morrison, R. (2022, April 16). Why I started watching porn when I turned 50: I suspected my teens knew more about porn than me. I didn't want to talk to them about it until I did some research. Salon.com
Perry, D. L. (2016). The impact of pornography on children. American College of Pediatricians. https://acpeds.org/position-statements/the-impact-of-pornography-on-chi…
Quadara, A., El-Murr. A., & Latham, J. (2017). The effects of pornography on children and young people: An evidence scan. Melbourne, Australian Institute of Family Studies.
Rostad, W. L., Gittins-Stone, D., Huntington, C., Rizzo, C. J., Pearlman, D., & Orchowski, L. (2019). The association between exposure to violent pornography and teen dating violence in grade 10 high school students. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48 (7), 2137–2147. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-1435-4
Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, MA, LMFT, LPCC, CEDS-S, is the author of MeaningFULL: 23 Life-Changing Stories of Conquering Dieting, Weight, and Body Image Issues.

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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.

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Society says it's fine for partners to watch porn, but research says otherwise. Learn the facts here about how porn can affect relationships.
This article contains affiliate links. Fight the New Drug may receive financial support from purchases made using affiliate links.
Do you think porn isn’t a big deal in a relationship?
In recent years, many online articles and social media accounts have focused on normalizing porn and promoting the idea that most people “just can’t help themselves.” These articles tell partners that they just need to accept that their significant other watches it and that’s not a big deal. But is it?
One now-ancient article on a site called “Total Sorority Move,” for example, represents many misconceptions surrounding porn. The article, titled Should You Let Your Boyfriend Watch Porn? starts by telling girls that their boyfriends most definitely watch porn, and if he says different, he’s lying. It then goes on to say that boyfriends watching porn is completely normal—in essence, that boys will be boys— and that girls should consider joining in.
“Upon sneakily asking my friends about porn, more than half of them said they not only watch porn, but would—if they hadn’t already—watch it with their boyfriends. Still think it’s super weird and that I’m most likely a crazed sex-addict? Sit back while your man watches two people do the dirty and let me tell you why it isn’t so bad.”
The article lists 10 reasons why girls should be okay with their boyfriends watching porn.
With each point sharing more misinformation than the next, we have decided to talk about each point, responding with research and reason. While this “sorority move” article and our response talk about heterosexual guys and their relationships, the same principles can be applied to any relationship involving any genders.
We’ve listed the original article’s points first, and responded afterward. These are 10 reasons why you don’t have to be okay with your partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, or otherwise, watching porn:
1. He’s Not Cheating
Wouldn’t you rather he watch it than partake in it? You look at celebrities. You look at other guys. Go take a Xanax and chill because he’s not doing anything wrong.
Our response: Your boundaries and comfort matter.
Is watching porn cheating on your partner ? It’s not an easy question, and everyone has their own opinion based on their own personal experiences with porn. But are there any concrete answers? The answer is, not exactly. There is not one objective answer to this complicated question because every couple is different, has unique standards, and has its own set of boundaries. And that’s the point—your boundaries and the boundaries of your partner matter. Communicating your boundaries is an important aspect of any healthy relationship. If you are uncomfortable with porn in your relationship, that is perfectly valid. Ultimately it’s up to you and your partner to decide what is best for your relationship.
It’s not our job as an organization to dictate what people’s rules and boundaries are in a relationship, but we do exist to educate on the harmful effects of porn and the harms it can have in relationships, including when one partner in a relationship watches it after agreeing not to . Of course, we hope that everyone reading this will understand the potential risks of porn in a relationship , but that is up to each individual to decide for themself.
The best thing you can do if you’re wondering whether your significant other feels the same about porn being equal to cheating is to have a clear, honest conversation and agree on something together.
2. He Knows It’s Fake
Any mentally stable guy knows that porn is fictional. I don’t know about you, but I would rather him watch another girl do some of these things than do them myself.
According to a nationally representative survey of U.S. teens, 84.4% of 14 to 18-year-old males and 57% of 14 to 18-year-old females have viewed pornography. That means that most young people are getting at least some of their education about sex from porn, whether they mean to or not. Wright, P. J., Paul, B., & Herbenick, D. (2021). Preliminary insights from a U.S. probability sample on adolescents’ pornography exposure, media psychology, and sexual aggression. J.Health Commun., 1-8. doi:10.1080/10810730.2021.1887980 Copy 1 In fact, one study shows that approximately 45% of teens who consumed porn did so in part to learn about sex. British Board of Film Classification. (2020). Young people, pornography & age-verification. BBFC. Retrieved from https://www.bbfc.co.uk/about-classification/research Copy 2 Similarly, survey results also show one in four 18 to 24-year-olds listed pornography as the most helpful source to learn how to have sex. Rothman, E. F., Beckmeyer, J. J., Herbenick, D., Fu, T. C., Dodge, B., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2021). The Prevalence of Using Pornography for Information About How to Have Sex: Findings from a Nationally Representative Survey of U.S. Adolescents and Young Adults. Archives of sexual behavior, 50(2), 629–646. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01877-7 Copy 3
It’s no secret that porn is wildly unrealistic and often incredibly toxic, yet survey results also showed that over half of 11 to 16-year-old boys (53%) and over a third of 11 to 16-year-old girls (39%) reported believing that pornography was a realistic depiction of sex. Martellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). 'I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it'. London: NSPCC. Retrieved from https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/2016/i-wasn-t-sure-it-was-normal-to-watch-it Copy 4
The same survey also showed that 44% of boys who watched porn reported that online pornography gave them ideas about the type of sex they wanted to try. Martellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). 'I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it'. London: NSPCC. Retrieved from https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/2016/i-wasn-t-sure-it-was-normal-to-watch-it Copy 5
While some people may argue, That’s not a big deal, it’s just fantasy , research shows that porn’s influence can and does find its way into young people’s sexual expectations and behaviors. Koletić G. (2017). Longitudinal associations between the use of sexually explicit material and adolescents' attitudes and behaviors: A narrative review of studies. Journal of adolescence, 57, 119–133. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2017.04.006 Copy 6 Peter, J., & Valkenburg, P. M. (2016). Adolescents and pornography: A review of 20 years of research.53(4-5), 509-531. doi:10.1080/00224499.2016.1143441 Copy
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