Why Men Like Porno

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Why Men Like Porno
Why Do Men Watch Porn: The Real Truth
Last Updated: January 18, 2021 Zoe Lynn
What every man needs before committing to a relationship
There are two reasons why you clicked this article: Your man is watching porn and your concern for this “hobby” is growing. You want to figure out men’s fascination with it, and understand why do men watch porn.
Whichever of the two you’re here for, you came to the right place.
Today we’re getting down and dirty (pun not intended) and dig into the roots of this fascination.
Ultimately, I want us to discover whether you should be worried porn will ruin your relationship.
I have to admit while doing research for this article, I started off by reading about the cons of pornography. And boy, are there plenty.
But after several extremely strong-minded websites, I’ve concluded that…
…A lot of people get their proverbial panties in a twist over pornography.
I don’t want to take sides, but reading various sources made me feel not only guilty for thinking porn is harmless but also a little trapped.
It’s no wonder so many women are confused, undecided and even frightened by porn, and how it affects their love life.
It actually took me some time to get my mind back on track about my own attitude towards porn.
Everyone involved in this debate needs to stop demonizing porn (the “safe” one that is. I won’t be discussing illegal pornography here).
And those who read said opinions need to take them with a grain of salt and draw their own conclusions.
So, I want to help you form your own opinion, and ease some of your doubts and fears.
I believe it’s safe to say that yes, they do .
Or at least a large majority of them.
Statistics show that around 70% of men watch porn regularly, but that their watching habits differ from what women perceive them to be.
With porn magazines and DVD films almost extinct, most guys are balls deep in the era of free online porn.
It’s less costly, there’s more of it, and it’s more anonymous than getting a magazine from a newsstand.
Mike South, an online porn producer, describes it: “We had a goose that was laying golden eggs at one point in time. We were going around collecting the eggs but we didn’t really protect the goose.”
A single click can take us to any site, with fetishes and preferences we never knew existed.
When it’s so easy to reach it why wouldn’t people want to watch?
Though, to be honest, the problem isn’t if they watch it, but for how long .
Science actually has a great explanation. Men are hard-wired for sexual novelty and the unending supply of online porn hijacks their natural sexual system.
When they first start watching it, the brain releases dopamine, a hormone that controls the pleasure and reward centers in the brain.
The dopamine hit that porn generates has them coming back to it, over and over again.
And after years of consuming pornography, they need stronger and stronger doses of it.
Nude images, bare chest, or naked butts no longer do the trick.
So with each new visit, their brains begin to look for more and more graphic content, in hopes of getting more and more dopamine.
This is because the dopamine receptors in their brains become desensitized over time. So normal amounts of dopamine no longer generate the same pleasure sensation.
The pleasure hormone is released every time men get sexually stimulated by the sight of a naked woman or a sexual act.
Before online porn, the only time men could experience this was either through a dirty magazine or actually sleeping with a girl.
But the difference is that the supply was limited to a single (or more) magazines, and not unlimited like with online porn.
And since porn nowadays is available to anyone, whoever needs it, gets their fix of dopamine with a single click.
While there is a trend to present porn as something as equivalent to cheating, it’s not .
Many of my male friends talked about their favorite female porn stars while in relationships.
And I haven’t really seen any physical similarities between those women and their girlfriends…
Nor do they seem to neglect their girlfriends, either in bed, or otherwise.
There are anonymous online accounts of people who became so engrossed with porn, they became infatuated with their favorite actors.
After some time, it was no longer important whether or not the sexual act in the video was violent, fetishistic to the point of weirdness, or disrespectful to men or women.
As long as the actor or actress was in there, that was all that mattered.
While watching porn is far from cheating , the reason why he watches is more important.
Most often than not, they just find them beautiful, sexy, and a means of fulfilling fantasies they don’t really express in real life.
These porn actors could be doing things men wish they could do in real life with their girlfriends.
The situations in the videos could be their secret desires: a high school gym where he’s the jock, or the excitement of a quickie in a public place, or in the back of a car.
The most important thing is not to jump to conclusions.
There is a myriad of reasons why he would watch porn, and fretting over it will only make it worse.
I know that whatever I say won’t change your mind so easily.
Nor will you immediately feel at ease, knowing there is nothing wrong with your man.
It’s something that takes time and active involvement.
So how should you approach the issue?
What I can advise is that you try and talk to him.
How would you feel if someone approached you about your private sexual matters?
It’s always a touchy subject and should be handled with care.
However, if he doesn’t want to talk, leave him be. Simply express your concern calmly, so he’s aware of it.
Otherwise, he’ll feel attacked, accused and shunned, which will only make him shut himself off more.
You need to think it out with yourself why you perceive porn as cheating.
I’ve already explained that there is no infidelity involved when your man watches porn.
He might be biased towards some actresses, but he ultimately watches for the fulfilment of his own fantasies.
That is the perfect time to put your thinking cap on and figure out what had changed about your relationship lately.
If you’ve noticed a significant change in him, don’t avoid analyzing the relationship overall.
Because while you were worrying that masturbating to porn is a sign of cheating, the following actual, serious consequences of overusing porn could be happening:
There are some clear signs that your man is a porn addict, which you can read about in more detail here .
However, when he starts watching porn more and more often, up to the point of regular sex not being enough… something is really wrong.
While porn consummation in itself is harmless, when taken to extremes it can ruin relationships.
Spouses feel neglected, not good enough, and emotionally unfulfilled.
Believe it or not, erectile dysfunction is a real problem here.
Sexual arousal is dictated by…you guessed it, dopamine.
When a man watches too much porn, and makes his “dopamine threshold” higher, regular sex just doesn’t arouse him anymore.
Not to mention it’s one of the reasons why some people have an abnormally low libido.
Excessive porn use leads to estrangement.
Men who turn to porn in a relationship tend to compensate for something that is missing.
And while this fixation makes them happy for a few minutes, they are then thrown back to real life.
And so they seek out more of it, more eager to avoid the problems than solve them, and sink into mild depression.
Women then turn their heads and start to experience lower self-esteem, all because of the belief that he’s unhappy with their sex life, when the problem is wholly different.
On a slightly farther side of the spectrum, research conducted in 2013 suggested that porn addicts aren’t really… addicts.
It argued that unlike drug addicts whose brain activity spiked when shown images of drugs, porn addicts revealed no change when looking at sexual content.
In fact, their brain function hardly changes from, say, looking at images of food.
This supports the fourth problem, which is desensitization; porn becomes a compulsive need, like checking your phone every two minutes, rather than an addiction.
Without even knowing it, men can actually begin to objectify women on a much greater scale.
Some describe this porn-induced phenomenon as seeing people as a collection of appealing body parts rather than actual people.
While this is more likely to happen with teenagers and young adults, men who have no way of meeting, flirting, and sleeping with real women, are more likely to carry the problem over to adulthood.
Plenty of things could be wrong in a relationship that makes a man seek an escape online.
And now that we know porn is used as an easy fix for unpleasant feelings, we can observe the following issues in a different light.
Don’t worry, not everything is as bad as you fear.
It turns out that porn viewing is simply a consequence, a signal that something is wrong with the chemistry between you two.
And the best part is, a lot of the time, it’s actually fixable.
All it takes is some time and effort from both parties.
Try to do this without addressing his porn-watching habits.
As I mentioned, he’ll most likely feel attacked and shamed for it, instead of feeling your concern.
It’ll feel like you’re taking the high ground, proving yourself the better person for not needing it.
Create a safe, trusting atmosphere where he’ll be comfortable being open about the relationship issues.
Let him know you’re concerned and come from a place where you’ll do your part to fix whatever may be broken .
This is essential to identifying what went wrong and where.
Find hobbies and activities that you’ll both be engaged in.
One of the reasons he’s so estranged could be because you’re essentially two strangers.
When a couple is two individuals going about their day and meeting only at night, how does that create a strong partnership?
Such an environment won’t get either of you to talk about the problems you face.
And if you do, it’s more likely you’ll fight instead of being constructive.
If you’re the more dominant one in the relationship, think about toning it down a little.
When you put up a wall around yourself, not just for others, but for him as well, it hurts your ability to communicate with each other.
Take a step back and assess where you could be more open, and more encouraging of discussion.
Do this with your man and everyone around you.
We have a tendency to refuse help and show what strong women we are, and in that display, we push it to the extreme.
He won’t think less of you if he sees your vulnerable side.
You need to put in effort just as much as he does.
There are many things you can try out:
BDSM, flirting in public like high-schoolers, roleplay, new positions.. .
Throw in some dirty talking in any (or all) of these, and, gradually, you’ll bring him back from the screen.
If all else fails, go to a professional for help.
Marriage and relationship counseling is there for a reason.
It will cushion all the potentially devastating fights, and direct you both towards finding a healthy resolution.
There is no shame in seeing a therapist. It’s either that or watching your relationship deteriorate before your very eyes.
I hope my words provided some relief, or at least shed some light on the issue of men and porn.
As I read the article, I kept hoping I managed to drive one point across: we have to stay informed.
Porn is the symptom, not the disease.
My whole point was to present just how complex and deeply rooted this issue is.
How we can help our men when they’re stuck in this dopamine-chasing cycle.
Self-doubt will lead to accusations and shame. It will drive the two of you apart faster than if he actually did cheat.
Sex and our sexual drive are a normal part of our lives.
Let’s stop blaming everything on it.
I mentioned dirty talking above. Learn more about how dirty talking can get your man to open up to you, and bring his sexual fantasies to life, and away from his secretive porn habit.
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This anonymous guy doesn't claim to speak for all men—just most of them. Here's a peek into what's going on in front of those glowing screens, and what it might mean about your relationship.
The other day I was texting with my friend Max. Max is a fake name, which I'm using because what Max and I were texting about was porn . (And yeah, that's why I'm anonymous here too.) I wrote, "Want to come over tomorrow night and watch the Mets game?" Max responded, "No, can't, in Chicago for business." And I replied, "Okay, have fun in your dimly lit hotel room with a hot laptop in your lap watching YouPorn." And Max texted back, "Um, that's literally what I'm doing right now." And I texted back, "Ew."
If you're also like, " Ew ?" Well, yeah, ew . Guilty as charged. Max and I are both happily married , monogamous men who had never talked about porn before. The fact that we felt perfectly safe joking about it anyway just proves how pervasive this stuff is. The reach and breadth and extraordinary ease of consuming pornography is so massive, it penetrates every tiny corpuscle of our media-saturated lives (last time I use the word penetrate , promise!). And I would make the argument that 1) your husband probably watches porn and 2) it doesn't mean he's a perverted freak. He's probably pretty normal.
I can just hear you now. Oh, no , you're thinking. Not my Jason! Not my Brian! My Charles doesn't watch that filthy stuff! And maybe you're right. Maybe your Charles doesn't watch pornography. Maybe your Charles doesn't like it. Maybe he doesn't indulge in the fetid pleasures of the self at all. Or maybe, if he does, all your Charles needs as an erotic aide is a photograph of you guys feeding each other cake on your wedding day. Congratulations! But don't get all superior, because various studies suggest that anywhere between 50 and 99 percent of men watch porn. And I'd bet on the higher end—who do you think lies on surveys: people who are embarrassed to say they watch porn or people who are embarrassed to say they don't? If you think about it in aggregate, men could probably be curing cancer and winning Candy Crush at the same time if we didn't spend so much time watching XXX videos. But best not to think about it. No one should contemplate the collective sound of 113 million one-hand-clappings.
But wait , you're thinking. It's not okay! Pornography is a kind of cheating! Pornography is a gateway drug to orgies with strippers! Actually, it isn't. A seven-minute clip of "Bored Housewife Gets Delivery of Sausage Pizza" is not what leads you to meet your coworker at a Red Roof Inn. As a married guy, I can tell you that having another emotional relationship is not my fantasy when I watch porn. My fantasy is less relationship—and pornography is zero relationship. "As far as a correlation between people consuming a normal amount of pornography and being unfaithful," say the husband-and-wife couples counselors Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz, both Ph.D.s who've spent the last 33 years interviewing thousands of couples about marital issues, "we just don't see it."
Elizabeth adds, "If it's not compulsive, if it's not an addiction , if it's not a transgressive, hard-core pornography that hurts anyone, and most important, if you're otherwise happy in your marriage and your sex life, then there's nothing to worry about."
But why do you do it? you wonder. If it's not because you're going to sleep with other people or you're hiding a secret yen for sadomasochism, why do happily married guys want to watch strange women have sex? Well, because we can. When I turned 14, it was like a switch had been thrown and I became a kind of Walking Dead zombie, only instead of eating brains I just desperately needed to see breasts. It's why I sat through stultifying, boring soft-core porn movies on late-night Showtime in the '80s. It's why I stood at the drugstore helplessly staring at issues of Playboy magazine that stood only feet in front of me but might as well have been a thousand miles away. But now? It's like a friend used to say about not buying ice cream: It's easier to say no at the grocery store than every time you walk into the kitchen. In 2015, every time we open our computers, we are walking into a proverbial kitchen stocked with more kinds and flavors of ice cream than you could possibly consume.
It's not all about physical gratification, though, says David Greenan, a family and couples therapist in New York City who's been treating people in relationships for more than 20 years: "People do it to escape. To escape the moment. To escape their minds. To deal with anxiety, loneliness, feelings of inadequacy"—you know, being a human being on Earth. I have to admit that this is true for me. I sometimes fire up the PornHub for the same reason I compulsively check my email or sports scores or anything else on my phone: to escape the discomfort of having to be where I am, to fight the boredom of ordinary life.
Even if you don't think porn is cheating , you may wonder, What about me? Aren't I good enough? The experts I spoke with all confirmed that porn can make wives feel inadequate or unattractive. I swear to you, those things aren't related. We can find you hot as hell and still enjoy imagining having sex with other women. Being a good and faithful mate is not about denying there's a little part of your brain that thinks about having sex with other people; it's knowing that acting on it isn't going to make you happy at all. And as far as sexual fantasies go, I'd argue that porn is less problematic than my wife's fantasy about my coworker Kevin, which she has admitted to me more than once (FYI, once really would have been enough). Because porn isn't real. In fact, porn is extremely fake. "Men," Charles says, stating what I think to be one of the most obvious and in some ways sad facts about the male condition, "are more likely—and more able—than women to use sex for simple physical pleasure."
Several studies have shown that pornography can actually have a positive impact. One 2007 study found that "many young Danish adults believe that pornography has had primarily a positive effect on various aspects of their live." If you're scared that your guy's predilection for porn will harm his performance in the bedroom, think again: a 2015 study also concluded that viewing sexual stimuli (a.k. a. things that turn you on) "is unlikely to negatively impact sexual functioning..." because "responses actually were stronger in those who viewed more VSS [visual sexual stimuli]."
So if you're still thinking, It's gross! It's dumb! It's unenthusiastic actors having mindless sex in front of cameramen who are probably wearing jeans shorts! We men would entirely agree. Watching it lowers us even in our own estimation. Knowing that regardless of how sophisticated we believe we are, we're still just Neanderthals inside is humbling. It's one of the reasons I'm not arguing that you have to be pro-porn. If you find pornography abhorrent on principle, that's more than understandable. The point isn't that it's awesome; it's that, again, it's like ice cream. Your husband's habit of consuming it isn't necessarily great for him, but it's a pleasure impulse that isn't easy to turn off—or that you'd want us to completely turn off.
Why? Because it's a relatively healthy secret , and in marriage, secrets allow us to have separate selves. I don't mean having a secret second family i
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