Why During Orgasm I Can T Hear

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If you just can't orgasm for whatever reason, you're not alone. 15% of women have difficulty reaching orgasm, and 10% have never had an orgasm during sex, according to a survey from Planned Parenthood. Plus, according to a new study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior that surveyed 52,588 adults, just 65% of heterosexual women said they're always able to achieve orgasm. On the other hand, 95% of straight men said they always reach the big O. That's a discrepancy some call the orgasm gap.
As common as it may be, women who struggle to climax tend to keep quiet about it. “There’s a lot of shame around it, and not a lot of info about how common it is,” says Emily Morse, sex and relationship expert and host of the podcast Sex with Emily. Many women never seek help to figure out the root cause of the problem, whether it’s emotional or physical, and they wind up racked with anxiety and feelings of inadequacy.
The good news is that the body can learn how to orgasm. Here, sexual health experts outline the steps to take to prep your body for climax.
One important and empowering thing to realize is that your orgasms are your responsibility, says Morse. Some women believe it’s up to their partner to make them have an orgasm, and it will somehow magically happen when they jump into bed together. “That’s not going to happen,” says Morse. “You have to become an expert of your own body first, by learning how to touch yourself, where to touch yourself, what feels good, and how to bring yourself to your own orgasm.”
Take some you-time to explore your body, without fixating on having an orgasm, says Morse. “Run your hands all over your body, your nipples, really find your erogenous zones.”
And don’t forget about your clitoris. Lauren Streicher, MD, author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health and Your Best Sex Ever says many of her patients who've struggled to climax never realized that orgasm is most likely to be achieved through clitoral stimulation. If you’re still a little unsure what to do down there, Morse recommends starting off by “touching it with light strokes,” then “playing around with different pressures, different speeds, and different motions” until you figure out your sweet spot.
Sex toys may help push you over the orgasm edge. “Many studies show that using a vibrator can increase the likelihood of orgasm,” says Dr. Streicher. She also points out that toys are totally normal, and great tools for enhancing your sex life, both solo and with a partner.
Everyone has a different preference when it comes to toys and vibrators, but Morse recommends trying a bullet vibrator ($12; amazon.com) or her new fave, the Gvibe G Ring Rose Finger Vibrator ($28; amazon.com), which you can take literally anywhere (not that we’re suggesting any, ahem, risky business.)
Morse is also a strong advocate of lube. “Women get wet at different rates and different times, depending on their bodies,” says Morse. So add a couple drops of lube, such as the LifeStyles SKYN Maximum Performance Personal Lubricant ($10; amazon.com), to your masturbation routine or during sex to get you going and really enhance the experience. Based on the ladies Emily has worked with, "women who use lube are more likely to orgasm than women who don’t.”
Easier said than done, right? Whether your brain is preoccupied with all the errands you need to run post-romp, or you’re straight up stressing that you’ll fail at climaxing (again!), all that mental gymnastics is a surefire way to orgasm-block yourself.
“Mindset is a huge part of sexual pleasure and orgasm, so if you’re distracted or in your mind telling yourself it’s not going to happen, that can keep you from having an orgasm.” says Morse. “The trick is to tackle your tension before you get into the bedroom or before you masturbate, whether that’s through meditation or exercise, just try to unwind.”
You’ve heard it time and time again, but it’s absolutely true that your brain is the most important sex organ, and a major part of arousal. So before you get into bed, “Start thinking about things that turn you on—maybe that’s by watching porn or remembering a past sexual experience,” says Morse. “When your brain is on board, it makes it easier for your body to follow."But if you’re still having trouble tuning in, try to find a way to bring yourself back into the moment. “Really focus on the sensations you’re feeling in your body, or have a mantra you keep telling yourself like ‘this feels good, I have all night,’” advises Morse. “Or focus on your partner—touch them, hold on to them, and connect with them.” And most importantly, don’t be so hard on yourself or feel like you have to rush to the end. Instead, just try to stay in the moment, “because when you’re truly present, there’s no room in our mind for any thoughts.”
Just like Raven did on The Bachelor, it’s important to be open and honest with your partner. Don’t lie and say you’ve had an orgasm in the past, or worse, pretend like he’s given you one. Faking it is only going to rob yourself of pleasure and send the wrong message about what gets you off, says Morse.
Instead, work with your partner to get you there. If you do know how to achieve orgasm via masturbation, “there’s nothing wrong with doing the exact same thing you do, but with your partner,” says Morse. “So if you rub your clitoris, if you use toys, bring that into the mix. Get on top of your partner and move the way you have to. Or explain what you like by placing his hand on top of yours while you touch yourself.” Morse is also a big advocate of mutual masturbation, which allows both partners to see what the other likes and understand how each other’s bodies work. Morse explains: “It’s a great teachable moment for couples, plus it’s really hot.”
In case it wasn’t clear, communication is crucial for great sex. And while you both may be feeling self-conscious about conquering that untapped orgasm, being open and vocal can certainly help you get there. Just be sure to keep it positive, says Morse. “Say things like ‘I love having sex with you and I’m really excited about having an orgasm with you; here are some fun things I think we should try.’”
You can get vocal in other ways, too. Morse suggests giving in to those visceral moans and deep breaths during a romp. “A lot of women hold their breath during sex, but there’s really a release that happens when you moan when things feel good,” she says. “You’re releasing tension in your body, plus it’ll help turn you on as well as your partner.”
If you’ve tried masturbation, lube, toys, and all kinds of mind exercises, but still no O, reach out to a doctor. But if you do, just be sure to seek out an MD like Dr. Streicher, who is a sexual medicine expert, and can help address any medical, physical, or psychological problems that may be at play. Dr. Streicher assures that in her experience, there are very few cases of women who are completely unable to orgasm, even if they’ve yet to experience one. “If you’ve never had an orgasm, you are part of a very large group of women,” says Dr. Streicher. “You are not weird, you are not strange, there’s likely nothing wrong with you, and in all but very exceptional cases, this can be alleviated and you can get there.”
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Why Can't I Orgasm? What to Do If You're Having Trouble Reaching Climax
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WebMD's sexpert Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, reveals the two-part trick to having an orgasm.
About 10% of women have never had an orgasm -- either with a partner or during masturbation. And quite a few of them have found their way into my therapy practice. That's when I tell these women the good news: It is possible to learn to be orgasmic.
The first and most important lesson is to practice developing a balance of tension and relaxation during sexual activity. But, my women clients ask, how can they be both tense and relaxed at the same time? It's a good question, and here is my two-part answer:
The type of tension that helps women reach orgasm is muscle tension (myotonia). Many women have the mistaken impression that they should relax and "just lie there" because they've heard that relaxation during sex is important. But it turns out that muscle tension is often necessary for an orgasm. In my experience, the majority of women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal, and buttock tension.
Not surprisingly, women report that the most orgasm-inducing muscle contractions are in their lower pelvis. These are the same muscles you squeeze to stop the flow of urine midstream (a conscious contraction of this group is called a Kegel exercise).
What is the connection between tensing muscle groups and having an orgasm? Arousal. Contracting (or tensing) certain muscles increases blood flow throughout the body and often to the genital area. And arousal, of course, is the road map that helps lead most women to orgasm.
So, where's the relaxation part of this equation? In the brain. During sex, a woman should be focused simply on feeling the sensations of the stimulation.
Have a hard time relaxing? Think of a Times Square billboard in which words stream into view from the left-hand side to the right edge, and then disappear off the screen. During sex, many women find it helpful to program their own Times Square news crawl with a repetitive mantra such as "I can take as long as I want" or "This really feels great" on their mental silent radio. It keeps the brain occupied -- but with a thought that will encourage sexual arousal rather than with a nervous, negative thought that might decrease arousal.
After this first lesson, I send my clients away with a homework assignment. During sex, they are to tense up their muscles and let their minds go silent. This technique takes practice, but it can work over time. And more often than not, my clients return to a future session with their own good news to report.
Therapy can help some women having difficulty with orgasm. For others, a medical condition or side effects from a medication may be causing the problem. Visit your doctor to rule out these causes. Options for treatment include the following:
Originally published in the March/April 2008 issue ofWebMD the Magazine.
© 2008 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved.
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