Why Do We Have Sex Dreams

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Why Do We Have Sex Dreams
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No, your sex dream about a coworker doesn't mean you should leave your partner.
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Trigger warning: This piece mentions sexual assault and PTSD.
Sex dreams can be incredibly hot — or leave you waking up in a panic, depending on the context. Some nights, you may wake up confused and scared if your dream was about cheating, an ex, or past trauma. On a better night, you may wake up on top of the world after a sex dream about Rihanna . But according to clinical psychologist and sleep expert Michael Breus , sex dreams of all kinds are perfectly normal and even healthy. "Sexual dreams appear to start when a child is going through puberty," Breus tells Allure . While Breus says most people have fewer sexual dreams after puberty, they don't end there altogether. In fact, sex therapist Holly Richmond says that about 80 percent of her clients talk to her about their erotic dreams. 
You may be one of those people who doesn't dream much ; on the other hand, you may be lucky enough to experience lucid dreaming . For many of us, the pandemic has even affected our dreams . But if you're worried about the erotic content of your slumber, the experts say common sex dream scenarios include exes, celebrities, cheating, and can even be accompanied by orgasms. There are also nightmares that can be sexual in nature but disturbing, especially if you are a rape survivor and experience PTSD. Or, you may simply unearth some new fantasies during your slumber and feel unsure how to navigate the experience. To better understand why we have sex dreams, the different types, and what they mean, Allure spoke with several experts to break it down. Spoiler alert: The brain loves to dream about the forbidden.
Often we have sex dreams about those who are off-limits, such as our boss or a coworker. These dreams are prevalent, says Richmond, but rather than indicating that you're actually lusting after your boss, the dream is likely about office power dynamics. "There's a relationship dynamic in which you need to control more, and it's getting played out sexually. There's so rarely a real sexual component to this. If you feel yucky when you wake up, trust that. You don't want to have sex with this person, and there's some other dynamic," Richmond says.
So don't be embarrassed — office-related sex dreams are pretty common. 
Why would our mind waste our precious sleep by having sex with someone we don't even like? Well, let's think about actual "hate fucking." What comes to mind? You probably think of hot sex with someone you don't like or are mad at, and during sex, you get to expend that energy sexually. Richmond says that, like with our bosses, when we have sex dreams about someone we dislike, it's likely much more about power dynamics than actual sex. "Dreams can communicate a lot — it's just not always a direct connection," Richmond says.
Sex dreams about celebrities are widespread, according to experts. So what do they mean? Well, the answer here is pretty simple: They likely mean that we are attracted to that celebrity. "These can range from crushes to sexual prowess and agency and feeling like we can get someone who is out of reach. Those are really common, too, and they're usually an ego boost," Richmond says. So what should we do about them? Have fun with them; it's unlikely you'll ever bang this celebrity in real life (sorry). And no, having sex with a celeb in your dreams does not count as cheating.
Sex dreams that involve exes are one of the most complicated to wake up from. Unlike celebrity sex dreams, exes are people we usually have a very complex history with, and having them can result in complicated feelings. Ex-sex dreams don't directly translate to wanting to have sex with our former partner, but we usually dream about an ex with whom we have unresolved emotions. "There is some relational dynamic that needs to be worked out. What were you trying to communicate through sex? Do you want a new understanding? Did you want to take your power back? There's usually unfinished business, and it's not sexual," Richmond says.
Sex dreams run on the forbidden. Michael Friedman , a sleep specialist and otolaryngologist says this is why we are more likely to have sex dreams about exes, bosses, celebrities, and even platonic friends than the person we share a bed with. You may be attracted to this friend, or perhaps the sex dream is simply happening because this is someone you can't have sex with. Either way, don't worry about being a perv or about cheating if you're in a committed relationship. "It's very normal, and it's just human nature. It doesn't imply anything wrong or a conscious desire to be unfaithful; it's just part of being human," Friedman says. 
Other times, we have dreams that feel like a sexual version of being back at school, except instead of forgetting your homework, you are naked, and everyone is laughing at you. Richmond says examples include people waking up from a dream that they engaged in sexual activities that they may never have thought of doing in real life, such as a gang bang or bukkake.
While for some people, such sexual fantasies are totally normal (and others engage in them consensually), with this type of dream, the one doing the dreaming does not have any desire to engage in such scenarios. When they wake up, they are horrified . Our imaginations can think up a slew of scenarios, so if you have sex dreams that leave you feeling shameful or embarrassed, remind yourself that it was only a dream.
Richmond says her office is filled with clients who have sex dreams involving a gender they aren't normally attracted to. She says it's mostly straight women who have dreams about lesbian sex , even if they don't actually want to be with a woman in real life. Many people enjoy porn with genders they don't date, and it's OK to be turned on by sexual acts that don't match up exactly with your existing sex life. However, if you are unfulfilled, as Richmond suggests, assess what about the fantasy turns you on and then find ways to integrate it into your relationship.
Yes, some people have sex dreams about the person they are with, rather than a celebrity or the one who got away. However, Friedman says that as many sex dreams contain a forbidden aspect, dreams about your partner usually occur early in the relationship or in situations where you are separated. "They are definitely more common early in the relationship or when the relationship is not readily available than for couples who have been together for longer periods," Friedman says. So what should you do if you're experiencing sex dreams about your partner? Well, enjoy them, of course.
A public bathroom, your childhood home, a sex party : Sometimes, sex dreams take place in locations we don't usually go to get it on. As we've established, sex dreams thrive on the forbidden. "There's usually an element of freedom, of wanting, of longing for whatever the situation is," explains Richmond. Is there a kink you want to try but haven't yet explored, such as exhibitionism and having people watch, or getting it on somewhere you risk getting caught? Use these sexual fantasy dreams to gauge what you want and then apply them to your sex life in a manner that's comfortable for you. 
Sexual assault is not sex , and including PTSD dreams in this article is in no way meant to suggest such. However, one in every six women has been the survivor of a completed or attempted sexual assault, and LGBTQ+ people are nearly four times more likely to be victims of violent crime, including rape and sexual assault. So, because PTSD dreams stemming from a sexual assault are common , we asked the experts about them.
"PTSD is an entirely different animal altogether," says Breus. If you have a dream stemming from a sexual assault, perhaps "nightmare" is the better word. It's important to understand that you aren't alone. Richmond says she has clients who have PTSD dreams frequently right after the assault, and others still have them even if the assault occurred years ago. "It's the body processing something," says Richmond. "Typically, there is a little bit of difference in the dream, or the dream doesn't get far enough to its conclusion. It will be 'I was about to be raped by my perpetrator, and then I woke up,'" she says.
If you are experiencing PTSD dreams, you can call the RAINN hotline , and someone will talk to you or refer you to a therapist. You can also contact your insurance company to find an in-network therapist or do a quick Google search to see who is available in your area. "I remind them that at some point, they got away. They've changed, they're a survivor, and what happened to them is not their fault," says Richmond.
Let's talk about the most infamous sex dream: the wet dream, which begins in puberty. "Within sexual dreams are 'wet' dreams, also called nocturnal emissions," says Breus. "These dreams involve ejaculation during sleep, usually accompanied by a sexual dream." Within sexual dreams are 'wet' dreams, also called nocturnal emissions," he says. Wet dreams don't stop at puberty, and they don't just happen to people with penises. Those with vaginas may wake up in the middle of the night having an orgasm. Depending on where you are in your cycle, hormones may play a role, and Richmond says pregnancy can also induce them.
A dream in which your partner cheated is not a pleasant experience, no matter how many times you tell yourself it was just a dream. But is your subconscious trying to tell you something? Yes, but don't panic just yet. "It does not mean that your partner is cheating, but it does mean you should talk," Richmond says. "I want people to trust their gut, but sometimes we overthink it."
Cheating dreams can indicate that you're worried or not entirely comfortable, but that could mean several things that manifest as cheating while you sleep. Richmond suggests having an open and honest conversation with your partner in which you tell them about your dreams and that you know it may not be a literal translation but that you are feeling anxious. Let your partner know that you want to check in to see how they're doing and how you both feel about the relationship.
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night to find your partner initiating sex, only not to remember doing so in the morning? Or have you been the sleep-sex initiator? Friedman says that these sex dreams mean someone is in R.E.M. sleep. "There are situations where people act out their dreams, which is not normal. People sleep-walk, sleep-talk, and do other sleep activities while they're sleeping. They are acting out a dream yet totally unaware of it. That is a R.E.M-state sleep disorder. All kinds of things can happen," he says.
Depending on your unique situation, you may assume your partner is awake and welcome the sex. However, if you're uninterested, the R.E.M. come-on may be upsetting and open complicated questions about consent between you and your partner. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, seek a sleep specialist. Remember, regardless of what is keeping you up at night, getting enough sleep is crucial to your health and well-being. 
If you're a survivor of sexual assault and looking for resources, you can call RAINN at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). You'll be connected with a trained staff member from a local sexual-assault service provider and given access to a wide range of free services . You're not alone.
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Relationship therapist Zoe Williams at the health and lifestyle brand Gear Hungry presents the science behind romantic dreams, what they mean and whether they hold any meaning
During the past 12 months we’ve seen a rise in reports of re-occurring vivid dreams. Whether it’s dreaming of an ex, being back at school and missing an exam, or falling from a great height, dreams can leave us discombobulated. According to Google trend data, the search term “what do sex dreams mean” has seen a 9,900 per cent rise within the last three months as people are starting to question the meaning behind them, and what effects they can have on our day to day lives. 
"The search term 'what do sex dreams mean' has seen a 9,900 per cent rise within the last three months"
“The majority of dreaming (90 per cent) takes place when we’re in a REM state of sleep, the fifth of the sleep stages that takes its name from the Rapid Eye Movement it produces. When we’re in this state, our brain is just as active as when we’re awake during the day, though scientists attribute the strangeness of your dreams to the fact that, chemically, our brain is completely rewired when we sleep. That’s not to say we’re a completely different person , or that our deepest, darkest secrets are suddenly laid bare. Think of it more as a hypnotherapy session in which the relaxed nature means that we combat problems and questions in an altered way.”
“The areas of the brain that are most active during REM are the ones that control our emotions, specifically the limbic system, which is responsible for creating and controlling both good and bad emotions. Compare this to the parts of brain that are least active—the frontal lobes, which are responsible for higher functioning activities and thought, and you now understand why our dreams can sometimes be erratic at best. During our time awake we combat problems with our frontal lobes, solving situations like a puzzle, but at night this part of the brain is ‘asleep’, and our sleep decisions reflect this.”
“Chemically speaking, oxytocin (the love hormone) takes centre stage when experiencing dreams of affection or sexual attraction. Hypothalamus, the nuclei that oversee the distribution of oxytocin is located close to the regions of the brain that monitors arousal, and more importantly, the sleep and awake states of the body. This is theorised as one of the main reasons oxytocin is so active during sleep. But that’s not to say it’s the only reason. Dreams are constantly up for debate and change, as our understanding of the human mind and what it does when asleep is ever shifting.”
All dreams are complex, maddening, blurring and sometimes just plain illogical. Traversing the valuable from the pointless is, occasionally, an arduous task that can result in very little info for the amount of research you put in.
Dreaming about a sexual encounter doesn’t always mean you pine for the person, but it can be as simple as you find them attractive subconsciously (or in many cases, consciously). Where things get a bit more interesting is what type of sex dream you have with someone.
A dream involving an authority figure (teacher, boss) can indicate a desire for more control in your life—control that you don’t think you’re capable of giving yourself, or it could stem from a craving of attention that you don’t feel you’re currently getting. Or a sex dream involving a more adventurous type of sex that you would normally never imagine can indicate a person wanting to let go, and get out of their comfort zone, subconsciously desiring a life free from self-judgements. Not all dreams have conclusions though, so if you’re having a fancy about being on a date with a shark in Spain , maybe don’t waste time delving into your childhood for answers.
Are some sex dreams completely meaningless?
To someone who doesn’t take dreams seriously, all of them are meaningless. If you were to ignore your sex dreams and get on with your everyday life, you would be no worse off than you were before. But all dreams, especially ones that delve into our deepest subconscious fantasies, are there to be used, and help us improve our awake selves.
Nonetheless if you want to ignore the dream about making out with some guy you haven’t seen in 15 years, I think you’ll make it through the day just fine. With sex dreams, many of them can be connected to the fact that you were having lustful thoughts as you drifted off into sleep, or that a conversation or film you watched earlier is still on your mind.
What are some practical tips to help people start to learn from their sex dreams?
As with all dreams, the benefits of keeping a journal and writing all the details down are extremely helpful to understanding a connection. Every week, read through your entries and see if there’s a connection, a sign that your subconscious is trying to tell you something, over time you may even start to notice over patterns, like particular dreams occurring at certain times, or even recurring characters.
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Hannah Smothers
Hannah writes about health, sex, and relationships for Cosmopolitan, and you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram .

Taylor Andrews
Taylor is one of the sex and relationship editors who can tell you exactly which vibrators are worth the splurge , why you’re still dreaming about your ex, and tips on how to have the best sex of your life (including what word you should spell with your hips during cowgirl sex )—oh, and you can follow her on Instagram here .

Rachel Varina
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona ) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries).


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