Why Do Men Dominate On Dating Apps

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Why Do Men Dominate On Dating Apps
This article is more than 7 months old
This article is more than 7 months old
‘No, dating apps didn’t invent misogyny or womanizers. But they did give straight men – unvetted men – unfettered access to women.’ Photograph: Tim Robberts/Getty Images
Thu 27 Jan 2022 11.18 GMT Last modified on Thu 27 Jan 2022 11.19 GMT
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Apps like Tinder and Hinge give straight men unfettered access to women – and a new sense of boldness through a seemingly endless set of options
I f you’ve managed to live your life so that you’ve somehow avoided the “West Elm Caleb” saga that’s unfolded over the last week, then you’re probably a happier, less perplexed person because of it. And if you’re a single straight woman who uses dating apps and have never dated a young man who resembles West Elm Caleb, then that is nothing less than a miracle.
In brief: West Elm Caleb is a guy, 25, who got outed on TikTok for allegedly dating multiple women he met on dating apps, all at the same time, leading them on and then ghosting them. “Back in my day we just called that a fuckboy,” said my friend Amelia, 29. Yes, I know. Back in 2015, I wrote a story for Vanity Fair entitled Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse in which I reported: “A ‘fuckboy’ is a young man who sleeps with women without any intention of having a relationship with them or perhaps even walking them to the door post-sex.”
That story caused an infamously crazy reaction on the part of Tinder, which tweeted at me more than 30 times in one night, so offended were they that I had talked to actual users about their dissatisfaction with the newly launched, now multibillion-dollar app. Tinder was mad because, among other things, I dared to suggest that dating apps (including Bumble and Hinge, where West Elm Caleb met his matches) were exacerbating bad behavior on the part of straight men. Which is what is missing in the many think pieces that have come out about West Elm Caleb: the problem is the design of the technology itself.
No, dating apps didn’t invent misogyny or womanizers. But they did give straight men – unvetted men – unfettered access to women. They gave them a new sense of boldness through a seemingly endless set of options. They gave them the ability to decide with the flick of a finger whether a woman was “hot or not” enough for them to date or have sex with. They gave them the ability to create false identities who can’t be held accountable.
The effect of all this on straight male psychology is something I’ve discussed with psychologists, feminists, evolutionary biologists and other experts throughout the making of a documentary film and the reporting of several more articles and a book. But you don’t have to have a PhD to see that dating apps privilege the male gaze and give straight men an outsized idea of their power in their dealings with women. In the opinion of another young woman friend: “They have ruined men.”
No, I don’t think West Elm Caleb deserved to be doxed or harassed by the people who sought to take revenge on his behavior – no one deserves that. It is wrong. But I’m not surprised that some women rose up against this character, using him as a scapegoat for what they have been enduring in the realm of dating now for years; I’m just surprised it took this long. “West Elm Caleb is a pandemic,” said Molly, 34. “He’s everywhere. Except there’s no vaccine.”
Without any change in the toxic dating culture being created by these apps – or the men they’re turning into fuckboys – women have been turning to each other for solidarity online. “What I’m seeing more and more on TikTok is women finding out they’re being cheated on or dating the same guy,” said Lana, 28, “and then pushing back. I have seen girls post, like, ‘If your husband is named Joe with blond hair and tattoos and was just on a business trip in Vegas, he’s cheating on you.’ I also saw a girl who found out her boyfriend of like six months was dating two other girls, and they all ambushed him at the same place. They all looked the same too, ugh.”
“Honestly, women should boycott these apps,” said Breanna, 30. “I don’t know what benefit they bring – other than make us more accessible to trash men with bad intentions. I’m telling everyone I know to delete the apps. They’re not worth it and no one I know has met anyone worth a damn on them anyway.”
Nancy Jo Sales is a New York-based writer. Her latest book is Nothing Personal: My Secret Life in the Dating App Inferno

The secret to success - keep it brief
There is a formula for using apps such as Tinder
Deal-makers and deal-breakers in dating
Scientists say the secrets to success in online dating are to aim high, keep your message brief, and be patient.
Playing "out of your league" or dating people considered more attractive than you, is a winning strategy, according to a new analysis of internet daters in the US.
Men had greater success when they approached women they believed were more desirable than themselves.
The new study has been published in the journal, Science Advances.
Internet dating has become the dominant form for those seeking romance - it's the third most popular means of meeting a long term partner and around half of all 18-34 year olds now use dating apps.
In this new report, scientists used a Google-inspired algorithm to understand the desires of people wanting to match up. They analysed messaging and demographic patterns among heterosexual users in New York, Boston, Chicago and Seattle.
They found that both men and women contact potential partners who are, on average, around 25% more desirable than themselves.
Your "desirability", they found, is not just about the number of messages that you receive, but who you receive them from.
If your messages come from people who have themselves received lots of messages, that makes make you more desirable, according to the study.
1) Send lots of messages - perseverance can pay off
2) Aim high - playing out of your league can be a winning strategy
3) Keep it brief - that long heartfelt message might not be read
4) Be patient - your dream date may just be judging the market
When women approached men, they received a response 50% of the time.
When men aimed at women who were rated as more desirable than themselves, their response rate was 21%.
That might seem low but the authors of the study suggest that online daters were wise to take the risk.
"I think a common complaint when people use online dating websites is they feel like they never get any replies," said lead author Dr Elizabeth Bruch from the University of Michigan.
"This can be dispiriting. But even though the response rate is low, our analysis shows that 21% of people who engage in this aspirational behaviour do get replies from a mate who is out of their league, so perseverance pays off."
Generally, most people received a handful of replies at best, but a few people received many more. One woman in the study was bombarded with a new message every half hour, from over 1,500 different people in the month long study.
As the data were wholly anonymised, we can only speculate about what it was about this woman that struck the attention of so many men.
Both men and women tended to write longer messages to a more desirable partner, sometimes up to twice as long, but the study found that this barely makes any difference to the response rate.
Dr Bruch said: "I feel that we can save people a lot of work in not writing longer messages."
Why does writing a longer message not work?
"We don't really know. One of the reasons might be that people that are desirable may have so many messages in their inbox, they don't read most of them. That lovingly crafted message that you spent two hours on may go unopened," said Dr Bruch in an interview with the BBC.
Co-author Professor Mark Newman, also from the University of Michigan, said: "Playing out of your league is one way to reduce the rate at which you get replies. That does not seem to stop people from doing it, and it seems to be standard behaviour. There is a trade-off between how far up the ladder you want to reach and how low a reply rate you are willing to put up with."
If you aren't getting any replies, then be patient. Your potential dates might be judging the market before committing to reply at all.
Although the maths is complicated , research has shown that your chance of picking the best date is highest if you reject outright the first 37%. You should then choose to date the next person that's better than all the previous ones.
Previous studies have shown that your dating profile should be roughly 70% about yourself , with the rest about what you're looking for in a partner. But the problem with this thinking is that it assumes that people are going to read your profile or your message in the first place.
Dr Bruch said: "Women could afford to be more aspirational than they are. Their reply rates are already high enough that they can afford to take a hit."
You might also want to think about when you reply. Dr Bruch added: "People's behaviour at two o'clock in morning looks very different from their behaviour at 8 o'clock in the morning. Which is better depends upon what your goals are."
The study showed that women tended to use more positive words when communicating with more desirable partners, whereas men tended to play it cool, showing a slight decrease in positive words.
Reinforcing a well-known stereotype, women's view of men's desirability peaked at around the age of 50, whereas women's attractiveness to men declined from the age of 18.
The authors stressed that this does not mean following these stereotypes is the key to successful dating. People are able to make choices.
Dr Bruch said: "There can be a lot of variation in terms of who is desirable to whom. There may be groups in which people who would not necessarily score as high by our measures could still have an awesome and fulfilling dating life."
Of course, making contact with dates online is only the first step in courtship. Most messages ended in failure.
Previous research has shown that when people are able to spend proper time together, their characters become far more important than the superficial information that they receive on a dating app.
"I am fascinated with the rules of dating, this paper is the initial leg of that research effort. Once you get past that first response, it is not clear how desirability continues to matter. There is some evidence that people focus on the most superficial aspects of their potential romantic partners at the earliest stages of the relationship and later on those things don't matter so much."
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By Stephanie Kirby | Updated July 18, 2022
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Do you tend to want to date the “bad boy?” Or do you find that you like dating a strong man that takes control? You aren’t alone. As you’ll read below, this is common for women. However, some challenges can come with dating a dominant man, and the tips below can help.
Why You Like To Be With A Dominant Man
You may not have realized that you were with a dominant male when you first started dating, but there’s a good chance that you did. Science has often proven that women are more likely to look for a dominant partner than men are.
In the article Why Some of Us Seek Dominant Partners, one German study that was cited mentioned, “Their results did reveal that there were two types of women who preferred dominant partners-those who displayed boredom susceptibility and disinhibition, and anxiety. These traits are uncorrelated to each other, providing evidence that these two types may have different motivations for seeking dominant partners. Anxious women appear to prefer dominant partners because they offer protection and security, while disinhibited, easily bored women seem to prefer dominant partners because they’re exciting.”
Dominant males are often leaders in relationships and life. They tend to be the go-getters that have business success. They give off natural confidence that seems to demand attention.
You’ve probably heard about the attraction that women have to the “bad boy.” This is similar. While the reasons might not all be the same, many women are attracted to dominant males. It may seem exciting at the start of a relationship, but it can lead to challenges over time, as well.
Challenges In Dating A Dominant Male
Relationships all have challenges, but when you’re dating a dominant male, you may experience some challenges that others don’t. His desire to have a leadership role in the relationship can make you feel like you’re taking the backseat. Your opinions may not be as valued, and you may find that you cannot make decisions in the relationship.
Dominant men also tend to be more aggressive. While this can be something that some women are drawn to, it can also be the sign of a larger problem. It could lead to an abusive relationship or the man being too sexually aggressive for what his partner prefers.
But don’t worry. Dating a dominant male doesn’t mean it’s all doom and gloom. There are plenty of dominant men out there that make great partners where you can build a healthy relationship together.
Here are some tips to help you when you’re in a relationship with a dominant male.
It might be in his personality to be dominant, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. While dominant individuals like those who follow their lead, they also have a healthy respect for those willing to stand up to them when they need to.
Just because your partner has a dominant personality doesn’t mean that you can’t have a little stubbornness and determination, as well. In fact, you will probably need it when dealing with your man from time to time. There needs to be a healthy give and take in a relationship. Sometimes dominant individuals will continue to take unless you stand up for yourself.
Someone can have a strong personality and still be respectful. If your man is in any way mistreating you, it’s time to have a serious conversation with him or get out of the relationship. Make sure that you know the signs of abuse, including emotional abuse , Abuse is never acceptable. Never. So, don’t put up with it, and don’t let your man get away with using the excuse that “it’s just his personality.” It doesn’t work that way.
If you are facing or witnessing abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text "START" to 88788. You can also use the online chat .
And, even if you’re not being abused, there can still be other ways that you could be allowing yourself to be taken advantage of by your dominant male. Don’t allow it.
Everyone needs a place where they can be themselves and feel protected and safe. Your man might have a dominant personality and seem like he can conquer the world, but even he needs a place where he can let loose and be himself—a place where it’s OK to be emotional when needed or to feel a little vulnerable. You can be that place for your man.
Ensure that you aren’t judgmental of him when he is going through something and needs some support. Let him know that you believe in him and encourage him to go through a difficult time. Dominant personalities have a harder time being vulnerable with others, and if he tries it once and you don’t create that space for him, he might be leery of opening up to you in this way again in the future.
When you are dating a dominant male, it’s in his nature to lead. This can be something that you enjoy when dating him, but the line that’s too far may be different for the two of you. That’s why you must establish boundaries. Make sure you know where your limits are and how you want to be treated.
Then, communicate these to your partner. Let him know what you are and aren’t OK with. If he crosses your boundaries, make sure that you stick firm to what you set in place. If you allow him to continually cross your boundaries, you teach him that he doesn’t need to respect them. You need to be the one that stands firm on them. Boundaries help to create healthy relationships.
This tip goes for dating anyone, not just a dominant male. Do not put him down or poke fun at him in front of his friends, coworkers, family members, or yours. Your job as his partner is to build him up.
It can be easy to think that people with dominant personalities don’t get their feelings hurt because they have natural confidence. Still, many of them struggle with imposter syndrome as well. Like others, they can struggle with feeling like they aren’t good enough, and if you highlight this fact in front of others, it’s a huge blow to their self-esteem. If you have to correct him about something, try to do it where others can’t hear.
People with dominant personalities don’t usually want to play games when it comes to communication. They don’t want to have to figure out the hidden meaning behind what you’re saying. So, say what you mean.
If you do try to say something with a hidden message, they may not even pick up on it because they operate on the idea of “saying it like it is.” If you aren’t communicating the same way, he may not pick up on your signals.
Dominant men, or alpha males, don’t just like to be in charge; it’s naturally a part of who they are. They don’t have to try to step into the leadership role; it just seems to happen when they are a part of the group. This is how their relationships work out as well.
If you aren’t a go-with-the-flow type of person, this can be difficult for you. A relationship with two dominant people is going to be a challenge. Try to go with the flow if it’s not things that matter to you. If you lov
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