Why Do Couples

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So you're not a "10" in every which way. But you're probably pretty spectacular in some way, and definitely good enough in most areas of life. If ever there were a time to stop beating yourself up for being human, it is now.
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So you're not a "10" in every which way. But you're probably pretty spectacular in some way, and definitely good enough in most areas of life. If ever there were a time to stop beating yourself up for being human, it is now.
Don't Let Doubts Doom Your Relationship
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People Can Use Honesty to Justify Selfishness
If you're in a romantic relationship long enough, at some point you and your partner are going to fight. Fighting doesn't mean you're with the wrong person, or that your relationship is doomed. Conflict is an inevitable part of any longstanding human relationship, especially ones that involve the most intimate parts of our lives. 
At the same time, the frequency and quality of fighting with your significant other has a lot to do with how satisfied you are in your relationship. Most couples would prefer to argue as little as possible. Indeed, I've never once vowed to spend more time squabbling over petty grievances, scheduled a marital spat into my calendar, or wished that a lovely evening would devolve into anger and hurt feelings. On the other hand, there have been plenty of times I've wished I wasn't stuck in an argument. 
If we're so averse to fighting with our partners, why does it happen? Two new studies by a team of researchers from Belgium provide some answers. Gaëlle Vanhee and her colleagues focused on the role of unmet needs in provoking conflict in heterosexual relationships.
The researchers found that couples fought significantly more when the following needs were not met:
Role of Negative Emotion in Couple Conflict
How is it that unmet needs generate greater conflict and poorer communication in couples? The study authors posit that having unmet needs in a relationship leads to negative feelings, which in turn promote conflict.
For example, being harshly criticized and rejected by our partner fails to meet our need for acceptance, which can provoke feelings of shame and sadness. According to Emotionally-Focused Couple Therapy, these primary emotional responses are often not expressed directly and can transform into secondary emotions, like anger and indignation. These emotions can then drive negative communication between partners, leading to an escalation in the conflict as both partners see themselves as the aggrieved party whose needs are being ignored. 
Vanhee and colleagues noted that further research is needed to confirm this "Primary Emotion → Secondary Emotion → Conflict" pattern. What is clear from existing research is that frustrated needs in a relationship lead to negative emotions, and those emotions lead to fights. 
If we want stronger relationships, what can we do to better meet our partner's needs?
One of the best places to start is to ask your partner what they need. They might not have even thought of it themselves, so being asked gives them an opportunity to identify unmet needs that are generating negative emotions and conflict. This question also signals to your partner that you care about their well-being.
Consider your own needs, as well: What's missing in your relationship, in the areas described above or in others? Bear in mind that unmet needs can affect us even if we're not aware of the frustrated need (just as exhausted toddlers who are melting down will insist they're not tired). Then consider sharing these needs in a mutually supportive way, perhaps starting with a focus on your partner's needs to avoid the perception of "dueling needs" that are in competition. Otherwise, we can wind up in a stalemate of "I'm unhappy/So am I," with neither partner willing to reach across the divide. 
Keep these approaches in mind as you work to better meet your partner's needs (and your own):
Couples often get stuck in a loop in which neither partner is having their needs met, which leads to greater conflict and more need frustration. By being curious about our partner's needs and willing to share our own, we create more harmonious and fulfilling relationships. 
Facebook image: silverkblackstock/Shutterstock
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The" what" and" why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11, 227-268.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony.
Vanhee, G., Lemmens, G., Moors, A., Hinnekens, C., & Verhofstadt, L. L. (2018). EFT‐C's understanding of couple distress: An overview of evidence from couple and emotion research. Journal of Family Therapy, 40, S24-S44.
Vanhee, G., Lemmens, G., Stas, L., Loeys, T., & Verhofstadt, L. L. (2018). Why are couples fighting? A need frustration perspective on relationship conflict and dissatisfaction. Journal of Family Therapy, 40, S4-S23.
Seth J. Gillihan, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and author specializing in mindfulness-centered cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). 
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Why Do Couples