Why Did the Comedian Cross the Road?

Crossing the road is easy�getting laughs isn�t. Here�s how to sharpen your comedy machete: 1. **Murder Your Darlings** � If a joke only makes *you* laugh, it�s a diary entry. 2. **The Darker, The Better** � "I�m not saying my childhood was rough, but my therapist has a therapist." 3. **Timing is Everything** � Pause like you�re waiting for the cops to leave. 4. **Subvert Expectations** � "I�m great at commitment� said no ghost, ever." 5. **Steal from the Best** � Shakespeare plagiarized; you�re just "paying homage." 6. **Bait the Hook** � "Dating me is like a horror movie�" *pause* "�mostly screaming and running." 7. **Yes, And Your Own Jokes** � "My bank account is a tragedy. *And* a comedy. It�s Shakespearean." 8. **The Rule of Three** � "I love cats, wine, and the sweet release of death." 9. **Callbacks Are Cheat Codes** � "Remember when I said I was fun at parties? I lied." 10. **Self-Deprecate Like a Pro** � "I�m not failing�I�m *method acting* as a struggling artist." 11. **Commit to the Bit** � "No, I *do* think socks should have GPS." 12. **Read the Room (Then Burn It Down)** � "Too soon? Or *not soon enough*?" 13. **Physical Comedy Never Fails** � *Falls dramatically* "And that�s how I met your mother." 14. **End on a High (Or a Low)** � "Thanks, you�ve been great! I�ve been� *existential*." 15. **Bombing is Fertilizer** � Every flop grows your next killer set. Unless you die. Then it�s just sad.