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Putting a penis in one's mouth is not as simple an endeavor as one might assume it is. Learning how to give a blowjob is a complicated process that can be a source of anxiety, fear, and unexpectedly deep soul searching. While the person being fellated might not be aware, the person on the other end is being bombarded with a lot of blowjob-related mind garbage. But no one ever talks about these little nagging things that have to do with giving head. It's difficult enough to bring up blowjobs around the water cooler or at a dinner party, so getting into the dirty little details can be tough. Obviously, not so for me, since I'm broaching them right now.
Generally, conversations about blowjobs center around who can deep throat, how easy/difficult it is to get a penis in your mouth hole, and whether or not you should kiss after completion. But there are far more mundane factors at play, and all of them far more important than these racier questions. I don't know why we don't talk more about the minutiae of giving head. What I do know is that there are certain things I can guarantee most women are thinking when we go down on someone. Such universal thoughts deserve to be shared and commiserated over. Here are six things about blowjobs that no one ever talks about, but which I'm forcing you to listen to me talk about right now:
Blowjobs are scary - not because of what happens to you when you're giving them, but what you might inadvertently do to the person you're giving them to. For instance: suddenly, reflexively biting down for some reason. There are a lot of things I'd like to go through life never having experienced. Orally castrating someone is certainly one of them.
I envy anyone who can give a blowjob and retain sexy thoughts in their brain. For most of us, we're just trying not to choke on the chunk of our own hair that keeps slipping into our mouths. We're also thinking about the sweat smell of balls, making eye contact, the giant drip of our own spit smeared across our face, not biting down, etc.
Again, I have much envy for the sucker who has no gag reflex. Because for everyone else, when a penis hits the back of your throat, its all we can do to stop from vomiting. Add "vomiting on someone's penis" to the list of things I would like to go through life without ever doing. It doesn't exactly scream "sexy" - unless you're one of those fetishists I once saw on Jerry Springer (I'm aware that a Jerry Springer reference reveals my age, and I don't even care).
Look, I don't want to brag but, like, I work out. Even still, there's no workout quite like kneeling with no hands for support (one's on the shaft, the other's on the balls) while angling your face downward and bobbing your head up and down. There's no amount of yoga that will prepare your core for the exercise of giving head. It's a full-body experience that requires poise, concentration, balance, and abs and thighs of steel.
No matter how many blowjobs you've given, nothing can prepare you for giving your first one to a new person. Every penis is unique, and no two blowjobs are the same. The same can be said for all sex acts, but there's something particularly intimate about having someone's penis in your mouth. The whole experience can be quite discombobulating, what with all the balls you have to juggle (pun intended) with a new person.
It doesn't matter whether you're an established spitter or swallower, or how many times you've had a man cum in your mouth. There's always an intense anxiety when you feel him come close to orgasm. What is going to happen? Even though you know, you're still scared. For instance, every time it comes to that point, I start worrying that so much semen is going to squirt out so hard and fast that I will choke on it. This has literally never happened to me. But as soon as a guy starts clenching, I fill with fear. Even the most seasoned fellator has anxiety when it comes to finishing the job. Snap decisions have to be made, fast and in the heat of the moment, which can lead to embarrassing situations, like naked runs to the bathroom to spit up.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
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13 Blow Job Myths That Just Need To Die
1. Myth: You should swallow even if you're not a fan.
2. Myth: All men are obsessed with blowies, so if a dude doesn't want one, he hates you.
3. Myth: Deep throating is the key to an excellent BJ.
4. Myth: There's basically only one blow job position.
5. Myth: A blow job isn't "real sex."
6. Myth: It's normal for guys to push your head down.
7. Myth: If your teeth touch his penis, it'll fall off.
8. Myth: You always have to perform a blow job to completion.
9. Myth: Your mouth can always provide enough spit to make the act enjoyable.
10. Myth: If your BJ skills are up to par, it should be over in a few minutes.
11. Myth: You need blow-job sorcery for uncircumcised penises.
12. Myth: If you give your mouth a break, you have to start from the beginning.
13. Myth: You have to love giving blow jobs in order to be sexy.
Zahra Barnes joined SELF in November 2015, working on the Culture and Health teams before eventually becoming Executive Editor. She has spent her career as a reporter and editor covering people's lives with a focus on wellness.
Zahra specializes in sexual, reproductive, and mental health, all with the goal of destigmatizing... Read more
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Oral sex can seem baffling if you think about it when you're not turned on. You're supposed to put your mouth where? And you would want someone's face in your most private spot why? But in the moment, when you're with someone you're into, oral sex can seem like a more genius invention than the lightbulb. The only annoying part is when you're having sex with a guy and certain blow job myths get in the way of both of you enjoying the act as much as possible. Here, 13 blow job myths you should stop believing, stat.
Unlike green smoothies, semen is not some nutrient-rich elixir. When you treat someone to a mouth-induced orgasm, they don't get to judge what you do after the fact. Spit, swallow, move out of the way so it doesn't get in your hair, whatever. As long as you're not like, "Ew, this is disgusting, you're a beast," there shouldn't be any complaints.
There are so many reasons a guy may not be up for a blow job. Just like some women love receiving oral sex and others prefer different forms of clitoral entertainment , he might be into a different kind of foreplay. Or he could be saving you from encountering his sweaty post-workout package. Or maybe he wants to talk about his feelings instead of having sex. Point is, it doesn't automatically mean he doesn't like you or thinks your blow jobs are awful.
If you can deep throat without issue, go for it. It's an awesome skill that you unfortunately can't list on your résumé, so use it when you can. But you can also give a stellar blow job without the head of a penis provoking your gag reflex.
Actually, there's a whole wide world of oral sex positions out there beyond you kneeling in front of him. You can try 69, lying next to him, your head hanging off the bed, lying down while he kneels on top of you, and so much more.
For some women, getting face-to-face with a penis is more intimate than having PIV sex. And even if you're not one of them, you can definitely still get sexually transmitted infections from giving a blow job because you're exchanging bodily fluids (and you can also get STIs like herpes and HPV from skin-to-skin contact).
Great if it turns you on. But if it makes you feel weird, ask him to stop. Blow jobs should be good for both people, not just the one receiving them.
The world won't end because you experience a little teeth-penis contact. As long as you're not scraping them up and down his shaft throughout, it's probably not an issue. Depending on the guy, he might even like it! But definitely ask before doing it intentionally.
You could. Or you could trade off, so he goes down on you for a bit, then you continue giving him a blow job after. Or you could stop before he comes and have sex until he orgasms . Or you could break up intercourse with some bouts of oral sex. The end goal doesn't always have to be orgasm.
Cotton mouth happens. Luckily, flavored lube exists! Just be sure to use a type that's compatible with condoms if they're a part of your sex routine, and also check that it's safe for intercourse if you plan on doing that after.
So many factors can influence how much time it takes a guy to orgasm: when he most recently came, what he's thinking about, whether he's holding out because he wants it to last longer...
An uncircumcised penis is still sheathed in its foreskin, which covers the head. A circumcised penis no longer has a foreskin, so the head is exposed. That's the only difference—they're both still penises, and guys still like it when you touch them.
Yes, the two types sometimes require different kinds of stimulation, since uncircumcised penises often have more sensitive heads and there's more skin to play with. But if you're used to one kind of penis and encounter another, don't freak out. Just ask the guy what he likes! You have his penis in your hands. He probably won't mind if you ask exactly how he'd prefer for you to handle it.
If he's right on the brink of orgasm and you call a time out, yes, you'll probably have to put in some extra work to get him back to the point of no return. But if you feel like your jaw's seizing up, give it a rest. You can use your hands to keep the good feelings going.
You know that whole idea of how nothing's hotter than a woman who loves giving blow jobs so much, she can practically orgasm from them? False. Enthusiasm is always attractive, but you don't have to worship at the blow job altar to be attractive yourself.
SELF does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional.
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