White Girl Dating Korean Guy

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What to Expect when Dating a Korean Guy
It seems like Korean guys are in demand because many of my single girlfriends have been telling me how much they’d like to learn Korean just to date Korean boys. Well well. Quite understandable considering how men are portrayed in all these Korean MVs, dramas, and movies. But really, that’s like saying I want to date a Lawyer after watching Suite.
Unfortunately, boys are boys – even in Korea. They sometimes go MIA, put friends over you, breaks your heart, forget your birthday etc. But I must say that there is some merit to Korean boys’ courting style that is hard to match. So here, I list out some of the common occurrences of dating a Korean guy based on my personal experience and of the experiences of my lovely Korean girlfriends.
Note that there are many Korean guys out there, and there are many exceptions. This is just my personal experience, please read it with a light heart.
Dating experience: 2 Korean guys: one from Seoul for 2 years and another from Kangwon province living in Seoul for almost 4 years. They both have never lived in another country before.
Consulting experience: Over 2000 hours of 1:1 consultation via phone, text, skype, face-to-face about Korean boy-problems. Hope now I have some creds to tell you what it’s like to date a Korean guy.
So what is it like to have a Korean boyfriend?
In comparison to guys I’ve dated from other culture, Korean guys are great at keeping in touch, constantly. This made it hard for me to adapt to ABC guys that were texting 2,3 messages per day or every two three days because Korean guys will text you every day. Many also call you every day. It’s not that they’re more/less into you; I think it’s a norm. You get freaking spoiled (sometimes annoyed) by how much they will contact you, but this means anxiety triples when they become MIA.
Do dress up on your dates because these Korean boys will dress up/suit up every time they take you out. It’s not uncommon for a guy to show up wearing a shirt, khaki, a blazer, matching shoes, and perfectly done hair – to a date at an amusement park. They often dress like they’ve popped out of print ads in magazines.
Some extremely self-aware guys would put on bb-cream, color contact lens (this one is more rare), and fake heels inside the shoes. But don’t be too impressed because it’s probably 50% for other people to see, 30% for themselves, and 20% for you. Regardless, it’s good to see guys putting as much effort into looking nice and “dolling” up, but they would expect you to do the same.
I hear in Canada, guys stop paying after 2,3 dates, or even on second dates it’s common to go dutch. This isn’t the norm in Korea. Although there seems to be a shift in this dynamic very recently, it’s still very normal for guys to be the one getting tab all the time. Once you get serious, then the paying becomes a bit more even, maybe girls pay 3:7/4:6. Most of the time, they don’t want you to pay.
You can easily get used to this … But there are consequences that follow. For instance, while it’s extremely subtle, they may exert more authority or expect you to show more “child-like” behaviors. It can be patronizing at times.
In Korea, age determines how you refer to one another (unlike in Canada where everyone calls each other names). When a guy is older than a girl, the girl refers to this guy as “Oppa.” But it really doesn’t matter how old you are, because if a guy is interested in you, he’ll try to act like an Oppa anyways. I’m sure most of you have heard of this phrase through Psy’s Gangnam Style.
This phrase carries an odd mix of varying sentiments that ranges from being responsible, protective, to having more power, status, and right. One thing that Korean guys seem to enjoy doing is refer to themselves as “Oppa.” For instance, instead of saying “I’ll buy you dinner/I’ll do that for you,” they will say “Oppa will buy you dinner/ Oppa will do that for you.” Seriously, when a guy that I’m not too interested does this, every bit of hair on my body stands up. Good thing that comes with this phenomenon is that Korean guys in general are very responsible and almost trained to take care of girls in all ways possible.
– When walking on the sidewalk, they always make sure they are on the outer lane closer to the cars
– They will take off their coat for you in cold weather
– They arrive ten minutes early to dates and don’t mind waiting few minutes (I think some expect girls to be late).
– Anything heavy or difficult to do, they feel responsible to solve/do it for the girl.
– If you call them for help in the middle of the night (even at 2,3 in the morning), most of them will help you
Special Celebrations & Couple “things”: – So one of the oddest/coolest part of Korean dating culture is that couples celebrate gazillion and one things. Let me list a few that I have celebrated:
– On these occasions, I’ve learned that girls should expect the guy to prepare some sort of “surprise” – it’s not very surprising once you realize that it’s always going to be a bouquet of roses, a teddy bear, cake, and candles. But still, it’s very sweet that guys will go such lengths to do things for the girls they like.
So much work for guys? But sometimes it’s the guys that are more into stuff like this. I once forgot one of these many celebrations previously-unknown-to-me, and all I can say is that that day didn’t end well. As much as guys go crazy with these celebrations, girls also put equal effort in preparing – often some hand-made stuff for their special other. 
Another thing that Korean boyfriends commonly suggest are couple items like couple rings (makes it hard to tell who is married or just dating), couple shoes, couple cellphone cases, couple smartphones, couple data plan (where you have unlimited data between you two), couple diary, couple (fill in your own blank). I know many of my non-Korean friends find this freaky, but I must say small things like same keychains are kind of cute. You get used to it. In general, Korean guys are more “hardworking” when it comes to relationships. But that doesn’t mean its all roses and butterflies; there are also things that are particularly stressful when dating Korean guys.
I guess all this chivalry comes with consequences. Not all, but surely many Korean boyfriends will ask to check your phone, kakaotalk or what-nots. They expect to know your entire schedule in and out and also expects you to update him on your life constantly. This can be a bit frustrating, but girls often expect the same from guys so it’s a mutual thing I suppose.
It’s always really hard to have a girl’s night out if one of the girl is in a relationship. Getting permission almost never worked because they’d be calling constantly and checking up on her. Some are really extreme: for instance, once four of my girl friends were out, and my girlfriend’s bf asked her to take a photo of her outfit to make sure it’s not too scandalous. Seriously?!… SERIOUSLY?
The tolerance of acceptable interaction with the opposite gender is vastly lower for couples in Korea. Some things that I witnessed Korean couples often fight about: – Texting an opposite gender -Calling an opposite gender – Talking to an opposite gender – Looking at an opposite gender -Thinking about an opposite gender So basically anything that has to do with the opposite gender is a no. Okay, I may be exaggerating a tiny bit, but Korean couples tend to be extremely bonded and with such bond comes such craziness. I guess people are crazy when they’re in love.
I think breakups rarely end in good terms among Korean couples. I see tons of Canadian friends being friends with their ex but I rarely see Korean couples continuing to be friends after a break-up. It’s partly because many of my Korean friends think there is no such thing as friendship between a girl and a guy.
Meeting friends of a Korean boyfriend is one of the most stressful parts of the ordeal, imo. So in my experience, they put you on a pedestal and subtlety judge you. Once you break into the group, they will love and protect you forever, but it’s really hard to break into the bubble. The key to this meet is to dress like a news broadcaster (think pastel colored conservative outfit that is flattering but classsy), wear minimal make-up, and be super, super nice. Pretend you’re there to serve them. It doesn’t matter if that’s not the real you, because the real you is not what they want to see. Be comfortable, but also be tense (if that’s even possible). When you’re meeting his friends, you are a virgin that never smoked, drank, or stayed out pass 9 p.m… So dating a Korean guy can be amazing one moment and awfully confusing another.
But like with any culture, being in a relationship requires work from both partners. Also, most problems can be overcome with appropriate communication. It’s just important to learn the “norms” of the dating eco-system your love subject is part of to avoid misunderstandings. I remember an ABC girl rejected a Korean boy because he held the umbrella for her on a rainy day and she found that patronizing.
I hope you enjoyed the article. Follow me on twitter @tinasyhsu
Also, check out GIFs compilation of Top Kdramas from 2015, based on CPI.
Is he flirting with me?
January 27, 2013
In "2013"
Dating is Hell in Korea
By Lola Moon
“There will be no men in your life for one year – get used to it.” Those words of my ex-roommate have proven far too true for myself and many other foreign women in Korea. Dating – or the lack of it – takes on very strange dimensions in Korea.
First the relationships that do commence here seem to be characterized by a frantic kind of intensity; everything is speeded up here. One friend of mine explained it in this way. She had been seeing a man of two weeks and told me that it was the “equivalent of two months on the outside.” By that she meant that that heightens all of the emotional baggage we all bring into relationships in Korea. Because we are in a foreign country, especially a country that is not always easy to live in at times, we enter into relationships that with slightly skewed perspective. All the stages of a relationship that normally take several months back home can happen in several weeks here.
Second, there is the realization that most foreign men are only interested in Korean women, and for many teachers that was their whole reason for coming to Korea. That is certainly understandable – Korean women are exotic and beautiful. And while many Korean women are intelligent and mature, there are also many that idolize foreign men simply because they have white skin and are from the same country as Brad Pitt. Many of these creepy white guys seem to have a touch of misogyny in them – probably because every woman in the Western Hemisphere has shot them down. But Korea is the land of opportunity, especially if you can find a Korean woman who doesn’t speak very good English – she’ll think I’m a god!
On more than one occasion I have heard white men completely denigrate everything about this country, and then proceed to try and pick up Korean women. I like to call it the “Heart of Darkness” syndrome. Western men don’t have to watch what they say or do when they come to Korea – they don’t have to pretend that they believe in that feminist rhetorical crap that was shoved down their throats back home. Life is so easy for them here and the most of the women are so much less demanding than they were back home.
So what options does that leave foreign women? If one night stands with the American GIs at Dallas isn’t exactly your coup of tea; there’s always what I consider to be the most attractive option – Korean men. That is, of course, if you can find a Korean man who a) speaks English, b) isn’t afraid of you, or c) isn’t dating you because he thinks you’re Meg Ryan or Sandra Bullock. This task is not as easy as it sounds.
If you happen to find an eligible Korean man, you then have to put up with the negative reactions from not only the Korean community, but from the foreign community as well. The aforementioned white guys may be only interested in Korean women, but that doesn’t mean they want Korean guys dating their women. It’s like a dog with a bone that it’s not chewing – just because it doesn’t want that bone, doesn’t mean it wants another dog to take that bone.
On the Korean side, if the relationship remains casual (confined to adventures in the front seat of his Tico) then the whole thing can be pretty cool. Of course, god help him if the family ever found out. But Korean men can also be deceiving. Many foreign women delude themselves into thinking that Korean men are all innocence and naiveté. But that would be a big mistake – Korean men play their own dating games, we just don’t understand the rules.
But if you can have a few laughs and a good time, nobody gets hurt. Unfortunately, the relationships often go much further than that and it is the foreign woman that ends up with the broken heart. Dating a Korean man is a great way to understand the culture, and to understand that you will never be a part of it. While it is also difficult for foreign men dating Korean women to be accepted into Korean society – it is next to impossible for foreign women to achieve acceptance.
Historically, women are always expected to give up their family when they marry, and sometimes their country. However, men can not and will not do the same – their first priority is their family, especially if they are the only son.
So what is the answer? I wish I knew. My only advice is to be careful, regardless of whom you date. If you thought dating was difficult back home, you’ll soon discover it’s hell in Korea.
I was into your comment, until it became obvious you’re a frustrated guy and a nationalist
Wow, you put a lot of thought into this. I guess I do agree to a degree that it’s very very difficult feor a foreigner to truly become accepted. On a positive note, though, I see this changing a bit. There are more interracial couples living happily in Korea :D ALso , I see your point on dating in Korea for a foreign women.. I know more Korean girls wanting to date foreign guys than korean men wanting to date foreign women, but I think it also has to do with how Korean men think they are perceived by the non-Korean community.
I absolutely loved reading this, cause I’m also a Canadian in Toronto, dating a guy from South Korea and I have to say, I see all the similarities that you’ve mentioned. I’m a teenager in high school and I’m actually really inspired to write my own version of what it’s like dating a Korean guy, being in an interracial relationship. Would you mind if I used your post as a comparison for differences and similarities? Kind of like a your perspective versus my perspective.
Ara- thank you!! You’re more than welcome to use my post as long as it’s linked back somewhere in your post. Good luck with your guy!
Aww, that sounds amazing! How’d you two meet? :)
Can you give me your link of your blog? I wanted to know in high schooler version! Since I graduated from high school too
My Korean boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 10 months now and we’ve been living together for 7 months already. I don’t know if it’s just me, but he is sooooo not-Korean, if I am going to define him using the expectations that you’ve laid down here.
On keeping in touch, well, I guess you could say that I am the needy one. I always text him to check on him and I thought it would be a little bit irritating on his part. But no, he likes it whenever we exchange messages to one another. Oh yes, we are living together and we still text each other on Kakaotalk, or on Skype (while working), or through text messages. There were some rough times though. If he gets really busy or has to go drinking with his higher-ups and cant spare time to text me, I get really anxious and crazy and he’d tell me later on to not worry. Of course, when he gets home I get something like a token for not bugging him or for understanding him. :P
When it comes to dressing up, well, we don’t dress up for dates. Even before we started living together, we didn’t actually put on too much effort in keeping up with our appearances. I once bugged him about that and he told me that we could be both good-looking whether we dress up or not. So it doesn’t matter at all whether we come to dates in our best suit or ragged clothes.
On being an oppa, well, he’s really playing the role well. He’s five years older than me and he really feels like it’s his responsibility to take care of me wherever we go. So it’s like whenever we get hungry, he’ll be the one to prepare meals (and in return, I will be the one to wash the dishes). Whenever I go to work, he makes sure I get to work safely by getting me a service car or taxi (and charging to his card). He does everything that he can do for me, and I really appreciate it.
For the celebration thing, well we don’t do that. I once greeted him for our 100 day celebration. He appreciated it but he told me that it would be best if we dont count the dates or years that we’ve been together. It’s best for us to just enjoy the moment and don’t let the years define our relationship. I get him on that, although he still agreed when I told him I’d like to have an anniversary celebration. Well, we’ve agreed that we’ll only be celebrating Christmas, New Year, Valentines Day, My Birthday, and Our Anniversary. ( I silently added, HIS BIRTHDAY.)
I guess you could say he’s a little bit conservative on the side and doesn’t follow whatever’s the norm in Korea. And I love him for that.
waaa thank you for sharing your story. It really helps breaking the somewhat unfair assumptions that all Korean guys are needy and controlling. From your story, I can tell you guys are comfortably in love. I wish you guys many more happy days.
how about girl already married and korean guy knows it too. But he likes to date with her? Is he seriously dating or just for fun?
Im korean man.
The answer is just for fun.
Actually this is exactly how it is in Japan as well. Thank you for putting into words how it is. I feel like a lot of people may be offended/try to fight this but it’s the sad reality.
what about korean guys in umm uhh america are they the same like imprego you then leave you or are they in america polite respectful well dressed but also fun loving and romantic because how can you resist a cute well structured,polite,fun loving korean guy over an ugly hairy white guy
WTF sis why are you on here? but sister I totally agree though I want a japanese or korean but ladies the problem is you don’t want them from there actual country because they are acting better here in america even though america sucks balls because japan is a strict slightly perverted place (talking about my home country like this forshammed) and there more into jobs yen etc. than romance and the asian boys in america have been ra
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