While Sister Sleeping
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While Sister Sleeping
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I masturbated onto my sleeping sister for two years and the guilt and...
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What was the most inappropriate thing your sister did to you while you...
I masturbated onto my sleeping sister for two years and the guilt and shame is wrecking my life.
I masturbated onto my sleeping sister for two years and the guilt and shame is wrecking my life.
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This happened over 40 years ago and I have lived with this secret for all those years. It warped my sexual identity and my marriage.
I found Reddit and hoped that confessing my awful behaviour will help.
I was fifteen and one of my sisters was 13. My brother and I shared a very small room that had trundle beds (one bed was stored beneath the other). When the bed was popped up they were right next to each other.
My brother came down with measles or chickenpox (can’t remember) and to keep my sister and I from catching it, my mother had him sleep in my sister’s room and she slept in his bed .
I woke up during the night and it was summer and I remember the moonlight shining in the window. I looked over and my sister was sleeping and her leg was not covered up and right at the edge of my bed. My penis became hard as I looked at her leg. I touched her leg and she didn’t wake up. Then I lay next to her and pressed my erection against her leg. Ultimately, I rubbed my erection on her until I came. This was my first orgasm with another person.
She didn’t wake up and nothing happened the next day. I did it again for the next few nights until my brother recovered and they switched rooms. I thought about this when I masturbated for the next week or so.
Then one night, I went into her room and did it again. And again and again. A few times she would stir or move and I would retreat, but if she was sleeping deeply I would continue until I reached orgasm. I got bolder and would actually climb up on her bed to do what I had to do. She never work up, and she never by word or action or look made me feel she knew what I was doing.
We moved to a new house and again her room was next to ours. Usually three of four nights I would do this. I continued doing it for the next two years until I left for college.
I knew what I was doing was wrong then and I know it now. There were times when I was able to live more or less normally and times when those thoughts obsessed my life.
I got married, had two daughters and continued to live and try and be normal. I never touched my daughters in any way. My job required that I travel a lot, and away from my wife and kids, and I started watching porn, writing incest stories and masturbating way to much, while fantasizing about teenage girls.
We are separated now and instead of trying to meet women, I sit in my room and write incest porn and masturbate and other unhealthy activities.
I have thought about talking to my sister (we live thousands of miles apart) about this many times, but I can’t bring myself to do it. What good would come of it I tell myself.
A few days ago I read a post from a guy who did a similar thing only he got caught. He said of course she knew what he was doing. That rocked my world! I had always assumed that my sister was completely unaware of my nocturnal visits. But what if she was awake? That is even more horrible to contemplate. There are a few more things I have done sexually that I am not happy with, but this was the big one.
I can’t tell a psychiatrist (I know because I have tried therapy several times).
So there we are… will it help telling the world anonymously? I don’t know… maybe…
I will let you know how I feel… thanks for listening and letting me get this off my chest.
I'm sorry but there's a good chance she knew. As a young girl, I had to play dead too sometimes. :(
That said, you were a kid. It was a huge mistake. I have no clue how to fix it. I would be mortified if one of the people who had done that to me brought it up. I'm the type that just wants the past to stay there. I turned out okay and your sister probably is too.
I'd see a therapist for your other items though as they seem to affect your relationships.
"As a young girl, I had to play dead too sometimes."
That is so heartbreaking, and I know exactly what you're talking about. That horrible feeling came right back.
I'm also ok (relatively speaking), and happy you are too! I wish I had advice for OP. How confusing all this must be for him.
I wish you and OP the best of luck with everything.
My stepbrother came into my room for two years and touched me in my sleep. I still have to see him at family gatherings, and my disdain for him is near impossible to mask. When I brought my boyfriend to meet the family, he had to pretend like he knew nothing. It is humiliating and infuriating.
It ruined my adolescence. I slept in fear every night. I shared a room with my sister, and if I locked the door she'd get angry- what about a fire? she'd say-- we'd be trapped. This is how I know he was only doing it to me, and not her.
It created distance and resentment between myself and my family. I used to self-harm and no one knew why. I was completely miserable, depressed, drank, did drugs- my parents thought I was a problem child, going through extreme teenager rebellion, etc. The rift between my parents and myself was so hard to mend, and they still do not know why.
I don't know if he knows now that I was awake. Maybe he just thinks I'm a bitch for the way I treat him (I'm twenty-nine now, I was fourteen-sixteen when this was going on), I know my family doesn't understand my hatred toward him. They must suspect, right?
If I were you I would reach out to her in the form of a SIMPLE APOLOGY ACKNOWLEDGING REGRET AND WRONGDOING. Nothing else. Don't ask for forgiveness. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but this shit is really fucked up and you most likely scarred her in ways you don't understand.
I am a fully realized person, I am not a victim- I choose not to identify that way. But you do not deserve forgiveness, she deserves truth and again- acknowledgement .
I should also add that in addition to all of that- I personally feel guilt for not reporting it. What if he went on to hurt other women? What if I could have helped them? What if he has daughters one day, and molests them? Is he a sociopath? Should he be put away?
I cannot even imagine what this would do to my poor parents, however.
I am sorry that happened to you. My sister never exhibited any outward problems like yours. I tell my self (and believe) that she truly was unaware of my actions. That was why I think I continued to do it... she didn't know. I have told myself that for forty years.
I don't want forgiveness (because the only way I can go on is believing that she doesn't know). Thanks for you honesty...
There seems to be a few comments saying to talk to her about it and that she probably knew. But if she doesn't act any differently to you, and seems perfectly happy and content, I would keep your mouth shut. You're going to cause a rift in your family for something that happened 40 years ago.
If I was your sister, I would NOT want to know. I would never be able to stop wondering what else you did that you're not admitting to, I would never be able to look you in the eye again and I would very well go to the police so you'd never see your children or nieces/nephews.
If you're truly not a threat to children, and only you can answer that, then I suggest you forgive yourself for something you did when you were young.
Was she violated? Yes. Does she need to live a horror she may have been blissfully ignorant about all these years? No, I don't think so.
I have never hurt any child in that way... ever!
Of course she woke up and knew. But she was too terrified to do anything.
My brother did the same to me. I always knew. He was more aggressive though and did stuff when I was awake, even raping me once.
Interestingly enough it's incredibly common for older brothers to sexually molest younger sisters. It's a part of sexual awakening. It made me feel better to know I wasn't alone in this, but I've always felt dirty and hated my brother for what he did to me and it took a very long time for me to be able to be intimate with men because they disgusted me sexually and reminded me of my brother.
At the same time, because this is such a common occurrence, and it's so difficult to control (trust me, my parents tried), I refuse to have kids. I could never forgive myself if I had a son and then a daughter. I'd be constantly worrying what he was doing to her when I wasn't looking.
I did something similar when I was younger...but I'm fairly certain that my sister knew about it...and was into it. She recently opened up to me and admitted to not only basically forcing our younger neighbor (female) to kiss her while playing house, but also to having "sex" with my friend at the time (we were probably around 9 or 10 at the time) and to hinting towards wanting to be touched in her sleep.
"I used to tell you and your friends that I was a really heavy sleeper and that if they tried to do anything to me while I was asleep, I wouldn't wake up. Then I'd go to bed early and wait for someone to come in, but they never did."
I'm still sexually attracted to her, but I honestly don't feel bad about it at all. Maybe it's just because the feeling is mutual? I'm not sure. Recently she actually made me promise that, no matter how out of control she might get, that I wont let us have incest. I don't know if I'll be able to keep that promise if that day ever comes though. But at least now I know that she was already fucked up, and my own fucked up desires had nothing to do with the way she is.
Yeah it is very common in one form or anther. The difficult bit is understanding our sexual motivations for ourselves, since one of the prices we pay for living in our "sexually laid back" society is that we've moved the guilt into anything to do with children or childhoods.
Sexual arousal is a feeling. It's what you act on that determines who you are. A lot of men fantasise about taboo things. Growing up, many people learn their boundaries one way or another. Some people have clearly defined ones due to astute parental guidance, and other people have to learn through trial and error.
I grew up with a lot of guilt over what I did with my sister who was 18 months younger than me. I remember looking back that she was fine with me playing "doctors and nurses" which I can distinctly remember grown-ups laughing about and dismissing as nothing more than childish adventures.
Only as she grew older in the post-feminist, anti-effeminate, paranoid society did she read sinister motives and traumatic results from our games. Incredibly sad really. It's just a stick to beat us men with to punish us for our grandfather's generation sexist behaviour.
Accepting yourself what you did is the first step for healing... Having said that. 40 years is a long time to let go... if it is about clearing your conscience then i'd rather suggest you to be the best of a brother to her now on... because, there is a slight chance she dosnt know nothing about it or even wanted it! If that is true... Your confession could traumatize her. And about your other problem. Meditate, use your energy in other forms, get busy, get social, do things you never had time to... Life should only be lived positively no matter what.
So this has made you some kind of incest fantasist these days?
I would never divulge this information... you were young... though I can't say it's not disturbing that some of these perversions have apparently carried into your adult life... despite having had a family between times :-/
I'll give you my two cents, and this might not be popular but here goes:
Let it go. I too have done things in my life that I am ashamed of, hurt people, and I have to remind myself every single day that carrying around guillt and shame for those things will not help anyone. The shame and secrecy that you have now will not help you and it will not help your sister. We must give up all hope of ever having a better past. That said, you can make better decisions in your future.
I think something someone else said is probably true, that she couldn't have slept through that that many times. If there is a way to bring it up to her, then acknowledgement and sincere apology and remorse is the thing to do, along with offering any amend that you could make ($ for therapy, etc). Don't expect her to be forgiving, just do it for yourself. But only you can sense whether and WHEN it would be more helpful to do this then to not do it.
Again, just my two sense. Might not be the most popular.
If as you say, it hasn't impacted her life in any negative way, I would refrain from talking to her about it as it might make her lose respect for you. People keep saying she probably knew but if she didn't and you tell her you create a problem that didn't need to exist. If she did know, it would likely not change anything if you brought it up or reminded her, so it's safe to say that you are better with the former option.
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