When the Net Went Off and My Head Got Loud

jan 8 when the net went off, i didn’t just get “annoyed”. i started panicing for real. like stress attacks, mind racing, body tense, the whole thing.

because it hit me from like three directions at once.

first: i’m in the middle of apply for grad school. and suddenly everything i had open, everything i was doing, just stayed there… incompelete. and the scary part wasn’t even “it’s off”, it was “ok but does it come back?” and if it comes back, when? because deadlines don’t wait for iran to breathe.

second: it happened during exams. and bro everything is online now. lecture notes, materials, announcements, random pdfs, even the “where is the exam” type stuff. i had nothing. you’re sitting there like you should study, but study what? from where?

third: let’s be honest, i’m addicted. like i’m not even trying to make it poetic. disconnection felt exactly like when you don’t get the thing you’re used to getting. your hand goes to your phone automatically, your brain keeps asking for updates, and there’s just… nothing.

then after a few days, panic didn’t stay panic. it turned into this tired, ugly exhaustion. not “i worked hard” tired. more like “i’m stuck and i can’t move my life” tired. and it was pissing me off because it wasn’t even my choice, but it was still ruining my stuff. work? stopped. research? dead. apply? vague. study? half impossible.

so i started doing the only thing that didn’t need internet. i increased exercise like crazy. 6 hours, 7 hours, sometimes 8. not because i’m a productivity god or something. just because there was literally nothing else to do. and also because if i stop, my head starts eating me.

and my mood… it wasn’t one mood. it was like a slider. some days i’m one step away from punching a wall. some days i’m like “it’s gonna be ok” and i’m saying it more to keep myself together than because i believe it.

then the “reconnection” news started. protests slowed down a bit, people said international internet might come back, and i swear for a moment i felt relief like it’s physical. like finally, ok, we’re back.

and then again the opposite side comes out like “no, not yet, we shouldn’t reconnect this soon” and it becomes this loop that kills you: hope, then shutdown. hope, then shutdown. and it’s not even the disconnection itself at that point—it’s the uncertainty that keeps hitting your nervous system.

right now it’s this weird middle situation. some stuff is open, like google, chatgpt, a few things. but the real stuff i need? still vague. my apply is still vague. my exams are still vague. and i don’t feel stable at all.

i’m writing this because i feel empty, that’s it. and also because i keep telling myself “tolerate it”. like tolerate this state, tolerate this bullshit, because the whole point is to get out of this hell called the islamic republic of iran. and i had nobody to tell this to, so i’m just dropping it here.