When Your Little Brother Has Been A Bad Boy

When Your Little Brother Has Been A Bad Boy
Warning: Graphic violence and necrophilia ahead.
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Oh, God, guys, I’m so terrified. I always knew. I always knew something was off about my little brother, but now… please, I need help. I just don’t know what to do.
Anyone who knows me can tell you that I’m your prototypical overprotective big sister. My little brother, Jeremy, is five years younger than me. He’s a sweet kid, but really quiet, the kind who wears glasses and gets shoved around in the hallway. When I was in high school, I followed him through the middle school hallways, watching out for him like a hawk so his bullies couldn’t get to him. I don’t mean to brag, but I was pretty popular, so I was able to use my influence to protect him while I was in the school. After I graduated, it got more difficult. I heard about it even all the way at university. Mom would call me crying about Jeremy. The other kids called him names: freak, psycho, creep. It used to make my blood boil – if I was home, I’d never let anyone hurt Jeremy.
The thing is, though, Jeremy never seemed bothered by the bullying. When kids would shove him, or give him disgusted looks, or laugh at him as he walked down the hallway, or trash his locker… he just walked through school with his head down, drifting off into his own little world. I used to really worry about him, you know? He really daydreams. He just can’t seem to stay in this reality.
But he’s still my little brother. My sweet, quiet, space-case little brother.
I was thrilled when I came home last spring break and discovered that Jeremy had landed himself a girlfriend. As soon as I walked in the door, he was talking nonstop about this girl, Theresa. She’s beautiful, she’d kind, she’s smart, she likes all the things Jeremy likes… on and on. Now, you have to understand, Jeremy almost NEVER talks. I’m the closest person to him in this world and he never says more than five sentences a day to me.
Of course, I was so excited for him. But I was also a little suspicious about this girl. As soon as he said her name, I went into overprotective sister mode. I started poking and prodding, asking questions in an attempt to really understand this Theresa chick. I asked him how they met, but what I really wanted to know was what her intentions were. What’s she like? But the real question was why she was going after my quiet, harmless little brother? Do you see each other often? Does she live around here? That meant: When do I get to meet her and grill her for myself?
Jeremy seemed blissfully unaware of the true intent of my interrogation. He answered all my questions freely and dreamily. I took careful note of all his answers, mentally promising to wring her little neck if she made him cry.
Unfortunately, I went back to college before I got to meet his little sweetheart. I decided I’d step aside – begrudgingly – and give their relationship the opportunity to flourish. This was, after all, his first girlfriend. I didn’t want to ruin his chances by making his family seem psycho.
Fast forward a few months. I came back for summer break and noticed that Jeremy had gone back to his usual self: quiet, unfocused, self-contained. As soon as we were alone, I inquired after his girlfriend.
“We broke up.” He didn’t sound heartbroken or even a little upset. He said it matter-of-factly, and I was left wondering what on earth had happened. I asked my mom, but she was just as clueless as I was: apparently one day he’d just stopped mentioning her and that was that.
Now, something about this didn’t sit quite right. When my first boyfriend and I broke up, I was absolutely crushed. Jeremy was taking this a little too well…. What had happened? Was he too embarrassed to tell his big sister?
Ultimately, I pulled a really dick move. Jeremy went out for a few hours – he has a little fort in the woods behind our backyard where he likes to study and read. He left his phone to charge on his desk. I snuck guiltily into his room and decided a quick little peek wouldn’t hurt anyone.
I found his texts with Theresa and started from the beginning. Turns out they’d met on some Internet forum and started chatting there. She lived only 20 minutes away, but they had been texting and apparently officially “dating” for weeks before the topic of meeting each other was seriously considered.
To be honest, the texts were pretty normal at first. They were sweet and syrupy and just a little cringey. They texted some pictures, but nothing dirty (thank God). It culminated with them planning to meet on May 3rd after school. His last text said: “I can’t wait to see you tonight, I love you <3.”
Seriously, it’s so weird. No more texts, and when I checked his call history, I found that there were no more calls, either. Something was up with that. Had something gone wrong that night? What was up?
Frustrated, I decided to check the Internet. I’d figured out her full name from the text messages so I figured it would be easy to do a quick Google search to find her Facebook, Twitter, and whatever else.
My heart practically stopped when the top hit was a missing person’s report.
I read through the report frantically, my heart lodged firmly in my throat. Theresa Evans, age 15, never returned home from school on May 3rd, reported missing May 4th, anyone with information regarding her disappearance is to contact the police immediately…
Something was wrong. Something was dreadfully wrong. My mind was racing through the possibilities. Had they been assaulted? Was Jeremy too afraid to come forward about whatever had happened? Was he being threatened?
The back door slammed as Jeremy came back home. I threw his phone back on his desk (I’d been clutching it mindlessly) and raced downstairs, trying to act casual. Jeremy, being his usual spacey self, didn’t notice my evasiveness or the sheen of sweat on my forehead.
That night after Jeremy had gone to bed, a plan started to form in my mind. I wanted answers, but at this point I didn’t want to ask Jeremy directly. So how could I find them? Jeremy’s backwoods sanctuary came to mind. He spent so much of his time out there reading and hanging out. I knew he’d built a nice little fort for himself. Maybe there was something out there that could shed some light on this insanity.
Once mom had also gone to bed, I grabbed a flashlight and set off. It took me a few wrong turns to remember how to get out there. Damn, that kid liked his isolation. Eventually I saw the little shack and felt relief wash through me. I don’t know why, but seeing it made me feel reassured. It was just a little shanty, and Jeremy was just my sweet little brother. All my worries were for nothing, weren’t they?
As I got closer to the shack, the smell hit me. That smell… I’d never smelled it before, but instantly I knew what it was. Oh, God, no. I ran into the shack, holding my shirt in front of my nose.
Theresa’s body was spilled out on the floor. She was decaying badly at this point. I was gagging as I looked at her corpse, trying to hold down my lunch. Her clothes had been ripped off and she’d been placed on a blanket acting as a makeshift bed. I got a little closer and my world started turning.
There was white… stuff… between her legs and her chest. It was… oh, God, it was Jeremy’s…
I ran outside as far as I could and threw up. And I puked again. And again. Oh, sweet Jesus, my little brother…
I walked back in a daze and crawled into bed, shivering. Oh, man, I had to call the cops. I had to get them involved. But… but my brother… but Jeremy…
I ended up staying at a friend’s house for a few days. I told my mom we were going out of town on a road trip, but really I just needed some time to figure out what I was going to do. Of course, I had to tell the cops. But… but could I do that? Oh, please, not my sweet little brother…
I returned home yesterday, utterly exhausted and having reached no conclusions. As soon as I walked in the door, I heard Jeremy’s animated, excited voice. My chest tightened up as I walked into the kitchen and saw him talking mom’s ear off.
I looked at the two of them warily. “Hey, Jeremy. What’s up?”
He grinned at me and said, “Hey, guess what, Hannah? I got a new girlfriend!”
Oh, God, please help me. I think I’m going to be sick…
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I have a happy easy going five-year-old boy who recently started hitting and scratching his 2 ½ year-old sister and behaving much more defiant. I try not to react with anger—which it really does make me, because my siblings and I fought often and never learned to not hit, we went to school with scabs on our arms from scratching each other. Additionally it was my older siblings who started this and I felt they were never stopped by my parents, thus my younger sister and I felt afraid and unprotected. I am watchful not to overreact, shame, or yell and spank him for his hitting, although I feel I need to ensure his sister's safety and put an end to this behavior. I ask him how he can handle his anger with out hitting. He came up with some great alternatives, ones was to talk to her.
Unfortunately in a real situation, Talking to his 2 1/2 year-old sister does little good since she does not yet understand. I also don't want him to look to me to solve every conflict (which was his father's solution..." Tell mom or dad what she did instead of hitting her and we will handle her"). His sister has usually taken his toy or knocked down his building made of blocks, or pulled his hair or scratched him. I understand her behavior, I think she is lashing out at him because she doesn't have the words to tell him to stop, and he does seem to take great pleasure in aggravating her, poking her stomach nana-nana, boo-boo type stuff, but I tend to think that by age 5 he should have more tools and self control.
After an incident at his new school we were visiting, in front of his new teacher, (he punched his sister in the stomach for knocking down the blocks he built...not hard, she did not even cry, but I still worry about where it will go unchecked, not to mention the embarrassment, and first impression he made on his teacher!!!) I don't think I handled it very well either. I just said " Jimmy you need to remember to use your words and not hit) Not in a very stern voice at all. I was worried to shame him in front of his new teacher. In retrospect maybe I should have said " we need to leave not hitting is not okay and took him by the hand and walked out". I did sit him on the bench in front of the school and calmly asked him what he thinks I should do when he forgets and hits again, he said just remind me and tell me not to do it. I said that this was not working because he seems to be doing it a lot. I asked what he thought of me taking away a quarter of his each time he forgets and hits--he did not like it and said no I just won't let you take it. I said well we need to think of something because hitting is not okay. Do you have any other suggestions.
Do you have any books on five and six year olds that might give me more insight...He seems so defiant and not his usual self that I tend to think it might be a developmental thing, ( as well as having a 2 1/2 year-old sister and 1 year-old sister...) we have tried keeping blocks and things in his room off limits to his sister, what else can we do. I think it will get a lot better once he is in school, and they are not together as much. I appreciate your suggestions, and love Positive Discipline for Preschoolers and Positive Discipline the First Three Years . I hope you might have another book similar to, but dealing with 5 and 6 year olds thanks!!
I'm one of the Certified Positive Discipline Associates who answers the questions posted on the website. I am also the mother of 2 boys who are now 10 and 13. I've been using Positive Discipline in my home for the last 9 years. I remember the age 2-5 years well! Especially when it comes to sibling rivalry. It sounds like you are already following a lot of the principles and practices of PD. The fact that you did not try to shame your son in front of the teacher was a great example of this. In addition, the fact that you have involved him in the problem solving process is another way that you are using the pro-active PD tools. And keeping blocks in his room away from his sister shows that you are willing to respect his need to have some things to himself. Good for you!
Now let's look at what might be happening in the situation you described so you can get a glimpse of the bigger picture that might be going on. I'm going to start out by saying several things. August is generally the time that I get calls from my parent coaching clients saying " Help! My kids are driving me crazy!" I remind them that this time of year ( end of summer) is one of the transition times that typically cause a little more excitement and anxiety in everyone. If it were a Bernstein Bear book it might be titled "Too Much Summer." We tend to get off regular schedules, which are a foundation for most kids, especially the little ones. I'm also crankier at this time because I'm a person who functions much better when I am on a routine. Other transition times to watch out for are: before and right after Christmas, the beginning of Spring, and the end of the school year. Being aware of these times can help you keep things in perspective.
Secondly, you mention that you are feeling "angry" when he hits because " my siblings and I fought often and never learned not to hit...Additionally it was my older siblings who started this and I felt they were never stopped by my parents thus my younger sister and I felt afraid and unprotected."
I am the 6th of 7 siblings so I too know the feelings that come with that position. This experience makes it easy for me to understand how my youngest child feels in situations with his older brother. However if I use the experience ineffectively, it can let it cloud my vision of the bigger picture and keep me from extending that understanding to my older son as well.
When my children were little, the 3 of us came up with respectful words that could be used in a variety of situations. They were short and basic. First the child would request an action, " Please don't touch my blocks." followed by " Please respect my words." MOST of the time it was effective.
This does not mean that they did it all on their own. For the first couple weeks I monitored as closely as I could to make sure that the agreement was being kept. This means if the code words "Please respect my words." were not being respected, I would either make a physical appearance without saying anything, or I would say " Please respect your brother's words." This was sometimes followed by "Do you need time to cool off?" "Do you want me to go with you?"
Once they got through that initial 2 weeks, if they called for my help I would simply say, "You guys need to work it out." And they got very good at it until one point in time when my older son had a big growth spurt. He became enamored with going back to being physical with his little brother because of the excitement of his new found strength. So one day the younger one calls out to me to help settle one of their fights and I stated my usual "You guys work it out." Then he yells back " I don't know how to anymore cause he's a lot bigger than me!" Sure enough his brother, having the physical advantage, had him in some sort of leg lock.
So we had another pow-wow to explain to them both that physical combat is not acceptable in our family and let them come up with new words of respect. In addition, to give recognition to my older son's new Samson-like status, I made sure to ask him to help with household tasks that required more strength so that he would have an appropriate place to flex those growing muscles.
I hope this story reflects several points that I think might give you some insight. One of those is that it's important to not make one child feel like the "bad" one and the other the "good" one. They both play a part in creating the situation. It empowers children when we help them learn how to handle these situations no matter what their age or position is. And while it's important to involve them in the problem solving process we can't forget that they may need help from time to time keeping the age appropriate agreements that are made. In addition, we need to take into account the developmental stages of growth that are going on for both children and help them to express those newfound characteristics in positive ways.
Now let's look at little more closely at what might be going on in your family. The first clue that you give is in how you feel when your son hits, "Angry." If you look at the "Mistaken Goals Chart" in your PD book, you'll see that children sometimes choose "negative" behaviors in order to feel belonging and significance in their family. One of the ways we determine which path they have chosen is by how the parent feels. In your case it's, angry. This would indicate that the Mistaken Goal is "Power". In addition, his developmental stage requires him to develop his autonomy and power. Those 2 factors right there can create a really strong urge to find or create power in any way he can. If he is not being given the chance to find it in "positive" ways, he will try through the alternative. He seems to be accomplishing this very effectively with his behavior! Wow! He's giving it all he's got to develop the things he needs to at this time in his life. He's doing his job.
The part most parents get confused about is how to do your job in response.
Let's look at that. Your job is to support his developmental growth ( in this case it's for autonomy and power) in positive ways and to help him to learn how to respect and be respected by his siblings.
By what you wrote, it sounds like your feelings from your own experiences with siblings may be distorting your view of the situation and not allowing you to fully do that job. You may need to trust that, with your help, he and your daughter are capable of learning to use words instead of fists. Setting up agreements in advance is only one part of that process. They will both need more hands on from you to follow through on the agreement.
You may also want to find ways to celebrate his strength and give him opportunities to be powerful in positive ways. "Because he's 5 now", what tasks can he do to contribute to the household chores? Does he get an extra 15 minutes to stay up at bedtime?
Also, you may want to set up "special time" for you and he alone as well as time for your 2 1/2 yr- old and you alone. This can be 10-15 minutes a day. Use a timer and let the child choose the activity. You could also make a "Special Skills Chart" for both of them. Using craft paper, trace eac
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