Whats A 3 Some
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Whats A 3 Some
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Gigi Engle
Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator.
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Threesomes top the charts of many a sexual fantasy. Their popularity knows no bounds. According to a survey by ABC N ews , 21 percent of Americans have had a threesome fantasy.
So, what about those who have actually gone a step further and had sex in a trio, whether as a joining part or as part of a couple? What are those experiences like? We all want to know.
And if you’re thinking of trying a threesome, it doesn't hurt to know what you’re in for, plus how (or if) it will affect your relationships with the people involved.
To get the lowdown, we asked seven real people about their threesome experiences and how bringing this fantasy to life affected them afterward.
"My partner and I spent time with a female friend visiting from Canada. We spent an entire day in each other’s company, talking and laughing. We talked so late into the night that it made sense for her to stay at our place instead of driving her back to her hotel room. The three of us came together for a group hug and she nuzzled my neck. It was all the encouragement I needed. Our hands and mouths were everywhere at once. My partner was content to watch but in the heat of the moment, I desperately wanted to see them together. I invited him in—with her consent—and we switched back and forth between each other. I was overcome with emotion—positive emotions. I’d never experienced my partner’s pleasure from the outside looking in, but I could think of nothing better. I truly felt like my heart expanded to encompass the moment and their shared passion. I’d never loved him more than I did in that moment.
"After it was over and she went back home, we went through a bit of grief from missing her. My partner and I spent a lot of time checking with each other—and her. We talked over the details, and the few issues we’d felt. Specifically, I felt excluded once or twice—not from their play but from knowing about it. That’s when we learned that I was comfortable with much of what they did together (without me), but nothing could feel like a secret or an unknown. That was a moment in time when we learned we might have the capacity for a poly relationship and allowing other people into our relationship. We established ground rules (based on what we knew at the time) and communicated. We were fortunate that our threesome ended so well. We’re still friends with that person and there’s talk of having another experience when she visits again." — Kayla, 38
"While living in San Francisco, I was invited to a private party in Napa—a bunch of lovely ladies and some power couples in a lavish vineyard mansion. We had dinner and plenty of wine and started playing silly games. I remember being invited to bed by a couple—I had never had a threesome—but I was curious. I liked the gal but the guy was okay—I didn't want to have sex with him so I made my boundary clear upfront: I didn't want to be kissed by him or to have sex with him, but he was welcome to touch and please me. He was very respectful. His girlfriend and I came and we fell asleep.
"The next morning...we all had started getting naughty again...then suddenly one of the other girls happened to walk into our room and next thing I knew—she joined us and started eating me out. EVERYTHING was so surreal. But it was fun. Sorta like a bucket list I was happy to check off." — Erin*, 34
Watch men and women come up with names for these adventurous sex positions:
"I have had multiple threesomes in my life. Most of them took place during my late teens, early 20s, and before I reached age 30.
"There were two instances where I was actually in monogamous loving relationships and the other woman was a friend of my then girlfriend. It was something spontaneous after having alcohol and listening to music. The women didn't spend the night either time.
"There wasn't a discussion about it in either instance, and the next morning I woke up almost feeling as if it were a dream. The other women never came by my place again and when we were together socially at events, it was as if it never happened."— Kevin, 60
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"When I was in high school, I got super high with my girlfriend and this guy we were mutual friends with. I can’t even remember how it happened, but suddenly she was going down on him and I was making out with him. This went on for a long time, like, maybe forty minutes. There was no sex. It was just a weird experience. I’m 100 percent gay so, I’m not even sure why this seemed like a good idea at the time. We never spoke of it again after it happened. I kept dating the same girl for a while. Eventually we broke up for unrelated reasons." — Brittney, 27
"It happened several years ago, with a friend I'd known for some time. We weren't particularly close, but always warm to each other when we were together. She and her fiancé wanted to experiment (we were, then, in our late 30s/early 40s), and I was safe and just outside of their regular, everyday group of friends. It was a loving, friendly experience—he and I decided early on (almost unspoken), that it would be all about giving my friend the ultimate fantasy , so we let her direct the pace and the activities.
"For me, it was an absolutely incredible experience; casual, fun, warm and lighthearted, with incredible passionate feelings wrapped all around. It only happened that one time. I think they've gone on to have a polyamorous relationship and have been together for five or so years now. She and I still write and text with the occasional phone call." — Jake*, 44
"I was out for a friend's birthday, and I told him one of my life goals was to have a threesome with two dudes who weren't creepy. I also said it would probably never happen.
"The next day, the same friend had a party at the apartment he lived in with a bunch of my other friends. A guy started chatting me up, and he seemed nice. Then a guy I'd been laying the groundwork earlier that week showed up. Turned out, they were best friends. I felt a little moral dilemma, since I didn't have a strong opinion about which guy I'd rather be with. They didn't seem to mind that both of them were flirting with me at the same time, though.
"As I got a little drunker, I decided to literally grab one, kiss him real hard, then turn to the other and do the same (my logic in doing that is still a little fuzzy). However, they both decided to roll with it. None of us lived within walking distance, so we ended up hooking up on the stairs to the basement. I ended up with bruises at even intervals on my back—right under my butt, mid-back, and neck.
"While there wasn't any issue in the moment (they were basically like 'we both get to bang the hot chick'), they were also slightly interested in something further with me. But both ended up backing off for the sake of their friendship." — Janet, 28
"My best friend and I met this guy when we were on vacation in Hawaii. We’d never hooked up before, but decided we wanted to have a threesome with this guy. He was a hot, older surfer dude. The threesome started out really well. We were all about it and all a little drunk. After a while, though, it started getting awkward and weird. Going down on a girl I’ve known since I was thirteen, and have been through so much with, made me uncomfortable.
"After it was over, we didn’t talk about it for a couple of days. Eventually, when we got back from vacation, we hashed it out. Things weren’t the same for a long time. We didn’t hang out as much as we used to. It was painful. Luckily, after a year or so we reconnected on a closer level and now things are back to normal. I didn’t expect my threesome experience to affect my relationship with my best friend that much. It was a really eye-opening experience." — Marie, 25
"After ending a five year relationship with a male partner I was really excited to dive back into dating women (duh) and also wanted to enter back into the casual sex arena. I hopped onto the traditional and not so traditional apps (Bumble and Feeld) and ended up quickly clicking with a gorgeous redheaded goddess in a somewhat open marriage.
"After our first date she invited me to a concert with her, her husband and her group of friends. Plenty of drinks later the three of us stumbled into my apartment. I had been a part of a few threesomes before, but never with a married couple and honestly it was the BEST one I have ever been in because of how open everyone was, how well they anticipated what each of them wanted, and also because they were both focused on pleasing me (maybe I just love being the guest star). To be honest, beforehand, the thought of having a threesome with a couple made me nervous because of potential jealousy issues—but there weren't any here." — Lynn, 26
Gigi Engle is a sex educator and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.
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This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io
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For many of us, threesomes are the kind of sexploits that only happen in the movies. But they don’t have to be permanently relegated to the realm of fantasy. With a little forethought and planning, you can make a three-way tryst a very sexy reality. Here's how.
If you're a single woman, Morse suggests dating sites, like Plenty of Fish , where couples may be looking for a third. The same goes for CraigsList—although she warns that you might find lots of weirdos, so you'll want to FaceTime or, better yet, meet them in a public place in person first. Other sites like FetLife and 3nder are also worth checking out. Another option is to go to your local sex toy store and talk to someone there, says Morse. You can ask the owners or clerks about what goes on in the community and probably find some fliers for parties or clubs.
Keep in mind that whether it's two women and a man or two men and a woman is entirely up to you as an individual or as a couple, although female-female-male is more common because guys tend to be less open-minded about including another man. That being said, a woman should never cave in just because her partner is pushing his preference. "It should never be a quid pro quo," says Morse. "You should want to do it."
Watch men and women spill the honest truth about exactly what they think about cheating:
If that goes well, then you can think about making a more direct ask. "Keep it light, and keep it fun," says Morse. A simple, "Hey, my partner and I think you're fun and you're cool. We want to have a threesome, and we think you'd be a good time. Is that something you'd be open to?" should do the trick. If you know the person, make it clear that you don't want the friendship to change. If it's a stranger or someone you connected with online, take some time to get to know each other first. Hang out to see if you're attracted to the person and could trust them.
But don't worry too much about making the big ask. The person on the receiving end will be flattered, no matter what.
(And don’t think making a certain activity off-limits will make your threesome worse, says Morse. "It can be really thrilling to have a threesome without penetration.")
If you’re in a relationship, you and your partner may also want to designate a safe word or phrase you can use in case things veer off course. "I need to get some water" or "I'm thirsty" are both good options. You should also tell the third person to speak up if he or she is ever uncomfortable.
Massage is also a great gateway to intimacy. Emily & Tony massage candles turn into a luxurious oil when blown out. You can use them to give a relaxing body rub that will seamlessly set the mood.
As for good positions to try, Morse suggests the guy lie on his back and enjoy oral sex from one woman while the other woman straddles his face so he can perform oral on her. Or have one woman lie on her back as the other woman lies on top of her. Then, the guy can enter the woman on top doggy style while the women touch one another. Another option: Arrange yourselves in a circle, and go down on each other.
"There are so many places to put our hands, our genitals, our mouths,” says Morse. “If you have a free hand or tongue, just get in there.”
If it ever seems like one party is left out, reach over and start playing with that person. This will help them get back in on the action.
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Wise men. Little pigs. Jonas Brothers. If you’ve seen any image of Idris Elba in a three piece suit you get it. Three is a magic number, especially when it comes to sex. The allure of the ménage à trois cannot be ignored. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, who interviewed over 4,000 couples for his book Tell Me What You Want, having a threesome is the top sexual fantasy , although men seem to be a bit more intrigued by the idea ( a separate study showed that 82% of men and 31% of women reported at least some interest in having a threesome).
However, people aren’t actually having that many threesomes , only 3% of people surveyed had a threesome in the past year, and only 1% of people surveyed had one in the past month. So, I reached out to people who have “regular or semi-regular” threesomes, and I learned a lot about what it takes to make one happen , and what makes them so damn hot.
“Before I was into all of this I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. Now that I recognize like-minded people, it is easy to sense someone’s ‘vibe’. It’s actually shocking how many people (especially couples) are out at the bars hoping to find a new recruit.” —Angela, 42, Oklahoma City
“I joke with my gay friends that setting up a threesome with two other gay men is more complicated than negotiating peace in the Middle East. Gay men tend to be VERY sexually picky, and if 2 people are interested in adding a third, the vetting process is exhaustive (multiple pictures of all parties from multiple angles and sexual preference resume as well as hosting negotiations).” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“We typically get to know someone in a group setting (not that kind of group—just out with friends) and then, if they seem like they would be interested after some mild flirting, my wife messages them asking if we can take them out—like on a real date, not just drinks or straight to our house.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“I would say the most common way we go about setting up threesomes is probably through Grindr.” —Sutter, 27, Columbus
“I approach someone with my partner there, flirt with the person enough to make it obvious, then have my partner flirt with them as well. You can kind of immediately tell if they’re into it or not, and I bow out if they seem in anyway confused or uncomfortable. It’s less awkward than you might think!” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Being intimate with a new person, the experience of seducing someone as a couple, and the various, um, ‘configurations’ you can try with a third person.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“Threesomes are as hot as the people involved. If sex with person A is hot, and sex with person B is hot, then it would stand to reason that sex with A and B at the same time would be just as hot, if not hotter. Threesomes, on their own, are not inherently hot.” —Yvonne, 29, Charlotte
“It's like being IN a porn that you are also watching. Also the attention. Also the taboo of it? If that makes sense? I love watching people fuck. I love fucking. Porque no los dos?” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“Actually, I’ve learned some new ways to push my husband’s buttons because of the way a third engages with him or tries something on him. So threesomes can be a great way to learn more about your own partner and yourself sexually.” —Ben, 32, Boston
“There are times where taking a break and watching your partner with someone can be a blast too. My wife, for example, shocked herself how quickly she would climax just watching me with another man” —Andre, 29, Houston
“It’s often been an all night affair and not just a 20-30 minute experience, which to me is pretty great!” —Thomas, 30, Asbury Park
“My first threesome was my best friend and I going up to a guy at a party and being really straightforward and asking if he would like to have a threesome with us.”—Margot, 20, Minneapolis
“My partner is a top; I am too (sometimes I bottom, he never bottoms). Oral got old and I wanted to keep dating, but not limit my sex to only our interactions. I was trying really hard to make ‘just us’ sex work, but after about three months of being sexually frustrated we had a talk and both revealed we had no problem being open.” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“My partner and I were both sharing stories about our sexual histories this one time, and the topic of threesomes came up. We both said we had them, and my partner said he wanted to have that experience with me, too.” —Corinne, 29, Chicago
“No kissing anyone el
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