What To Jerk Off To
⚡ ALL INFORMATION CLICK HERE 👈🏻👈🏻👈🏻
What To Jerk Off To
Edition US UK Australia Brasil Canada Deutschland India Japan Latam
California residents can opt out of "sales" of personal data.
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Tap to play GIF
Your weekday morning guide to breaking news, cultural analysis, and everything in between
This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.
Because there's more than one way to rub one out.
To help you get some new ideas, BuzzFeed asked people of all ages, genders, and sexualities to describe the nitty-gritty of how they actually masturbate. Here are tips from our readers with penises that you might want to try yourself.
"I have a body pillow with a super soft cover, and I recently discovered that folding it over and screwing it is quite the amazing substitute. The biggest and best Os I've ever had and my hand is enjoying its vacation."
"I get hand lotion, mix it with some petroleum jelly, and put it in a plastic baggie. I put the baggie on my cock and wank for five minutes. I stop, and wait to get a little harder, then wank til I cum.”
"What really works for me is JOI (Jerk Off Instruction), type of porn where someone — usually a woman — gives you specific instructions on what to do. Instructions including how fast to go, how long for, and sometimes asking you to eat the semen you've just produced."
"I use my girlfriend's vibrator on and around my balls. The vibrator really amplifies things. Wish I would have known about that when I was in high school."
"I always take a super soft blanket and lay it down on my bed, usually folded a few times to make it thicker. Then I set up some porn on my laptop and just lay on my stomach with my dick against the blanket. Then I just move my hips back and forth or up and down so my dick would rub against the blanket until I orgasm."
"Most commonly, I just jack off and I lube up a finger or two and stick them up in my butt. Let me tell you: It feels awesome to have both your prostate and your penis stimulated at the same time."
"I have a variety of toys that go in my butt — plugs, dildos, beads, and a prostate massager. I will start with a dildo. As I get closer to orgasm, I switch from my dildo/whatever is in my ass, to my prostate massager. The vibrations added with pushing it in and out usually drive me crazy to the point where I just grab my dick and jerk it until I cum."
"Seriously, it's worth it. Girls can have vibrators and dildos and stuff — it should be just as acceptable for guys to have toys that feel like having sex. Fleshlight reigns supreme, but Tenga Eggs are cheap and available on Amazon Prime."
"I usually enjoy watching myself get hard and get off over my webcam and pretending like people are watching. I'm not enough of an exhibitionist to actually stream it anywhere, but it helps turn me on."
"Try not to come too quick. When you feel it start to pop, STOP. Wait until things have calmed back down then do the whole thing three or four more times."
"Instead of stroking the shaft, I usually press my penis down flat and just rub the head rapidly — and lightly at first — with one hand and the other hand pressed on top for added pressure."
"The two-finger method just under the tip and rubbing the under portion of the shaft is the quickest way I get off."
"Instead of gripping it and jerking like most guys, I lay my penis flat on my belly and rub it until I cum. Almost like rolling dough into a breadstick shape."
"I squeeze and rub my nipples when I masturbate. It feels better."
"Don't knock until you try it. My girlfriend had me wear her silky panties one time and I really dug it, so I tried masturbating in them too (with her permission obviously). 10/10, would recommend that orgasm."
"I typically watch porn of some sort from one of those well-known tube sites. I usually draw it out for quite awhile. And when I cum, I will often time it along with the money shot in whatever scene I am watching."
"I sit in a kneeling position in front of my laptop and just stroke my dick and I often will fantasize that I'm in the porn. Sometimes I'll thrust to mimic the movements of having sex."
"When I'm really treating myself, I lather myself down in oil all over, smoke a bowl, and go to town with some lube."
"I am a big fan of the balls. I always give them a lot of attention first — cupping them, tugging them, rolling them around in my palm."
"I usually use just my thumb, index, and middle finger to jerk off, but will alternate full fist as well. They're pretty different sensations and switching it up helps."
"I've always liked a good lube better than lotion or Vaseline. I mean, it exists for a reason. My favorite is Boy Butter. Little squirt of that and I go to town."
"I sit on my left had while I watch porn. It quickly falls asleep. As I am right handed, once you've successfully made the left hand fall asleep, you get to business. The numbness makes it feel like someone else is doing the wanking! Good times."
Anna Borges is a senior staff writer for BuzzFeed.
Got a confidential tip? 👉 Submit it here
'Keep your concubine's name out of your royal mouth!'
A rewatch of any 20-year-old show is bound to have its “Oh, we don’t say that anymore” moments, so here are 10 that we spotted.
When you think of rock and roll, you may not think of Judy Garland, but there’s every reason that you should.
Like monkeys and Pokemon , masturbation is evolving. Our ancestors used to put a stick covered in termites in their proto-dicks to get off. Nowadays, we have robots that will give us space-age handies with a kung fu grip and lube designed by NASA, I assume. The NASA security guys won't let me snoop around, but I know what I know.
As with all things, though, we must ask: Is newer better? Sure, if you're dying of a terrible disease, you can go to a hospital for treatment with modern medicine, but some people still like the idea of using herbs to clear up a sucking chest wound. Who knows what might work? So with that in mind, I have decided to put my very body on the line to help you , fellow jackers, determine just what is the best method of wanking. Do the olden ways stand up to today's modern superjackoffery? Science will tell us!
I don't have a degree in anthropology or dick tuggery, but I am an amateur in both. It is therefore my nonprofessional belief that the origin of masturbation is connected to the right wrist. Even for you lefties. Back in the day, you wouldn't dare touch your precious genitals with your sinister devil's paw. Only the right hand would do.
So we can agree that masturbation probably first happened with a bare hand -- probably well before the 1920s, if you can believe it. Maybe one day, our monkey ancestor was sitting in his tree, lounging under a palm frond, enjoying some delicious papaya, when some of it slipped and landed on his little monkey dinky. He reached for it, grabbed both together, pulled, and suddenly we had nuclear power, iPhones, and Hot Pockets.
As it happens, I have tried this old chestnut myself once or twice, but for science, I did it again. So I hope that right now, you're picturing me literally stopping my writing of this article right here, pushing my chair back a little bit, pulling out the mayo, and starting to churn my own butter. Try to imagine some sound effects, like a grunt of consternation, a chipmunk-like tittering, and the bass growl of a tired and hungry bear.
Did you picture it? Monster. Anyway, I'm sure nearly all of you are aware that this is aces. It's hard to beat the good cheer brought about by your own hand. It knows just what you like, and if you're not too callused (or maybe you are and you dig texture), then it feels just fine, too. For you ladies, try to imagine something you really enjoy the feel of, repeatedly and rhythmically working your lady flower. I'm told by our research team that female masturbation is actually a thing these days as well, and has more fans than paddle boarding, so maybe imagine that.
As many fellows will tell you, about a year or two after you've mastered the hand technique, your mind starts wandering. Your hand is one thing in a world of many things. Probably, like, 400 things. What would those other 399 things feel like if they were jerking your gherkin? So you start experimenting. Maybe it's Halloween and you have a pumpkin handy. Maybe your beanbag chair sprung a leak and has an appropriately-sized orifice barfing beans in your room. Maybe you have a slice of ham.
I'm not saying there's anything inherently sexy about ham. I'm not saying you can't use turkey, or even tofurky, if you swing that way. I'm really just advocating the texture more than anything -- which, upon rereading this sentence, is somehow even more gross. Still, an industrious-yet-lonely man with a boner is basically a sexual MacGyver.
If you're not picking up what I'm putting down yet, allow me to elucidate. For this particular solo mission to Dribblesville, you need to take a slice of deli ham -- and in this case, you don't necessarily want it super thin -- and maybe pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds. Maybe you want it in a piece of bread for added grip, I don't know. I don't want to be the conductor on this train to penile trichinosis; I'm just sharing information. Point is, you wrap warm meat around your cyclopean flesh carrot, and strum away like Clapton performing his final concert.
This is a lot like regular masturbation, only the smell is much more off-putting. Have you smelled deli ham lately? Give it a try. Then rub it aggressively on your crotch for a few minutes. The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around. I can't recommend it.
Also, for safety's sake, you may want to give the ham a few seconds of downtime before drafting it to the big game, since microwaves are all programmed to heat on the 10/70/20 pattern, whereby 20 percent is lukewarm, 70 percent is mostly what you had in mind, and 10 percent is a state of bubbling plasma that could burn through an engine block, or in this case, your dong.
Fleshlight has apparently sold over seven million units worldwide. Heh. "Unit." Each one is like that horrible monster that Coach pukes up in Poltergeist , only instead of a demonic preacher's face, it's a molded rubbery vagina or bumhole. There's a reason Fleshlight hasn't hired me as an ad man. That aside, the inside of a Fleshlight is soft, squishy, and textured with various nubs, swirls, and ridges. The basic goal of a Fleshlight was to make a vagina into a handheld device; an idea that will get exponentially creepier the more time you devote to thinking about it.
Patented in 1998, the Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum: How can I rub my chub in a way that is more exotic and satisfying than using my hand, but will not leave a slime trail of salmonella bacteria on my sack? Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean their hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean. The existential sadness of anyone claiming that a disembodied rubber vag-sleeve is better than having sex with another person is something no Cracked columnist can dare take on without some serious alcohol to fuel the poetic ennui that will follow. I refuse the challenge, because I have masters to bate and a soul that still glows a little when you say nice things to it. Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no. No sir.
Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole. It's not bad at all. I would argue that a Fleshlight is to sex what Taco Bell is to a Mexican banquet. It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better than you will make fun of it. But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a.m., that shit is a godsend.
The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor. Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection. It's not work; it's personal grooming. You're cleaning your pipes. But the Fleshlight in hand makes it a bit more like mixing a never-ending martini that you can't drink -- and instead of an olive, you're garnishing it with man nectar that you need to hose out the end of a length of flopping, disembodied, pseudo-vaginal canal.
I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now. The Autoblow 2 is the most advanced form of wanking mankind has to offer. After this, we can only design robot arms with gentle-yet-firm jacking motions. And you know after the preliminary trials, the whole project is going to be set back when one goes haywire and yanks some volunteer's dick off with such force that it gets javelined across a room and embedded in a brick wall.
The Autoblow takes the basic premise of a Fleshlight -- a fake, semi-realistic vagina with a tail -- and adds a new dimension of awesome that the old Fleshlight failed miserably at achieving. This dimension is, of course, autonomy. You can read a damn book while this thing grinds your organ. You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow. But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever. Sky's the limit.
The clear upside of the Autoblow is that it finally takes masturbation out of your hands. You just have to be comfortable with a Donkey Kong-esque barrel on your junk. It has variable speeds as well, so you can go from lazy Quaalude mumble-munch to Furious 7 Vin Diesel power gulp. The downside to the Autoblow, depending on how you feel about noise, is that it sounds like you're being blown by the factory from the end The Terminator . Just a cacophony of churning, rumbling gears, and actuators slouching along towards Jizzrael.
The other issue here is one of balance. The Autoblow's big selling point is that it saves you the dreaded carpal tunnel and wrist stress of all compulsive masturbators before you, but it's still not entirely hands-free. It's got girth -- it's like you're trying to fuck a two-liter bottle of root beer that's really into it -- but you either have to hold it up or, as I said, find some way to balance it. Or as a last ditch effort, you need to stand and place it at wang level with something to weigh it down and just be there, in the moment. A dude with his dick in a blowie machine.
Has technology improved the wank? Have our advances in texturized rubbers improved our alone time? Is the handjob your grandfather's handjob? After thorough consideration, weighing all pros and cons, I have to conclude that traditional, you-and-your-dirty-kielbasa-claw masturbation is still the best form. Why? Ease of use. It's as simple as that. Sure, the Autoblow is an impressive sensation, but can you do that on an elevator with a hole cut in the pocket of your dress pants without anyone else noticing? Not at all. Are you taking a few minutes out of your workday to "go to the bathroom" and bringing a Fleshlight? Do you dare smuggle a ham sandwich into a movie theater?
Fact is, your hand belongs on your arm, so no one is ever suspicious when you have it. You never need to plan to bring it anywhere, and you never need to hide it or prepare it or sanitize it and put it away when you're done. These other methods are like those kitchen gadgets they advertise in infomercials. Sure, maybe you could buy the Bullet home smoothie-making kit and use it a few times, but for the most part, you're just filling a plain old cup with vodka and drinking that. It's simple. It's what you've been doing your whole life. It's efficient, and at the end of the day, it does the job perfectly.
So in a way, technology has indeed changed the way you jerk off -- and maybe even made it feel better, or at least different. But did it improve it? Will it replace it? No. No it won't.
Masturbatory scientists have been at it for a long time (heh). Check out their progress in 7 Important Historical Breakthroughs (In Masturbation) . And see their greatest breakthrough yet: Masturbation Cream. No this isn't a lubricant for sex. This is Masturbation Cream. Read about it in 5 Products That Let People Know You're Desperately Lonely .
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to learn how to not get fired for looking at porn articles during work in How To Get Away With Watching Porn At Work (Using History) , and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook , because our page makes a great "just got walked in on while watching porn" cut-to.
We've got your morning reading covered.
Which Dean outfit should you wear to the Community movie premiere?
These weren't dumb criminals. This was weirder than that.
No way! Fried chicken and bread are finally together??
It's time to go behind the brick wall.
It made David Lynch's version look like Star Wars.
COPYRIGHT © 2005-2022 Cracked is published by Literally media Ltd.,
Celebrity Jerk Off Instruction / Jerk Off Challenge
Don't have an account? Sign up
Already have an account? Login
This is a fun Jerk Off Instruction / Jerk Off Challenge based on NSFW Celebrity content. ( Use Headphones )
Enter the username or e-mail you used in your profile. A password reset link will be sent to you by email.
Top 8 omegle nudes alternatives to jerk off on cam in 2022
How do I find the Omegle Lady Zone?
How can I play the Omegle Game? (Omegle Nude Game)
If you are seeking Omegle nudes or just like to je
Porn Videos Misssionary Cum Eating
Keke Palmer Leaked Nudes
Jen Aniston Tits