What To Do In A Threesome
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What To Do In A Threesome
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Gabrielle Smith
Gabrielle Smith is a Brooklyn based writer whose work focuses on topics like sex/love, ethical non-monogamy, mental illness, race, and identity.
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"Honestly, threesomes for me have been about getting to enjoy another woman with the woman I love."
If you’re wondering if a threesome is for you, you’re certainly not alone. Group sex is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans, according to a study conducted by Justin Lehmiller Ph.D., Men's Health advisory board member and research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. Men especially fantasize about sex involving multiple people.
Studies show that about 10% of women and 18% of men report having participated in a threesome. If you’re looking to add yourself to that lucky group of individuals who get to make their fantasies a reality, here are some things to consider. We polled sex experts and regular people who've had a three-way on every aspect of how to have a threesome.
“Honestly, threesomes for me have been about getting to enjoy another woman with the woman I love. It’s the experience with my partner that I enjoy the most. On a side note, the opportunity to be inside multiple women in the same night is an ego boost. Just keeping it real.” –Rafa, 34, San Diego
“I think there’s something special about intimacy with multiple people at the same time. I don’t even think it’s about fantasy fulfillment, it’s more just getting the opportunity to enjoy loving two people like that at once.” —Spencer*, 21, Quebec
“You can get really creative in group sex situations thinking of new positions to try, taking turns to focus on one person, etc. I like that the sex doesn’t stop even if one person taps out briefly to have a drink of water or just sit and watch the other two. It’s a constant dynamic process that you just don’t get in 1-1 sex.” –L*, 22, UK
There are so many ways to pursue and have a threesome, so you’re going to have to really think about what you want. Here are some questions to think about:
Do you want to join an existing couple, have someone join a romp with you and your partner, or are we looking to recruit a few free agents? These factors are going to determine how you search for a threesome.
What are your combined sexualities? Who will be interacting with whom, and what kind of activities are on the table? Some folks like to have threesomes without kissing, or take the idea of penetration off the table. Some men want to have a “ devil’s threesome ,” which is a threesome involving two men who do not have sexual interaction with each other. Others want a fully bisexual threesome.
Consider potential locations, sleeping arrangements and the duration of the experience before you jump into it. If you’re partnered and you’d rather not have the person joining you stay, kindly make that clear. If you’re open to that opportunity, make sure there’s plenty of space in your bed for three.
“It helps to find a community and friends with similar opinions towards sex and relationships. We found kink communities, LGBTQ communities that provided opportunities to organize a threesome. Dating web sites can work but it’s not cool to be a unicorn hunter.” –Rafa, 34, San Diego
“My primary partner and I looked at each others’ Tinder matches and messaged the people we were both drawn to (and who seemed like they might be open to it!) asking if they’d be interested in a threesome. If the answer was yes, we’d chat a little about boundaries, likes, dislikes, etc., and then if things still felt good thereafter, we’d meet up.” —Gabe, 30, Cape Town
“I would suggest that other people interested in threesomes should start with their partners and talk to them about what possibilities they’re open to. If you’re on your own I suppose the apps ( like Feeld and OKC ) and online communities are other places to look. Most of the sex positive people I’ve met and have interacted with were found using these methods.” —Daniel L., 40, Queens
Unicorn hunting is when a heterosexual couple seeks a bisexual woman to join them for a threesome. It’s not inherently wrong to look for a bisexual woman to have a threesome with. However, unicorn hunters have a bad reputation because they often treat the woman joining them as a transaction, as opposed to a human being.
Unicorn hunters also tend to use predatory and deceptive tactics in order to lure bisexual women into their bedrooms. They often will enter queer-designated spaces by solely using the women’s profile on dating apps, or even present as a single woman, only to reveal the intended arrangement AFTER a rapport has been struck up. This leaves bisexual women feeling hurt and misled.
“If all you’re interested in is getting a third for you and your wife with no real emotional connection I would recommend hiring a professional sex worker,” says Daniel L. from Queens. It’s totally valid to hire a sex worker if you want to call the shots! That way you can create the exact experience you want and not worry about the emotional attachment.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. Jealousy during a threesome with a partner is common for folks in monogamous relationships. Studies literally show that communicating or creating rules that benefit you and your partner can amplify feelings of comfort . If you struggle with communication, you may want to hold off on having a threesome until you further develop this skill.
“Start off threesomes with sharing each person’s desires, fears, and boundaries," says sexuality educator Cory Bush, CD . "Each person (regardless if they’re partnered) should share their own.” This is a great way to air out any potential roadblocks, and determine what you may want to look out for concerning any potential triggers or uncomfortable feelings.
Defining your boundaries beforehand is always recommended.
“[Don’t] worry about erections. Penises often fail to stay erect in group situations and that is totally normal, especially if you’re new to it. I promise no one will care. It’s so much more exciting finding creative ways to pleasure people without a focus on penetration.” – L*, 22, UK
“I think if you’re wanting a threesome because it’s a particular fantasy for you, just adjust your expectations a little? They can be a little stilted and awkward at first and it can take a couple tries to get it to live up to what you’re picturing.”—Spencer, 21, Quebec
“I think if someone is extremely eager to get down and dirty but dismissive when it comes to all the prep work (setting boundaries, managing expectations, etc.), that person may not have your best interests at heart.” –Gabe, 30, Cape Town
“When it’s about finding someone to rekindle the attraction you have to your partner. That’s a different problem that needs inner work and communication and therapy.” —Evans, 29, Ghana
“The largest thing I look for is that both parties are both excited—even if they show it in different ways. My biggest concern is that in the couple, one partner is the leader and the other partner is just going along with it essentially.” –Emerson K, 21, Kansas
If you’re going into a threesome with a partner, there are a lot of things that can go wrong. Jealousy may rear its ugly head, insecurity may take over, or triggers may unknowingly become revealed. A threesome is a risky activity, and can highlight instability in your relationship.
That’s why it’s incredibly important to go into the experience knowing that your relationship feels safe and secure. “Even if things don’t go how you thought they would or even if something triggers you, you know that you have a supportive partner who is down to help you through that afterwards,” Bush says. “We have to feel both physically and emotionally safe in order to truly surrender to pleasure so if you’re worried about something that could cause a fight, hold off and focus on that for now.”
Even though it may be scary to pursue a threesome, don’t let fear lead you. A threesome is a great opportunity to have a little fun, explore sexually, and potentially get closer to your partner(s) in the process.
*Subject's name has been changed to allow them to speak freely on private matters.
How to Have a Successful Threesome, According to People Who Have a Lot of Them
Steer clear of these common threesome pitfalls.
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Wise men. Little pigs. Jonas Brothers. If you’ve seen any image of Idris Elba in a three piece suit you get it. Three is a magic number, especially when it comes to sex. The allure of the ménage à trois cannot be ignored. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, who interviewed over 4,000 couples for his book Tell Me What You Want, having a threesome is the top sexual fantasy , although men seem to be a bit more intrigued by the idea ( a separate study showed that 82% of men and 31% of women reported at least some interest in having a threesome).
However, people aren’t actually having that many threesomes , only 3% of people surveyed had a threesome in the past year, and only 1% of people surveyed had one in the past month. So, I reached out to people who have “regular or semi-regular” threesomes, and I learned a lot about what it takes to make one happen , and what makes them so damn hot.
“Before I was into all of this I was completely oblivious to my surroundings. Now that I recognize like-minded people, it is easy to sense someone’s ‘vibe’. It’s actually shocking how many people (especially couples) are out at the bars hoping to find a new recruit.” —Angela, 42, Oklahoma City
“I joke with my gay friends that setting up a threesome with two other gay men is more complicated than negotiating peace in the Middle East. Gay men tend to be VERY sexually picky, and if 2 people are interested in adding a third, the vetting process is exhaustive (multiple pictures of all parties from multiple angles and sexual preference resume as well as hosting negotiations).” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“We typically get to know someone in a group setting (not that kind of group—just out with friends) and then, if they seem like they would be interested after some mild flirting, my wife messages them asking if we can take them out—like on a real date, not just drinks or straight to our house.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“I would say the most common way we go about setting up threesomes is probably through Grindr.” —Sutter, 27, Columbus
“I approach someone with my partner there, flirt with the person enough to make it obvious, then have my partner flirt with them as well. You can kind of immediately tell if they’re into it or not, and I bow out if they seem in anyway confused or uncomfortable. It’s less awkward than you might think!” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Being intimate with a new person, the experience of seducing someone as a couple, and the various, um, ‘configurations’ you can try with a third person.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“Threesomes are as hot as the people involved. If sex with person A is hot, and sex with person B is hot, then it would stand to reason that sex with A and B at the same time would be just as hot, if not hotter. Threesomes, on their own, are not inherently hot.” —Yvonne, 29, Charlotte
“It's like being IN a porn that you are also watching. Also the attention. Also the taboo of it? If that makes sense? I love watching people fuck. I love fucking. Porque no los dos?” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“Actually, I’ve learned some new ways to push my husband’s buttons because of the way a third engages with him or tries something on him. So threesomes can be a great way to learn more about your own partner and yourself sexually.” —Ben, 32, Boston
“There are times where taking a break and watching your partner with someone can be a blast too. My wife, for example, shocked herself how quickly she would climax just watching me with another man” —Andre, 29, Houston
“It’s often been an all night affair and not just a 20-30 minute experience, which to me is pretty great!” —Thomas, 30, Asbury Park
“My first threesome was my best friend and I going up to a guy at a party and being really straightforward and asking if he would like to have a threesome with us.”—Margot, 20, Minneapolis
“My partner is a top; I am too (sometimes I bottom, he never bottoms). Oral got old and I wanted to keep dating, but not limit my sex to only our interactions. I was trying really hard to make ‘just us’ sex work, but after about three months of being sexually frustrated we had a talk and both revealed we had no problem being open.” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“My partner and I were both sharing stories about our sexual histories this one time, and the topic of threesomes came up. We both said we had them, and my partner said he wanted to have that experience with me, too.” —Corinne, 29, Chicago
“No kissing anyone else. No cuddling anyone else. No sensual massaging. Basically nothing that we consider ‘intimate.’ [For us] it is not making love. It is sex. Just sex. I look at it the same way as if I used a sex toy to enhance things. In that moment, the other people involved are simply toys.” —Angela, 42, Oklahoma City
“Generally not strangers or close friends. They must be single. Not in an open relationship or poly, but single. We are open to all genders; it’s very much a matter of personal chemistry.”—Keith, 32, Houston
“I like to watch my girlfriend have sex with other women. I usually don't have sex with the women beyond oral sex. Sometimes my girlfriend will insist I have sex with someone and if I feel up to it, I will.” —Nathaniel, 40, Huntsville
“I think the most important rule is that no partner should ever be ‘taking one for the team.’ If you're not on the same page or one person isn't enthusiastically into an experience, then don't do it.” —Corinne, 29, Chicago
“My boyfriend is no longer allowed to finish inside of another woman. We did it one time and I had a more emotional response than I expected to, so we vowed never again on that one” —Isla, 26, Washington D.C.
“Larger group-sex events are way easier to organize. The ‘buffet style’ seems to make people more comfortable. I think the idea is, I'm not into everyone here but I'm into enough of them that I can pick what I want and avoid what I don't.’ A three way with two interested parties and one lukewarm party can be disappointing for that lonely 33% of the group.” —Louis, 36, Santa Cruz
“If you [have threesomes] somewhat regularly, take breaks or long stretches of time where you just focus on each other as a couple.” —Keith, 32, Houston
“Another logistical concern if one person in your threesome is male—condoms. If you’re having penetrative sex and want to use condoms it might take more than one as there is a lot of switching around involved in a threesome. It can get tricky.” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Having a big bed is kind of important, and an extra room for a person to actually sleep in really helps—three in one bed can be a problem. And in the MMF (two guys, one woman) threesomes, neither guy wants to actually sleep in the same bed. The drive home and breakfast the following day can be funny or awkward, depending on the people involved. And if you’re a man joining an MMF threesome, make sure you discuss whether there will be any male to male interaction beforehand.” —Thomas, 30, Asbury Park
“That it’s an approved form of cheating, or a good way to spice up your sex life. —Shane, 28, Seattle
“They aren’t awkward! I have had friends tell me that they wouldn’t know what to do or that they’d feel self-conscious or weird. I think it works the same way as two people having sex – if you just ask what they like, discuss your expectations upfront, and are all in agreement, it can be amazingly fun.” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Most people think that if you date someone who is bisexual they will be open to threesomes. This is not the case. Just like unisexual people, some bisexual people favor monogamous relationships and some are open to threesomes. I start with the assumption that every person favors monogamy absent signs that they are into threesomes.” —Nathaniel, 40, Huntsville
“That everybody needs to be involved throughout the entirety of the experience.” —Logan, 28, Miami
“We have great sex on our own, so we’re not using threesomes to ‘fix’ things or as a distraction.” —Isla, 26, Washington D.C.
“We set ourselves up for success by assuring our third beforehand that they can drop out at any point if they feel uncomfortable! We run into this at times because we have sex with men who have never had sex with women and women who have never been with men. We may be their first time and they’re not sure how they’re going to feel about it.” —Kelsey, 30, Austin
“When planning a threesome ask yourself why you want to do this. Make sure you really want to do this for yourself and not to keep your partner happy. Be ready to laugh at yourself. As awkward as two bodies can be, a third is exponentially tricky.” —Margot, 20, Minneapolis
“I did watch some threesome porn back when I first became interested, to see what positions might work best or help keep everyone involved. I think that helped me feel less like I would mess something up. If you are the couple, go over your rules. Are you comfortable with everything? What are you interested in doing, what are they interested in doing? Do you plan on letting the third spend the night? Should the third know any important information about either of you?” —Kate, 26, Chicago
“Look, fucking multiple people at once is just mathematically difficult, it may not work and there's no prep you can do to make sure it goes flawlessly. Best thing you can do is remember that, bluntly, at the end of the day your partner matters more than the third, and make sure you're not ignoring their feelings in the moment. It can be a whirlwind, people can change on a dime. A willingness to fail, learn from it, and laugh at your mistakes is more important than any multitasking skill! If you're the type of person that can't laugh at a fart during sex, this just may not be for you!” —Andre, 29
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