What Means Bdsm
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What Means Bdsm
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Charlotte Grainger
Charlotte is a freelance journalist with a deep interest in romance and relationships.
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If you’re having enough sex, it’s only a matter of time until it grows stale. Eventually, you’ll begin to crave something more than a quick release. You’ll want sex to last—and for physical pleasure to come coupled with psychological stimulation.
That’s where bondage can come into play (no pun intended). But before you can bust out the restraints and sounding needles, you need to know what’s out there. Only then, can you properly ask for whatever it is your secret, greasy, heart desires.
That’s why we spoke to Jess Wilde, a bondage specialist at the online sex retailer Lovehoney . She’s going to help us untangle the unnecessarily confusing lexicon of the bondage world.
An abbreviation for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism, BDSM is an umbrella term for numerous sexual practices. It’s not only inclusive of the four principles in the title, it includes elements of roleplaying, dominance, submission, and other related interpersonal dynamics.
Breaking down B in BDSM a little bit further, “Bondage is the sexual practice of restraining someone during sex and falls under the umbrella term Power Play,” says Wilde. “Power Play is where one partner takes on a dominant role and one takes on a submissive role. Restraint includes anything from holding the sub’s hands in a certain position to using restraint tools like handcuffs.”
Dominance and submission is a set of erotic behaviors involving one person being subservient (or submissive) to the person in control ( the Dominant ). This can happen in the bedroom through the Dominant (Dom) dictating orders to the Submissive (Sub), but it doesn’t even require both parties to be in the same room. Some Doms never meet their Subs in real life. They simply converse over the phone or email, where the Dom tells the Sub what he or she would like them to do.
“Being a good Dominant involves much more than being able to control and give orders to others,” explains Wilde. “A good Dominant will also be able to practice self-control and respect their Submissive. Dominants should also be responsible enough to decrease the intensity of or stop a scene altogether when a safeword is spoken.”
“Submitting doesn't mean being weak,” Wilde continues. “It's a gift to give up all control, to make yourself more vulnerable than most people could ever imagine, and to offer yourself, body and soul, for someone else's pleasure... And, of course, doing so is also a Submissive's ultimate pleasure.”
A safeword, which Wilde noted while discussing Dominance and Submission is “a word, phrase, or signal which you both agree means ‘stop.’” She continues, “Make sure you agree on a safeword–this is a good starting point for all BDSM activity. A safeword should be easy to remember, easy to say, and should be a word you’d never usually use in sex. A personal favorite is 'Gandalf!'"
“In BDSM, master/slave, m/s or sexual slavery is a relationship in which one individual serves another in an authority-exchange structured relationship,” says Wilde. “Unlike dominant and submissive structures found in BDSM in which love is often the core value, service and obedience are often the core values in master/slave structures.”
“Animal play is a special type of role play where one or more participants take on the role of an animal. Animal play is commonly seen in BDSM contexts,” explains Wilde. “Typically the submissive ‘animal’ partner is humiliated or dominated, but sometimes they will take on the more dominant role. Animal play is sometimes called animal role play or pet play.”
“You may be familiar with sex contracts from Fifty Shades of Grey ,” says Wilde. “The contract wasn’t just a figment of author E. L. James’ imagination. In BDSM communities, these kinds of contracts help Dominants and Submissives play with each other safely, both emotionally and physically.”
“By establishing ground rules, each partner knows what’s expected of them. It also makes issues of consent—which is crucial when power exchange and pain are involved—crystal clear.”
“Electro-sex is sometimes called erotic electrostimulation (e-stim) or electroplay ,” says Wilde. “It gives people distinctive tingly, tickly sensations which differ greatly to the sensations achieved with common battery-powered sex toys like vibrators.”
“It taps into the electrical signals that course through the body’s human nervous system, stimulating them to create more powerful sensory reactions. A variety of high-tech sex toys are designed for electro-sex. These include electrified butt plugs, masturbatory sleeves, cock rings, eggs, G-spot probes, and nipple clamps.”
“Limits are basically a boundary, a thing you don’t want to do. BDSM often divides these into ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ limits. A soft limit is often an activity that you don’t enjoy and wouldn’t normally engage in, but you may consider doing it for the right person,” says Wilde.
“Hard limits are absolutes. These are the things that you will not do, under any circumstances. For many people, these may be activities or things which trigger bad memories, panic attacks, or other psychological stress. Hard limits can be anything at all, even things that other people consider to be tame or a lot of fun.”
“Sensation play describes a wide variety of activities that use the body's senses as a way to arouse and provide stimulation to a partner,” explains Wilde.
“Although sensation play is often related to skin sensations, it doesn't have to be so limited. Sight, taste, and hearing can also be included in sensation play. Forms of light sensations play include playing with feathers and other soft objects, light blindfolding, and bondage with scarves or temperature play with ice or hot wax.”
“The goal of sensation play is simply to provide unusual and arousing sensations to a partner's body. It is only limited by one's imagination and, of course, personal limits, which should be respected at all times.”
When the fun and games are over (and the last spank has struck), there’s one last thing you have to remember to do. As Wilde explains, aftercare is an essential part of your play-time and can bring both you and your partner closer together in post-coital bliss.
“Known as ‘sub-drop’, sometimes the submissive partner can feel a wash of sadness when playtime has finished and the endorphins wear off,” says Wilde. “Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this.”
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What Is BDSM?
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BDSM in Relationships
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People in kink communities need support and acceptance, not judgment.
Different people may be aroused by the idea of sex with a sleeping person for different reasons. However, it is not necessarily indicative of a proclivity toward sexual offending.
A potentially risky type of BDSM, choking, is gaining popularity with young adults. It reflects the growing popularity of BDSM and can be enjoyed safely—but be careful.
Both polyamorous and BDSM communities place great importance on consent.
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Chicago, IL
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Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
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Autism
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Depression
Eating Disorders
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There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may shortchange the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.
BDSM is an umbrella term for a wide range of sexual practices that involve physical bondage, the giving or receiving of pain, dominant or submissive roleplay, and/or other related activities. The acronym is a combination of Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. Though BDSM has long been socially stigmatized or thought to be a sign of mental illness, recent research suggests that it has no clear connection to psychiatric disorders and can in fact be a part of healthy, loving relationships.
Depictions of BDSM-type sexual acts—involving dominance, bondage, or the use of pain—have been found in art and literature from around the world dating back hundreds of years. But until the latter part of the 20th century, many people, particularly in the Western world, believed that an interest in BDSM reflected mental illness, sexual deviance, or a history of abuse or sexual trauma . More recent research, however, has suggested that people who engage in BDSM (also sometimes referred to as kink) are no more likely to be mentally unwell than the rest of the population.
Despite decreasing stereotypes, however, many people—including some mental health professionals—still hold negative views about BDSM practices and the people who willingly engage in them. But the rise of the Internet—as well as the explosion of BDSM-related media, including the Fifty Shades books and films—has brought BDSM into the public consciousness, rendered it more socially acceptable, and allowed those interested in it to connect with one another more easily and engage more openly.
Sex that incorporates elements of BDSM is more common than many think. One study, for example, found that 30 percent of people had tried spanking during sex and nearly a quarter had tried dominant/submissive roleplay. Another study found that 47 percent of adults reported experimenting with at least one aspect of BDSM.
While some aspects of kink do come with a risk of bodily harm—and in rare cases, people do become seriously injured— BDSM is not inherently dangerous . The majority of dedicated BDSM practitioners pride themselves on practicing “safe, sane, and consensual” sex—where even if pain is inflicted, caution is exercised so that there is no lasting damage.
Interest in BDSM is not concentrated among a single demographic, but a small body of evidence suggests that those who enjoy BDSM may share some key personality traits. One study, for instance, found that people who enjoyed BDSM were less neurotic, more extraverted , more open, and less sensitive to rejection than those who didn’t.
Not necessarily; some recent studies have found that BDSM practitioners have, on average, lower levels of PTSD than the general population. On the other hand, there are some people who report practicing BDSM as a way of working through their past trauma.
It’s hard to know for sure. Some studies have indicated slightly more men than women report engaging in BDSM, but some researchers caution that social stigma may lead to survey respondents not being entirely truthful.
To many, the idea of voluntarily being hurt, tied up, or called names during sex is unimaginable; as a result, many have long assumed that those who do desire such practices must have something wrong with them. This may be further compounded in cultures in which speaking openly about sex is frowned upon or that mandate a more traditional view of sexuality .
But recent psychological research has tended to conclude that there is nothing inherently mentally unhealthy about mutually consensual BDSM activities. A national survey of Australian adults, for instance, found that those who participated in BDSM were no more likely than others to have experienced sexual abuse or to be unhappy or anxious ; a Dutch study found that BDSM practitioners showed greater subjective well-being than a control group.
No. Early psychologists viewed BDSM-related interests as pathological—leading many in the kink community to feel intense shame about their desires. Today, however, many researchers and clinicians acknowledge that BDSM can be part of healthy sexual expression. However, if the interests and behaviors involve non-consenting parties or cause the individual distress, they may indicate a mental health disorder.
While the direction of cause-and-effect is not fully understood, some studies suggest that BDSM is associated with improved mental health for partnered people. Research has found, for instance, that those who engage in BDSM in romantic relationships —and particularly those who take the dominant role—have lower neuroticism , decreased rejection sensitivity , and greater sexual satisfaction than controls.
Paraphilias are sexual interests that are “atypical” ; by this definition, certain aspects of BDSM (such as extreme sadism or masochism) could be considered paraphilias. However, the DSM currently defines paraphilic disorders as sexual practices that are “atypical” and cause the individual distress or involve non-consenting others. Thus, BDSM alone is not considered a paraphilic disorder.
Qualified therapists should never be openly judgmental of his or her patients, even if they engage in practices the therapist personally does not understand. Therapy patients who feel as if their therapist is shaming them for consensual, non-dangerous sexual practices—BDSM or otherwise—should feel empowered to end therapy and find a new clinician.
Many therapists who identify as “kink-friendly” or “sex-positive” include that information on their website. Individuals can
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