What Makes A Guy Hard
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What Makes A Guy Hard
And, Now, an Important Note About Man-Wooing...
We've been taking some heat for a post on man-pleasing tips that ran here a few days ago—and honestly, we kinda asked for it. (That's the consensus across the Internet and even within our own ranks). We hear you, tweeters—and we agree. Finding real, satisfying romance in 2015 essentially comes down to one thing: showing someone who you are, celebrating who he or she is, and respecting each other. We understand that the list read like a 1950s marriage handbook—and nobody wants to go back there. That being said, we'll always be here to help you decode dating. So let's be clear: You're welcome to make a grilled cheese for anyone you love, but you shouldn't be whipping one up in an effort to lock the all-important "him" down. (That's just a waste of Gruyere.) What we want for you is love based on equality, not indentured servitude with date night. We're sorry for slipping off message. And speaking of slipping, please, please ignore that beer-right-out-of-the-shower thing. It feels like it could get dangerous fast.
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We've been taking some heat for a post on man-pleasing tips that ran here a few days ago—and honestly, we kinda asked for it. (That's the consensus across the Internet and even within our own ranks). We hear you, tweeters—and we agree.
Finding real, satisfying romance in 2015 essentially comes down to one thing: showing someone who you are, celebrating who he or she is, and respecting each other. We understand that the list read like a 1950s marriage handbook—and nobody wants to go back there.
That being said, we'll always be here to help you decode dating. So let's be clear: You're welcome to make a grilled cheese for anyone you love, but you shouldn't be whipping one up in an effort to lock the all-important "him" down. (That's just a waste of Gruyere.) What we want for you is love based on equality, not indentured servitude with date night. We're sorry for slipping off message. And speaking of slipping, please, please ignore that beer-right-out-of-the-shower thing. It feels like it could get dangerous, fast.
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The Learning Network | What Is Hard About Being a Boy?
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Draw a line down the middle of a blank piece of paper. On the left side, write: “I am a male in society. Being a man means …” On the right side, “I am a female in society. Being a woman means …”
Take several minutes to write at least 5 sentences for each column.
Now, compare the two lists: How are they similar? How are they different? Are they helpful guides for male or female behavior? Or, do you feel they are somehow limiting?
Where do you think these ideas about what it means to be a man or woman come from? Are we born with them or are they learned?
In “ It’s Dangerous to Be a Boy ,” Michael C. Reichert, a psychologist, writes:
Early in my first go at being a father, I was hijacked by ancient impulses. Our family lived in a rowhouse neighborhood in Philadelphia, and right down the street was a small playground where gangs of boys gathered for games of stickball and basketball. My son loved playing sports. But he was unprepared for what developed as his friends grew older.
After years together laughing and riding their tricycles and then bikes up and down the block, several of the boys grew angry and mean. Ultimately, they turned on my son, taunting him, leaving him out of their games. He began to trudge home, tail between his legs. And I felt called to action.
At first, I tried to bolster his confidence so he would give the playground another go. But one Saturday morning I met him at the front steps and told him he could not come into the house. “You have to figure this out,” I said. “I’ll stay with you as long as you need, but I cannot let you just give up.”
He tried to push past me, his humiliation becoming frantic. He melted down, screaming and crying. I kept saying: “You can do it. You don’t have to give up.” A neighbor poked her head out, concerned about what must have sounded like child abuse.
Did I do the right thing? Even now I’m not sure. He did go back to the playground, and eventually managed some kind of truce with the other kids. He grew up into a fine man, a teacher, and understands I was trying to help, in my clumsy way. But while teaching him to stand up for himself, was I also passing along the prejudice that a boy should override his pain and never back down from a fight?
What happened in my son’s peer group was perfectly predictable. Boyhood immerses boys in violence and the bullying that leads to it. High school boys are more likely than girls to have been in a physical fight in the past year and male children are more likely to have been victims of violence . Three types of male violence — violence against women, violence against other men and violence against themselves — are deeply interwoven.
Violence springs from what boys learn about what it means to be a man. One researcher observed a small group of preschool boys and noticed how, over two years, they adapted to cultural cues. The ways they dressed, played and related to one another and to their parents changed significantly. They even formed a “Mean Team” to harass girls in their classroom. Another researcher interviewed elementary-school boys and captured their brutally frank stories of punishing other boys who failed to conform.
Boys take their experiences to heart, feeling weak and ashamed when they need comfort. Plan International USA, a nonprofit group focused on children’s rights, commissioned a study among 10- to 19-year-olds that found nearly three-quarters of boys said they felt pressure to be physically strong and nearly half of the 14- to 19 year-old male respondents felt pressure to be “willing to punch someone if provoked.”
The link between masculine norms and misconduct has been clearly established. A 2017 study of 18- to 30-year-old men from the United States, Britain and Mexico found that the young men who subscribe most to traditional gender identities were unhappier and more prone to bullying and sexual harassment. Nearly 60 percent of the American respondents said their parents were the primary source of these restrictive cues.
Boys don’t come into the world with some inborn tendency toward domination or violence. As the Stanford psychologist Albert Bandura explained: “People are not born with preformed repertoires of aggressive behavior. They must learn them.” The problem is rooted in boys’ socialization, which is characterized by physical discipline, control and disdain for weakness.
With this template for relating to themselves and to the world, it is not surprising that, compared with girls, adolescent boys and young men abuse tobacco at higher rates, drive more recklessly and engage in riskier sex . In the United States, 75 percent of deaths among 15- to 24-year-olds are of boys and young men. Males are more likely than females to die from injuries sustained in car accidents or falls, and from homicides. Especially when the risks of masculinity are compounded by racism and poverty, too many boys do not survive into manhood.
Students, read the entire article, then tell us:
— What’s the hardest thing about being a boy? What specific pressures or challenges do boys face? If you’re a girl, what do you observe to be hardships for boys?
— What are the good or best things about being male? What are the advantages that society provides for boys and men?
— Where did you learn what it is to be man or woman? From parents, peers, pop culture? Tell us about a specific time you learned what is expected of you based on your gender? For example, how boys or girls are supposed to dress or act, laugh or cry, express themselves or not?
— Mr. Reichert provides many facts and statistics about boys’ attitudes, behavior and life outcomes. Which did you find most significant and striking, and why? Do you agree with his view that “boyhood immerses boys in violence and the bullying that leads to it?” What have you experienced or observed that supports or contradicts this belief? If you are a boy, have you ever felt pressure to act tough and fight to not appear weak?
— What do adults, parents and teachers get wrong about being a boy? Do you ever feel confused or frustrated by the messages you receive about what it is to be a boy or man? Do you think it is harder to be a boy or man today than for your parents or grandparents? Why or why not?
Fathers, especially, may feel that times have changed so much since they were boys that their counsel amounts to outdated clichés. And it’s true that this generation of boys is in a much better position than we are to assess the future. But it’s not true that we are not needed — far from it.
What parents can do, must do, for their sons is never underestimate the power of listening to them, knowing them, and standing by while they navigate the rough waters of boyhood. Behind every boy who avoids being swept away in the current is someone who holds him — and believes in his ability to hold his own.
Do you agree with Mr. Reichert’s advice to parents? What role should parents play in helping boys to navigate the challenges of boyhood? What would you recommend to parents seeking to understand how to better to support their sons?
Further Learning Network Resources:
More Articles from The New York Times:
Students 13 and older are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public.
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1. “A manly man is compassionate, humble, and full of heart. He can laugh at himself and cares about other people’s happiness. A manly man is also brave and has strong moral fiber.” – Brittany S.
2. “I think being funny and smart makes a man manly. I’m over the muscles.” – Anna M.
3. “Being self aware and passionate about something in life makes a man manly. It’s not all about big hands and muscles—although those things are nice, too.” – Julia C.
4. “I think a man comes off as manly when they show assertiveness. Instead of saying, “Where do you want to go tonight,” and “I don’t care; you pick,” I like when a man says “This is where we’re going; I’ll get you at 8.” I also think a man that’s determined to succeed in his career, and who accounts for his mistakes is more manly.” – Alexa P.
5. “A man who knows what he wants. Someone who cares about himself, as well as others around him. Someone who is a hard worker, whether it be a labor or desk job. I also have always loved handy men with lots of knowledge about life in general (street smart, not just book smart). Also, (I know this is bad) what comes to mind is a guy with dark hair, dark eyes, who’s rough and bulky.” – Danielle C.
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6. “Men are subjected to a lot of standards regarding being tough and not showing their emotions. Yet I think it’s more manly when a man is sensitive, empathetic, romantic, and passionate. It means he’s confident enough not to worry about the standards. I also think that real men can cook and wouldn’t *expect* a woman to do anything for them but appreciate it when they do.” – Susan R.
7. “When a man gets sweaty and dirty doing physical labor.” – Jennifer R.
8. “For me it’s not about anything physical. I think what makes them manly is if they treat women well, especially a woman that they love. Showing a woman they love and care about them in thoughtful, small ways (not big grand gestures) is manly to me.” – Jaclyn S.
9. “A man is manly when he supports my goals and knows I can take care of myself, while still having enough sensibility and compassion to know when I need support.” – Julia F.
10. “Physical attributes like broad shoulders, larger hands, taller height, confidence, self assured, not a flat butt, masculine facial attributes.” – Michelle S.
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11. “Being able to take control and make plans and be confident in his decisions.” – Courtney S.
12. “Being athletic and a deep voice.” – Hannah R.
13. “Someone physically fit with good character— faithful, confident, understanding, helpful, and hardorking. A handy man who takes control and knows how to take control. Someone with body hair and a beard, too.” – Christina S.
14. “He wants to help you fix things or has the ability to change a tire, fix a doorknob, etc.” – Yumi N.
15. “Independence, financially secure, and is secure with himself.” -Courtney A.
16. “I think there’s too much pressure put on men to be “manly.” The definition of manliness is constantly changing and varies from person to person. I think a man is “manly” when he’s true to himself and the people around him. He’s not afraid to show his personality or his emotions despite whatever backlash he may receive.” – Victoria C.
17. “Being comfortable in his skin and in-touch with his feelings.” – Laura G.
18. “A man who is confident in who is he. He’s not afraid to be who he is in any situation, regardless of who’s around and doesn’t put up a front to impress anybody. A man who has goals and aspirations and isn’t content with normalcy.” – Kristin D.
19. “Hair is manly, honesty, good sense of humor. Being handy, knowing how to cook, clean. Hard working.” – Olivia B.
20. “I don’t wanna state the obvious, but probably when they’re really into working out.” – Leah A.
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Picking a Halloween costume is impossible because there are just too many options to choose from.
"Hey, wait a second... There are hardly any white straight men in this movie! There are only, like, five."
But money does not buy happiness. *sigh*
I want to talk about my hometown, too.
I want to talk about my sex life once in a while just like anybody else!
Can you please just do me the favor of judging my sex life at least a little bit? I, too, need a compass to guide my life according to your moral principles.
And how sad it is to have to ask...
Honestly, it's such a hassle. Is it really that hard trying to be like us?
Technically, we are the minority, but you don't hear us complaining.
Well, maybe you do. But we have good reason for doing so.
Do I want a soap that smells like pomegranates or in the shape of a tiger? Ugh, this is too hard.
Doesn't anyone think that I might want to talk about that as well?
Why do you make this so easy for me? Do you want me to become a kleptomaniac?
HOW WOULD I KNOW IF NO ONE'S ASKED ME?!
Do you think we're comfortable with the degree of authority society has granted us? We're just trying to be loved, like anybody else.
Am I not allowed to feel handsome? Do you have to assume it happened because of my merit rather than my chiseled features?
What? Is our heritage not cool enough?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE SAID IF YOU DON'T EXPLAIN IT TO ME?!
This post was translated from Spanish .
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