What Jesus Meant - The New Yorker

[Vice-President J. D.] Vance, who is Catholic, told a conservative audience at the University of Georgia that the pope was wrong to say that disciples of Christ are “never on the side of those who once wielded the sword and today drop bombs.”

—New York Times.

To: The Pope

From: The Offices of the President and Vice-President

Dear Pope,

We have noticed that you said some things about Jesus recently that show you have no idea who Jesus was or what Jesus meant or what He did for a living. We say this not to be mean or critical but simply to point out that you are of very low intelligence about Jesus and should literally maybe get a new job, as we heard yours pays very poorly (not at all?).

Some things we know that might be news to you:

Did Jesus like war? No one knows for certain which side He was really on, as He never spoke much about it. But He definitely wasn’t against war and, as one story goes, once said to “bomb the shit out of them,” in regard to Herod’s army. You can find all of this in a very famous biography of Him called “Bible.”

What Jesus did say—and this is quoted in “Bible”—was that “vengeance is mine but it can also be yours if the price is right” (which is likely where the game show got its name). What did Jesus mean by that? Scholars who have studied “Bible” say that this was largely about arms dealing. Jesus hated communism and liberals and the A.C.L.U., which existed in a form back then, and felt that, if necessary, it was “O.K.” (His word) to take up arms against them and kill them. “Go ahead,” He apparently once said. “What do I care?”

Some other things you might not know about Jesus that we share here in the spirit of friendship and also so you don’t get lippy with the Jesus-talk and make a fool of yourself again:

Jesus said that the last shall be first and the first shall be last. Again, what did He mean? The meaning here is crystal clear: Be first. Get to the head of the line. Except, “Wait,” you might say. “What about the first being last?” Use your head, please. If the last shall be first and the first shall be last, what are the last supposed to do? Be first. Run up there, get to the front. Cut the line. Oh, but there’s an old woman and a baby up there. “How is that my problem?” Jesus might have said. Jesus never talked about children or the elderly and wisely remained a bachelor with no kids but did date casually and was apparently very good-looking.

Do you know how Jesus died? It wasn’t in a traffic accident, as most people think. It was Crucifixion, which is unpleasant, but the upside is that it made Him very famous (likely a four or higher Nielsen rating, were it televised today), so not all bad.

“Why did Jesus have to die?” a lot of people ask. The answer is because some people sin and vote and use the wrong bathroom and criticize others who are the President or Vice-President, which they shouldn’t do, and that’s why Jesus likely died. For other people’s sins.

Have you ever heard the story of Jesus turning water into wine? O.K., well, many people here in America say that a certain someone reminds them of Jesus. We won’t name names, but suffice it to say that this person recently turned wine into Diet Coke—which, granted, was done by accident when a certain someone poured a Diet Coke into a glass of wine. But many in attendance said it was a miracle.

What were Jesus’ thoughts about money? Again—“Bible,” which tells us that He walked into a bank one day to cash a check but the bank happened to be doing business in a church because the main branch was being renovated and apparently Jesus went crazy and turned over the desks of bankers who were trying to close a very big real-estate deal. Which begs the question: Was Jesus rude? Yes, at times. What was His message in turning over the tables, besides showing His rudeness? The message was: Don’t be stupid and rent. Buy. Renting is for saps. That’s what pissed Jesus off. “Cash is king,” He said at one point in “Bible,” toward the end, where they kill the shark and Quint dies.

Our point is this: Get to know Jesus better, Pope. Ask yourself the question each day: “What would Jesus do?” Isn’t that the question we are all trying to answer? And the answer, we think, is that He would go into tech or possibly private equity.♦

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