What Is Bdsm Porn
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What Is Bdsm Porn
Medically Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD on June 28, 2021
BDSM is a term used to describe aspects of sex that involve dominance, submission, and control. The practice typically involves one partner taking on a more dominant role during sex, while the other is more submissive. The acronym BDSM can be divided into these categories:
While these are the broader categories, there is no one way to practice BDSM — different types can include power play, role-playing, pain play, bondage, wax play, edging, sensory deprivation, or humiliation.
According to a 2016 study, nearly 47% of women and 60% of men have fantasized about dominating someone in a sexual context. The same study found that BDSM sex was slightly more prevalent in couples on the LGBTQ spectrum, but researchers otherwise determined that BDSM sex was practiced across different ages, genders, and ethnic backgrounds.
Practicing BDSM sex in a relationship can be enjoyable for both people. Many people who engage in BDSM see it as a form of release, an exploration of trust, or a space to act out fantasies of submission, vulnerability, and control.
One small study found that participating in a BDSM dynamic may reduce stress and improve mood. Other research found that participating in healthy BDSM scenes fostered feelings of intimacy between partners.
In a relationship with two partners, one will typically play the dominant role, while the other will play the submissive role. A “switch” is an individual who shifts between the dominant and submissive roles, depending on the partner and the context. This dominant and submissive dynamic is often referred to as a top/bottom dynamic. While the dominant partner or top is typically the one taking control in spanking, bonding, whipping, or other sexual scenarios, the submissive may also maintain control by demanding the top perform certain roles or insist on switching roles.
The most important part of BDSM sex is the act of consent. Partners should always make sure everyone gives enthusiastic consent and outlines clear boundaries. These boundaries can be laid out in a formal contract, a verbal agreement, or a more casual conversation about desires and limits.
Due to the intense nature of some BDSM scenes, it is also important to introduce a safe word. If one partner becomes uncomfortable with any part of the experience, they can speak the word to stop the current act — or stop the sex altogether.
Another way to negotiate boundaries is through the traffic light system. Each color communicates how a partner is feeling and what they want. Red means they want the partner to stop what they’re doing immediately. Yellow means they want their partner to slow down, either due to physical discomfort or reaching a limit. Green means they like what the partner is doing, they feel comfortable, and they want the act to continue.
Before you engage in more intense forms of erotic play—like the use of whips, advanced bondage techniques, or sex toys—it’s a good idea to educate yourself on these practices first, through classes, books, or instructional online content.
Finally, partners participating in BDSM sex can practice what is known as aftercare. This is when partners take care of one another after a scene, including cuddling, hydrating, bathing together, or another calming activity. It can also include a discussion about what worked, what didn't, and how each partner is feeling. This post-sex debriefing can help protect all participants physically, mentally, and emotionally.
If you’re interested in trying BDSM sex, there are some “light” BDSM practices that may be a good starting point for beginners. These can include:
Most importantly, communicate with your partner about your desires. BDSM includes a wide range of sexual activities and dynamics, and each person will approach BDSM sex differently. Be honest with your partner about what you’re looking for and what you’re comfortable with.
The Journal of Sex Research: "The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests and Behaviors in the General Population: A Provincial Survey"
Northern Illinois University: "Sadomasochism without Sex? Exploring the Parallels between BDSM and Extreme Rituals
Psychology of Consciousness: "Consensual BDSM Facilitates Role-Specific Altered States of Consciousness: A Preliminary Study."
UCSB Campus Advocacy Resources & Education Center: “Communicating Consent.”
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Forget Fifty Shades of Grey . Here’s your real primer on all things kink.
BDSM includes bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M). The terms are lumped together that way because BDSM can be a lot of different things to different people with different preferences, BDSM writer and educator Clarisse Thorn, author of The S&M Feminist , tells BuzzFeed Life. Most of the time, a person's interests fall into one or two of those categories, rather than all of them.
Most people think BDSM is always tied to sex, and while it can be for some people, others draw a hard line between the two. "Both are bodily experiences that are very intense and sensual and cause a lot of very strong feelings in people who practice them, but they're not the same thing," says Thorn. The metaphor she uses for it: a massage. Sometimes a massage, however sensual it feels, is just a massage. For others, a rubdown pretty much always leads to sex. It's kind of similar with BDSM; it's a matter of personal and sexual preference.
This is one of the most common and frustrating misconceptions about BDSM, says Thorn. BDSM isn't something that emerges from abuse or domestic violence, and engaging in it does not mean that you enjoy abuse or abusing.
Instead, enjoying BDSM is just one facet of someone's sexuality and lifestyle. "It's just regular people who happen to get off that way," sex expert Gloria Brame, Ph.D., author of Different Loving , tells BuzzFeed Life. "It's your neighbors and your teachers and the people bagging your groceries. The biggest myth is that you need this special set of circumstances. It's regular people who have a need for that to be their intimate dynamic."
"A lot of people starting out think it's 'all or nothing,' especially if you've only been with one partner," says Thorn. For instance, you might think that because you enjoyed being submissive under certain circumstances, that means you must agree to a whole host of submissive or masochistic behaviors that you're not necessarily into.
But that's absolutely wrong. You can — and should — pick and choose which BDSM activities you are and are not interested in, says Thorn. And that can vary depending on the situation, the partner, or even the day. Just remember that consent is a requirement in BDSM , and it's possible to consent to one thing while still objecting to another.
"In my experience, it's easier for people to get into BDSM if they don't have a history of abuse, people who are in a more stable place in their lives," says Thorn. A 2008 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that people who had engaged in BDSM in the past year were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were no more likely to be unhappy or anxious than those who didn't do BDSM. And actually, men who engaged in BDSM had lower scores of psychological distress than other men.
That said, BDSMers do not judge people who aren't into it, explains Thorn. The term "vanilla" isn't meant to be derogatory, just to refer to non-BDSM sexual acts or people who aren't interested in kink.
If you ever find yourself at a BDSM meet-up or dungeon, don't mention any shade of grey. While some people appreciate that the books spurred more interest in kink and may have made it less stigmatized, others take issue with the abusive, unhealthy relationship it portrays and the seriously unrealistic scenes. All in all, it is not an accurate representation of the BDSM community.
Sure, some S&M enthusiasts might have these in their arsenal, but it's definitely not everyone's cup of kink. "Some people go for what's called 'sensual dominance,' which is where there might be some toys or play but no pain involved at all," says Brame. "It's more like one partner agrees to do everything the other person asks. BDSM doesn't have to follow any pattern, and there is no one model for what a BDSM relationship can be."
Again, since it isn't always about intercourse, you wouldn't necessarily say that you "had sex" or "hooked up" with someone after a BDSM experience. Instead, these are called scenes (like, you scened with someone or you had a scene).
"It's an evolution from a time where, if you did S&M, you might only do it with a professional for an hour, or you might just see it performed at a BDSM club," says Brame. "Now people have much more organic relationships, but they still call it a scene — the time when we bring out the toys or get into that headspace."
So you've probably heard about dominants and submissives (if not, the dominant enjoys being in charge, while the submissive enjoys receiving orders). But BDSMers may also use the terms "tops" and "bottoms" to describe themselves. A top could refer to a dominant or a sadist (someone who enjoys inflicting pain), while a bottom could refer to a submissive or a masochist (someone who enjoys receiving pain). This allows you to have a blanket term for those who generally like being on either the giving or receiving end in a BDSM encounter. And there's no rule that says you can't be both dominant and submissive in different circumstances or with different partners.
Maybe the thought of being tied up excites you, or you enjoy spanking or being spanked. Or maybe you're more interested in leather masks and nipple clamps and hot wax. All of that (and obviously a lot more) is within the realm of BDSM. Basically, you can still be into kink without actually ever going to a dungeon.
Using a blindfold or an ice cube or fuzzy handcuffs you got at a bachelorette party are all relatively harmless beginner behaviors if you're into them. But before you play around with some of the trickier tools, you need to learn how to do so safely. Even a rope or a whip can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.
Hell, you can even mess up with your own hands (think: fisting): "[Some people] think they can clench a fist and stick it inside somebody," says Brame. "That's a good way to really injure someone and send them to the hospital." (Instead, she suggests an "enormous amount of lubricant" and starting with two or three fingers, then slowly and carefully building up to the whole hand.)
If you're one of those people who throws away the directions and tries to build the bookshelf on intuition alone, BDSM is probably not for you. "I would say the vast majority of what we call BDSM education is how to maximize ecstasy and minimize risk," says Brame. "How to do all the things you fantasized about doing and to do them safely."
While there's no one required reading list, there seem to be a few favorites that are often recommended to beginners, like SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns , by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon, and The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. [Editor's note: Have others you'd suggest? Please add them in the comments!]
Classes, conferences, and meet-ups are also helpful for learning specific techniques, says Thorn. Another popular resource is FetLife.com, a Facebook-like network for the kink community, which can connect you with message boards, groups, and classes in your area.
One mistake many people make when first experimenting with BDSM is relying on one person to show them the way. Even if they do have your best interest at heart (and they might not), it can be limiting to only have one perspective on something that is so multidimensional, says Thorn. Instead, seek out books, workshops, meet-ups, mentors, friends, message boards, and more to find a safe place to explore your interests.
"When you can't talk about what's happening and you can't make sense of your experience with like-minded people, that's way more dangerous than the variety of activities you might fantasize about," says Thorn.
It might sound cheesy, but it's a well-established norm in BDSM. (And hey, your safe word could actually be "cheesy" if you want. You do you.) "Safe words are probably one of the most important norms that have spread across the community, even if people use them in different ways," says Thorn. For instance, not everyone uses safe words all the time after a while, but it's important to start out with them. They can essentially be anything you want, as long as it's something that you wouldn't normally say during sex. You can find more info about safe words here .
"Dungeon monitors will kick out people who don't look like they're playing safely," says Brame. This can be anything from ignoring safe words to using a whip incorrectly. Seriously, did we mention that safety is paramount here? In fact, the acronym SSC (safe, sane, consensual) is one of the most common pillars of the practice.
Whenever people question the role of consent in BDSM, they should consider the enormous amount of communication that occurs before, during, and after the scenes. "We talk about it hugely before we ever do it," says Brame. "We talk about what we want to do, what we're going to do, what our fantasies are… that's part of negotiating a good relationship as a BDSMer."
Getting swept up in the moment and accidentally stumbling into a millionaire's red room (where you'll have multiple orgasms) is probably not going to happen to you ever. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. "The sexual fantasy makes everything look so easy," says Brame. "People who actually do this stuff are very cautious about it. It has to be the right place and right time and right equipment. And you have to know you can get the person out [of whatever bondage] if there's an emergency. You have to feel you can trust the person." So there's a lot that goes into one scene, but that doesn't mean it's any less satisfying for those who enjoy it.
Think of this as the primer before the scene. "It's a way of discussing the experience ahead of time that can increase emotional security," says Thorn. This can involve anything from scripts and checklists to a more informal discussion of what each person's expectations are for the scene, what they want and don't want, and any words or actions that are completely off-limits.
Since BDSM can be an incredibly intense and emotional experience for some, most experts strongly suggest this wrap-up step, where the partners can discuss the scene and any reactions they had to it. "People are extremely vulnerable during aftercare," says Thorn. "It can be really weird to have a scene without it." This can also be a strong bonding experience between the partners.
Not everyone who's interested in BDSM has multiple sexual or relationship partners. "It used to be a popular perception that we don't form long-term relationships," says Brame. "A lot of BDSMers are just monogamous people. A lot of people just want to do it with their partner or play with the big toys at clubs."
This is not a one-size-fits-all kink. There are light floggers, leather whips, whips with single tails, whips with multiple tails that are flat and wide, the list goes on, says Thorn. But because certain types can be harsher than others, you really need to learn how to use them properly (again, workshops are crucial). "People practicing with a single-tail whip will often start with a pillow or some distant small object, like a light switch," she says.
Like, um, the eyes, obviously. Or the kidney area. "The skin is thin there and you have vital organs under there. You can bruise your kidneys," explains Brame.
"There are plenty of stories out there of people who were too nervous to bring it up and then found out that their partner had the same fantasy," says Thorn. If you're nervous about it, ask if they'd be interested in checking out a particular book or workshop you heard about. Or just talk about it in the context of sexual fantasies by asking your partner if they've ever tried anything like BDSM or if they've ever wanted to. If you think about it, you're only risking one awkward conversation, and the payoff can be huge if this is something you want in your life.
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Maybe you're worried that your gynecologist or your lawyer won't be sensitive to your lifestyle or doesn't allow you to feel comfortable talking about it. Check out the Kink Aware Professionals Directory from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom to find someone who will be more accepting.
Between stereotypes, porn, and Fifty Shades of Grey , there's a lot of misconceptions about BDSM. Short of attending a workshop or visiting a dominatrix , the best way to learn more about it is to do some research. "Just like with regular sex, if you want to be good at it, you really have to learn about what's going on when this stuff is happening," says Brame.
Casey Gueren is a senior health editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York.
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\ ˌbē-ˌdē-ˌes-ˈem
\
: sexual activity involving such practices as the use of physical restraints, the granting and relinquishing of control, and the infliction of pain
BDSM refers to a range of sexual preferences that generally relate to enjoyment of physical control, psychological control, and/or pain. It can be broken down into six overarching components: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. Bondage and discipline consist of using physical or psychological restraints, domination and submission involve an exchange of power and control, and sadism and masochism refer to taking pleasure in others' or one's own pain or humiliation. Those who practice BDSM may identify with one or more, in any combination, of these components. — Ali Hebert and Angela Weaver , Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality , August 2014 Whatever one thinks of BDSM , given the pain and intensity associated with it, it certainly doesn't come across as a stress-reducing activity—to most outsiders, there wouldn't appear to be anything relaxing about whips and handcuffs. — Roni Jacobson , New York Magazine , 3 Feb. 2015
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to make lively or excited
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