What Is A Safeword
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What Is A Safeword
Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey , the meaning of “safewords” has become more popular. But many people, even in the BDSM community, still don’t know how to use them the right way . The definition of a safeword is a code to communicate when a submissive is at their limit, or close to it. I’ll show you some practical examples and a list of ones you can use in your next play session.
By definition, the words “No” and “Stop” are not safewords. A safeword needs to be something you would not normally say in a play session or scene. That’s why “pineapple” is such a good example. If you pick a word that is too common, the meaning can become unclear.
There’s a good reason why Fifty Shades of Grey chose those two examples. The most popular safeword is “Red”, meaning the sub cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said the Dominant’s actions cease completely with immediate effect. The safeword “Yellow” is used to bring to the attention of the Dom that the sub is close to their limit of endurance.
Red and Yellow are my favorite and the ones I use with my Dom, but we also have an alternative. Back when we were vanilla but also doing kinky things, I would use his middle name as a code. I had used it for so long that it was still a habit so we decided to keep it.
When you are in the middle of a very intense situation, it is somewhat of a knee jerk reaction to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. So pick a safeword(s) you feel comfortable with.
If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far. One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with.
To use safewords in this way a Dom can check in with the sub during a scene and ask, “What color?” The sub can then replay “Red”, “Yellow”, or even “Green” to indicate that they want to go further. You could even practice this technique to get a sub comfortable using safewords.
Important Note: Safewords aren’t only for scenes or play time. Both Doms and subs can use their safeword when any situation puts them at or close to their limit emotionally or mentally, or if a boundary is being crossed.
Let me start off by saying that there is nothing wrong with using safewords . They are a sacred part of BDSM, and are there to make sure everything stays safe, sane, and consensual . A sub should never feel guilty when they use them legitimately.
The problem arises when it becomes a way to get out of something they just don’t want to do. It can become the vanilla equivalent of saying they have a headache. Besides sexual requests they may use a safeword when a situation becomes emotionally challenging and they just want a break.
In short, the sub becomes the one in control when they safeword because they just don’t feel like doing something. Find out what the Dom and the sub can do to fix this here.
In some Master/slave relationships there is the concept of Total Power Exchange (TPE) . This means that the slave has relinquished all rights, even the right to a safeword.
If the sub consents to this (and they have to consent) there needs to be complete trust in the Dom’s control, skills , and their knowledge of the sub. This is best for long term, 24/7 relationships.
If you’re not ready for this step, an alternative could be agreeing to forgo safewords during discipline . This has the advantage that a sub is more liking to learn from their punishment or not misbehave, if they know they cannot safeword out of it. The Dom would then have total control over the discipline and not the sub.
Another possibility would be to not let the sub use “Red” while being punished, only “Yellow”.
If choking or gagging is acceptable you won’t be able to talk, so agree beforehand on a safe gesture instead of a word. This can be a hand signal or placing an item in the sub’s hand that they can drop when they have reached their limit. Attaching a small bell to the hand with a bandage also works well.
The downside to these is that their arms and hands would have to be free at all times. And there is the risk that the Dom may not be able to see the signal during a BDSM scene.
To get around this my Dom and I have the agreement that my hands and arms are always free during choking, and our “safeword” is that I will tap his body anywhere I can. Once he feels it he releases me immediately. Try a practice session before committing to your signal.
Sometimes the Dom may make demands of the sub that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm. That is when the sub should use their safewords.
However, in that circumstance the sub may already be distraught because of the severity of the situation, and they may forget their safeword. Or it may not instinctively come to their mind. If the Dom is sensing that the sub’s condition is becoming deeply upset and agitated, they should remind them of their safewords.
Also if something new, or if something extremely intense is going to happen, then the Dom should remind the sub of their safewords again beforehand.
My Dom is very good about this, but one thing I like to do during something very demanding is to repeat my safewords to myself in my head. This way they will more readily come to mind if I need to use them.
No one should ever say, “A real sub doesn’t have safewords.” If a sub is new to BDSM or coming in to a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords. Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship. Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.
I’m in a 24/7 Master/slave TPE relationship and we don’t use safe words anymore. He is able to read my body and sense when I’m at my limit. I trust him completely to keep me safe and I have no fear of him going too far.
I have thought long and hard on this, so I decided on pineapple because it’s like I can eat pineapple but if I have to much. The acids in it the acidity makes my mouth sour. And if it’s even worse I use red witch means immediately stop because I could be hurt, or becoming so.
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I’m Alesandra from Dom Sub Living. Through online trainings and mentoring, I help new and experienced Doms and subs live the BDSM lifestyle to the fullest.
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This article is from the Spanking FAQ ,
by Redman@cris.com (C-Red) with numerous contributions by
others.
A safeword is a word that a spankee may use to stop spanking play
immediately. A safeword serves two purposes. It functions as a safety valve
to prevent the prolonged violation of limits. And, it allows the spankee to
engage in mock protests without confusing the spanker.
Common safewords are "red", "mercy", "uncle", and believe it or not
"aardvark" (it must be a west-coast thing). Some people also use cautionary
words such as "yellow" to signal that the play is getting close to the
limits and should be softened but not stopped.
Safewords seem to be more widely used in the general SM scene than in the
spanking scene; however, it is considered wise practice especially when
playing with someone for the first time. There are some pitfalls to watch
for, however. First of all, the use of a safeword does not relieve the
spanker of their responsibility to read and respond to non-verbal cues.
Safewords can give a false sense of security to both parties which is
dangerous if other forms of communication are ignored. Also, it is
considered bad form to intentionally force someone to use their safeword.
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Now that is a question, isn't it? There is no wrong or right answer but there is a clear and focused way to figure out if you are someone would desire a safeword or not. They can be an important part of the play or something that is never used, but provides the security that some people need. BDSM play can be risky, does bring about the potential for uncomfortable situations, raises physical limitations or triggers mental or emotional walls to come crashing down. In any of these instances, it would be very helpful to have a way to alert the dominant. It's a verbal security blanket.
A safeword is a word or signal that ends BDSM play instantly. It can be any word that isn't a part of common play speech, so selecting 'Stop,' is usually discouraged as people tend to use stop playfully and the confusion could cause unneeded halting of a perfectly good scene. The most common safeword is the Stoplight system. 'Red' meaning stop, 'Yellow' for slow down, or a physical discomfort alarm and 'Green' means all is a go. Other safewords I have seen used are the submissive's full name, random words like, 'bananas', dropping keys and a subtle hand system that may not work in low lit situations.
That all depends. I would recommend that if you have never played with this person before that you have one. Other situations that would warrant guarding a safeword would be new play activities, extremely risky play and anything in a public play space.
There are people who do not use safewords for one reason or another. I'm not here to discredit them or say that having a safeword is the only way to play, but it is a safer way for new experiences. I can assume that later on in my relationship that a safeword would become obsolete as my Master and I are very intuitive of each other and we know the responses for the other during play. He can read me like a book most of the time and feel very safe with him.
When playing with someone you don't know or are only casually seeing, it is important to negotiate the scene every single time and make sure that the safeword is known for both parties. This will prevent severe misunderstandings later on. Part of negotiation should always be about safety; from physical limitations, triggers and hard limits. If your play is at a public location, make sure that if there is a space-wide safeword, you know what it is.
A safeword is a last resort. It shouldn't be used lightly for any occasion as the consequences of playing with the safeword could be the 'Cry Wolf' syndrome. You call your safeword too many times in jest then you may find yourself without a play partner pretty quickly. No one wants to play with someone that doesn't take safety and established protocol seriously.
Whether you decide to have a safeword or not is a personal decision. For me, it was a no brainer, however, coming up with the word I wanted wasn't. I finally settled on the stoplight system and haven't had to use to use it often. It's almost a badge of play, to say that your safeword is dusty :P
What is your safeword? Do you have it documented in your training resume yet?
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