What Does Top Mean Sexually

What Does Top Mean Sexually
What it Means to Be Top, Bottom, or Vers
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Welcome to Down to Find Out , a column in which Nona Willis Aronowitz addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. Have a question for Nona? Send it to downtofindout@gmail.com or fill out this Google form . (It’s anonymous!)
I see a lot of "bottom" "top" and "vers" online and on dating apps, but if you're a virgin, and still haven't had sex with someone, how do you know? Should you just try both, and then know? And do these three terms only apply to anal intercourse, or is it other forms of sex too?
There’s little on this great green earth that’ll make you feel more on the spot than having to choose a label for yourself. Especially if the criteria of those labels are based on something theoretical, like the future sex you’ll be having. Your stress is totally understandable, but I come bearing some great news: It often takes a while, sometimes many years , for gay and bisexual people to self-identify as a “bottom,” “top,” or “versatile” (vers for short).
I’m not just saying that as a hunch — there’s actual data on the subject. In a recent survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior , researchers found that “men’s sexual position self-label was learned over a 15-year timespan.” For many, choosing a label is a slow evolution that has “enormous complexity.” In other words, even thirtysomethings on these apps may not totally know their preferences yet.
When I called up my friend Rich Juzwiak, a fellow sex advice columnist over at Slate , this study was the first thing he mentioned. You should take comfort in the fact that “there’s clinical evidence that it’s a process,” he told me. It’s “the norm to be unsure and figuring it out.”
So, how do you go about figuring it out? First, let's talk about what these labels mean . Generally, a bottom is the receiver, a top is the giver, and vers is someone who does both. These terms, while often applied to anal sex, do apply elsewhere, and aren't reserved for men who have sex with men. When it comes to penetrative sex, being a top or bottom often refers to who is penetrating and who is being penetrated. But for non-penetrative sex these terms might refer to a power dynamic. All that said, there's no strict definition of any of these things, and they might mean different things to different people— when in doubt, ask!
In terms of penetrative sex, Rich recommends taking it slow and not jumping right into intercourse for the sole purpose of giving yourself a label. “You’re not required to have anal sex before you’re ready,” he says. “It’s totally socially acceptable to just have oral sex or make out or jerk off.” Anal sex is a vulnerable act that requires preparation, Rich says, so it’s not unreasonable to make that clear with your partners. And of course, you don’t have to have any kind of sex at all if you’re not ready.
Gay dating apps, especially known hookup apps like Grindr, can be blunt and transactional places where rejection is common, Rich warns: “You kinda have to have a thick skin and not take it personally.” But the great thing about these apps is that they set up a space to talk about your limits before you meet up with someone. Some guys might not be interested in a slower, intercourse-free encounter, “but it’s better to know that upfront than being in a situation where you feel pressured or coerced.” Make sure that your partner knows you’re new at this, and that you might require some patience.
Meanwhile, even if you don’t yet know your label, try to be as specific as possible about what you want during sex — even if that means being clear about your inexperience. Once you’ve done some exploration at your own pace, you’ll gain more clarity about the type of sex or positions you prefer.
How do you increase the length of intercourse and not come too quickly? How long should men last in bed?
There is no set length of time men “should” last in bed — it really depends on the vibe and the person you’re having sex with. Contrary to popular belief, there’s no reason on principle that you should try to last as long as possible, especially if everyone’s mood or time constraints call for a quickie. (Many a vagina and butt have gotten sore from intercourse that goes on too long.) Still, coming very quickly during intercourse is a super-common anxiety, especially among younger people whose penises are in tip-top shape. So let’s talk about it.
There are definitely some things you can try, like condoms , edging , masturbating before sex, or the “ squeeze technique .” Aside from these tips and tricks, though, two good general rules are to stop rushing and start communicating with your partner. Try to take the focus off your penis and intercourse for a little while during foreplay. You might be tempted to delay orgasm by dissociating with unsexy thoughts, but try to stay present and just enjoy your partner’s body first; if you feel yourself getting too excited, you can always shift to pleasuring them. And since it never feels great to be silently worrying about these things during sex, clue your partner in, even if it’s with a simple, “Hey, let’s take it slow tonight...I want to make this last.” I feel like I say this in every column, but it goes such a long way if you can feel safe, relaxed, and cared for by a non-judgmental partner.
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What Does Being a Top or a Bottom Really Mean?
You keep using that word and I do not think it means what you think it means
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If you’ve been hanging around the LGBTQ+ community in any capacity, especially gay men, you’ve likely heard about tops and bottoms. Maybe you’ve heard or even made jokes about it. Maybe you’ve heard it said in different terms: giver and receiver, pitcher and catcher, etc.
When it comes to sex between two men (or two people with penises), the top is the one doing the penetrating, and the bottom is the one being penetrated.
In the past year or so, I have started seeing tweets and posts along the lines of “if you see the three little dots when texting someone and you let them go first then you’re a bottom,” or “tops be like: loudly announces presence when they walk into a room.” Things in that vein.
Something about it always rubbed me the wrong way, so I decided to write about it.
Being a top or a bottom has everything to do with penetrative sex and pretty much nothing to do with anything else. It has no effect on your personality in the way these memes seem to think it does.
It doesn’t affect who texts first, how masculine or feminine you are, or even how dominant or submissive you are. It literally only refers to whether you prefer to give or receive when it comes to penetrative sex. And even then, from what I’ve heard, most people like to switch it up and prefer not to be defined by just that one role.
Personally, I think these memes where you identify yourself as a top or a bottom need to end. Because now there are literal children on social media calling themselves tops and bottoms when they’re not even close to having sex yet. And they shouldn’t be.
It has even gotten to the point where straight people are calling themselves tops and bottoms. When normally, in a straight (at least, a straight cisgender couple), the man is the “top” and the woman is the “bottom,” because the man is the one doing the penetrating.
I don’t think I need to explain why straight people adopting gay terminology and applying it to themselves is problematic.
I don’t think I need to explain why children adopting sexual roles for themselves is problematic.
I do think that we need to stop using these terms unless we’re explicitly talking about queer sex and only queer sex.
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If you've scrolled through Grindr, Tinder, or even queer sections of TikTok recently, you'll have seen "top," "bottom," or "verse" in a bio or two.
The popular terms describe sexual preferences in the queer community.
While the terms were originally used to describe the sexual preferences of queer men in the 1970s, more LGBTQ+ people have adopted the terms to talk about what they like in sex.
Top/bottom/verse discourse has grown more visible lately on TikTok, where queer people have been making videos describing the unique struggles of each preference.
It's important to note that each of these categories means something a little different to each person, so no one definition is perfect. Here is a general idea of what it means to be a top, bottom, or verse.
Tops generally prefer to take a more active role in sex by acting as the person who penetrates, gives oral sex, or does other sexual acts. For people with penises, this can mean wanting to be the person penetrating rather than receiving. For people with vaginas , it can mean preferring to give oral sex rather than receive, according to queer publication Autostraddle.
Because queer sex can look many different ways, being a top doesn't necessarily refer to the specifics of how sex is had. Instead, it refers to a power dynamic in which one person is in control and the other person takes the lead.
Within the category of "top," there are subsections that may refer to the specifics of how people like to have sex.
A "stone top" refers to someone who only likes to "give" during sex and not receive. This can mean penetration, oral sex, or other acts and comes from the term "stone butch" which was a common masculine gender expression in lesbian spaces in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s, and is still used today by some people within the community.
"Touch me nots" fall within "stone tops" as they refer to queer people, often transmasculine people or lesbians, who do not like to be touched during sex under any circumstances and instead only like to give.
Bottoms typically like to receive during sex, whether that means oral sex, being penetrated during sex, or other sexual acts. However, like with tops, the specifics of the sex aren't as important as the power dynamic.
Generally, bottoms are people who relinquish control during sex and follow the lead of the person topping them. But that doesn't mean bottoms can't be assertive and active during sex.
"Power bottoms" refer to bottoms who direct their tops exactly how to please them during sex and are very vocal when they are doing it wrong. "Bratty bottoms" are similarly vocal and generally tease the person topping them in a demeaning and playful way.
While some bottoms may be open to topping every so often, there are categories of bottoms who never like to be the person penetrating or giving oral sex. Like stone tops, "stone bottoms" are firm about their boundaries on touching their partners and not like to be the person penetrating or giving oral sex.
Sometimes referred to as "pillow princesses," stone bottoms face the brunt of the jokes in TikTok videos like this one directed at people for specific sexual preferences within the queer community.
People often insinuate stone bottoms are "less gay" or "pretending to be gay" in TikTok videos if they are firm about not wanting to perform sexual acts like oral and penetration on their partners. This kind of harassment in TikTok videos like these is called "bottom shaming."
Verses or switches are what they sound like – people who like to top and bottom interchangeably during sex.
Verse folks are generally less concerned with labeling themselves and their sexual dynamic and more focused on keeping their sexual interactions fluid, though some verses do lean towards the top or bottom side of the spectrum.
According to a 2018 survey by Autostraddle, switches make up over 50% of queer people who answered their call out.
It's crucial to note that while these labels exist, all sexual dynamics between people look different. No two bottoms, switches, or tops are going to look the same and have the same sexual dynamic with their partner.
But all forms of attraction and sexual position preference are equally valid.

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Especially with the rise of social media, new terms are coined all the time, including in the arena of sexuality. For instance, while the word "cuck" has become an insult hurled by the right-wing trolls, it's related to cuckolding, which can (and should) be a hot and consensual sexual activity that all involved parties enjoy. If you weren't quite sure of what that particular word's definition is — or you're unclear on terms like felching, docking, or queening, for that matter — I've written a near-comprehensive guide.
Additionally, if you're wondering if any given sex act is really a thing, keep in mind the wise words of sex educator Jimanekia Eborn : " Everything is a thing, is basically what I have learned working in sex education." In other words, if you can dream it, you can do it — or at least rest assured that someone else has probably tried to. With that being said, here are 17 sex terms you probably didn't learn in sex ed, explained.
As Samantha explained to Charlotte on a memorable episode of Sex and the City , a pearl necklace is what results when someone ejaculates on or around their partner's neck or chest (yes, so that the semen is roughly where a pearl necklace is when worn). If you're not someone who enjoys wearing this kind of pearl necklace, feel free to stick to Charlotte's preferred version, which you can find at Bloomingdale's.
Impact play refers to any impact on the body done for sexual gratification, from spanking to whips and crops . When engaging in impact play, remember to pick a safe word and continually check in with one another to ensure the level of pain is desirable. It's also important to stick to areas on the body which are safe to spank or tap on with a crop, which means fleshy, meaty areas away from the organs, such as the butt and thighs. If this sounds appealing to you, be sure to check out my guide to first-timer BDSM tips .
Squirting is when a person with a vagina ejaculates fluid during sex. Eborn says she is frequently asked if squirting is a myth, and she's only too happy to share that it is not, nor is it "just peeing." Research suggests that the fluid involved comes partly from Skene's glands, also known as the "female prostate" — but as with many subjects that don't focus on a penis, more research is required. Not everyone squirts, and among those who do, some squirt from clitoral stimulation and some squirt from G-spot stimulation (that is, stimulation of the sensitive front wall of the vagina).
You may be familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy , a helpful form of talk therapy. However, within the world of kink, CBT refers to "cock and ball torture." This form of CBT can be therapeutic for people with penises interested in having a dominatrix inflict pain on their genitals, through the use of ropes, whips, or even chastity devices.
Pegging refers to when a woman penetrates a man anally with a strap-on dildo . There's a now-infamous pegging scene in a Broad City episode that recently repopularized the term.
Queening is just a glamorous name for sitting on someone's face. There's nothing more to it than that.
Scissoring, also called tribadism or tribbing, is most often thought of as the territory of same-sex, female-identified couples. It's usually considered to be two partners rubbing their vulvas against each other's, but can also be defined as one partner rubbing their vulva against other body parts of their partner's (including the thighs and butt), as Autostraddle pointed out . In so-called "classic" scissor position, partners' legs intersect so that they look like — you guessed it — scissors. Porn (especially porn made for the male gaze) has probably hyped up scissoring as a more popular act among women who have sex with women than it actually is in real life, but plenty of people love it.
When you first hear the term "edge play," it's easy to assume it refers to extreme sex acts that literally involve an edge of some sort, such as knives or needles (and yes, some people consensually incorporate those things into sex). But no sharp objects need to be involved in this type of edge play. The term means kinky sexual acts that push your boundaries (consensually) to the edge, which can be exhilarating for some. What is considered edge play differs
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