What Are Teens Life Ambitions

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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.
It's a complaint I hear from parents about their adolescent from time to time: "We just wish our teenager had more drive to be successful! We just wish there was more desire to achieve!"

Many things in life seem to be double-edged, with a potential for good and a potential for harm, ambition one of these. What the unsatisfied parents quoted above see is a lack of aspiration in their son or daughter.
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But what they don't see is what the young person is missing -- the costs that can come with high ambition. Consider some of these complexities.
There are some young people who from an early age really want to do well for themselves. They think ahead about making their way in the world, and they point themselves toward a future that satisfies their interests, affirms their capacities, and fulfils their dreams. Self-dedicated, self-motivated, self-directed, self-disciplined, and self-managing, they strive to do the best for themselves now in hopes of claiming the best for themselves later on.
So what could be the problem? There are two. First is the issue of how high they set their expectations and how hard they push themselves to meet them, the problem of pressure. And second is the issue of how they treat themselves when they have failed to meet their expectations, the problem of punishment. In moderating both potential problems, parents can have a helpful role.
Start with the issue of pressure. Highly ambitious young people, because they are used to taking charge of their lives, include in that responsibility setting performance expectations to strive for. What they often assume is the higher the better. Or as one young person explained to me: "I've got to aim as high as I can to do as well as I can." Aim for what?
There are three kinds of targets ambitious adolescents aim for. There are GOALS - how much does the young person want to achieve in their lifetime, how far does he or she want to go? There are STANDARDS - how well does the young person want to do all the time, what quality of performance does he or she want to maintain? There are LIMITS - how many challenges does the young person want to undertake at one time, what array of performance activities does he or she want to manage simultaneously?
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Goals and standards and limits all have one thing in common: they control demands on personal energy (the capacity for doing or action) on which performance depends. Set these controls too high - "I will be the best" (Goals); "I will be perfect" (Standards), "I will do everything" (Limits) - and ambition can become the royal road to stress from unrealistic or impossible demand. "I can't measure up to my own expectations no matter how hard I try!" laments the highly ambitious adolescent. Or, "I just kill myself working so hard to do as well as I want!" When how well you do is never considered good enough, ambition can become a cruel master, always calling for more.
At this juncture parents need to help the young person take responsibility for the goals, standards, and limits he or she has decided to strive for. They might say something like this. "Of course, your expectations for yourself are up to you, but you do need to see the connection between those you choose to set and strive for, and the pressure you must put yourself under to meet them. Rather than set them stressfully high, you might want to adjust them downward enough so you have a good chance of reaching them with a full faith effort, not a super human one. That way you can enjoy both the process of working for what you want and the satisfactory outcome you are more likely to achieve."
Now consider the second problem that comes with high ambition -- self-punishment for failing to measure up. It is very common for highly ambitious adolescents to get down on themselves, berate themselves, for failing to meet personal goals, standards, or limits. For example, you get the unhappy spectacle of the young person who got an 85 on a test, covering surprising content, rather than 100 he was prepared for. Coming home distraught over failing to meet his expectation, he says to parents something like this. "I just blew it! What's the matter with me! I'm nothing but a failure! I'm never going to go anywhere in my life! I'm not worth the effort! What a loser!"
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Parents can understand why he feels disappointed, but why is he beating up on himself in this way? Often the answer may be, he is doing so out of a misguided sense of motivation. Maybe if he can make herself feel badly enough about what happened this time, he will do better the next time. The misery theory of motivation, however, is usually wrong. It just generates more unhappiness, making a sad situation worse.
At this juncture, parents might want to suggest something like this. "Not only does punishment discredit the hard work you did, you waste precious energy that could be invested positively elsewhere. Most important, it lessens your motivation to work hard by running yourself down. If you want to go for success then you are going to have to deal with failure, at least with failing to do as well as you want on some occasions. Failure is not a time to beat up on your self with hurtful names. It's a time to treat yourself kindly in order to restore well being."
The best lecture I ever heard about coping with disappointed expectations was given by an ambitious high school senior to her parents after receiving rejections from her first and second colleges of choice. They were bereft on her behalf. "But you worked to hard! We're so sorry! Are you going to be all right?"
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Their daughter's reply was short and to the point. "Mom, Dad, get over it! This isn't the end of the world. Nobody gets everything they work for. Yes, I'm going to be all right. There are other colleges out there. I'll just pick the next best one and go for that."
The young woman didn't miss a beat. She was treating herself well after a disappointment by resolving that a set back would not be grounds for a defeat. Her ambition would carry on.
I couldn't help but comment. "You really have what it takes," I said to her.
That's when her parents smiled too.
For more about parenting adolescents, see my book, "SURVIVING YOUR CHILD'S ADOLESCENCE" (Wiley, 2013.) Information at: www.carlpickhardt.com
Next week's entry: Motivating your adolescent to perform.
Carl Pickhardt Ph.D. is a psychologist in private counseling and public lecturing practice in Austin, Texas. His latest book is WHO STOLE MY CHILD? Parenting through four stages of adolescence.
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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.


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