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“Our Beautiful Neighbor Lady is Getting Too Close with My Husband”

By: Dear Wendy

March 31, 2015

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New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here . If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com .
By the way, it’s my garden — something I love and work hard in. She has come to the door to ask to borrow a blender, bring “us” an invitation to her daughter’s birthday party, and two other times in the last eight days. My husband now is outside twice as much. It now makes me think that is why he decided to be transparent. He told me the day of her first visit. I believe he is afraid someone will mention her being at the house. He has been soo happy lately and sweet. He has also been talking about going to the gym and needing to buy new clothes, and he has cut his food consumption in half to lose weight.
I don’t THINK she is interested in him that way, but what is now becoming an issue for me is that he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her she doesn’t need to come over while I’m not home. I told him to at least tell her it doesn’t look right. He said he would consider that, but he only said that after a horrible argument, which is exactly what I didn’t want to have happen over this issue. He hinted divorce in our argument. I don’t appreciate all this unnecessary drama. He will tell her that it is I who doesn’t want her there instead of taking responsibility. It all needs to come from him. It is so murky and doesn’t feel right at all. He needs to get a job and get busy. Something about all of this is really hurting me. — My Beautiful Neighbor Needs to Get Out of My Garden
Listen, you sound like a jealous wife who is making a way bigger deal out of this situation than it really is. Sure, your husband probably does enjoy looking at a beautiful 27-year-old woman and might even be flattered that she’s interested in his company. But her presence isn’t necessarily the reason he’s “soo happy lately and sweet,” “talking about going to the gym and needing to buy new clothes,” and cutting “his food consumption in half to lose weight.” Maybe, you know, retiring and embarking on a whole new life have prompted some of these changes. I’d be happy, too, if I suddenly went from working full-time to not having to work again for the rest of my life. And, as people age, it’s natural that they would become interested in their health and caring for their bodies (hence, the diet and the talk of going to the gym). Also, he has time now to pursue physical fitness in a way he probably didn’t when he was working full-time.
As for the beautiful neighbor lady: Maybe she avoids coming over when you’re around because she knows you don’t like her. You talk about your husband’s transparency, but I have a feeling your impression of your neighbor is pretty transparent, too. You think she’s “forward,” and you’ve taken note of how she has two different baby daddies, both of whom have lived with her in recent months. But how much do you really know about her? What do you know about her struggles as a single mother or the challenges she’s faced? What details do you even know about her relationships with the father of her two children? You’re making a lot of assumptions based on appearances — based on the little bit you’ve seen — and you likely haven’t gotten to know — and don’t care to get to know — her at all.
Well, that’s fair enough if you don’t want to know her. But it’s not really fair to take out your dislike for her on your husband or to expect HIM to be the one to tell this neighbor to stop coming over — to stop inviting you guys to her kids’ parties and asking to borrow your blender and offering to help in the garden — when YOU are the one who doesn’t want her there because you’re jealous of her and feel threatened by what you’re perceiving as your husband’s interest in her (which, again, may not be as much interest in HER as it is a general change in attitude due to his big lifestyle change, as well as flattery that someone — especially a young beautiful woman — is being friendly to him). If YOU have a problem with the neighbor lady coming over, YOU need to be the one to talk to her.
What I do NOT recommend is telling her you don’t want her talking to your husband or coming over when you aren’t home. I’d recommend being friendly and, you know, neighborly to her. Let her know that you aren’t someone to be avoided or feared and that, if she needs to borrow something, it would be perfectly fine for her to knock on your door at a time when you might be home (as opposed to only coming over when she knows you’ll be at work). Consider bringing over a small gift for her daughter’s birthday (or, better yet, GO to the party she invited you both to) and maybe some seeds for her to plant this spring in her own garden/outdoor space. You could include a card saying: “[name of your husband] mentioned you are interested in gardening. I am, too! I love working in my own garden in my free time and take a lot of pride and joy in seeing the results of my hard labor every year. I thought you might enjoy planting some of my favorite seeds in your own garden. Maybe [name of her daughter] would even like to help you plant them.” This is a very diplomatic way of saying “hands off my garden” without being a bitch.
Finally, I’d suggest taking some of the focus you’re putting on this neighbor lady and re-directing it toward your husband. Retirement is a HUGE life step and he needs to know you support him — you support his interest in getting healthy and in pursuing some new hobbies. And if he’s throwing around the D-word, even casually, and you are getting in big arguments, that should be a wake-up call for you about the state of your marriage. This really isn’t about some neighbor woman with a live-in baby daddy and two young kids; this is about you and your husband and the way you are relating to each other, communicating, and treating one another. You want him to “take responsibility” for something that really isn’t his responsibility — telling the neighbor you don’t want her to come over when you’re not home — when, really, YOU are the one who needs to start taking some responsibility . . . for your marriage and for your own well-being (including managing your relationships with the people who live around you and affect your well-being).
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com .

Sunshine Brite
March 31, 2015, 8:20 am

WWS, you sound super jealous and seem to be reading into a lot. Maybe she stops in during the day because she’s a SAHM and your husband’s home and not later because her boyfriend’s home.
My husband an me moved in this apt ..my husband works for the land lord.the granddaughter of the landlord lives across from us..her friend lives their to ..she’s 32 an she sometimes work for the landlord to …my husband worked with her about 3different times ..I think he’s messing around with her a couple of times …cause I had a really bad gut feeling one day….my man got off work one day an time passed an he was drunk an he said I’m riding the moped to the store for cig an beer …at the same time the friend went in her car to the store my man was right behind her …I told my son that my man would not come back with nothing an said he lost the money ..an she would come back with nothing to …sure enough he came back home with nothing an she was right behind him an had nothing to ..he said he lost the 10 dollars …he said I must of drop it so we look every were ..he walk over to the moped leaned down an then said I can’t find the money no we’re ..well I told my son I go look down at the moped an the money be laying there an then he will say he’s to drunk to go back to the store ..even though he went at the same time as her an was drunk ..anyways sure enough the money was right were I said an he said exactly what I said he would ..every time he goes out side she comes out ….every time he leaves she does …if he goes to the store she does or vice versa..every time he leave for work she leaves ..an when he’s home for lunch she comes home an as soon as he leaves she does ..if he gets home at 6.7.8.9.10 she does to …if he goes to the store at midnight she shows up there …I’m fed up with it we argue all the time …he swears he never touch her but sometimes I Wonder an still wonder you tell me

Raccoon eyes
March 31, 2015, 8:21 am

OMG I just had to say that “My Beautiful Neighbor Needs to Get Out of My Garden” is perhaps the best signoff ever!!! HaHAHaaaa! Ok, now to read the actual response…
Pantsless Ramona!!! I keep hearing people referencing her but somehow I missed it when it happened. Now Wendy finally dug her up so I can understand what the deal is! I feel so much more connected to the community now haha
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Re: this letter writer, I wouldn’t push your husband to tell her to stop being around unless she does something inappropriate (like kiss him or stop wearing pants!). Wendy gives some good alternative suggestions, another is to help get your husband out of the house more often. Help him find volunteer opportunities, make other retiree friends, pick up some sports leagues (golf or tennis maybe?) or some other hobby. At least get him a dog to walk and take to the dog park if you don’t have one already. I’m guessing he used to have coworkers to talk to at work, and now he is lonely and not minding the conversation with the neighbor, because otherwise he’d just be in solitude all the time.
Haven’t read the letter or Wendy’s advice but I’m really hoping this is about Ramona the Pant-less Wino, Part Deux!! Ok, off to read…
Ok read it. She’s like Ramona’s not-as-cool, but-still-cool cousin. This just goes to show that we beautiful women cannot get a break in life! There should be a law that protects beautiful women from discrimination by other jealous women. … I’m only kidding, geez. I have nothing profound to add except WWS.
If he’s throwing around divorce in an argument, you two have a lot more problems than just your neighbor.
.
You said “he needs to get a job and get busy.” Why? He’s retired, he doesn’t need to get a job. Unless you’re worrying about financial issues. Are you? Or is that he has way more free time than you do and maybe you’re a little jealous of that? If that’s the case, can you retire too? And if one of you needs to be the breadwinner, how did you both come to the decision it would be you or was it not a discussion and you’re feeling resentful? I’m certainly not faulting you, LW, because these are all perfectly reasonable and understandable reactions to a life altering decision.
.
Bottom line – this isn’t *just* about your neighbor. You two have other issues here that need to be discussed pronto, because if not…this will only get worse.

Raccoon eyes
March 31, 2015, 9:36 am

Yes!!!! The divorce thing really stuck out to me too.
*
Now, Im a bit fuzzy on the timeline here (is it just 8 days since LW was made aware of this? or 8 days since….I dont know…when was the kid’s bday invite extended?), but 2 big things jump out at me – your husband is recently retired and she has a newborn. Sooooo…. two people “stuck at home,” be it as it may, during the day. Now, Im no expert on either being the parent of a newborn or being retired, but from my understanding, both mean that you 1)not have ppl around to talk to much and 2) time to yourself that you may not have had before. I mean, it isnt like the neighbor is inviting herself inside, right? They are just hanging out/making small talk in the (yours, LW- which you make a point of remarking upon) garden? Until she is blatantly making a play for your husband, or he is blatantly trying to impress her or something, you need to address your jealousy yourself. (As in, with a therapist or something.)
Newborns actually take a lot of time so it is odd that she can get out and hang out so frequently with her neighbor. When you have a newborn lots of things don’t get done so the things that you do manage to do get done because you prioritize them.

Raccoon eyes
March 31, 2015, 11:55 am

Yeah, I realize I kind slapped together this response- I meant more like, that with a newborn, the little “free time” she may have, she may seek out friendly contact with anyone not in diapers, or somesuch. I know babies are very time-consuming- I just meant like that they both want/need/are seeking out actual contact with others since they are more tied to home now, or something. Gah, now Im not even sure what *I* am talking about.

honeybeenicki
March 31, 2015, 11:01 am

It doesn’t sound like he threw around divorce though…. she said he “hinted” at it, so its totally her interpretation.
Really, Wendy? You really think his sudden interest in his appearance isn’t connected to the young,
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