Weird Porn Intros

Weird Porn Intros
The real generational divide may very well be whether your childhood TV habits included friendly blobs demonstrating the value of teamwork and kindness or an idiot cat’s singleminded quest to murder an adorable mouse.
BioWare has had over 10 years of trial and error to learn from.
Originality is dead, yadda yadda, but some remakes actually rock. (Others don't, though.)
Sure, you could just use ESP to read this article directly from our minds, but click anyway so you can see the pictures.
Somewhere along the way, pornographers got the idea that people only liked on-camera coitus if it had a believable back story. And, after a few decades struggling to find good actors willing to do it on camera, the industry came up with the concept of reality porn. So today there's a huge selection of videos that claim to capture real random girls tricked into having sex via some set of convoluted circumstances.
But apparently, the good ideas for reality porn were taken pretty quickly, and as you'll see, at this point they're kind of scraping the sides of the jar. We have censored the pictures to make them vaguely work-safe.
It's been known since the days of the Kama Sutra that nothing gets a woman quite as aroused as a man whose dick is encrusted in bits of rubbery mozzarella cheese. Thus, the team of physicists who crafted the perfect website, Big Sausage Pizza, were really onto something when they found a way to mix the thrill of eroticism with the greasy smell of deep dish.
Every encounter features an unsuspecting young lass ordering a pizza, then when it arrives, opening the box to discover the delivery man's wang jammed through the bottom of both the box and the pizza.
The woman is always surprised by this, though the positioning of the rest of the man's body in relation to the box probably should have cued her in. Either the poor man has gotten the box glued to his groin somehow, or he has his boner poked through there. The presence of the camera crew should probably have alerted her that something wasn't on the level either way.
The teaser photos in which we're forced to acknowledge that the deliveryman, resembling a curious sort of Vince Vaughn meets Forrest Gump, is actually firmly rooted in what is not at all a delivery pizza, and is instead some manner of frozen personal pan cheese shit since the producers are too cheap to shell out for real pizza each time.
When you think of the high seas, your mind probably drifts through thoughts of sea salt, whale song and sodomy. If it doesn't, you've never been on a Carnival cruise, nor have you visited Captain Stabbin', the Internet's one-stop shop for all your house boat and backdoor fantasies.
See, he's going to put his dick there. You've just been caught up on Captain Stabbin'.
The concept of the site really doesn't flesh out much beyond "bum love on a boat," with random girls meeting the boat's captain and being summarily rutted in a variety of ways.
Though, there is the tasteful addition of each girl being tossed overboard once her poop deck's been swabbed, where they are presumably eaten by sharks. These are cautionary tales, indeed.
Pervasive and continued reference to the boat as "SS Stabbin." Really, girls, when you saw that on the bow an anal defiling was really the best case scenario.
Probably in college you got to experience that hilarious prank where your buddies get you an escort for your birthday and you wake up and see pictures of her teabagging your forehead because she was really a transsexual and then they send the pictures to your friends and relatives and it winds up on the Internet and you're ostracized from your community forever and every night you wake up in a cold sweat, swiping at your forehead because you feel phantom scrotum there. Hell, it happens to everyone.
Tranny Surprise takes that shocking feeling of realizing the woman you're with is not a woman, and made it into a whole website. So that every episode is like experiencing life as Danny Bonaduce.
Danny, we have terrible news for you.
Granted, it's hard to believe the same dudes would accidentally pick up a shemale each and every day and then, when confronted with the reality of the situation, experience the same uncertainty before plunging ahead (as they always do).
No less than eight scenes are listed on the opening page, all Photoshopped with dialogue bubbles expressing some the shocking surprise that these ladies are more than meets the eye.
You wonder? Really ? Odds are he won't be thrilled, shemale.
The undaunted search for an actual female on the part of the backward hat-wearing dudes through so many failures seems to speak to a sad, yet unflagging optimism that some day things will change for the better.
It's hard to decide what the stand out feature of this site is. The preposterous concept on its own--that of an ice cream man defiling random customers--is charming enough. But the fact it's an ice cream truck, the only method of transportation synonymous with droves of unsupervised, sugar-starved children, gives it the extra special pederast vibe that so many legitimate adult sites tend to lack these days.
Throw in petite ladies in cheerleader outfits and schoolgirl uniforms, and you'll find yourself wondering if merely visiting it hasn't landed you on some FBI watch list.
Our potential sex offender ice cream man cruises about town and sells ice cream to young ladies of loose morals who are apparently so enamored with frozen treats that they hop into the back of the ice cream truck with the vendor and his camera man. There, they make passionate love in what appears to be a small room upholstered from floor to ceiling entirely in fur, some of it in a print resembling Holstein cow hide.
Since that's the part of the truck where the frozen treats are normally kept, we have to think this violates dozens of health codes.
Numerous uses of the term "cocksicle."
Stupid girls are notoriously attractive to men and these girls are extra stupid because some are still in schools that require uniforms but appear to be pushing 30. It's likely fucking for grades is really the only thing that will get them ahead in life. Perhaps these girls are suffering poor grades due to lack of appropriate undergarments and the fact they're being educated by a man who brings sex toys to work.
Still, pretty well-dressed for an unethical pervert.
The room decor, featuring inflatable Crayolas and motivational posters for second graders, is a bit of a contrast to the extended scenes of mouth-love. But it does give Ice Cream Bang Bang a run for its creepily inappropriate money.
Professor Stone keeps a vibrator in his desk that needs to be plugged in.
You know where most dudes never think to hunt for hot, sex-hungry girls? The bus stop.
But as this site demonstrates, the women who were about to pay a couple of bucks for bus fare are more than willing to pay for the same ride in your van with some on-camera boning. You know, we've ridden the bus before and we think we'd actually take that deal, too.
Probably less homeless men in the sex bus.
The only part we can't figure out is that they don't do the boning en-route, they instead drive the women back to their studio for some sex with a tattooed dude who looks fresh from prison. This clearly is delaying their trip much longer than if they'd just waited for the bus. This seems grossly illogical but, again, if it means avoiding having to ride the bus...
One episode, about a girl named Starla who would be late for an interview if she had waited for the bus, features the line "She wanted the job bad so we wanted to see just how bad she really wanted that job!"
If you've ever been to Las Vegas then you probably, at some point, engaged in unprovoked, spontaneous, unsanitary taxi sex. You can try to deny it now, but be aware there's video evidence.
Taxicams is the site that dares to expose what clearly everyone does in Vegas cabs by outfitting a cab with hidden cameras and just waiting for all the sexy ladies who apparently get turned on by the smell of cured meat and pine air fresheners to hop in and get undressed and use themselves and/or their friends like amusement parks.
The site insists that it's all real and that the driver's job could be in danger if he's ever caught. All of this is written next to photos of the cab clearly identifying it, which makes us concerned for his employment status. Also, the women's faces are not blurred, so congratulations to the driver getting them to sign a release saying their spontaneous sex can be sold on the Internet so that strangers may pleasure themselves to it.
The cab actually says "TaxiCams" on the side. "What, that? Oh, uh, that stands for 'Camaro.'"
Porn is arguably always better when inspired by terrible movies and that's why the Beaverly Hillbillies was so popular. Thus we have XXX Proposal, a porno spinoff of the movie, Indecent Proposal . Here, average, down on their luck couples are approached by a random dude on the street and offered cash. All they have to do is let her bang the dude... while her boyfriend watches.
How the financial situation of the couple is established is never addressed that we could see, maybe there's a pre-approval process. Then again, neither is any explanation forthcoming as to why several women have the same boyfriend, just in various preposterous disguises across different episodes.
The dejected look on the face of a Jimmy Kimmel-in-disguise looking boyfriend while his girlfriend gets railroaded six inches away from him on the sofa.
Combining the creepiness of mail order brides with the "test drive" process one uses to buy a used car, we have Euro Bride Tryouts. Apparently there's a market for women desperate to escape whatever poverty or war they face in their own Third-World countries, as mail order brides meet their potential spouses and immediately ride them like show ponies before coming to America.
"Quick, honey, I need you to iron this frying pan and then fuck me."
No statistics on the site mention how many of these unions resulted in a long lasting marriage, but since it's the same dude every time, it's possible that the number remains low.
On the other hand, kudos to him for being so worldly and wealthy that he can travel to Europe on such a regular basis.
This is the All-American groom these ladies are hoping to impress:
As you can see, the guy is totally and completely as American as apple pie. And the extremely thick Euro accent he puts on in the videos is clearly only to make the girls feel more at home.
This site readily acknowledges what we've all known for ages: nothing is as sexy as a mental disorder. Thus, the concept of women with moderate to severe emotional or psychological trauma taking the ramrod from mental health professionals is one that society has been begging for and now can finally enjoy. Thanks, Internet!
Episodes demonstrate non-APA approved treatment methods for delusions, depression, split personality disorder, chronic bitching and cock withdrawal. Curiously, the prescription for each is wang.
"Could you go ahead and masturbate for me? It's cool, I'm a doctor."
It's likely even Dr. Phil would be hard pressed to acknowledge that deep-dicking can or even should be used to cure such a wide range of ailments. The women do seem to show short-term improvement, sure, but we think it's a huge oversight that they don't follow up with the patients to see how they are progressing a few months after their, quote, "hot beef" treatment. This method clearly needs further study.
Psychotic is misspelled on the first page.
For pictures of hot, nude Fortey check out scenicanemia.com.
Check out why we ran this article, in 6 Ways That Porn Runs The World . And check out more baffling porn concepts, in The 6 Most Inappropriate Porn-Character Occupations .
And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to help us fund our reality porn project, in which we send DOB around in a book mobile.
We've got your morning reading covered.
Martin Short's miserable middle-aged turn as a demonic ten year old is an affront to good taste
Maybe 'everyone hold hands' isn't the best way to fix hunger.
Fall Out Boy is more than just Radioactive Man’s sidekick.
Hard-core cosplayers crafting tasty ancient tunes.
Kingpin facts to keep you in your lane.
COPYRIGHT © 2005-2022 Cracked is published by Literally media Ltd.,

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Top 100 worst porn titles!

Nov 29, 2006

1) GROSS - these are disgusting titles that should turn you off completely :
1. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES - The title that started me on this list. "Virginia Slims" becomes "Vagina Slimes" ? That's disgusting ! You get the idea.
2. LET'S PLAY STAIN THE COUCH - And then invite all our friends over and watch them try to guess what that smell is !
3. CRACK WHORES OF AMERICA - Because nothing turns a guy on more than needle tracks and missing teeth ...
4. PRIME CUTS - YO QUIERO TACO SMELL - I know when I get down there, I want to smell refried beans !
5. AMATEURS ONLY #129 - I'M A BROWN SHIT-HOLED WHORE - Some people like poo, so maybe I shouldn't have included this one. What can I say, it just has a certain poetry to it.
6. SEX STARVED FUCK SLUTS #22 - STINKY WHITE WOMEN - Why would you want to have sex with somebody who is stinky ? You are a puzzle, sir.
2) GROAN - bad puns, horrible plays on words, stupid Hollywood movie name adaptations :
7. DUDE, WHERE'S MY DILDO ? - Bad movie, probably a bad porno based on a bad movie.
8. ULTRA KINKY #79 - BOWLIN' IN HER COLON - Bowling balls and colons, such a pretty image.
9. ASS-HOLE O MIO - You've got to be kidding.
10. HOMEGROWN VIDEO #489 : FUCK THE CANUCK - Trouble rhyming "bitch" today ?
11. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA - Kurt Russell should be so lucky ...
12. GOOD ASSTERNOON - I want to see a porno with really amazing dialogue. This won't be it.
13. BACKDOOR ADVENTURES OF BUTTHEAD AND BEAVER - Too obvious.
14. HINDFELD - A porno about nothing.
15. TEA BAGGER VANCE - Did anybody see the original movie ? Yeah, whatever.
16. MUSIC TO FUCK TO - ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A LABIA - I would watch this if they actually got Lionel Richie to sing the new lyrics with a close-up shot of him crying.
17. GERANALMO - Sure, why not ?
18. BRASSIERE TO ETERNITY - You're reaching ...
19. TIG OL' BITTIES - Spoonerisms can be fun. Sometimes not.
20. MOULIN SPLOOGE - You saw this one coming ...
21. TITS OF FURY - ... but not this one ...
22. GERMAN WHORE FARE - Well, I groaned ...
23. SHE'S NOT A LESBIAN ... SHE'S A VAGITARIAN - Sigh ...
24. TOOKIE RAIDER - Tookie ? Tookie ??? You're just making up words now.
25. MUFFUGNUGEN - That's just lame, man.
26. PRIME CUTS - ONE FELL INTO THE POO-POO'S NEST - You went to college for this ?
27. FILTHY FUCKERS #184 - POKE 'ER MON - Who exactly is your target audience ?
28. RIMMERAMA - It does kind of roll off the tongue, though.
29. HOOTERS AND THE BLOWJOBS - Sometimes the music in porn movies is kind of interesting. Not this time.
30. HUNG WANKENSTEIN - Two, count 'em, TWO bad puns in one title ! I want this job !
3) STUPID - poorly chosen titles for various reasons :
31. SEX - This is so wonderfully descriptive, there are TWO movies with this title.
32. THE SPLENDOR OF HELL - Nothing gets me going more than the thought of the sin I am committing at the time and the eventual suffering I am bringing upon myself.
33. COCKLESS 19 - All-girl videos are okay if not kinda dull, but I get a sort of castration vibe from this one ...
34. WET AND FROSTY - Are you talking about sex or beer ?
35. WHY THINGS BURN - It's called a venereal disease ...
36. AMATEURS ONLY #131 - HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE - Guys love it when girls ask that question.
37. BABY GIRL - A big disappointment for pedophiles.
38. ANAL CHIROPRACTOR - What, in case your ass is out of alignment ? Yeesh.
39. HUSH ! MY MOTHER MIGHT HEAR US ! - More of a turn-off for women viewers ...
40. S.I.D.S. - SEXUALLY INTRUSIVE DYSFUNCTIONAL SOCIETY - Not Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, which always gets me hot.
41. PRICE IS RIGHT - "Hey, let's name our new porn movie after a game show whose host wants to neuter your family dog !"
42. SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE DWARFS - You're only calling attention to the fact that you're ripping us off to the tune of four dwarves.
43. ABS OF CUM - That doesn't make any sense.
44. DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR RUBBERS - You could get AIDS and DIE !!!
45. SEX IN THE COMICS - This one actually looks pretty interesting. It's porn stars made up to look like cartoon characters having sex. Normal people probably don't want to see this, though ...
46. TOPLESS BRAIN SURGEONS - No, I want you concentrating on my BRAIN during the operation ...
47. YOUR QUIM IS MY GYM - Stupid, nonsensical, you are an object to be scorned.
48. THEORY OF RELATIVITY - That Einstein, what a hottie.
49. FELANALINGUS - "I made up a new word !" "Wow ! Let's hope it catches on !"
ever !"
Im geting the other porns to put in my second post!
when in doubt.... punch HAMZ10 IN THE FUCKING FANNY!

Response to
Top 100 worst porn titles!

Nov 29, 2006

Your pretty brave shamelessly rip that article.

Response to
Top 100 worst porn titles!

Nov 29, 2006

51. BRIANNA LEE'S RED HOT WEINIE ROAST - Nobody is roasting my weinie. Go away.
52. UNBALANCED CHEMICALS - Psychotics can be sexy too !
53. STRAIGHT A STUDENTS - Why would I want to watch a porn movie where nobody gets to have sex ?
54. LET'S PLAY ANAL TWISTER - That sounds somewhat painful. I'm glad you're not my friend.
55. TUG BOAT - "Hello ? We make porno movies here. P-O-R-N-O. Do you understand ?"
56. HEROIN - In answer to the question, what is wrong with the lead actress ?
57. HAMLET : FOR THE LOVE OF OPHELIA #1 - Your average porn movie consumer will have no idea what this is a reference to.
58. ACID SEX - It burns ! It burns !
59. ADULT MOVIE (A.K.A. PORN MOVIE) - Whew, thank goodness. I didn't know what this was. I'm glad that's all cleared up.
60. RI DICK U LOUS - CHOCOLATE CAN HARDLY HANDLE IT ! - When you named this movie, you were contemplating suicide, weren't you ? You should.
61. FAT THE BALD AND THE UGLY - Well, at least they're accessible ...
62. SANDWICH OF LOVE - Nobody ever got laid using this phrase. It's just not possible there's a woman this stupid out there.
63. PERVERTED ADVENTURES OF SUPER DAVE #1 - It's a different Dave, not Super Dave Osbourne. But that's who you're thi
Can I Cum
Cum In Crackhead
Pig Cums In Pussy

Weird Porn Intros

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