We Punish Teens

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Parents often rely on old-fashioned grounding to punish their unruly teens. After a few friendless weekends, however, teens become immune to the discipline, and their bad behavior continues. Before you fill out the application for reform school, take a breath and try some alternative methods. Tested and approved by moms, here are some punishments to dole out when grounding no longer does the trick.
For a punishment that doubles as a good deed, have your child participate in community service. "When he is disrespectful to me or any other adult, he has to do community service," Angie K. says of her son. "He's out there for about five hours. He hates doing it, but it gives him plenty of time to think about his behavior and how he should adjust it."
Sick of all the disrespect? Show your teen what it's like to live without you. To teach her son about parental appreciation, Donna J. went on strike. "I did the cooking, but stopped the taxi service, the laundry, the dishes, etc.," she says. "We have had a much cheerier, helpful son since."
Check out seven other mom-tested methods.
If the sound of slamming doors runs through the house, there's a simple solution: take them away. Christy W. learned this trick from her father, who tested it during her teen years. "It only took two times for me to stop slamming doors," she says.
It's the same method you used when he was a tot, but instead of cars and action figures, you now have cell phones and iPads. If that doesn't work, Danyelle K. suggests "gradually moving up until you have stripped them of their creature comforts," like desks and bed frames.
While some parents make their children wear thrift store clothes as a punishment, others take the opposite approach. When Lindsey P.'s son forgot to take care of his items, she gave them to Goodwill. "He finally understood that we work hard so he can have nice things, so he needs to work hard at taking care of them," she says. "He has also learned that he must respect us in order to keep these things and to continue receiving them."
Rather than punishing your child as soon as he acts out, try waiting until your child needs something from you. "I don't respond at the moment, but later when the child wants something from me, I tell them no," Kathy F. says. "If they persistently ask why I tell them because I was offended at how rude they were. Then next time they'll be a little more polite and cooperative."
Teens may constantly misbehave if they don't know why their actions upset you. Bonnie D. recommends taking a brief time-out and then listening to your teen. "If you give them an opportunity to voice their frustration and then come back and talk calmly about it, it usually works itself out."
If your teen struggles with small tasks, like cleaning his room, sometimes a bribe is the best way to get them done. "Instead of saying 'Clean your room, or this is going to happen' I say, 'Clean your room and you can stay up 15 minutes later'," Sherri F. suggests.
Want to see their sweet side more often? Throw in the occasional reward. When Kristen M.'s son stopped reacting to punishment, she and her husband started to acknowledge his good behavior instead. "He gets stars for good behavior and loses stars for bad behavior," she explains. "He has to 'buy back' the items that he lost as punishment by earning enough stars to do so." Though 13 may seem like too old for a behavior chart, Kristen says the system has improved her son's behavior.
How do you punish your tween or teen? Share your methods in the comment section!

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Suitable for 9-18 years
Discipline strategies for teenagers
Discipline isn’t about punishment. It’s about guiding children towards appropriate ways to behave. For teenagers, discipline is about agreeing on and setting appropriate limits and helping them behave within those limits.
When your child was younger, you probably used a range of discipline strategies to teach him the basics of good behaviour. Now your child is growing into a teenager, you can use limits and boundaries to help him learn independence, take responsibility for his behaviour and its outcomes, and solve problems.
Your child needs these skills to become a young adult with her own standards for appropriate behaviour and respect for others. An important part of this is learning to stick to some clear rules, agreed on in advance, and with agreed consequences.
Teenagers don’t yet have all the skills they need to make all their own decisions, so the limits you agree on for behaviour are an important influence on your child.
Teenage discipline is most effective when you:
Negotiation is a key part of communicating with teenagers and can help avoid problems. Negotiating with your child shows that you respect his ideas. It also helps him learn to compromise when necessary as part of decision-making.
Clear limits and expectations can discourage problem behaviour from happening in the first place. Limits also help your child develop positive social behaviour, including showing concern for others.
Here are some tips for setting clear limits:
Video: Family rules: how to work them out with teenagers
View more teen videosDownload transcript (PDF: 41.5 KB)
In this short video, mums, dads and teenagers talk together about why family rules are important, how rules are decided, and how household jobs are shared out. They also talk about how to sort out conflict over the rules.
Different families have different standards and rules for behaviour. To check whether yours are realistic and reasonable, you could talk with parents and friends who have children of the same age. Many schools can also help with guidance.
Sometimes your child might behave in ways that test your limits or break the rules you’ve agreed on. One way to deal with this is by using consequences.
Make the consequence fit
If you can make the consequence fit the misbehaviour, it gets your child to think about the issue and can feel fairer to your child too. For example, if your child is home later than the agreed time, a fitting consequence might be having to come home early next time.
Withdraw cooperation
This strategy aims to help your child understand your perspective and to learn that she needs to give and take. It also helps your child understand that every action has a consequence. By doing the right thing, your child can get a positive consequence. But doing the wrong thing will mean she gets a negative consequence.
For example, if your child wants you to drive him to social outings, you could say you’ll do this if he follows the rules. Try to avoid making this into a bribe.
Let your child know beforehand that you might withdraw your cooperation as a consequence for misbehaviour. For example, ‘If you’d like me to keep driving you, you need to come home on time. If you’re late, I won’t drive you next time’.
Withdraw privileges
This consequence should be used sparingly – if you use it too much, it won’t work as well.
The idea is to remove something that you know your child enjoys – for example, going to a friend’s house, access to technology, or access to activities. You need to let your child know in advance that this is what you plan to do, so that she can weigh up whether losing the privilege is worth it.
You don’t need to withdraw privileges for a long time for this consequence to be effective. Aim for a short withdrawal that occurs within the few days following the misbehaviour.
Whatever consequence you choose, these strategies might help to reinforce it.
Communication
It’s important to explain calmly and clearly what the problem is to your child. Tell him how he hasn’t stuck to the rules you agreed on, and let him know that you’ll be applying the agreed consequence.
Self-reflection
The idea is to encourage your child to think about her behaviour and how it could be different in the future.
You can talk with your child about the agreement you had, and what she thinks should happen as a consequence of breaking it. Often teenagers will be much harsher than their parents. This allows you to settle on future consequences that you both see as fair.
It’s best to balance rules and consequences with warmth and positivity. Try to aim for six positive comments for every negative comment.
Teenagers have the job of developing into independent adults. One way they do this is to test boundaries, and then see how others react to their behaviour. This teaches them what the social expectations are. As they get feedback, they learn what’s expected.
On top of this the teenage brain goes through massive growth and development during adolescence. As a result teenagers try new things but don’t always make good decisions. They’re more influenced by peers. And they feel things more intensely than you do.
At the same time, teenagers are getting better at seeing the big picture and reasoning. This means they question their world more and use creative ways to solve problems.
For all these reasons, it might sometimes feel like you’re on a collision course with your child. But you can work around obstacles with your child and guide him away from tricky situations.
This article was developed in collaboration with Dr Louise Hayes, University of Ballarat.
Feinstein, S. (2010). Inside the teenage brain: Parenting a work in progress. Lanham: Rowman & Littlefield.
Hawton, M. (2013). Talk less, listen more: Solutions for children’s difficult behaviour. Edgecliff, NSW: Jane Curry Publishing.
Keijsers, L. (2016). Parental monitoring and adolescent problem behaviors. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 40(3), 271-281. doi: 10.1177/0165025415592515.
Medlow, S., Klineberg, E., Jarrett, C., & Steinbeck, K. (2016). A systematic review of community-based parenting interventions for adolescents with challenging behaviours. Journal of Adolescence, 52, 60-71. doi: 10.1016/j.adolescence.2016.07.003.
Parent, J., Mckee, L., & Forehand, R. (2016). Seesaw discipline: The interactive effect of harsh and lax discipline on youth psychological adjustment. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 25(2), 396-406. doi: 10.1007/s10826-015-0244-1.
Siegel, D.J. (2014). Brainstorm: The power and purpose of the teenage brain. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher & Penguin.
Disrespectful teenage behaviour: how to deal with it
Disrespect from teenagers is pretty common. It will probably pass, but these strategies for handling disrespectful behaviour can help you in the meantime.
Family rules are good for the whole family. This guide explains how to involve children and teens in making rules and get rules working well for your family.
Staying connected: you and your teenage child
Staying connected with your teenage child is about building closeness through everyday activities. Get practical tips for positive relationships with teens.
Active listening is a powerful tool to improve communication and build a positive relationship with your teenage child. Our guide explains the steps.
Relationships with parents and families: why teenagers need them
Teenagers need parents and families for love, support and guidance – though it might not always seem like it. Read how to strengthen bonds with your teen.
If you have a teenager, you know conflict is normal – but you still need ways of dealing with conflict. Our guide to conflict management has the essentials.
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We Punish Teens