Want To Be Dominated

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Want To Be Dominated
Style | I Wanted to Be Dominated. But Not Quite Like That.
I Wanted to Be Dominated. But Not Quite Like That.
Stung by romantic rejection, a woman finds acceptance and catharsis in a man who leaves her with bite marks and bruises.
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“Are you left- or right-handed?” Dan asked, walking me down the subway steps.
When we stopped at the bottom, he put his arms around me and hugged tightly, nuzzling his lips into my neck. Suddenly, my vision blurred in a flash of blinding pain as I felt his teeth sink into my right shoulder.
I had experienced my share of pain over the years — a broken arm, a split chin — but not like this. Never intentionally.
As we had wrapped our third date earlier that night, he had asked if he could mark my foray into B.D.S.M. by biting me, and I’d said yes. I didn’t think he’d actually do it.
After unclenching his jaw, he kissed me on the cheek and said good night. Then he was gone.
I walked through the turnstile in a daze, only faintly aware of the people around me. My skin pulsed.
I arrived at the subway platform drunk on endorphins, running my fingers under my coat to feel the tiny grooves in my shoulder his bite had left. Only later would I realize he had asked if I was right-handed so he could bite where my handbag would rest — the pain reminding me of him.
Man, that had hurt. What the hell was I getting myself into?
“You O.K.?” Dan texted, minutes later.
I stared at the blinking cursor. If I wanted to back out, now was the time. “See you in two weeks,” I replied.
I hadn’t been looking to date. I was still recovering from the demise of my previous relationship with a journalist who broke up with me after I told him about my struggles with alcohol and family issues.
The journalist and I had met on OkCupid while I was touring the Southeast with my band. Every day we would text each other a single photo from our oddball work lives: a Nascar race in Charlotte; a tricycle factory in Queens.
Meanwhile, I hid what I preferred he didn’t see: Me relapsing on cheap merlot in Raleigh. Crying at a truck stop in Duluth. It was a tough time. My father was hospitalized and dying. But I wanted to be “fun,” so why burden him with unnecessary details?
We went through the motions of building a relationship: cooking dinner and watching movies. But when he asked why I didn’t drink, I made excuses about early morning meetings. Concealing the messy parts of myself came naturally. I had done it my whole life.
As a child, I had learned to hide who I was to avoid upsetting my father, an Egyptian immigrant. In my teens I was chronically depressed, but he didn’t talk about feelings, so I started sneaking shots of the Tanqueray he kept in the freezer. I became a touring musician, and on my short visits home we maintained an unspoken agreement: I wouldn’t bother my father with who I really was, and he wouldn’t ask.
I told all of this to the journalist the night before I boarded a plane to Texas. It was too much for him. Then my father died, and I sank into despair. When it came to dating, I felt hopeless. I thought: Why even bother? As soon as a guy finds out about my baggage, he bolts. I may as well walk around with a “Danger: High Maintenance” sign strapped to my chest.
Around this time I received an OkCupid notification that someone had “liked” my profile. I logged on, saw a black-and-white photo of a man’s jawline and clicked.
“About me,” it read. “I’m a feminist. I respect women while simultaneously enjoy dominating them.”
Great. One of those “Fifty Shades” opportunists. I was appalled, of course, so I kept reading.
“Favorite things: Sending you to work with marks, the fragrance of your hair lingering on my hands, photography and Dan Savage.”
I slammed shut my laptop. I was, well, turned on. But I couldn’t message him. Kink was something people did on HBO. I had scoffed at the “Fifty Shades of Grey” craze. I could not message him.
Or could I? I was an adult. Just because I wasn’t dating didn’t mean I couldn’t reply.
I opened up a message box and typed: “Big fan of Dan Savage. I’m intrigued.” I hit send and then ran out of the room, screaming.
One week and dozens of emails later, Dan and I agreed to meet at Prospect Park. He was handsome, mid-30s, dark brown eyes and hair. Very fit. He told me he’d been a “dominant” for years and lived with his girlfriend in an open relationship. They had rules: no unprotected sex, no sleepovers, no kissing. I had never met a man who communicated his needs so confidently.
I gulped. I was not a morning person, nor did I love the idea of being seen naked in the light of day. But Dan felt safe and in control. I liked being near him.
“You need to tell me everything,” he said. “All of your baggage. Any triggers. I want you to keep a journal and send it to me, too. I have to know what might come up.”
Later, after that third date, we agreed on a set of rules and boundaries. I shared everything I was usually too afraid to tell a new partner.
“My dad died three months ago,” I said, “so maybe we avoid the ‘daddy’ stuff?”
“I’m not a blackout drunk, but if I drink I get really depressed. I’d prefer you didn’t drink around me.”
“Great,” he said. “I’d like you to be fully aware anyway.”
For the next two months, Dan texted me constantly. His aura of calm control was a revelation for me. Rather than fleeing from my emotional baggage, he welcomed it without fear or judgment.
The nights before his visits I would stay up until 4 a.m. cleaning, eager to please him. He would ring my doorbell as the garbage trucks blared down the street, and it was exhilarating — until it was exhausting. Though Dan wouldn’t admit it, he was a sadist. He would leave me with bite marks and bruises that lasted for weeks.
And I was not a masochist. I hated the pain but found catharsis in how undeterred Dan was by my outbursts. I would cry when his leather belt stung my thighs, but he never tried to curb or deny my feelings. I could sob from the physical pain and then about everything else I had been too afraid to talk about: the relationship I would never have with my father, my impulse to deaden everything with a drink. None of it fazed him.
Then Dan would leave and I would sit alone in my bedroom, his sweat still fresh on my skin, wanting so badly to be held.
I wasn’t the only woman he visited. He would tell me stories of other women he was sleeping with, and I’d repress any feelings of jealousy. I thought he was more evolved than I, as if attachment were some sort of moral failing on my part.
Then an old fling of mine came to town and asked me out to dinner.
“Uh-oh, he might want to come home with me!” I texted Dan, playfully.
“Careful,” he replied. “I don’t like to share.”
I stared at my phone, startled. Since we weren’t romantic, I had assumed he wouldn’t care.
“Dates are fine, but I don’t want you sleeping with other men,” he wrote. “If that’s a problem, we may need to reassess.”
I told Dan I needed time to think about it, and then I went on the date.
My friend and I stayed out until 2 a.m., laughing and making out, and I saw how much I missed being kissed and the warmth of another body. Dan had a partner to go home to, and I was on my own. Was this really what I wanted?
In the end I kept coming to the same conclusion: This would never be enough. If I had worked up the courage to be forthright with him at the beginning, then I could walk away, too.
A few days later, I texted: “I’m sorry, I just need more.”
“If you change your mind,” he replied, “you know where to find me.”
I had found a strange liberation in submitting to Dan, but it was only a first step. I wanted the domination, but I needed lazy Sundays and walks in the park, too. I wasn’t sure what that kind of relationship would look like. I just knew I couldn’t continue hiding — from myself or others.
So I went back on OkCupid and created a new profile. “I’m looking for a monogamous long-term partner whose natural dominant qualities complement my submissive,” I wrote. “That kind of trust takes time to build, but I’m in no hurry.”
Aly Tadros is a musician and writer in Brooklyn.
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Do Women Want To Be Dominated Sexually?

10 thoughts on “Do Women Want To Be Dominated Sexually?”

Do women want to be dominated sexually? Do women want to be submissive in the sexual relationship with their mate in a committed relationship? What do women want in a committed relationship sexually? Do men understand what women want in a committed sexual relationship? Does the 50 Shades Of Grey movie explain what many women want sexually? Or rather has it spotlighted the confusion some men experience as to what women want? It does appear that some men are confused about what women want sexually, based upon varied male reaction to the 50 Shades Of Grey movie. This movie has opened up the lines of communication for these very questions to be asked. As a Relationship, Marriage and Family Therapist/Psychotherapist counseling couples, individuals and families since 1993, I will share with you that the 50 Shades phenomena is quite interesting certainly, but not surprising at all. Why is it not surprising to me? The answer is simple: many women enjoy relationship development in stories and the topic of love in stories. Many women also enjoy the sexual dynamics between a man and a woman in stories. The 50 Shades movie is both. Although not all people hold this analysis/perspective in response to the movie. In viewing the movie, my analysis is that it presented as a story in which two people are exploring what they know and do not know about how to express emotions, thoughts, fear, frustration, care, and love through the vessel of human relational sexual expression. It is my analysis in response to the movie that the main characters are each discovering themselves through their sexual interaction with one another as they are on a journey of uncovering and discovering what is healthy vs. not healthy in sexual expression for their own self and their mate. This blog article is going to take you through the following four main topics:
First, it is important for me to note that this article is with the guiding concept that my articulations are in reference to the monogamous male-female relationship. Also, I am not speaking on behalf of all women nor all men. Rather my assertions you are about to read is based upon my experience in my understanding of many men and women over the course of my 20+ years counseling both genders, as well as male and female reports in sharing with me their thoughts, feelings and reactions to the movie 50 Shades Of Grey.
When the first 50 Shades of Grey book came out, many were referring to it as “mommy porn”. Why? Answer: there were many women who were married (or unmarried) with children, of whom reported their excitement in response to the book. Note: whether the book or the movie, married women or unmarried, women with or without children, women came out in record numbers to watch this movie, including women who read the book/books as well as women who did not. For those who read my blog, or have seen me on TV, you know my style is that I tell-it-like-it-is, and I am passionate about sharing my insights and tips. I hope you find this article informative.
During my interview in The Boston Globe for an article entitled: 50 Shades Of Sheepish , I was asked why some women feel shame and are embarrassed about going to see the 50 Shades movie. You see, what it really comes down to is that many women have learned that they are not to rely on men, as women know themselves to be leaders, and strong. This has somehow inferred that a woman is weak and reliant and not independent if they desire to have a man as a leader in any way shape or form in their relationship dynamic.
Many women have the same set of responsibilities and obligations that men do; work, children, family. Many women have learned that they are to be independent not dependent and that they can do everything on their own, they do not need nor should they need a man. So, where does that leave women? It leaves some of them to experience feelings of embarrassment that they actually do want a man to take care of them, in certain aspects of their lives. It leaves some women to feel shame that they want their man to be assertive in the sexual relationship and be a leader. This shame is in direct association with the brain washing that was done directly inferring that to feel turned on emotionally and sexually by a man that is dominant and a leader in the sexual relationship is somehow seen in direct contradiction to what women have learned about who they are supposed to be. The reality is, women want both. Yes, they do. And that confuses men, but it doesn’t have to confuse men. This is not an “either/or” debate where either women should desire to be dominated and dependent OR they should want to dominate and be independent. In fact, being dominated sexually and being dependent in a relationship are not synonymous with one another nor is being independent synonymous with being the dominant partner. Rather, women desire to have aspects of their life where they are the leader and aspects of their life where their mate is the leader. And within those very categories, it is not all one way all the time. The pendulum must shift. For an example, in the sexual relationship, for many women some of their interactions with their mate they enjoy being assertive, and during other interactions they enjoy their mate to be assertive. The balancing act of the sexual relational pendulum shift some may find it confusing; man or woman. I am here to say it is the reality.
My tip is that rather than feeling confused about wanting it all, let us all acknowledge that both men and women enjoy sometimes being the leader and other times the follower. Sometimes taking care of one’s mate and other times being taken care of. Sometimes being dominant and other times being submissive. The terms “dominant” and “submissive” although often used in ways in which represent more extreme forms of sexual acts, let’s just take the words in their very basic form. There are many women who sometimes want their mate to lead the sexual party from start to finish, and other times it is fun to be the leader, and even other times it is fun to have a mix of back and forth throughout the sexual encounter between who is more of the leader and who is more of the follower, who is more dominant and who is more submissive. It is this very understanding and navigation that is a challenge for many couples. In my book: Dr. Karen’s Marriage Manual  I discuss the importance of ‘watering the plant of marriage’. The term I use; ‘marriage’ can indeed be taken quite literally or figuratively, in that my book is meant for any couple of whom is in a committed relationship and desire for it to stand the test of time successfully. This means it is imperative to make the time and take the time to attend to what I refer to as the ‘three legs of marriage’: 1. emotional intimacy, 2. physical intimacy, and 3. sexual intimacy, with the stool top of communication and trust. If any of the legs is missing it affects the entire balance of the stool. Without the stool top, that affects the standing of the stool. All are needed for the ongoing development, health and wellness of couples.
What I believe the book and the movie did was open up for women the opportunity to talk about their desires sexually, to confront their sexual needs. It also opened up the dialogue for women about how different people in their couple relationship express and show care. The exploration of how one’s childhood shapes and forms our very understanding of how we show care, love, hurt, and pain is also a significant theme throughout the movie that offered women the opportunity to consider their own childhood and how that has played a role not just in their sexual selves, also in their way of expressing needs, wants, feelings, and love. It also opened up the opportunity for women to consider their mate’s childhood experiences and how that has played a role in how he expresses his thoughts and feelings and love. Even one’s drive or lack thereof as it relates to one’s professional accomplishments is a topic that becomes analyzed and considered when watching this movie. The concept of what is healthy in a sexual relationship and what is not, is also an important topic to be considered when digesting and analyzing 50 Shades.
Although there are those of whom appear to not understand the book nor the movie thereby feeling that the whole story is all about sexual deviance, it is not for me to tell someone what message to take or not to take from their analysis. Though I am taking the time to write this blog, in an effort to help those of whom may be completely misunderstanding the fascination for many women. The topic of dominance and submission in the main characters relationship was their story of sexual exploration and self discovery, as well as their journey of discovering how they express emotions and feelings and how they experience expressing love. When the 50 Shades book came out, I wrote a blog article in response to the female obsession. Specifically my article is entitled: 50 Shades Of Grey – Relationship Expert Explains Obsession . There is much reader commentary in response to that blog that continues to date, and I continue to respond to reader write ins. I invite you to check it out. In that blog I explain the 3 reasons why so many women were obsessed with the book, thereby directly explaining the 3 things that women want in their committed sexual relationship with their mate. Interesting that of the multitude of articles I have written some of my top reader commentary in terms of sheer numbers is 50 Shades Of Grey- Relationship Expert Explains Obsession, as well as my blog entitled: Sexual Deprivation In Marriage . Hm, well, maybe not that interesting, perhaps the male-female sexual relationship is an important topic.
It pains me for women and men, that men seem to either have the wrong impression as to why this female obsession, because they simply do not understand, or, they do not want to understand the obsession of 50 Shades. For to understand the obsession might mean that men have to do something about it. If the joke is that once women get married sexual desires decline, then why are so many women hot and heavy for this movie? Why do some men get frustrated and offended with my blog article explaining why women are obsessed with 50 Shades, whereas others get it? The men who “get it” are the one’s reporting a satisfying sexual relationship, doesn’t that just say it all right there? If the word/joke on the street is that men have a higher sex drive, and if it is too often assumed that there are men who cheat because the woman the man is in a relationship with is not sexual enough – I ask again: why is 50 Shades so appealing as a movie for so many women? Then I also ask you; why do women cheat?
Are men doing something wrong? Are women doing something wrong? Does it really come down to women just want men to take charge sexually? Is that the bottom line? Do women just want to be dominated sexually and they don’t want to admit it because that is in direct contradiction to the concept of what women have fought for? Or is the term “dominated” confusing, because it’s not full on domination that women want, it rather is that they simply want a more assertive, creative, and passionate man who takes the lead in
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