Wanna Have Sex

Wanna Have Sex

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I really want to have sex for the first time. But I am only thirteen. I know vaguely what to do and I know to use protection. But I was talking to my 17-year-old cousin (who has had sex before) if it hurt his girlfriend the first time. And he had said that she was screaming and she felt as if she wanted to die. This information scared me a little too much for comfort. I would like to know if it will hurt as much as he said it will or if he was just exaggerating. Thank you so much.
originally written 07.26.2007 • updated 12.04.2021 •
First things first: there are all of two or three countries in the world where it's even lawful for you to have intercourse at your age, and in most places, many other kinds of sex . If you're writing in from the states, there is no state in which you're at the age of consent . However you may feel about these laws, they exist, and it's generally very unwise not to abide by them, especially given the cultural climate when it comes to teens and sex. If your partner is over the age of consent, or worse still a legal adult, he could be looking at some very serious criminal charges. So, personally, I'd advise you to wait on sex until you're legal. It also is often pretty difficult for someone your age to get things like the sexual healthcare you need and birth control , or abortion services or pre-natal care in the event of an accidental pregnancy , so until you're in a place and of an age where you can always get those basics when you need them, it's really best to hold off.
Same goes for having the kinds of interpersonal negotiation and communication skills that it usually takes most folks longer to get a handle on than in the first 13 years of their lives. Sex always keeps, and it's always better (emotionally, as well as just for our enjoyment) when we only have it when we've got all we need to have it safely and soundly.
Which isn't to say I'm not going to answer your questions.
Could someone be in so much pain from first intercourse that they're screaming? They could. Everyone's pain threshold is different, and there are a bunch of different conditions that could make first intercourse strongly painful. (Suffice it to say, if your cousin's girlfriend also really just didn't want to be having intercourse, it would be normal for her to be screaming.)
Here are some common reasons why that could happen:
Here is a link which goes into more about why intercourse or other vaginal entry can be painful and how to avoid that: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse . I'd also like you to read about why -- not just because of age or anything else, but just because of pleasure -- it can be a good idea to put off intercourse for some people: Yield for Pleasure .
You say you know vaguely what the deal is here, but legal and age issues aside, I'd love for you to be much more informed than that when making these choices for yourself: I'd love it if you could feel more like an expert before taking this step.
So, here is a nice pile of links I think will help round out the information you have, and give you a good foundation to get started with. With more information, you're better equipped to know what the right choice is -- whatever it is -- for you right now, and to have the right things in your pocket to talk to a partner about long before having sex with him.
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.
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Be dependable . If you want to make your girlfriend want to have sex with you, then you should show her what an amazingly dependable person you are. If your girl is going to trust you enough to have sex with you, whether it's her first time or if she's had sex before, then she has to feel like she can depend on you. One of her fears may be that as soon as you have sex, she won't be able to rely on you anymore because you would have gotten what you wanted. So, prove her wrong by being an upstanding and dependable person.

Show up when you say you're going to show up. If you routinely pick her up half an hour late for your dates, she'll think that you don't think she's so special, and she'll be less likely to have sex with you.
Don't be a flake. If you say you're going to take her to the beach over the weekend, do it. If you don't stick to your word, she won't be able to trust you.
Be her rock. Let her talk to you about her problems and insecurities while knowing that you can make her feel better.
Don't go hours or even a day or two without returning her phone calls or texts. This will make her feel like she can't depend on you.

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Give it time. Some people can be ready to have sex with a girl in the time it takes to down a beer, while some people can take months, or even longer, to decide that they're ready to make love. Some people are really adamant about holding out for the one, and don't even want to have sex before marriage. So, don't rush into it -- wait for the girl to trust you first.

If your girl is barely comfortable with kissing, then you shouldn't bring up sex for a while. However, if you and your girlfriend are already comfortable hooking up in bed all the time after just a few weeks, then you can start thinking about taking it to the next level.
If you want to make your girlfriend want to have sex with you, the worst thing you can do is bring it up or try to force it when it's way too early. This will turn your girlfriend off and will make her much less likely to sleep with you.

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Do not act like you are obsessed with sex. Let's face it -- if you're someone who is desperate for their girlfriend to have sex with them, then you probably are obsessed with sex. That doesn't mean you have to make jokes, innuendos, or even blatant references to sex all the time. The last thing you want your girlfriend to think is that you're a person who is so obsessed with sex that you don't care which lady comes into your bed. You should make her feel special, like you want only her.

You don't have to hide the fact that you're a person with needs, but you should avoid being vulgar, talking about sex all the time, or talking about other people who have sex all the time.
Don't make derogatory comments about other women. This will make your girlfriend feel like a piece of meat. Remember that you're not with your bros, but with your special lady.

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Be loyal. If you want to make your girlfriend trust you, then you have to be loyal to her. She'll probably never have sex with you if she thinks you're talking to or checking out other people. Though you don't have to be rude to or ignore other women, you should have a laser-sharp focus on your girlfriend so she knows that you will always be there for her, especially after you start having sex.

Spend lots of time with her. Make sure that you plan at least one or two dates every week and that you check in with her at least once a day if you're not together.
There's a difference between being loyal and being possessive and smothering your girlfriend with affection. You should make a point of seeing her when you both want to hang out, but don't try to see her 24/7 or she'll begin to pull back.
You should not only show your partner that you're loyal by being loyal to her, but by showing that you're a loyal sibling, friend, and family member. Show loyalty in many aspects of your life and your girl will be impressed.

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Treat her kindly . Don't overdo it, but being chivalrous can be more appealing. Don't force chivalrousness on them if they don't like it or say they don't like it. You should treat her kindly, not just like someone you want to hook up with. To do this, you can to be considerate, as well as courteous, kind, understanding, and generally admirable. You could, for example, open doors for her, give her your coat when she's cold, pull out chairs for her, or help her carry her heavy bags.

Make sure to compliment her to let her know how great she looks or how special she is.
It's important to be very kind, but don't do anything that feels too unnatural to you, or she'll be able to tell that you're not being yourself.

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Clean your space . This may sound silly, but if you want your girlfriend to really feel special, then you shouldn't invite her to hang out at your place if it looks like the set for World War Z. You need to make sure to remove any dirty laundry off your floor, clean your counters, and make your bed look and smell as clean and inviting as possible.

Not only will this make your lady feel special, but it'll make her feel more inclined to have sex with you. She won't want to get it on if your bed is covered in candy wrappers and dirty clothes.
If you drive her around a lot, you should also keep a clean car . Give your partner the respect she deserves by making sure she has a clean seat.

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Show an interest in all of her--not just her body. Your girl's biggest fear may be that you don't care at all about her mind because you're too busy obsessing over her body. You must prove her wrong. Show her that you are about who she is as a person, about her hopes and dreams, and about what makes her tick.

Ask her about her friendships, her childhood, and her favorite experiences.
Show her that you value her opinion. Ask her what she thinks about the current political situation in your state, or about the look of your new outfit.

Make eye contact when you talk to her. Show her that everything she says is important to you.

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Take her out on romantic dates . If you want to build the sexual tension, you have to build the romance first. Make her feel special by taking her out, dressing up, and picking a romantic spot for dinner, a drink, or even just for stargazing . You don't have to do anything corny or out of your element to make her feel special.

Though you and your girlfriend can have fun at baseball games, birthday parties, or at a loud, sweaty concert, these events will be less conducive to lovemaking.

Doing something romantic once in a while will show your lady that she really matters to you.

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Be attentive to her needs. If you're not attentive to your lady's everyday needs, then how will you be attentive in the bedroom? Your girl needs to feel like you know when she's sad, nervous, anxious, or even just cold or hungry. Pay attention to her eyes, her body language, and her words to know if there's something bothering her. If you act completely oblivious when she's obviously upset about something, then she'll think you're not really paying attention to her.
If something's wrong, don't be afraid to ask her what's up. This will only show that you care.

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Make sure she's ready to have sex. If you really want to treat your partner well, then you have to be able to have an idea about whether or not she's ready for sex. If you're her first partner, if she's sexually inexperienced, or if she's deeply religious or has other moral convictions that make her steadfast about not having sex, then you should back off and wait for her to trust you enough to even consider having sex with you. But here are some ways to know if she does want to have sex with you:

If things have been getting hot and heavy in the hook up department, then she may be ready to move forward.
If she's been talking about sex, giving you sexual compliments, and touching you a lot more, then she may be ready for sex.
If she's been hinting that she wants to sleep over, spends a lot of time in or near your bed, or invites you over late at night, then she may be ready for more intimacy.
If she has deep moral or religious convictions that make her not want to have sex, don't try to force it. Accept that some people will never have sex until they're married and that there's nothing you can do to change their mind.

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