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Отрывок из книги "Only don't know"

The Human Route

May 151 1978

Dear Seung Sahn Soen Sa,

I don't think you will know me, because I have seen

you only a few times. I attended a kid0 with you last

summer. However, I hope you will be able to give me

some advice.

Last month my younger sister Pam died in a very

strange and lonely way. The karma of my family is difficult

and full of confusion and pain. Pam was paralyzed

from the waist down for a year and a half. She tried to

kill herself jumping from a balcony and broke her spine

in three places. I cry as I write this. Though I was close

to her before, I became much closer after that, going to

Texas to visit her, talking with her, writing many letters.

I loved her very much. She had a very beautiful heart,

very loving and seeking. Then last month she suddenly

ran away in her car (she had a special car that she could

drive). She drove up to northern Texas, called my mother

twice, and then we didn't hear from her for many days.

She was finally found in the woods by the police. She

had tried to get out of her car into her wheelchair, fell to

the ground, dragged herself into the woods, built a fire

and died there-probably from exposure and starvation.

For myself, these last years have also been a struggle. I

was in a mental hospital twice and the past three years

have been a journey back to a normal mind. It is so terribly

sad to me because, just when I was beginning to be

really strong for her, to be able to truly help her, she is

gone-and I think she had much pain and anger in her

heart when she died.

I have her ashes now on my altar, and I feel strong

energy from them. I guess I wish to ask you two things.

First, what can I do for her now? I try to find her when I

sit Zen. I think of her always-it sometimes seems as if I

feel her suffering-and every night I chant, but this

doesn't seem enough. I want so badly to see her, though

I know I can't, to help her wherever she is, to reach her

somehow and make sure she is not suffering.

Secondly, please tell me how to purify myself and my

family when there are so many difficult things. I myself

am such a beginner on the spiritual path-part of the

reason I went crazy was because I thought I was such a

bad person. I know somewhat differently now, but could

you explain a little to me about karma with much suffering

and unhappiness?

I will be deeply, deeply grateful to you for any words

that you can send me. As I write this letter, the tears

come from inside with my sorrow and my desire to bring

love where there is so much pain.

Yours in Kanzeon,

Sheila

May 27,1978

Dear Sheila,

Thank you for your letter. How are you? I read your

letter and I am also very sad. I understand your mind; I

understand your thoughts about your sister. I understand

your love for your sister. You and your sister have

very strong karma, same karma. So when your sister

dies, your mind also dies.

But that is all feeling. If you are holding your feelings,

you cannot help your sister. Also, you cannot help yourself

or your family. Let your feelings be! You must find

your correct way; then your mind can shine to your sister

and to your family. Then in the next life this sadness will

not appear. But if you are only holding these sad feelings,

in your next life this same sadness will appear.

Everything comes from a primary cause and leads to a

result. An action in your past life gives you a result in

this life. If in this life you do not make this feeling disappear,

then it will become a primary cause and in the next

life there will again be the same result. The name for this

is samsara. Many people do not understand this, so they

are attached to a result. Because of this, when they are

very sad and crying, they suffer.

If you understand karma, you will not hold onto the

result, so your mind will not be tight and suffering. Crying

time, only cry. When that is finished, it is finished.

You must keep a clear mind. Then you will make clear/

correct karma.

So don't hold onto your feelings, don't make anything,

don't be attached to anything. Put it all down! Then your

mind will become clear and your mind light will shine

everywhere. That is called Dharma energy. Then your

mind will shine to your sister and the rest of your family.

Then the primary cause will disappear and this suffering

and sadness will not appear again.

The Human Route

Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed- that is human.

When you are born, where do you come from?

When you die, where do you go?

Life is like a floating cloud which appears.

Death is like a floating cloud which disappears.

The floating cloud itself originally does not exist.

Life and death, coming and going, are also like this.

But there is one thing which always remains clear.

It is pure and clear, not dependent on life and death.

Then what is the one pure and clear thing?

You must attain this true self which is not dependent on

life or death, which always remains clear and pure. Then

you will see your sister's original face and you will save

yourself, your sister, and your family.

If you don't understand the one pure and clear thing,

then only go straight-don't know. Let everything be!

Only try, try, try for ten thousand years nonstop. This is

very important.

You said that you were in a mental hospital. That is

very difficult. Controlling your mind when you are alone

and practicing alone may also be very difficult. The best

thing is for you to go to a Zen center; practicing together

with others is very important. When you are bowing

together, sitting together, eating together, chanting together,

and working together with other people, everybody

helps you control your bad karma. Then it is easy

to completely put down your opinion, your condition,

and your situation.

Good and bad are your true teachers. But living by

yourself, you don't understand good and bad. You cannot

see your bad karma. So your bad karma always controls

you, and your problem is nonstop. If you want your

bad karma to disappear, please come to a Zen center.

You want to know how to help your sister. I already

told you, but if you want to do something special, Buddhism

has a mantra for dead people: Ji Jang Bosal. Try

repeating Ji Jang Bosal three thousand times a day for

forty-nine days. Then your sister will be born again in a

good body.

I hope you only go straight-don't know: don't check

your feelings, your mind, or your understanding, find

the true way and save your sister, your family, and all

beings from suffering.

Yours in the Dharma,

s. s.